Murder

[ChristopherSea]

final

Murder

The prowler was spotted
in the neighborhood stalking others,
but our turn arrived. Nights dilated
and became frigid, growing icicles
as potential murder weapons.

Death stole to our home on stilts,
peered through our frosted bedroom
window and observed that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass until
the kissing ceases. The slayer saw
that we went to bed silent,
slept dreamless, not conscious
of how to love without killing
one another. Inviting death
into the house that night offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf in life,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

By late next morning, authorities
dragged the pond behind the house
and discovered the missing bodies
of our violated wedding vows.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Loretta/Dale/QDS/Cy/TtheLion/TruE/Tom/ella/klis edit3/4 Thankyou

Murder

The prowler was spotted
in the neighborhood stalking others,
but our turn had arrived. Nights dilated
and became frigid, growing icicles
as potential murder weapons.

Death came to our home on stilts,
peered through our frosted bedroom
window and saw that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing ceases. It observed
that we went to bed silent,
slept dreamless, not conscious
of how to love without killing
one another. Inviting death
into the house that night offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf in life,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

By late next morning, authorities
dragged the pond behind the house
and discovered the missing bodies
of our violated wedding vows.



-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Loretta/Dale/QDS/Cy/TtheLion/TruE edit2 Thanks again.

Murder

The usual suspect was spotted
in the neighborhood coming for others,
but our turn had come. Nights dilated
and became frigid, growing icicles
as potential murder weapons.

Death came to our home on stilts,
peered through our frosted bedroom
window and saw that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing ceases,
that we went to bed silent,
slept dreamless, unconscious
of how to love without killing
one another. Inviting death
into the house that night offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf in life,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

By late next morning, authorities
dragged the pond behind the house
and discovered the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows.


------------------------------------------
Loretta/Dale/QDS/Cyf edit1 Thank you

Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood
coming for others,
but it was our time,
our season, with the nights busy
dilating, becoming frigid, growing icicles
as potential murder weapons.

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
each other in the process.

Inviting death into our home
offered autonomy, a nascent leaf in life,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

Foul play
was uncovered late morning
when authorities dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows.


--------------------------------
Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past
coming for others,
but it was our season now.
Nights were busy
dilating, growing icicles
as perfect murder weapons.

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
ourselves in the process. Death offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

Foul play
was eventually uncovered
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows.

[LorettaYoung]

[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='163431' dateline='1402493734']
[b]Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past do[/b]had been and in the past say the same thing.
coming for others,
but it was our season now.
Nights were busy
dilating, growing iciclesnot sure why dilating?
as perfect murder weapons.

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
ourselves in the process. Death offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

Foul play
was eventually uncoveredame question about using eventually and late mornng.
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows.
[/quote]

I find the twist between real death and the metaphor very close. I think this is interesting; gave me a feeling of dread. Loretta

[Erthona]

Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past
coming for others,
but it was our season now.
Nights were busy
dilating, growing icicles
as perfect murder weapons.

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
ourselves in the process. Death offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities. < I don't think this metaphor adds anything to the poem>

Foul play
was eventually uncovered
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows.

Chris,

Seems like a sort of long way to go for a punch line, although it is a good one. A lot of this poem does not seem to contribute to the narrative, it could probably be trimmed a fair amount.
The extended metaphor is more or less solid, but it wouldn't hurt to make it more overt. Overall it is a good idea, but falls down a bit on the execution.

Dale

[QDeathstar]

Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past
coming for others, i like the opening, but
but it was our season now. you lost me, why season? Surely you mean turn?
Nights were busy
dilating, growing icicles the nights were growing longer, and longer nights make good murder weapons?
as perfect murder weapons.

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
ourselves in the process. Death offered I dont think you made the transition from death being a pervert staring at you outside your window creepily, to death being able to offer something to you. Perhaps something less cliche than " knocking at your window".... But the transition is missing.
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

Foul play
was eventually uncovered
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows.

I like the idea, but the execution got lost in the middle of the poem.

[Cyferz]

Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past
coming for others, bad segue
but it was our season now. this line is required to understand the line previous; awkward.
Nights were busy
dilating, growing icicles with this sudden imagery it is now winter outside in near where icicles might form
as perfect murder weapons. but it turns out they were murder weapons instead. Imagery becomes similie

If I didnt know it these are two stanzas completely seperate poems. Other than the vague theme of death in winter there is sparse connecting the two. The pace shifts dramatically. The first is like Tim Burton movie intro panning across a sleepy neighbourhood. The second is Dr. Seuss adventure with death popping into little kids windows.

