A Spoon

[Hog Butcher]

Hello, this is the first poem I'm posting here. I'm not fragile, so have at it. I've been working on it for the past two nights.

A Spoon

A hand grabs a spoon from the drawer—an act so inconspicuous the brain commands it without notice.

Two eyes busy their vision elsewhere. The hand knows well enough the what-to-do and the where-to-go of it: Two falls ago a map was committed to memory and burned with the leaves.

It is a spoon of considerable heft, unlike the flimsy tools that the hand has come to expect would come from this drawer in particular, which it must be said does maintain a sense of humility about itself, giving only what it was given.

The brain awakens to its experience, the fingers probe at lines engraved in the handle, the eyes come along to see what is in the hand.

And the signals connect, synapses spark in the brain—This spoon belongs to E____.

E____, you left this spoon in the sink one night. You left it, forgetting it then and forgetting it ever since. You left it, as a non-thing, unworthy of awareness or reflection. You left it, nihilated by your apathy.

Yet, the brain can no longer unfix itself. Not a spoon, E____’s spoon— . . . the elucidation of meaning.

A phone lights up and dances ecstatic off the edge of the coffee table.

[rowens]

unlike the flimsy tools that the hand has come to expect would come from this drawer in particular

The brain awakens to its experience

Those are the most awkward lines. But you can leave them that way if you think it adds something to the story.

The phone in the last line is the only thing that's alive. Maybe that's the point.

[Hog Butcher]

unlike the flimsy tools that the hand has come to expect would come from this drawer in particular

The brain awakens to its experience

Those are the most awkward lines. But you can leave them that way if you think it adds something to the story.

The first. It was intentional, but I've been second guessing it. Perhaps it is too clumsy. The second, I'll work on it. Any suggestions?

The phone in the last line is the only thing that's alive. Maybe that's the point.

That's a valid interpretation.

[rowens]

The "in particular" goes a little bit further than your other lines. It doesn't fit as much.

[Brownlie]

Hello, this is the first poem I'm posting here. I'm not fragile, so have at it. I've been working on it for the past two nights.

You seem to have left some pretty good comments so I hope you stick around.

A Spoon


A hand grabs a spoon from the drawer—an act so inconspicuous the brain commands it without notice. -- There is some redundancy here with the term inconspicuous and the idea of being commanded by the brain "without notice." You might want to consider playing with the word hand as well. Though it seems like your highlighting a dislocated aspect in of the body's parts a term that more indirectly alludes to the hand with a specific detail might work better. I think the phrase for what I'm talking about is metonym or something.


Two eyes busy their vision elsewhere. The hand knows well enough the what-to-do and the where-to-go of it: Two falls ago a map was committed to memory and burned with the leaves. -- You may also want to consider changing eyes as well. The hand doesn't know the brain sends signals based on imprints or something. You may also want to play with falls.

It is a spoon of considerable heft, unlike the flimsy tools that the hand has come to expect would come from this drawer in particular, which it must be said does maintain a sense of humility about itself, giving only what it was given. -- A lot of more abstract words that you may want to make more specific. Tools refers to a whole category of items that could be related in a more specific way to recount the speakers experience.

The brain awakens to its experience, the fingers probe at lines engraved in the handle, the eyes come along to see what is in the hand. --There is a lot of explaining of the concept, "The brain awakens to its experience." Can this be related without explicitly stating it?

And the signals connect, synapses spark in the brain—This spoon belongs to E____. -- More redundancy, I don't think you necessarily need "the signals connect and the synapses spark"

E____, you left this spoon in the sink one night. You left it, forgetting it then and forgetting it ever since. You left it, as a non-thing, unworthy of awareness or reflection. You left it, nihilated by your apathy. --Quotation marks?

Yet, the brain can no longer unfix itself. Not a spoon, E____’s spoon— . . . the elucidation of meaning.

A phone lights up and dances ecstatic off the edge of the coffee table.-- You may want to remove the word ecstatic.

I believe you have a cool concept here and a pretty good poem that you may want to tinker with. It seems that the themes of identity and memory would be made more powerful by making the poem more subtle and also making the experience more specific. Just my two cents. Hope that helps.

[RSaba]

A really neat theme for a poem... some cool lines to think about. I like how you're objectively describing parts of a body and not a whole person.

A few comments:

---Just wondering if you'd consider formatting it in more of a poem style- splitting up some lines, etc. It reads like prose. Nothing wrong with that, just a suggestion.

---Huge fan of the last line, it leaves the reader hanging.

---There are a few lines that employ some rather large, un-poetic words that tripped me up. Your writing is very visual, so when I came across the line "nihilated by your apathy," for example, it seemed out of place because it was not a visual concept, and I had to pause and struggle to figure out exactly what you meant by that.

Hope those notes help. Welcome

[Todd]

Hi Hog Butcher, welcome to the site! I like the disassociated nature of the piece. Here are some comments for you.

