Adonis

[Jimmy Stark]

I am a complex Adonis.
Archetypical physical.
Saddled by ocular paparazzi
on my runway mirror.
Candles burn in unlit rooms
while clarity is exiled. Coroners corners corner me
as hunger emerges.
My stomach burns through restless nights.
Weight forever on my shoulders.
I am a complex Adonis

[QDeathstar]

I am a complex Adonis. you think you are a god? Also, I think complex Adonis is awkward and redundant
Archetypical physical.
Saddled by ocular paparazzi
on my runway mirror.
Candles burn in unlit rooms but the rooms are lit by candles?
while clarity is exiled. Coroners corners corner me
as hunger emerges hunger emerges and stomach burns are boring, IMO
My stomach burns through restless nights.
Weight forever on my shoulders.
I am a complex Adonis

I liked the lines "weight forever on my shoulders" and "saddled by ocular paparazzi"

But...

The poem is kinda boring, your a starving model. Ok?

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Jimmy. The biggest problem for me starts at the start...
"I am a complex Adonis."
- The speaker begins by telling us how wonderful they are. (complex Adonis is a rather high accolade) Why would the reader want to continue? And, if we do read on and are not quite convinced, the speaker reinforces it for us in the last line. I think framing the poem between these lines make the rest of the content redundant. It's a bit like saying...
I'm a really hot girl, but I'm really smart too
This is why
This is why
This is why
I'm a really hot girl, but I'm really smart too.

Having said that, I think the most promise is where you talk about shoulders and stomachs. Give the reader more body parts and how each part is affected by this lifestyle. And don't be afraid to show them a little skin.

[Jimmy Stark]

Ok, maybe I should clarify that the poem is supposed to be about muscle dysmorphia, better known as the "Adonis Complex". I wanted to convey that even though the speaker is in good shape, he is struggling with his weight and body image. He is his harshest critic and eventually stops eating and begins to go a bit crazy, even though he is aware that he has a nice body. He isn't actually a model.

Clearly what I ended up writing did not have the desired results. Can anyone help me convey this message better, does the poem make sense after this explanation, or should I scrap the whole thing?

Thanks for any help. I like the harsh criticism, I'd rather try to fix what I'm doing wrong than try and just do what works more.

[QDeathstar]

I am Adonis dysmorphed into mirror's pity,
my eyes stare at every imperfection
fueling my own self doubt.
Everyday my
self serving hunger strike
consumes me.

Slowing breaking me.

Meh, i dunno, got bored. Something like that, more clearer.

[Tiger the Lion]

I did get an impression of bodybuilding at first, but it got swallowed up by the more common anorexic model images. Now that I've read your explanation, and googled it, I might be inclined to bluntly title it "Adonis Complex", chop the first and last line, and go from there. Good Luck!

[LorettaYoung]

I am a complex Adonis. you think you are a god? Also, I think complex Adonis is awkward and redundant
Archetypical physical.
Saddled by ocular paparazzi
on my runway mirror.
Candles burn in unlit rooms but the rooms are lit by candles?
while clarity is exiled. Coroners corners corner me
as hunger emerges hunger emerges and stomach burns are boring, IMO
My stomach burns through restless nights.
Weight forever on my shoulders.
I am a complex Adonis

I liked the lines "weight forever on my shoulders" and "saddled by ocular paparazzi"

But...

The poem is kinda boring, your a starving model. Ok?

---

Hi, I cannot see the connection between the first four lines and the rest. The quickly changing line length makes the reading choppy. I think it would help to bring the ideas closer and more understandable. Best, Loretta

[shy_symphony]

I am a complex Adonis. you say here you are complex, yet an archetype in the next line?
Archetypical physical.
Saddled by ocular paparazzi
on my runway mirror.
Candles burn in unlit rooms how is the room unlit if candles burn there?
while clarity is exiled. Coroners corners corner me
as hunger emerges.
My stomach burns through restless nights.
Weight forever on my shoulders.
I am a complex Adonis

interesting theme, yet you could go further with this. of course it all depends on your intent and the depth of your investment in the subject.

[Brownlie]

I am a complex Adonis. -- Well you've switched the order of the syntax on Adonis Complex which is sort of clever. I think of the Rock's upcoming Hercules: his prehensile dripping nipples, and his manly labor.
Archetypical physical. -- This gives the whole poem a silly feel, which can be fun.
Saddled by ocular paparazzi
on my runway mirror. -- Maybe add in some details about what the Man sees in the mirror as opposed to what exists in other people's reality.

Candles burn in unlit rooms
while clarity is exiled. Coroners corners corner me
as hunger emerges.
My stomach burns through restless nights. - A little dramatic, the poem oscillates between what I perceived as a serious tone and some word play that gave it an air of flippancy.
Weight forever on my shoulders.
I am a complex Adonis

Left some comments hope that helps.

[kmatrixg]

Interesting topic - it could use a little trimming, as well as some refining and possibly better word choices in a few spots. Try not to harp too much on wordplay, especially when it's a difficult concept to imagine.

"Coroners corners corner me" is a bit wordy to me.