Commuting (Edit 1.1)

[ellajam]

Edit 1.1 (JC, bena, Brownlie)

The car knows the route with no help from me
which leaves my mind open to play poetry.
The rhymes foam like ale in a Trappist monk's cup
while the radio prods me to "Funk it up!"
I shuffle lost stanzas, stray commas and try
to find the right order as exits slide by.
A dance in my seat gets the meter to spark,
the trick's to retrieve it after I park.


Edit 1 (Brownlie)

The car knows the route with no help from me
which opens my mind to play poetry.
The rhymes rattle 'round like coins in a monk's cup
while the radio prods me to "Funk it up!"
I shuffle lost stanzas, stray commas and try
to find the right order as exits speed by.
A dance in my seat gets the meter to spark,
the trick's to retrieve it after I park.


Original

The car knows the route with no help from me
which leaves my mind open to play poetry.
The rhymes rattle 'round like coins in a monk's cup
while the radio urges me to "Funk it up!"
I shuffle stubborn stanzas and try
to find the right order as miles fly by.
A dance in my seat gets the meter to spark,
the trick's to retrieve it after I park.

[Brownlie]

The car knows the route with no help from me
which leaves my mind open to play poetry.
The rhymes rattle 'round like coins in a monk's cup
while the radio urges me to "Funk it up!"
I shuffle stubborn stanzas and try
to find the right order as miles fly by.
A dance in my seat gets the meter to spark,
the trick's to retrieve it after I park.

That's pretty good. I can critique it if you move it, but that is my cursory opinion. For now I'm going to sleep.

[ellajam]

The car knows the route with no help from me
which leaves my mind open to play poetry.
The rhymes rattle 'round like coins in a monk's cup
while the radio urges me to "Funk it up!"
I shuffle stubborn stanzas and try
to find the right order as miles fly by.
A dance in my seat gets the meter to spark,
the trick's to retrieve it after I park.

That's pretty good. I can critique it if you move it, but that is my cursory opinion. For now I'm going to sleep.

I always welcome critique wherever I post, feel free. I used up a good portion of a traffic jam trying to rhyme Funk it up.

Sweet dreams.

[Erthona]

Marcellaellapatella,

I was wondering about that, but the last line answered my question.


dale the parking meter

[Brownlie]

The car knows the route with no help from me -- This is an interesting idea that connects to themes about muscle memory, or something like that.
which leaves my mind open to play poetry. -- This is pretty good, but you don't necessarily need "leaves." What is interesting is that when you are given a chance to think, your mind begins to play poetry. The idea of poetry is also good as all art is sort of like the mind at play.
The rhymes rattle 'round like coins in a monk's cup -- This is a pretty good simile
while the radio urges me to "Funk it up!" -- I like the addition of the radio it adds a new layer of sound.
I shuffle stubborn stanzas and try -- Shuffle relates to dancing which connects to the radio so that's pretty cool.
to find the right order as miles fly by. -- "fly by" is sort of cliché maybe playing around with a new way of expressing this idea would be useful.
A dance in my seat gets the meter to spark, -- I like how the poem keeps returning to dancing. If you saw that layers of abstraction thing that was posted you could see that dance refers to a whole category of items. Pinning the exercise to a specific type of dancing may add more depth to the poem. You might even get some results by including a specific type of dancing and playing with it as a metaphor throughout the entire poem.
the trick's to retrieve it after I park. -- This is a pretty good ending it stops the poem and the car at the same time.

Lot's of cool stuff in this little poem that I think can played with. You may also want to think of playing with the rhyme scheme a bit maybe even fitting the rhythm to a specific type of dance. Good post.

