Go On Sad One - A Child’s tale

[Erthona]

Go On Sad One - A Child’s tale

Go on sad one,
go on and play.
Go on sad one,
turn night to day.

Seek joy and fun,
please do not stray
show everyone,
your merry way.

Go on sad one,
go on! Now play!
It’s not for you,
though come what may.

For don’t you know
what is your place?
If pained inside,
still smile on face.

For sacrifice
you must endure
for those to pain,
are not inured.

Go on sad one,
while it’s still day,
‘fore darkness falls,
upon your grave.


–Erthona


©2014

[billy]

is it the death of a child?
i'm not sure what the form is, is it a lament...it reads a little like a lullaby but i'm not so good on forms. i kept wanting to see another syllable on the last line of each verse. i think the nature of the form dictates a lot of the small words but i wonder if you could change a few of them for some that are more substantial. i was also surprised not to see the go on line start every other verse.

thanks for the read.

[Erthona]

Billy,

Thanks for giving it a read. It's primarily in iambic tetrameter, although a single line is broken into two. I didn't really think about a form when I wrote it. It is certainly a lament. In the larger context that this is a part of, this is the god Enki lamenting about what use the other gods put the first created humans to. Enki, as their creator thinks of them as his children, the other gods think of them as only tools. This single poem is from a greater set called the "Songs of Enoch" which is part of a much larger poem still. You have read excerpt of it that I posted several years ago called "The Sons of Sirion"

"syllable on the last line of each verse" I think all the lines have four syllables. Were you wanting 5 syllables on the last line? It's interesting that you were anticipating that. I don't think I could make that happen. Can you give me an example of what you thought should be there. I would really be interested in seeing that.

"i was also surprised not to see the go on line start every other verse."

I think that is a good thing isn't it?

Thanks for your suggestions,

Dale

[Erthona]

fogglethorpe,

Thanks for your comments. I would say more Mother Goose, than song lyrics

Yes the two syllable line makes any corrections difficult. I've heard teacher's of younger children say things like "smile on face"

Yes, it is a flaw in the second to last stanza. It needs a "who at the start of the last line. I think I could change that, now that I am thinking about it to:


For sacrifice
you must endure
for those to pain,
who aren't inured.

Yes, I like that, what do you think?

Thanks again,

Dale

[Brownlie]

Go On Sad One - A Child’s tale

Go on sad one,
go on and play.
Go on sad one,
turn night to day.

Seek joy and fun,
please do not stray
show everyone,
your merry way.

Go on sad one,
go on! Now play! -- On a positive note, this not a bad use of an exclamation point.
It’s not for you,
though come what may.

For don’t you know
what is your place?
If pained inside,
still smile on face. -- I'm not so sure about smile on face.


For sacrifice -- The idea of sacrifice is the most fetching aspect of your poem to me, but I don't know how it relates to your larger body of work.
you must endure
for those to pain,
are not inured.

Go on sad one,
while it’s still day,
‘fore darkness falls, -- I'm not so sure about 'fore.

upon your grave.


–Erthona


©2014

I've made some comments, maybe they can help.

[Erthona]

Thanks Brownlie,

Dale

[LorettaYoung]

Go On Sad One - A Child’s tale

Go on sad one,
go on and play.
Go on sad one,
turn night to day.

Seek joy and fun,
please do not stray
show everyone,
your merry way.

Go on sad one,
go on! Now play!
It’s not for you,
though come what may.

For don’t you know
what is your place?
If pained inside,
still smile on face.

For sacrifice
you must endure
for those to pain,
are not inured.

Go on sad one,
while it’s still day,
‘fore darkness falls,
upon your grave.


–Erthona


©2014

---

Hi Dale:I was wondering about the relationship between Enki and Enoch. You are a scholar of ancient esoteric text?: are the three books of Enoch obtainable. Best Loretta

[Cherrie666pie]

This is beautiful. I love the lines "`fore darkness falls, upon your grave" for critiquing this though, I honestly cannot find anything wrong. I love how it reads like a lullaby and how it's kind of dark but not overly depressing. Good job I look forward to seeing more of your writing

[Erthona]

Thank you Cherrie.


Dale

[billy]

as i say. i'm not to up on the form of it, i just thought an extra syl on the last line of each would break it up a bit, but i see that as a lament that should be the case

as for the repetition. it's on three out of six but in no particular order. i was suggesting it be on every other first line of all of them.

you asked for an example which i now agree probably wouldn't work as it's a lament but here goes anyway:

Go on sad one,
go on and play.
Go on sad one,
turn the night to day.

Seek joy and fun,
please do not stray
show everyone,
your own merry way.

okay, bad word choices but i didn't want to change anything you wrote.
i really am not educated enough to undertsand enki though did google on this poem and the others i've read that you wrote and in the main find them fascinating ( i did see an episode of startrek in which picard used the language Gilgamesh to communicate with an alien) i can see i didn't impress you wit that one

Billy,

Thanks for giving it a read. It's primarily in iambic tetrameter, although a single line is broken into two. I didn't really think about a form when I wrote it. It is certainly a lament. In the larger context that this is a part of, this is the god Enki lamenting about what use the other gods put the first created humans to. Enki, as their creator thinks of them as his children, the other gods think of them as only tools. This single poem is from a greater set called the "Songs of Enoch" which is part of a much larger poem still. You have read excerpt of it that I posted several years ago called "The Sons of Sirion"

"syllable on the last line of each verse" I think all the lines have four syllables. Were you wanting 5 syllables on the last line? It's interesting that you were anticipating that. I don't think I could make that happen. Can you give me an example of what you thought should be there. I would really be interested in seeing that.

"i was also surprised not to see the go on line start every other verse."

I think that is a good thing isn't it?

Thanks for your suggestions,

Dale

[Erthona]

Billy,

Yeah, you're confusing "Enki" with "Enkidu". Enkidu was the half beast/half human who was the best friend of Gilgamesh, half human/half god. Enki was the second in line of the gods behind his half brother Enlil who was king of the gods. Both stories come from stories found on cuneiform tablets, mostly copies of the Sumerian into Babylonian. However, that was one of my favorite STNG episodes.

In terms of what you re-wrote, I understand what you are getting at, but the idea is that every two lines is actually a four foot line broken into.

show everyone your merry way.

Thus one line of iambic tetrameter. I understand what you are trying to read, it would be like reverse ballad meter. a three foot line followed by a four foot line, or here a two foot line followed by a three foot line,

Thanks for the comments. If you want to read more about this stuff, The Book of Giants also mentions Gilgamesh, and the books of Enoch give an overview of the same incidents that are alluded to in the Bible in Genesis where it talks about "In those days Giants were upon the earth."

Dale

[Pyxx]

Go On Sad One - A Child’s tale

Go on sad one,
go on and play.
Go on sad one,
turn night to day.

Seek joy and fun,
please do not stray
show everyone,
your merry way.

Go on sad one,
go on! Now play!
It’s not for you,
though come what may.

For don’t you know
what is your place?
If pained inside,
still smile on face.

For sacrifice
you must endure
for those to pain,
are not inured.

Go on sad one,
while it’s still day,
‘fore darkness falls,
upon your grave.


–Erthona


©2014

I rather like this work, it appears to flow better as the poem draws to an end, as if the choice of rhyme used comes easier. However I do agree that the use of simple rhyme does give the impression of reading this from a child's perspective, so your decision to do this works.


For sacrifice
you must endure
for those to pain,
are not inured.

Go on sad one,
while it’s still day,
‘fore darkness falls,
upon your grave.

[Erthona]

Thanks Pyxx,

Dale