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing How to love without killing ourselves? This little spiritual journey seems grossly out of place
ourselves in the process. Death offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

A lot of fluff and little meaning. Cant tell which verbs are metaphorical and which are real.

Foul play
was eventually uncovered
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows.

Huh. Was it actual or metaphorical murders..? I'm confused. Confusion is bad, it stops me from enjoying the better parts.

[ChristopherSea]

[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='163431' dateline='1402493734']
[b]Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past do[/b]had been and in the past say the same thing.
coming for others,
but it was our season now.
Nights were busy
dilating, growing iciclesnot sure why dilating?
as perfect murder weapons.

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
ourselves in the process. Death offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

Foul play
was eventually uncoveredame question about using eventually and late mornng.
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows.

I find the twist between real death and the metaphor very close. I think this is interesting; gave me a feeling of dread. Loretta
[/quote]

Thanks Lorreta for you time and critique. I will check that had been/past redundancy. Nights becoming longer and colder, with them consuming the greater portion of their lives was the intent. Yes, eventually/late morning may not be necessary. I am glad that you found the poem intriguing. Cheers/Chris

---

Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past
coming for others,
but it was our season now.
Nights were busy
dilating, growing icicles
as perfect murder weapons.

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
ourselves in the process. Death offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities. < I don't think this metaphor adds anything to the poem>

Foul play
was eventually uncovered
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows.

Chris,

Seems like a sort of long way to go for a punch line, although it is a good one. A lot of this poem does not seem to contribute to the narrative, it could probably be trimmed a fair amount.
The extended metaphor is more or less solid, but it wouldn't hurt to make it more overt. Overall it is a good idea, but falls down a bit on the execution.

Dale

Dale, Thanks for taking a look. I will review the execution as you recommend. I don't see expanding any more interesting than dilating. I see more depth and double entendre in it with pupils opening wider in the dark and the night consuming them. Additionally, day length shortens and darkness increases in winner.

Why not stilts? I didn't feel like getting out the extension ladder to reach the master bedroom and that would be much more boring. I also like the idea of a stilted love affair (ie, awkward and uneasy). There's a creepier sense on stilts as well, a circus aspect.

That metaphor that you missed as being significant is pivotal, as death of the marriage is the only way to salvage something in their lives (give them autonomy, a second chance at life, new opportunities). If you think this is long way to the end of a marriage, you have little patience for the institution of marriage or a short attention span for this particular poem. Nonetheless, I shall see if I can trim it a bit. Much obliged, as always./Chris

---

Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past
coming for others, bad segue
but it was our season now. this line is required to understand the line previous; awkward.
Nights were busy
dilating, growing icicles with this sudden imagery it is now winter outside in near where icicles might form
as perfect murder weapons. but it turns out they were murder weapons instead. Imagery becomes similie

If I didnt know it these are two stanzas completely seperate poems. Other than the vague theme of death in winter there is sparse connecting the two. The pace shifts dramatically. The first is like Tim Burton movie intro panning across a sleepy neighbourhood. The second is Dr. Seuss adventure with death popping into little kids windows.

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing How to love without killing ourselves? This little spiritual journey seems grossly out of place
ourselves in the process. Death offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

A lot of fluff and little meaning. Cant tell which verbs are metaphorical and which are real.

Foul play
was eventually uncovered
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows.

Huh. Was it actual or metaphorical murders..? I'm confused. Confusion is bad, it stops me from enjoying the better parts.

Cyf, Welcome to the site and thanks for the critique. I am not certain why you are confused, it's a simple extended metaphor for the death of a marriage. For a change of seasons, I see no problem with a change in the weather. Don't icicles come with winter and it's accompanying cold?

I don't see why you fail to connect suspect and murder from the first stanza to death in the second.

It's hardly fluff in the reveal of what is about to die in that stanza. I love Dr. Suess, but I don't see any fixed meter, rhymes or inversions herein nor any children for that matter, although expanding one's imagination to one as open as a child's could help in appreciating the poem. I will examine the piece for clarity nonetheless. Much obliged for the read./Chris

---

Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past
coming for others, i like the opening, but
but it was our season now. you lost me, why season? Surely you mean turn?
Nights were busy
dilating, growing icicles the nights were growing longer, and longer nights make good murder weapons?
as perfect murder weapons.