[ellajam]

The car knows the route with no help from me -- This is an interesting idea that connects to themes about muscle memory, or something like that.
which leaves my mind open to play poetry. -- This is pretty good, but you don't necessarily need "leaves." What is interesting is that when you are given a chance to think, your mind begins to play poetry. The idea of poetry is also good as all art is sort of like the mind at play.
The rhymes rattle 'round like coins in a monk's cup -- This is a pretty good simile
while the radio urges me to "Funk it up!" -- I like the addition of the radio it adds a new layer of sound.
I shuffle stubborn stanzas and try -- Shuffle relates to dancing which connects to the radio so that's pretty cool.
to find the right order as miles fly by. -- "fly by" is sort of cliché maybe playing around with a new way of expressing this idea would be useful.
A dance in my seat gets the meter to spark, -- I like how the poem keeps returning to dancing. If you saw that layers of abstraction thing that was posted you could see that dance refers to a whole category of items. Pinning the exercise to a specific type of dancing may add more depth to the poem. You might even get some results by including a specific type of dancing and playing with it as a metaphor throughout the entire poem.
the trick's to retrieve it after I park. -- This is a pretty good ending it stops the poem and the car at the same time.

Lot's of cool stuff in this little poem that I think can played with. You may also want to think of playing with the rhyme scheme a bit maybe even fitting the rhythm to a specific type of dance. Good post.

Thanks so much, Brownlie, for such a thorough read. Maybe "prods" instead of "urges" would help, too. Unfortunately, I don't think there's a specific name for "dancing like a madwoman."

Seriously though, I'll look to edit out the weak spots you pointed out. Your critique is greatly appreciated, and I'm glad you enjoyed the fun.

[Namyh]

ellajam - Sometimes the best ideas happen when driving and commuting. So I know from where you speak. When my idea 'meter sparks', I keep a small taperecorder with me to not forget. I hate going into that frustrating retrieval mode. Most enjoyed your thought provoking work here ellajam. Namyh

[ellajam]

ellajam - Sometimes the best ideas happen when driving and commuting. So I know from where you speak. When my idea 'meter sparks', I keep a small taperecorder with me to not forget. I hate going into that frustrating retrieval mode. Most enjoyed your thought provoking work here ellajam. Namyh

Ha, thanks for reading, Namyh, and for reminding me I meant to tweak this.

I sometimes think about my cel and Ipad on the seat next to me, but I just let my mind go instead. I think I'm hoping to remember the good stuff and forget the garbage.

[LorettaYoung]

The car knows the route with no help from me
which leaves my mind open to play poetry.
The rhymes rattle 'round like coins in a monk's cup
while the radio urges me to "Funk it up!"
I shuffle stubborn stanzas and try
to find the right order as miles fly by.
A dance in my seat gets the meter to spark,
the trick's to retrieve it after I park.

That's pretty good. I can critique it if you move it, but that is my cursory opinion. For now I'm going to sleep.

---

Hi ellajam: Like this very much. I do the same on the way to work; but I can't be funking it up at that time. Best Loretta

[QDeathstar]

The car knows the route with no help from me
which leaves my mind open to play poetry.
The rhymes rattle 'round like coins in a monk's cup
while the radio urges me to "Funk it up!"
I shuffle stubborn stanzas and try
to find the right order as miles fly by.
A dance in my seat gets the meter to spark,
the trick's to retrieve it after I park.

I smirked.

[ellajam]

The car knows the route with no help from me
which leaves my mind open to play poetry.
The rhymes rattle 'round like coins in a monk's cup
while the radio urges me to "Funk it up!"
I shuffle stubborn stanzas and try
to find the right order as miles fly by.
A dance in my seat gets the meter to spark,
the trick's to retrieve it after I park.

I smirked.

Thanks for reading, Q, a smile, a smirk, I'll take what I can get.

Edit up.

[kindofahippy]

Amusing poem, and I know the feeling. I found it delightful how you used ambiguity with the meter in the last line.

[Brownlie]

Edit 1 (Brownlie)
Well, thank you for editing I know that can be a pain. Your meter deviates a little, but I think the poem can get away with it. The rhyme scheme makes the poem fun which fits your topic.

The car knows the route with no help from me
which opens my mind to play poetry. -- The meter is a little off here
The rhymes rattle 'round like coins in a monk's cup --The meter is a little off here

while the radio prods me to "Funk it up!"
I shuffle lost stanzas, stray commas and try -- Meter is a little off
to find the right order as exits speed by.
A dance in my seat gets the meter to spark,
the trick's to retrieve it after I park.


Original

The car knows the route with no help from me
which leaves my mind open to play poetry.
The rhymes rattle 'round like coins in a monk's cup
while the radio urges me to "Funk it up!"
I shuffle stubborn stanzas and try
to find the right order as miles fly by.
A dance in my seat gets the meter to spark,
the trick's to retrieve it after I park.

