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Edit 1.75 (An unfinished edit taking to account others' suggestions. This condenses some of the ideas, and tries to add a greater sense of depth to the subject)
Edit 1.5 (An edit made without others' suggestions):
Original:
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You have some interesting lines here but they don't really take the poem any further than the first stanza, I think you have over used "hearth" and you have quite a few cliche lines that could do with a look at. I read it like a prayer, were the congregation are expected to say "Still I follow....of your hearth" Hope this helps, Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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(05-27-2014, 12:01 AM)RiverNotch Wrote: Edit 1.5 (An edit made without others' suggestions):
Cold winds do blow o'er these golden hills,
through the trees so verdant yet dull.
The flames of my heart are quenched by the breeze,
by this shiver of loneliness.
Still I feel
the warmth of your hearth.
Thick mists of sleet blind the wide-eyed soul
from the roads unsullied by doubt.
The honeyed skies turn grey and black
as the sun is eclipsed by the clouds.
Still I see
the light of your hearth.
The birds cease singing their songs of joy
and the rustlings of leaves depart.
Ravenous death tempts the sullen mind
with a song of restful charm.
Still I follow
the calls of your hearth.
And I know that one day I'll discover you,
I'll find rest by the flames of your hearth.
By love's industry or by fortune alone,
I shall stumble upon your hearth.
Til' then, I'll walk this lonely road
like an old dog to his end.
This winter spell shall batter my soul
and freeze my heart into glass.
Still I'll reach for
the home of your heart.
Original:
Cold winds do blow o'er these golden hills,
through the trees so verdant yet dull.
The flames of my heart are quenched by the breeze,
by this shiver of loneliness.
Still I feel
the warmth of your hearth.
Thick mists of sleet blind the wide-eyed soul
from the roads unsullied by doubt.
The honeyed skies turn grey and black
as the sun is eclipsed by the clouds.
Still I see
the light of your hearth.
The birds cease singing their songs of joy
and the rustlings of leaves depart.
Ravenous death tempts the sullen mind
with a song of restful charm.
Still I follow
the calls of your hearth.
And I know that one day
I will find you,
I'll find rest by the flames of your hearth.
By love's diligence
or by fortune alone,
I shall stumble upon your hearth.
Til' then, I'll walk this lonely road
like an old dog to his end.
This winter spell shall batter my soul
and freeze my heart into glass.
Still I'll come
to the home of your heart.
Almost pastoral in nature. "Still" is one of my favorite words of multiple meaning. That being said, my liking it is being put to the test here. If this is a "song"….then please, go for it. If not, then please, stop using it. The poem is not long enough to sustain the over usage. "Hearth / heart" is also a good play on words, and the ending is a valiant effort to save it, but again, there's not enough "meat" here to hang the hat of hearth as your "go to" image. I enjoyed the language (e.g. "heart into glass" or "the sullen mind") but I need something else beside a trick word/image to get me through.
Thanks for the post. Nice effort.
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(05-27-2014, 05:57 AM)Keith Wrote: You have some interesting lines here but they don't really take the poem any further than the first stanza, I think you have over used "hearth" and you have quite a few cliche lines that could do with a look at. I read it like a prayer, were the congregation are expected to say "Still I follow....of your hearth" Hope this helps, Keith
(05-27-2014, 08:56 AM)71degrees Wrote: Almost pastoral in nature. "Still" is one of my favorite words of multiple meaning. That being said, my liking it is being put to the test here. If this is a "song"….then please, go for it. If not, then please, stop using it. The poem is not long enough to sustain the over usage. "Hearth / heart" is also a good play on words, and the ending is a valiant effort to save it, but again, there's not enough "meat" here to hang the hat of hearth as your "go to" image. I enjoyed the language (e.g. "heart into glass" or "the sullen mind") but I need something else beside a trick word/image to get me through.
Thanks for the post. Nice effort.
It is a song, yes, and I find it chilling (but in a good way) for the poem that you, Keith, read it as a prayer. Anyway, thank you for pointing out that it's meatless, I wouldn't have noticed that without you saying it; I'll also follow your suggestion to change "your hearth" in some parts to something more progressive, as even when I first read that I too found it repetitive. Have you any specific suggestions on it, though, the "hearth" repetition?
As for its having just stayed at the message of the first stanza, it really is meant to be based around that; yes, it needs more meat, but it's not really meant to make any resolving conclusions or narrative progression. It's meant to be lyric, although perhaps I could reinforce that with actual meter and rhyme.
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[quote='RiverNotch' pid='165773' dateline='1401116487']
Edit 1.75 (An unfinished edit taking to account others' suggestions. This condenses some of the ideas, and tries to add a greater sense of depth to the subject)
[spoiler]
Cold winds may blow through these golden years,
and quench the flames of love.
The heart may freeze into icy glass,
but cheerful still is your hearth.
Thick mists may blind the wide-eyed soul,
from roads unsullied by doubt.
The cloudless skies may dim their lights,
but brilliant still is your hearth.
RiverNotch, Regarding edit 1.75, the use of ‘may’ and ‘still’ actually dilutes the strength of your lines. I believe it reads better, thusly:
Cold winds blow through these golden years,
and quench the flames of love.
The heart freezes into icy glass,
but cheerful is your hearth.
Thick mists blind the wide-eyed soul,
from roads unsullied by doubt.
The cloudless skies dim their lights,
but brilliant is your hearth.