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
ourselves in the process. Death offered I dont think you made the transition from death being a pervert staring at you outside your window creepily, to death being able to offer something to you. Perhaps something less cliche than " knocking at your window".... But the transition is missing.
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

Foul play
was eventually uncovered
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows.

I like the idea, but the execution got lost in the middle of the poem.

Thank you QDS for sharing your critique. Season implies a change, it's not that complicated a metaphor. I can separate the lengthening from the growing colder if need be. However, I see a growing icicle relating to a growing evening that is turning cold with no problem. The murder weapon is foreshadowing death. Hitchcock used an icicle in one of his short thrillers.

I am not sure of what pervert you are referring too, but a dying marriage can be observed. That cliche you mention is not even in the poem.

The transition you seek is right there before you in what was observed in the bedroom. However, I will review all of your concerns. Thanks/Chris

[QDeathstar]

I know that cliche isn't in the poem, im saying that you make the move from death staring outsite the window, to death being able to offer you things. With no transitition. It makes no sense.


Death knocking on your window would make more sense, but it is cliche.


Death is observing a dying marriage. Ok?


Also, season implies change, i guess.... But "it was our season now" is still awkward.

Death had been seen coming for others, but it was our time for change now?

[ChristopherSea]

I know that cliche isn't in the poem, im saying that you make the move from death staring outsite the window, to death being able to offer you things. With no transitition. It makes no sense.


Death knocking on your window would make more sense, but it is cliche.


Death is observing a dying marriage. Ok?


Also, season implies change, i guess.... But "it was our season now" is still awkward.

Death had been seen coming for others, but it was our time for change now?

Agreed, but having no transition and making no sense are two very different problems. An intervening line could bridge the former problem. A total rewrite is needed for a nonsensical concept. Thanks for the clarification. The language can always be worked out if the story and its progression is logical.

[bena]

I have to say that I was all in with the poem. Of course, I usually don't give a flying f if a poem makes sense or not, just look at my poetry. When I read a poem, I assume that the author is going to take me somewhere and I don't usually care if that place is magical where things aren't always spelled out for me--I can make that leap as long as you give me a ledge to jump to, and you did.

The ONLY thing that annoyed me a tiny bit was the line "with the nights busy dilating" ---not because of the phrase itself but the way you chose to drop dilating to next line. Not sure what that choice was about, but because I couldn't see the gerund upcoming the first (and second) time I read it I saw
"night's" (thinking you'd forgotten your apostrophe) then it clicks but when it did had to go back...it took me out of the poem for a few seconds trying to diagram the line.

I love it, even if it is a bit cheesy---it's a campy work that balances the actual morbidity of the poem with the fact that we knew where it was going long before it got there. The journey itself was well worth it.

[QDeathstar]

I think the edit makes things lot clearer. I think I like the last stanza very much, but the set up for it is still kind of awkward. "Inviting death into our home", while clearer leaves more questions. Did he trick you?


"Death encouraged by our slow decay
Tapped on our door soliciting
autonomy, a nascent leaf in life,
an algal bloom of possibilities."

Perhaps


I'm fine with dilating night...

[ChristopherSea]

I think the edit makes things lot clearer. I think I like the last stanza very much, but the set up for it is still kind of awkward. "Inviting death into our home", while clearer leaves more questions. Did he trick you?


"Death encouraged by our slow decay
Tapped on our door soliciting
autonomy, a nascent leaf in life,
an algal bloom of possibilities."

Perhaps


I'm fine with dilating night...

I see what you mean QDS and your alternative lines are enticing. I will consider them or something along those lines for my next edit. Thanks so much for the return visit. /Chris

---

I have to say that I was all in with the poem. Of course, I usually don't give a flying f if a poem makes sense or not, just look at my poetry. When I read a poem, I assume that the author is going to take me somewhere and I don't usually care if that place is magical where things aren't always spelled out for me--I can make that leap as long as you give me a ledge to jump to, and you did.