Thanks for posting, I enjoyed reading over it again. I'll have the lovely robot read through your poem you may find it interesting: https://www.yakitome.com/tts?a=T&b=878177&c=YhAd3sRI&d=T

[QDeathstar]

I preferred the op to the edit.

[justcloudy]

I definitely liked the changes to L5-6 in the edit. "Monk's cup" strikes me wrong, I think that line could be revised a bit. But really enjoyed this fun little one that we can all relate to!

[bena]

I have to agree with the "cloudly one" about monk's cup. Not really sure what it even means, perhaps it is an allusion I just don't get. I can be thick sometimes.
love it though, and my god, I have been there. I hate it when something hits me in the middle of life. Most of the time I have no pen.

hugs,
bena

[Joey Automata]

Edit 1 (Brownlie)

The car knows the route with no help from me

Love the first line. "with no help from me." Great line. It's true. Reminds me of driving to school/work still half asleep and unconsciously making all the right turns.

which opens my mind to play poetry.

Like the verb "play" before poetry. It's like poetry is a game on your phone or something. Good word choice. Unexpected, which makes it good.

The rhymes rattle 'round like coins in a monk's cup
while the radio prods me to "Funk it up!"

I like how the poem picked up a little rhythm in this line. It plays with the current state of the poem. As the character in the poem is "rattling off rhymes" the poem itself picks up a little rhythm. How very meta.

I shuffle lost stanzas, stray commas and try
to find the right order as exits speed by.

Love shuffling lost stanzas. It's like your mind is an information bank and you're sorting through discarded or forgotten poems. Sorta how poems actually work. New poems are usually a mixture of old and new ideas and lines.

A dance in my seat gets the meter to spark,
the trick's to retrieve it after I park.

I like the ending if it's saying what I think it's saying. Are you half jokingly say you hope you remember where you parked? Overall, it's a real fun poem. I liked every word and every line. That doesn't happen often. It doesn't have more than what it needs. Too often poetry is cluttered. Potentially great poems just have too much going on and it ruins it. But this poem is great. Good stuff.
Original


The car knows the route with no help from me
which leaves my mind open to play poetry.
The rhymes rattle 'round like coins in a monk's cup
while the radio urges me to "Funk it up!"
I shuffle stubborn stanzas and try
to find the right order as miles fly by.
A dance in my seat gets the meter to spark,
the trick's to retrieve it after I park.

[ellajam]

Hippy, glad you enjoyed the meter, I thought it was funny, nice to not be laughing alone.

Brownlie, thanks for the reread, I'll give it another go-through and listen and see if I can hear where it needs changing. As always, your ear is much appreciated.

Q, thanks for coming back to read the edit. Can you be more specific? I know it's in fun, no critique required, but I'm curious. Is there any specific word you think shouldn't have been dropped or is it a general preference?

Cloudy and mel, ha, the monk's cup, not so easy to find a rhyme for Funk it up, is it the rhyme that didn't work or the line? I meant it as a receptacle that starts out empty and begs for offerings, does the rhymes rattling in it not work or the whole mess? Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

Joey, welcome, thanks so much for the thorough read and comments, glad you enjoyed it. That last line: While I often say my goal in life has become remembering where the car is parked when I get out of work, in this case I was aiming for retrieving the poem. I used parked in place of "when I get home" to try to play off the meter in poetry and parking. Your read actually got the true state of affairs.

[justcloudy]

ella-- it's the "monk" that doesn't work for me. The idea works but it should be a beggar's cup or something I think. No? I just can't imagine monks going around begging with cups, that's all.

[ellajam]

ella-- it's the "monk" that doesn't work for me. The idea works but it should be a beggar's cup or something I think. No? I just can't imagine monks going around begging with cups, that's all.

You're right, I have an image in mind from somewhere of them with cups, actually bowls, but I think it's for food. Can rhymes rattle like grains of rice in a monk's cup? Maybe they can swirl, thanks, I'll think on it. I love the rhyme of monk's cup/funk it up, I'll try to make it work. Hey know of anything special they might drink? Off to research what they might brew.