Old Love (edit #1)

[LorettaYoung]

(Inspired by Under the Porchlight and Young Folks in Love.)

Edit #1

They count each other's faded scars.
They swallow their losses and repack
the luggage for easier balance.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
the "Glad you're home" grin,
the butt pat and shoulder touch.
Hot kisses heat the winter, their kindling
the knowledge of grace and luck.


Their fingers memorize the growing
lines that brought them there, willing
to accept the value and burden
of all deals made. Tickled by relief
of company, acknowledging sadness
that is as sure to come as endings,
they giggle and dance the two-step.


Original

Counting faded scars,
having lost big and repacked
the luggage with new balance,
joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder or butt pat,
kisses hot enough to heat the long winter,
the knowledge of grace and luck.

Together fifty years or five,
we trace the lines that brought us here,
accepting the value and burden of the deal.
Tickled by the relief of company,
shelving our knowledge that endings
are sad, we giggle and dance while we can.

---

Hi Marcella: I have been enjoying your poem and reading the comments. I very much like stanza 2, 2nd edit. But stanza i. esp lines 1-3 seem a stifled introduction. I see the makings of a meaningful result. Best, Loretta

[ellajam]

Hi, Loretta, thanks for reading. It's funny, I'm having the same problem with the opening lines of another poem too. I think I need a poetry therapist to figure out why I hear my openings differently than the rest of the world. I'll see what I can do.

Any thoughts on we vs they?

[LorettaYoung]

Marcella; you're in good shape; i'm having trouble with every line. Best, Loretta

[71degrees]

(Inspired by Under the Porchlight and Young Folks in Love.)

Edit #1

They count each other's faded scars.
They swallow their losses and repack
the luggage for easier balance.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
the "Glad you're home" grin,
the butt pat and shoulder touch.
Hot kisses heat the winter, their kindling
the knowledge of grace and luck.


Their fingers memorize the growing
lines that brought them there, willing
to accept the value and burden
of all deals made. Tickled by relief
of company, acknowledging sadness
that is as sure to come as endings,
they giggle and dance the two-step.


Original

Counting faded scars,
having lost big and repacked
the luggage with new balance,
joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder or butt pat,
kisses hot enough to heat the long winter,
the knowledge of grace and luck.

Together fifty years or five,
we trace the lines that brought us here,
accepting the value and burden of the deal.
Tickled by the relief of company,
shelving our knowledge that endings
are sad, we giggle and dance while we can.

Really like the move from first person POV to Third. Makes all the difference. Makes the invitation into the poem more appealing for the reader. Second "They" needed? Maybe, maybe not? There are FOUR pronouns in the first two lines. Also like the personal touches (e.g. butt pat, etc.) added, as well as the more specific "two step." Love your tenacity for rewriting / editing.

[ellajam]

(Inspired by Under the Porchlight and Young Folks in Love.)

Edit #1
They count each other's faded scars.
They swallow their losses and repack
the luggage for easier balance.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
the "Glad you're home" grin,
the butt pat and shoulder touch.
Hot kisses heat the winter, their kindling
the knowledge of grace and luck.


Their fingers memorize the growing
lines that brought them there, willing
to accept the value and burden
of all deals made. Tickled by relief
of company, acknowledging sadness
that is as sure to come as endings,
they giggle and dance the two-step.


Original

Counting faded scars,
having lost big and repacked
the luggage with new balance,
joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder or butt pat,
kisses hot enough to heat the long winter,
the knowledge of grace and luck.

Together fifty years or five,
we trace the lines that brought us here,
accepting the value and burden of the deal.
Tickled by the relief of company,
shelving our knowledge that endings
are sad, we giggle and dance while we can.

Really like the move from first person POV to Third. Makes all the difference. Makes the invitation into the poem more appealing for the reader. Second "They" needed? Maybe, maybe not? There are FOUR pronouns in the first two lines. Also like the personal touches (e.g. butt pat, etc.) added, as well as the more specific "two step." Love your tenacity for rewriting / editing.

"There are FOUR pronouns in the first two lines." Yikes and thank you. I'll fix those first lines, maybe with a hatchet.

I appreciate you coming back for another read, especially voicing your opinion on the changes, that's a big help.

[LorettaYoung]

(Inspired by Under the Porchlight and Young Folks in Love.)

Edit #1
They count each other's faded scars.
They swallow their losses and repack
the luggage for easier balance.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
the "Glad you're home" grin,
the butt pat and shoulder touch.
Hot kisses heat the winter, their kindling
the knowledge of grace and luck.


Their fingers memorize the growing
lines that brought them there, willing
to accept the value and burden
of all deals made. Tickled by relief
of company, acknowledging sadness
that is as sure to come as endings,
they giggle and dance the two-step.


Original

Counting faded scars,
having lost big and repacked
the luggage with new balance,
joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder or butt pat,
kisses hot enough to heat the long winter,
the knowledge of grace and luck.

Together fifty years or five,
we trace the lines that brought us here,
accepting the value and burden of the deal.
Tickled by the relief of company,
shelving our knowledge that endings
are sad, we giggle and dance while we can.

Really like the move from first person POV to Third. Makes all the difference. Makes the invitation into the poem more appealing for the reader. Second "They" needed? Maybe, maybe not? There are FOUR pronouns in the first two lines. Also like the personal touches (e.g. butt pat, etc.) added, as well as the more specific "two step." Love your tenacity for rewriting / editing.

"There are FOUR pronouns in the first two lines." Yikes and thank you. I'll fix those first lines, maybe with a hatchet.

I appreciate you coming back for another read, especially voicing your opinion on the changes, that's a big help.

---

Hi ellajam: I think the first two lines are better; but line 3, using the word luggage seems unnecessary since you have already said repack. I love the rest. Best, Loretta