A Spoon

A hand grabs a spoon from the drawer—an act so inconspicuous the brain commands it without notice. --There is a part of me that wants the halting disassociation with minimal internal commentary. I may suggest some broad cuts but they are only suggestions weigh them as you like. For this line, I'd consider cutting everything after the dash. I hate modifiers but if there were a way to convey absently after hand it may help. As it stands though, I'd end the line with drawer.

Two eyes busy their vision elsewhere. The hand knows well enough the what-to-do and the where-to-go of it: Two falls ago a map was committed to memory and burned with the leaves. --I like this section. I would consider cutting the opening sentence. No other cuts. I'd stay with the hand.

It is a spoon of considerable heft, unlike the flimsy tools that the hand has come to expect would come from this drawer in particular, which it must be said does maintain a sense of humility about itself, giving only what it was given.--This can be pared down. You could cut "would come". I would also be tempted to put a strophe break after drawer. I think you could also cut "it must be said does" and just make maintain "maintains"

The brain awakens to its experience, the fingers probe at lines engraved in the handle, the eyes come along to see what is in the hand. --Maybe, The brain awakens "as the fingers..." Possibly also "the eyes now see what..."

And the signals connect, synapses spark in the brain—This spoon belongs to E____.

E____, you left this spoon in the sink one night. You left it, forgetting it then and forgetting it ever since. You left it, as a non-thing, unworthy of awareness or reflection. You left it, nihilated by your apathy.--This spoon is a symbol for the speaker. I like this section

Yet, the brain can no longer unfix itself. Not a spoon, E____’s spoon— . . . the elucidation of meaning.

A phone lights up and dances ecstatic off the edge of the coffee table.--awesome personification and word choice. It makes us anticipate what is about to happen.

Just some thoughts. I know some of the cut suggestions are extreme.

Best,

Todd

[Isis]

It looks like you've gotten some good comments already on this poem, but I'll try to be useful. I'm thinking mostly in terms of interpretation, since getting a reader's reaction often helps me hone a poem. I hope this is an appropriate level of critique for this forum - mods, if not, please message me and I'll edit the post to bring it up to snuff.


I think the prose-poem format goes along well with other aspects of the writing style. The dissociated narrative makes it seem at first like this is going to be a straightforward discussion of something, perhaps how signals make it from the brain to the hand, but then the poem defies expectation a little bit.

I'm interested in the little glimpses we get of the speaker/narrator, dissociated from their own body it seems. I wonder if that's tied to the way this poem is "told" to us. These glimpses appear in different parts of the poem and initially seem disparate, but after reading the poem I feel like they're actually connected. I'm talking about the parts quoted below:

Two falls ago a map was committed to memory and burned with the leaves.

E____, you left this spoon in the sink one night. You left it, forgetting it then and forgetting it ever since.

A phone lights up and dances ecstatic off the edge of the coffee table.

The first two parts I've quoted speak to some kind of loss. The last, to possibility: who is calling? Is it E___? Or someone else?

The hand belongs to someone who has fallen, perhaps keeps falling - one kind of loss. I keep going back and forth between "burned with the leaves" as narrative or metaphor, and I think in this poem it can be read as both. This is actually the part of the poem that I keep coming back to the most. It hints at something outside of the poem: is it a knowledge we should have? Does this poem fit into some larger piece?

I think the main thread that I see weaving through these fragments is the hint of a world outside, odd in a poem that is so internal even though it is dissociated, about the body even though it is not told from within the body. I feel like the poem gives me just enough to crave more, to want to know more about the speaker/main figure in the poem.

I feel like one of the goals of the poem is to transcribe experience directly, thus the focus on the hand, the inconspicuous action, the feeling of the spoon. At least, that's the impression that I get from the first three paragraphs/segments of the poem. But like other commenters I find the bolded part of this sentence divorced from experience, a little bit "executive summary":

The brain awakens to its experience, the fingers probe at lines engraved in the handle, the eyes come along to see what is in the hand.

What if the order of the bold and non bold segments were reversed, so we feel the fingers probing, the eyes coming along to see what is in the hand, and only then the brain awakens? What physically does it feel like for the brain to awaken? Perhaps that is only accessible through metaphor, at least for me, but I wonder what would happen if the same level of detail were applied as to the fingers probing lines in the handle.

I think the last two lines/paragraphs of the poem really work: it feels like the poem comes to a clear ending and sums itself up with "the elucidation of meaning", but then the poem busts open with the phone lighting up and dancing off. Is that a metaphor for meaning: a sudden light, motion, something coming alive? The chance for connection? Is it a call that will bring the speaker out of himself? I think the questioning is good, in this case. I'm not asking these questions because the poem is vague at this point, but because I feel like it wants me to ask questions.

Anyway, I hope this helps with revisions - let me know if you have questions about my critique or want to discuss further.

[kindofahippy]

Hello, this is the first poem I'm posting here. I'm not fragile, so have at it. I've been working on it for the past two nights.

A Spoon

A hand grabs a spoon from the drawer—an act so inconspicuous the brain commands it without notice.

