Sleeping in fields

[Keith]

Edit 1 Thanks to Tectak and Billy

The Cider threw me off my feet,
steeped before an apple sleep,
watching bats cross coastal downs,
head first goes the hedgerow clown.

The day had yawned and let me be,
crusty eyes blink morning trees,
filtered fresh behind olive blinds,
a straw hat halo held my mind.

Pulling corn stalks I make my stand
and take a scarecrow's offered hand.
The ground turns hard with little trace
of summer ways in a winter place.

As snow takes hold blown into drifts
I see a shape as day light shifts.
A body curled against the cold,
the scarecrow whispers,
it's time, you're old.



Original

The Cider threw me off my feet,
talking bats cross costal downs,
headfirst through the hedgerow,
steeped before an apple sleep.

The day had woken way before me
filtered fresh behind olive blinds,
haloed by a crushed straw hat,
crusty eyes through sunlit trees.

Pulling corn stalks I make my stand
and take a scarecrows offered hand,
but ground turns hard with little trace
of summer ways in a winter place.

As snow takes hold blown into drifts
I make out a shape as reality shifts.
A body curled against the cold,
the scarecrow whispers;

[tectak]

The Cider threw me off my feet,
talking bats cross costal downs, coastal?
headfirst through the hedgerow,
steeped before an apple sleep. Fresh and zingy. I like this

The day had woken way before me
filtered fresh behind olive blinds,
haloed by a crushed straw hat,
crusty eyes through sunlit trees.

Pulling corn stalks I make my stand
and take a scarecrows offered hand, scarecrow's
but ground turns hard with little trace "but" is conditional so what is it doing here?
of summer ways in a winter place.

As snow takes hold blown into drifts
I make out a shape as reality shifts.
A body curled against the cold,
the scarecrow whispers; Technically not the use to which a semi colon should be put BUT are you really suggesting that the last line is narrative. Aha...perhaps not and if not then period after whispers?
its time, your old. You're old. Proof read Keith.

Hi keith,
We must not say this is good, I like this. This is good, I like this.

[Keith]

The Cider threw me off my feet,
talking bats cross costal downs, coastal?
headfirst through the hedgerow,
steeped before an apple sleep. Fresh and zingy. I like this

The day had woken way before me
filtered fresh behind olive blinds,
haloed by a crushed straw hat,
crusty eyes through sunlit trees.

Pulling corn stalks I make my stand
and take a scarecrows offered hand, scarecrow's
but ground turns hard with little trace "but" is conditional so what is it doing here?
of summer ways in a winter place.

As snow takes hold blown into drifts
I make out a shape as reality shifts.
A body curled against the cold,
the scarecrow whispers; Technically not the use to which a semi colon should be put BUT are you really suggesting that the last line is narrative. Aha...perhaps not and if not then period after whispers?
its time, your old. You're old. Proof read Keith.

Hi keith,
We must not say this is good, I like this. This is good, I like this.

Proof read, proof read, proof read, damn sorry for the basics not being in order and thank you for your patience and advice, made an edit, pass me the hair shirt, proof read, proof read, proof read. Best Keith

[billy]

it started off quite jolly and then gathered into a darker poem.
why does the 3rd stanza rhyme and the others don't ?
all in all an enjoyable read.

The Cider threw me off my feet, good catch on the Cider cap,
talking bats cross coastal downs, i can't work out the meaning of talking bats? 9it's prob just me though
headfirst through the hedgerow, should it be head first?
steeped before an apple sleep. i like the s's and the ee's

The day had woken way before me
filtered fresh behind olive blinds,
haloed by a crushed straw hat,
crusty eyes blink sunlit trees.

Pulling corn stalks I make my stand
and take a scarecrow's offered hand.
The ground turns hard with little trace
of summer ways in a winter place.

As snow takes hold blown into drifts
I see a shape as reality shifts.
A body curled against the cold,
the scarecrow whispers,
it's time, you're old.

[Keith]

it started off quite jolly and then gathered into a darker poem.
why does the 3rd stanza rhyme and the others don't ?
all in all an enjoyable read.

The Cider threw me off my feet, good catch on the Cider cap,
talking bats cross coastal downs, i can't work out the meaning of talking bats? 9it's prob just me though
headfirst through the hedgerow, should it be head first?
steeped before an apple sleep. i like the s's and the ee's

The day had woken way before me
filtered fresh behind olive blinds,
haloed by a crushed straw hat,
crusty eyes blink sunlit trees.

Pulling corn stalks I make my stand
and take a scarecrow's offered hand.
The ground turns hard with little trace
of summer ways in a winter place.

As snow takes hold blown into drifts
I see a shape as reality shifts.
A body curled against the cold,
the scarecrow whispers,
it's time, you're old.

Thank You Billy Talking could also be Watching but I was going for a drunken feel...talking broken biscuits (bats) ok I will change it. The fist two stanza have a different rhyme scheme to the last two as I tried to change between light and dark....young and old.. I think the main problem is rhyming couplets are very obvious compared to the ambiguous scheme adopted in the first two stanzas. I will have a think Best Keith

[Keith]

I thoroughly enjoyed it. Great imagery for the mind's eyes to view.

Hi Atehequa, thank you for the kind words. Best Keith