Days End

[Tiger the Lion]

Posted the wrong version of this yesterday. Think I deleted it OK. My apologies if this is a duplicate.

Days End

Any decent war movie oughta make you sick to your stomach.
I'm still breathing 300 days in.
But I know the odds, and the ends.
He is coming quickly,
And I'm ashamed to close my eyes to the horror,
While I have them still,
To witness more.

[rowens]

He is coming quickly. That works. I thought about the poem in different ways. Depending how you read it, or how I read it, the middle line fits in. It doesn't read pleasantly. But it shouldn't.

I pieced it together to work fine for me.

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks Rowens. I think you read it as I intended. I'm not sure if it's a poem yet. But, if it doesn't remain awkward, it never will be.
Cheers,
Paul

[achenivi]

i feel that the first verse is it alittle awkward but other than that, everything thing else moved smoothly

[LorettaYoung]

Posted the wrong version of this yesterday. Think I deleted it OK. My apologies if this is a duplicate.

Days End

Any decent war movie oughta make you sick to your stomach.
I'm still breathing 300 days in.
But I know the odds, and the ends.
He is coming quickly,
And I'm ashamed to close my eyes to the horror,
While I have them still,
To witness more.

---

Hi; I'm sorry to be dense but are you talking about "end times"; and the significance of 300? Thanks, Loretta

[QDeathstar]

Posted the wrong version of this yesterday. Think I deleted it OK. My apologies if this is a duplicate.

Days End

Any decent war movie oughta make you sick to your stomach.
I'm still breathing 300 days in.
But I know the odds, and the ends.
He is coming quickly,
And I'm ashamed to close my eyes to the horror,
While I have them still,
To witness more.

I like the shortness of it. It makes me hold my breath as a I read it. I love the third line, " i know the odds COMMA and the ends. "

[nb]

Hi folks!

Tiger, are you a veteran, or are you serving the armed forces (of some country) now? 'Cause if you're not, then you've kind of done with your short verse here what Stephen Crane (maybe my favorite author) did with The Red Badge of Courage, which is one of the war novels & Crane never served a day in his life.

Days End is short, bittersweet and to the point, very. In this respect it reminds me of Crane's Tell brave deeds of war or his There was crimson clash of war.

nb

[justcloudy]

Days End

Any decent war movie oughta make you sick to your stomach.
I'm still breathing 300 days in. Maybe a comma instead of a full stop here.
But I know the odds, and the ends.
He is coming quickly, "he" is short and sweet but is lacking in images and details. It works but maybe something more descriptive could work better, I'm not sure.
And I'm ashamed to close my eyes to the horror, These next 3 lines feel like they are begging for a rewrite. "Horror" is a pretty vague abstraction, but again it is short n sweet so it depends on what your vision for the poem is.
While I have them still, this one especially could pack a lot more punch than it does currently. Don't just talk about the eyes but use them to show us something.
To witness more.


Hi there Tiger,

As rowens said, this is a bit disjointed but that feel seems right. A few thoughts above. I don't like giving specific suggestions because it's your poem, but if you need me to elaborate on anything above I can.

It's pretty powerful as it is, but with a bit of tweaking it really could be gut-wrenching.

Looking fwd to an edit.

-justcloudy

[Tiger the Lion]

Posted the wrong version of this yesterday. Think I deleted it OK. My apologies if this is a duplicate.

Days End

Any decent war movie oughta make you sick to your stomach.
I'm still breathing 300 days in.
But I know the odds, and the ends.
He is coming quickly,
And I'm ashamed to close my eyes to the horror,
While I have them still,
To witness more.

---

Hi; I'm sorry to be dense but are you talking about "end times"; and the significance of 300? Thanks, Loretta

Hi Loretta. I'm quite sure you're not dense. On one level the poem is about "end times", but only for those who believe in that particular war. "300 days in" is meant as a milestone of sorts, for someone who may be on a year long tour of duty. Glad to be still breathing, but still breathing those days in (or make sense of them) Thank you for reading and commenting, Paul

---

Days End

Any decent war movie oughta make you sick to your stomach.
I'm still breathing 300 days in. Maybe a comma instead of a full stop here.
But I know the odds, and the ends.
He is coming quickly, "he" is short and sweet but is lacking in images and details. It works but maybe something more descriptive could work better, I'm not sure.
And I'm ashamed to close my eyes to the horror, These next 3 lines feel like they are begging for a rewrite. "Horror" is a pretty vague abstraction, but again it is short n sweet so it depends on what your vision for the poem is.
While I have them still, this one especially could pack a lot more punch than it does currently. Don't just talk about the eyes but use them to show us something.
To witness more.


Hi there Tiger,

As rowens said, this is a bit disjointed but that feel seems right. A few thoughts above. I don't like giving specific suggestions because it's your poem, but if you need me to elaborate on anything above I can.

It's pretty powerful as it is, but with a bit of tweaking it really could be gut-wrenching.

Looking fwd to an edit.

-justcloudy

Thanks justcloudy. I appreciate the encouragement and the constructiveness of your crit. I am open to specific suggestions once I've digested all the crits fully. And look forward to that when I'm ready to rewrite. I agree the second last line is not quite right. I am asking that line to tie a lot together and have had trouble doing it eloquently.

[sandraleigh05]

Maybe add a another line after the first one. More imagery. Another comparison to something kind of like the first line but more graphic to really stir up emotions. And then your "I'm still breathing 300 days in" well really feel powerful. I don't know though. I really do like this!

[Tiger the Lion]

A potential edit inspired by just cloudy. I'm cautiously exited about it. Thank you.

Days End

Any decent war movie oughta make you sick to your stomach.
I'm still breathing 300 days in,
but I know the odds, and the ends.
He is coming quickly;
I will not let my eyes be curtained,
while still in service,
to witness more.

[rowens]

I think "While I have them still" sounds better than "while still in service".

Even if 'service' can add something. I don't think it needs to.

[justcloudy]

I'm not sure if the second to last line is an improvement. I liked the feeling we got from the last one that he was scared he'd lose his sight or his life or even his humanity at any moment, but it felt clunky. I do like the change of the line before that though, it adds depth. Going in a good direction imo--keep at it! =]

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks, rowens and cloudy. Service feels forced to me also, so I guess we are all agreed. Still tinkering. - Paul