The poem opens with a descending hand, though it seems that it's moving by some alien force without being noticed by the owner, like the owner was never thinking, "gee, i need a spoon". The hyphenation in the middle is merely an out-of-place conjunction where enjambment to a new line could serve equally well. Replacing it with a colon after drawer would lend drama and reduce the length of the line; as mentioned, it reads like prose otherwise, though quality prose.

Two eyes busy their vision elsewhere. The hand knows well enough the what-to-do and the

This is a subjective matter and determined by personal preference, but many writers have found that poetry is the art of taking a subject and stripping it down to what needs to be said, with just a little splash of color. Many of the poems i've read that are regarded as classics are bare bones, while this is more like a plate of ribs. It does not need to be said that both eyes look somewhere else, though one eye looking away would be fascinating.

where-to-go of it: Two falls ago a map was committed to memory and burned with the leaves.

Knowing what to do is all that has to be said; "where-to-go" is redundant and doesn't add anything, except perhaps a desire on the reader's part to glance over this section, and miss the beauty of the metaphor in the last part. The metaphor does falter, though. Saying the map was commited and then burned lends this goofy idea of drawing a map on paper of how to find the spoon in the silverware drawer, commiting it to memory, and then burning it in a leaf pile. That could be a neat reading, but if it's not intended, perhaps it would be better to say that a "mental map was burned with the leaves two falls ago".

It is a spoon of considerable heft, unlike the flimsy tools that the hand has come to expect would come from this drawer in particular, which it must be said does maintain a sense of humility about itself, giving only what it was given.

I agree with the above, this first sentence is too verbose. "considerable" is an abstraction that can mean anything, and it muddles the image of a good quality spoon that's in with cheap ones. "tools" is an abstraction better served by the narrower "utensils" or "silverware". "In particular" simply doesn't have to be said; it's inferred from the previous.

I'd like to see a new line with the new idea of a humble drawer. Perhaps, "It must be said, the drawer was quite humble; he gave only what was given". Further, this is stinginess, and not humility.

The brain awakens to its experience, the fingers probe at lines engraved in the handle, the eyes come along to see what is in the hand.

This line is a fine example of being descriptive without being verbose or repetitive. It gives a passing respect to the neural and sensory experience of grabbing something strange.

And the signals connect, synapses spark in the brain—This spoon belongs to E____.

The dash is better served by a colon. "and" may be lowercase here. Is E_____ supposed to represent an almost-forgotten name, and is the burned map supposed to represent failing memory? If so, it is understandable, but if it's just to censor a name, then using a replacement common name would work fine without forcing the reader away from the story to think about that.

E____, you left this spoon in the sink one night. You left it, forgetting it then and forgetting it ever since. You left it, as a non-thing, unworthy of awareness or reflection. You left it, nihilated by your apathy.

That's a dramatic way to tell someone to put the damn spoon in the dishwasher. The abstraction of this line serves as an end to the poem, since it breaks up the imagery and replaces it with the novel thought of how ordinary things, like placing a spoon in the sink, don't get reflection but instead get treated to apathy. It is the dulling effect of the vagaries of diurnal routine.

Yet, the brain can no longer unfix itself. Not a spoon, E____’s spoon— . . . the elucidation of meaning.

A phone lights up and dances ecstatic off the edge of the coffee table.

The hyphen doesn't work here, and the elipsis by itself is fine. The last part needs to be inverted. Reading it sounds like E's spoon is the elucidation of all meaning, where in truth the fact that it is E's spoon, of all people, makes the meaning of the spoon elucidated.

I love the last line for its ambiguity. I like to think it could refer to an ex whom the spoon belonged to, though it can have plenty of other meanings. A great cliff-hanger.

As for meter, it is blank-verse, and most of the lines are iambic with the occasional spondee. I enjoyed your poem overall, and I would like to read more poetry like this. I believe it is the surrealist genre, finding meaning in the simple.

[Hog Butcher]

Hello all, sorry for the delay. I've been living my life for the past week or so, still writing but unable to workshop. I'm happy to address the issues many of you had with my work. It is indeed in need of editing.

First, RSaba's suggestion that I'd "consider formatting it in more of a poem style- splitting up some lines, etc."

I've thought about that considerably, though the style of this poem was heavily influenced by the works of Whitman and Ginsberg, who didn't shy away from long, flowing lines of verse. It was originally written as prose-poetry.

I can say, however, that I enjoyed the style much more upon writing it than I do reading it. And I think the poem is in need of editing because of that fact.

As for the other critiques, they were helpful, but I feel that writing a new draft is the best response to them. This, I hope, is not seen as an insult. It's just rather useless to say "I understand" or "I respectfully disagree."

That being said, in this poem I did try to present a subject that was, literally, no more than the sum of his parts. A brain, some hands, a pair of eyes, and nothing more. Such a portrait frightens me, and I like it. There were some experiments in the poem which I feel did not work. I'll do my best to come up with another draft and repost it.