See what you think. Good luck with your edit./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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(05-28-2014, 08:12 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote: [quote='RiverNotch' pid='165773' dateline='1401116487']
Edit 1.75 (An unfinished edit taking to account others' suggestions. This condenses some of the ideas, and tries to add a greater sense of depth to the subject)
[spoiler]
Cold winds may blow through these golden years,
and quench the flames of love.
The heart may freeze into icy glass,
but cheerful still is your hearth.
Thick mists may blind the wide-eyed soul,
from roads unsullied by doubt.
The cloudless skies may dim their lights,
but brilliant still is your hearth.
RiverNotch, Regarding edit 1.75, the use of ‘may’ and ‘still’ actually dilutes the strength of your lines. I believe it reads better, thusly:
Cold winds blow through these golden years,
and quench the flames of love.
The heart freezes into icy glass,
but cheerful is your hearth.
Thick mists blind the wide-eyed soul,
from roads unsullied by doubt.
The cloudless skies dim their lights,
but brilliant is your hearth.
See what you think. Good luck with your edit./Chris
I suggest fixing the refrain which seems to contain a linguistic inversion. But your hearth is cheerful would work better in my opinion.
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Right now I'm looking at version 1.75; I've glanced at the previous iterations but don't have a whole lot to say that hasn't already been covered by other posters.
I wonder about the relationship in this poem, the one between the speaker and the person being addressed. Is that a relationship we should be able to name: mother, lover, friend? Or is it the feeling of the relationship that's the most important, the one of timelessness, of welcoming through the gloom?
I'm also wondering about how impersonal some of the images and metaphors in the poem feel -- maybe not impersonal, but disconnected from either particular person in the poem. It seems to me like "these golden years", "the flames of love", "the heart", "the wide-eyed soul" could all belong either to the speaker, the person being addressed, or both. Did you intent for these images/metaphors to do double duty, to potentially describe both people? Or should they be more connected to one or the other? Actually, I have another question: when I first read the poem I figured these things - flames of love, heart, etc. - had to belong to the speaker or the addressed, but now I'm wondering if these are meant to be general, humanity-wide descriptions. Is "your hearth" supposed to be cheerful and welcoming to everybody, or just to the speaker, who has a special connection with it?
I'm asking because I think the current effect is interesting, but a little bit distancing. And because I'm wondering if I'm reading the poem wrong, and if other readers might get confused by this distance.
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(05-29-2014, 01:07 AM)Brownlie Wrote: (05-28-2014, 08:12 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote: [quote='RiverNotch' pid='165773' dateline='1401116487']
Edit 1.75 (An unfinished edit taking to account others' suggestions. This condenses some of the ideas, and tries to add a greater sense of depth to the subject)
[spoiler]
Cold winds may blow through these golden years,
and quench the flames of love.
The heart may freeze into icy glass,
but cheerful still is your hearth.
Thick mists may blind the wide-eyed soul,
from roads unsullied by doubt.
The cloudless skies may dim their lights,
but brilliant still is your hearth.
RiverNotch, Regarding edit 1.75, the use of ‘may’ and ‘still’ actually dilutes the strength of your lines. I believe it reads better, thusly:
Cold winds blow through these golden years,
and quench the flames of love.
The heart freezes into icy glass,
but cheerful is your hearth.
Thick mists blind the wide-eyed soul,
from roads unsullied by doubt.
The cloudless skies dim their lights,
but brilliant is your hearth.
See what you think. Good luck with your edit./Chris
I suggest fixing the refrain which seems to contain a linguistic inversion. But your hearth is cheerful would work better in my opinion.
I agree that using both "still" and "may" did dilute the lines' power, although removing both of them altogether seems to remove a sense of constancy to the poem. Perhaps removing "may" but leaving in "still" may work better?
I dunno about fixing the refrain, though, as the inversion seems to work for me.
"I wonder about the relationship in this poem, the one between the speaker and the person being addressed. Is that a relationship we should be able to name: mother, lover, friend? Or is it the feeling of the relationship that's the most important, the one of timelessness, of welcoming through the gloom?
I'm also wondering about how impersonal some of the images and metaphors in the poem feel -- maybe not impersonal, but disconnected from either particular person in the poem. It seems to me like "these golden years", "the flames of love", "the heart", "the wide-eyed soul" could all belong either to the speaker, the person being addressed, or both. Did you intent for these images/metaphors to do double duty, to potentially describe both people? Or should they be more connected to one or the other? Actually, I have another question: when I first read the poem I figured these things - flames of love, heart, etc. - had to belong to the speaker or the addressed, but now I'm wondering if these are meant to be general, humanity-wide descriptions. Is "your hearth" supposed to be cheerful and welcoming to everybody, or just to the speaker, who has a special connection with it?
I'm asking because I think the current effect is interesting, but a little bit distancing. And because I'm wondering if I'm reading the poem wrong, and if other readers might get confused by this distance. "
Not a relationship that's supposed to be name-able, though it was inspired by one; so yes, it's the feeling that's most important; to the whole second paragraph, I've no need nor any plans comment; point is you're reading the poem as something like "I'm lost, but you're there, so blah", so even if you can't really get into the specifics, at least you're already getting it enough: the distancing effect in this case ain't, to me, a-seeming to deal damage to the audience.
Anyway, I'm not sure if I'll be able to move on to edit 2.0 anytime soon; my computer broke in the damned summer's heat, and now I'm forced to borrow or rent others' machines, which robs me of precious time. I'll try, though.
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