The ONLY thing that annoyed me a tiny bit was the line "with the nights busy dilating" ---not because of the phrase itself but the way you chose to drop dilating to next line. Not sure what that choice was about, but because I couldn't see the gerund upcoming the first (and second) time I read it I saw
"night's" (thinking you'd forgotten your apostrophe) then it clicks but when it did had to go back...it took me out of the poem for a few seconds trying to diagram the line.

I love it, even if it is a bit cheesy---it's a campy work that balances the actual morbidity of the poem with the fact that we knew where it was going long before it got there. The journey itself was well worth it.

Thanks Melanie, I dropped the dilating to the next line to allow the nights to be busy (working on their demise) before the list of how is revealed. I will re-examine the line for that bump you encountered. Much obliged for the read and reaction./Chris

[Erthona]

"Nights were busy dilating" Sorry, but I would never have read this as the nights were growing longer. still it should probably read, simply "Nights were dilating". I still don't think dilating is a go word for "getting longer"

"Death came to our home on stilts" Sorry, I didn't see the anthropomorphism of Death. Maybe.

"Death came to our home on stilts,
peered through our frosted bedroom window
and saw that kisses leave tiny bruises
which amass until the kissing stops;..."

"Death offered autonomy, a nascent leaf, an algal bloom of possibilities" I get "Death offered autonomy", I'm just not sure why you put what comes after. The idea is already clear, what follows is more commentary, and it seems superfluous.

Did you mean: "a nascent leaf, of algal bloom possibilities"? That would work I think.


Dale

[Truerenigma]

Loretta/Dale/QDS/Cyf edit1 Thank you

Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood
coming for others,
but it was our time, The suspect intro is not very interesting, maybe if you were describing a "suspect" in a new and interesting way that supports you metaphor, but I don't think that's needed here. The poem starts at "our season" for me; choose one of the participles and replace it with a verb, maybe something like this but better:


our season, with the nights
dilating--becoming frigid--grew icicles
as murder weapons.


Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom The short lines with random brakes begin to grow tiresome at this point.
window and saw: that kisses The colon and all of the "that's have got to go, maybe try simplifying:

Death came on stilts,
peeked through the frost
on the second-floor bedroom window,
and saw the tiny bruises
that our kisses left.
He watched us climb under the sheets--
me with the earplugs
her with the headphone--
limbs creaking from atrophy,
the I.V. bags dripping
cold morphine
and old accusations.


leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;cut.

that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;cut. trite. also, mute silence, deaf silence, quiet silence, silent silence--redundant.
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
each other in the process[/b]simplify

Inviting death into our home
offered autonomy, a nascent leaf in life,
an algal bloom of possibilities. [b]Best stanza, maybe start here.

Foul playCut
was uncoveredcut:

late morning:
authorities dragged the pond
behind the house, found two bodies and an icicle
but no fingerprints.

They caught the vow later
with a briefcase full of cash
buying a one-way ticket to mexico.



of our hollow wedding vows.


--------------------------------
Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past
coming for others,
but it was our season now.
Nights were busy
dilating, growing icicles
as perfect murder weapons.

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
ourselves in the process. Death offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

Foul play
was eventually uncovered
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi Chris. Enjoyed this one very much.
After considering the poem and all the comments, I really like where you are going in the edit. I really didn't like "in the past" in the 3rd line, but I see it is gone. In the same vein, I think there might be too many instances of the word "our". --Our time, our season, our home X2, our hollow wedding vows. I think the first 2 instances are important to establish that it became personal to the speaker. From there, I would avoid "our". The last line in particular reads much stronger without it, for my preference.

the missing bodies

of hollow wedding vows

[LorettaYoung]

Loretta/Dale/QDS/Cyf edit1 Thank you

Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood
coming for others,
but it was our time, The suspect intro is not very interesting, maybe if you were describing a "suspect" in a new and interesting way that supports you metaphor, but I don't think that's needed here. The poem starts at "our season" for me; choose one of the participles and replace it with a verb, maybe something like this but better:


our season, with the nights
dilating--becoming frigid--grew icicles
as murder weapons.


Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom The short lines with random brakes begin to grow tiresome at this point.
window and saw: that kisses The colon and all of the "that's have got to go, maybe try simplifying:

Death came on stilts,
peeked through the frost
on the second-floor bedroom window,
and saw the tiny bruises
that our kisses left.
He watched us climb under the sheets--
me with the earplugs
her with the headphone--
limbs creaking from atrophy,
the I.V. bags dripping
cold morphine
and old accusations.


leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;cut.

that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;cut. trite. also, mute silence, deaf silence, quiet silence, silent silence--redundant.
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
each other in the process[/b]simplify

Inviting death into our home
offered autonomy, a nascent leaf in life,
an algal bloom of possibilities. [b]Best stanza, maybe start here.

Foul playCut
was uncoveredcut:

late morning:
authorities dragged the pond
behind the house, found two bodies and an icicle
but no fingerprints.

They caught the vow later
with a briefcase full of cash
buying a one-way ticket to mexico.



of our hollow wedding vows.


--------------------------------
Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past
coming for others,
but it was our season now.
Nights were busy
dilating, growing icicles
as perfect murder weapons.

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
ourselves in the process. Death offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

Foul play
was eventually uncovered
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding

---

Hi Tiger: This time I must agree with alot of trueenigmas suggestions. The cut suggestions are good; the wording would be yours, as his is an illustration of his thinking. Going good places. Best, Loretta

[ChristopherSea]

"Nights were busy dilating" Sorry, but I would never have read this as the nights were growing longer. still it should probably read, simply "Nights were dilating". I still don't think dilating is a go word for "getting longer"

"Death came to our home on stilts" Sorry, I didn't see the anthropomorphism of Death. Maybe.

"Death came to our home on stilts,
peered through our frosted bedroom window
and saw that kisses leave tiny bruises
which amass until the kissing stops;..."

"Death offered autonomy, a nascent leaf, an algal bloom of possibilities" I get "Death offered autonomy", I'm just not sure why you put what comes after. The idea is already clear, what follows is more commentary, and it seems superfluous.

Did you mean: "a nascent leaf, of algal bloom possibilities"? That would work I think.


Dale

OK Dale. The leaf and algae were supposed to foreshadow the 'bodies' in the backyard pond as well. Let me take another look. Thanks again./Chris

---

Loretta/Dale/QDS/Cyf edit1 Thank you

Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood
coming for others,
but it was our time, The suspect intro is not very interesting, maybe if you were describing a "suspect" in a new and interesting way that supports you metaphor, but I don't think that's needed here. The poem starts at "our season" for me; choose one of the participles and replace it with a verb, maybe something like this but better:


our season, with the nights
dilating--becoming frigid--grew icicles
as murder weapons.


Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom The short lines with random brakes begin to grow tiresome at this point.
window and saw: that kisses The colon and all of the "that's have got to go, maybe try simplifying:

Death came on stilts,
peeked through the frost
on the second-floor bedroom window,
and saw the tiny bruises
that our kisses left.
He watched us climb under the sheets--
me with the earplugs
her with the headphone--
limbs creaking from atrophy,
the I.V. bags dripping
cold morphine
and old accusations.


leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;cut.

that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;cut. trite. also, mute silence, deaf silence, quiet silence, silent silence--redundant.
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
each other in the process[/b]simplify

Inviting death into our home
offered autonomy, a nascent leaf in life,
an algal bloom of possibilities. [b]Best stanza, maybe start here.

Foul playCut
was uncoveredcut:

late morning:
authorities dragged the pond
behind the house, found two bodies and an icicle
but no fingerprints.

They caught the vow later
with a briefcase full of cash
buying a one-way ticket to mexico.



of our hollow wedding vows.


--------------------------------
Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past
coming for others,
but it was our season now.
Nights were busy
dilating, growing icicles
as perfect murder weapons.

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
ourselves in the process. Death offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

Foul play
was eventually uncovered
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding

TrueE, much obliged for your time and detailed analysis. You have some great ideas. I found your two closing alternatives very amusing./Chris

[QDeathstar]

I think one thing to consider when making your edits is that right now, as it stands you are inspiring a lot of people to put their own little twist on the poem, eg: the poem is interesting and thought provoking.


If you edit it too much or make it too smooth you might loose some of that.

[theswelter]

Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past
coming for others,
but it was our season now.
Nights were busy
dilating, growing icicles
as perfect murder weapons. I LIKE THE IDEA BUT NOT THE EXECUTION HERE. HERE, I THINK YOU CAN ALLUDE TO THE FROSTINESS IN THE HOME, IN THE BED, IN THEIR HEARTS. I ALSO THINK THAT CONTRACTING GIVES A GREATER SENSE OF PANIC, OF SUFFOCATION, AND ALSO HINTS AT DIMINISHED SEXUAL CONNECTION

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through I LIKE THE STILTS, THEY'RE SO CREEPY, CIRCUSY, VOYEURISTIC
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
ourselves in the process. SO GOOD! Death offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities. I SEE THAT YOU ARE FORESHADOWING THE METAPHORICAL "BODIES IN THE POND" HERE BUT I THINK YOU CAN WORK ON THE EXECUTION OF THIS IDEA. I'M NOT EVEN SURE YOU NEED THESE TWO AND A HALF LINES

Foul play
was eventually uncovered
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows.

SO good! I loved reading this.

[ChristopherSea]

Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past
coming for others,
but it was our season now.
Nights were busy
dilating, growing icicles
as perfect murder weapons. I LIKE THE IDEA BUT NOT THE EXECUTION HERE. HERE, I THINK YOU CAN ALLUDE TO THE FROSTINESS IN THE HOME, IN THE BED, IN THEIR HEARTS. I ALSO THINK THAT CONTRACTING GIVES A GREATER SENSE OF PANIC, OF SUFFOCATION, AND ALSO HINTS AT DIMINISHED SEXUAL CONNECTION

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through I LIKE THE STILTS, THEY'RE SO CREEPY, CIRCUSY, VOYEURISTIC
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
ourselves in the process. SO GOOD! Death offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities. I SEE THAT YOU ARE FORESHADOWING THE METAPHORICAL "BODIES IN THE POND" HERE BUT I THINK YOU CAN WORK ON THE EXECUTION OF THIS IDEA. I'M NOT EVEN SURE YOU NEED THESE TWO AND A HALF LINES

Foul play
was eventually uncovered
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows.

SO good! I loved reading this.

Thanks for looking this over and making some good suggestions swelter. I see what you mean about the contracting nights and that could be effective. I will give those sections you mention another look. Others had a problem with dilation as well, which makes me want to keep it all the more. I want the nights to grow longer, open wider, to go with the shorter day length of winter, accentuate those dreadful nights together. The same goes for that algal bloom irking you and others. That's another favorite for me and really the whole motive for the poem. Nonetheless, I promise to re-examine them. Much obliged for your read and recommendations. /Chris

[tectak]

Loretta/Dale/QDS/Cy/TtheLion/TruE edit2 Thanks again.

Murder

The usual suspect was spotted
in the neighborhood coming for others, punctuate to clarity. You have written "...the neighborhood coming for others". You do not mean this.
but our turn had come. Nights dilated dilated?
and became frigid, growing icicles "frigid" has connotations which seem inappropriate at best but ill-chosen at worst.
as potential murder weapons. I bide my time on the meaning of this. I hope you help me out

Death came to our home on stilts, There is a perilously long sentence coming. In this sentence are some nice phrases. It would be to the betterment of the piece if the nice phrases had some space on the page to call their own. Look at punctuating.
peered through our frosted bedroom
window and saw that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing ceases, Hmmm. Really? Why you think this?
that we went to bed silent,
slept dreamless, unconscious
of how to love without killing You simply cannot be "unconscious of". Think about it. "unconscious" is NOT the same as "not conscious"
one another. Inviting death
into the house that night offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf in life,
an algal bloom of possibilities. There is something in this line which is chilling and I like it.

By late next morning, authorities
dragged the pond behind the house ...by 11am xxxx dragged the pond. had dragged
and discovered the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows. Yes but no to the enjambment. Hollow vows float

Hi chris,
I said I owed you one! Nice subject, some good thinking and as an example of commitment verse it is worthy. The end just justifies the means.
Best,
tectak
------------------------------------------
Loretta/Dale/QDS/Cyf edit1 Thank you

Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood
coming for others,
but it was our time,
our season, with the nights busy
dilating, becoming frigid, growing icicles
as potential murder weapons.

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
each other in the process.

Inviting death into our home
offered autonomy, a nascent leaf in life,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

Foul play
was uncovered late morning
when authorities dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows.


--------------------------------
Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past
coming for others,
but it was our season now.
Nights were busy
dilating, growing icicles
as perfect murder weapons.

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
ourselves in the process. Death offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

Foul play
was eventually uncovered
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows.