Love, Emma edit 0.00001 hog et al

[tectak]

It's three months now, since last we talked. I thought we listened, too.
Your neon words, stark in the dark, bright with intent,
mean so little now; now that you’ve put out the light.
The kids are sleeping. You should look at them, they’re yours as well as mine.
More yours, really, if only because they loved you in between
and I’m too tired to love like that. Why are you never tired?

I sleep;
alone.
You never wake.
You never sob;
you never needed to.

You work. You say you do it all for us, but we both know the truth;
there is a lie somewhere in there. The boys just never left town
so you joined their club; The Guys Who Work and do it all for…
no, who believes that anymore? I’m not alone, I just don’t want
to call the other girls who Have It All Done for them. I guess I’m scared.
Maybe it’s just me. “They only sit around and drink til’ two”, they’ll say.
“We just go to bed. You should too. Men are like that. All talk”

I wish.
Not you.
You never say.
You never lie;
you never needed to.

I cry. I told the kids it’s just the way that mommies wash their cares away.
That’s my lie, it worked for them, but it doesn’t work for me.
Not any more, not since yesterday; so I can’t do this anymore.
That’s what I want to tell you. That’s why when you come home
and read this note, you will forgive me for being what you made me.
You will stumble about and break things; you will fall to your knees
and wail like men do. Don’t worry. You won’t wake the kids.

Love,
Emma

[Todd]

Well Tom, I'll take a stab at this.

When I think about your title it makes me think that there's still a sad level of residual love in the relationship. If you don't want to convey that maybe "Since Yesterday" would be a possible change.

It's three months now, since last we talked. I thought we listened, too.--I hate qualifiers but is it "really talked" or have they really not spoken in 3 months. The way you have it suggests trial separation Though that isn't what's going on here. Probably just me. Not a criticism just an observation
Your neon words, stark in the dark, bright with intent,--stark in the dark seems a little too cutesy with the internal rhyme to work with the content for me. I like the idea of neon words though because for two people that haven't connected in months (probably years really the few words they remember take on more significance. Maybe you could play with the afterimage quality of neon
mean so little now; now that you’ve put out my lights.
The kids are sleeping. You should look at them, they’re yours as well as mine.--The you should look at them phrase is strong it suggests a "Cat's in the Cradle" sort of absentee relationship. I wonder by the final phrase and I'm reading in a bit if the husband felt trapped by the kids or there was some question of paternity at some point. I doubt that's the implication but its where my mind goes. I'm engaged in the narrative. Here's where the note format doesn't give us the interplay of body language or gesture to provide clues--not that its necessary
More yours, really, if only because they loved you in between--I'm not sure about the "in between" working. I'd be tempted to break on you
and I’m too tired to love like that. Why are you never tired?--strong characterization. I like the line and the question

I sleep;
alone.
You never wake.
You never sob.
You never needed to.--I like this break in the line length. This is the desperate aside. I might want an additional line break after sob to give the writer the time to have a realization.

You work. You say you do it all for us, but we both know the truth;
there is a lie somewhere in there. The boys just never left town--The somewhere in there really sells this for me. Like she's saying this sounds good, but I'm too tired to untangle it all.
and so you joined their club. The guys who work and do it all…
no, who believes that anymore? I’m not alone, I just don’t want
to call the other girls who have it all done for them. I guess I’m scared.--This entire sequence comes across very genuine. Great observations
Maybe it’s just me. “They only sit around and drink til’ two”, they’ll say.
“We just go to bed. You should too. Men are like that. All talk”--And here is the other lie. Since yesterday being foreshadowed. What makes this so perfect is men are all talk and he hasn't spoken to her really in three months. So even giving away his talk is a form of emotional adultery. This is my favorite part in the poem just for how you've developed it so far

I wish.
Not you.
You never say.--exactly
You never lie;
You never needed to.

I cry. I told the kids it’s just the way that mommies wash their cares away.--Mommies is a good addition because it sets the age range of the kids
That’s my lie, it worked for them, but it doesn’t work for me.--all lies work for the children because they desperately want the lie
Not any more, not since yesterday; so I can’t do this anymore.
That’s what I want to tell you. That’s why when you come home--The talk has been initiated by the other side
and read this note, you will forgive me for being what you made me.--Awesome line
You will stumble about and break things; you will fall to your knees
and wail like men do. Don’t worry. You won’t wake the kids.--won't wake them from their view of their parents either.

Love,
Emma

Enjoyed the read Tom. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

Well Tom, I'll take a stab at this.

When I think about your title it makes me think that there's still a sad level of residual love in the relationship. If you don't want to convey that maybe "Since Yesterday" would be a possible change.

It's three months now, since last we talked. I thought we listened, too.--I hate qualifiers but is it "really talked" or have they really not spoken in 3 months. The way you have it suggests trial separation Though that isn't what's going on here. Probably just me. Not a criticism just an observation
Your neon words, stark in the dark, bright with intent,--stark in the dark seems a little too cutesy with the internal rhyme to work with the content for me. I like the idea of neon words though because for two people that haven't connected in months (probably years really the few words they remember take on more significance. Maybe you could play with the afterimage quality of neon
mean so little now; now that you’ve put out my lights.
The kids are sleeping. You should look at them, they’re yours as well as mine.--The you should look at them phrase is strong it suggests a "Cat's in the Cradle" sort of absentee relationship. I wonder by the final phrase and I'm reading in a bit if the husband felt trapped by the kids or there was some question of paternity at some point. I doubt that's the implication but its where my mind goes. I'm engaged in the narrative. Here's where the note format doesn't give us the interplay of body language or gesture to provide clues--not that its necessary
More yours, really, if only because they loved you in between--I'm not sure about the "in between" working. I'd be tempted to break on you
and I’m too tired to love like that. Why are you never tired?--strong characterization. I like the line and the question

I sleep;
alone.
You never wake.
You never sob;
you never needed to.--I like this break in the line length. This is the desperate aside. I might want an additional line break after sob to give the writer the time to have a realization.

You work. You say you do it all for us, but we both know the truth;
there is a lie somewhere in there. The boys just never left town--The somewhere in there really sells this for me. Like she's saying this sounds good, but I'm too tired to untangle it all.
and so you joined their club. The guys who work and do it all…
no, who believes that anymore? I’m not alone, I just don’t want
to call the other girls who have it all done for them. I guess I’m scared.--This entire sequence comes across very genuine. Great observations
Maybe it’s just me. “They only sit around and drink til’ two”, they’ll say.
“We just go to bed. You should too. Men are like that. All talk”--And here is the other lie. Since yesterday being foreshadowed. What makes this so perfect is men are all talk and he hasn't spoken to her really in three months. So even giving away his talk is a form of emotional adultery. This is my favorite part in the poem just for how you've developed it so far

I wish.
Not you.
You never say.--exactly
You never lie;
you never needed to.

I cry. I told the kids it’s just the way that mommies wash their cares away.--Mommies is a good addition because it sets the age range of the kids
That’s my lie, it worked for them, but it doesn’t work for me.--all lies work for the children because they desperately want the lie
Not any more, not since yesterday; so I can’t do this anymore.
That’s what I want to tell you. That’s why when you come home--The talk has been initiated by the other side
and read this note, you will forgive me for being what you made me.--Awesome line
You will stumble about and break things; you will fall to your knees
and wail like men do. Don’t worry. You won’t wake the kids.--won't wake them from their view of their parents either.

Love,
Emma

Enjoyed the read Tom. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for thisTodd. Some bits I will incorporate immediately but I just want you to consider this before I make big changes...there is a reason why the kids won't wake up...since yesterday.
Best,
Tom
Dah dudud daaaaah!(dramatic chord sequence)

[ChristopherSea]

Well Tom, I'll take a stab at this.

When I think about your title it makes me think that there's still a sad level of residual love in the relationship. If you don't want to convey that maybe "Since Yesterday" would be a possible change.

It's three months now, since last we talked. I thought we listened, too.--I hate qualifiers but is it "really talked" or have they really not spoken in 3 months. The way you have it suggests trial separation Though that isn't what's going on here. Probably just me. Not a criticism just an observation
Your neon words, stark in the dark, bright with intent,--stark in the dark seems a little too cutesy with the internal rhyme to work with the content for me. I like the idea of neon words though because for two people that haven't connected in months (probably years really the few words they remember take on more significance. Maybe you could play with the afterimage quality of neon
mean so little now; now that you’ve put out my lights.
The kids are sleeping. You should look at them, they’re yours as well as mine.--The you should look at them phrase is strong it suggests a "Cat's in the Cradle" sort of absentee relationship. I wonder by the final phrase and I'm reading in a bit if the husband felt trapped by the kids or there was some question of paternity at some point. I doubt that's the implication but its where my mind goes. I'm engaged in the narrative. Here's where the note format doesn't give us the interplay of body language or gesture to provide clues--not that its necessary
More yours, really, if only because they loved you in between--I'm not sure about the "in between" working. I'd be tempted to break on you
and I’m too tired to love like that. Why are you never tired?--strong characterization. I like the line and the question

I sleep;
alone.
You never wake.
You never sob.
You never needed to.--I like this break in the line length. This is the desperate aside. I might want an additional line break after sob to give the writer the time to have a realization.

You work. You say you do it all for us, but we both know the truth;
there is a lie somewhere in there. The boys just never left town--The somewhere in there really sells this for me. Like she's saying this sounds good, but I'm too tired to untangle it all.
and so you joined their club. The guys who work and do it all…
no, who believes that anymore? I’m not alone, I just don’t want
to call the other girls who have it all done for them. I guess I’m scared.--This entire sequence comes across very genuine. Great observations
Maybe it’s just me. “They only sit around and drink til’ two”, they’ll say.
“We just go to bed. You should too. Men are like that. All talk”--And here is the other lie. Since yesterday being foreshadowed. What makes this so perfect is men are all talk and he hasn't spoken to her really in three months. So even giving away his talk is a form of emotional adultery. This is my favorite part in the poem just for how you've developed it so far

I wish.
Not you.
You never say.--exactly
You never lie;
You never needed to.

I cry. I told the kids it’s just the way that mommies wash their cares away.--Mommies is a good addition because it sets the age range of the kids
That’s my lie, it worked for them, but it doesn’t work for me.--all lies work for the children because they desperately want the lie
Not any more, not since yesterday; so I can’t do this anymore.
That’s what I want to tell you. That’s why when you come home--The talk has been initiated by the other side
and read this note, you will forgive me for being what you made me.--Awesome line
You will stumble about and break things; you will fall to your knees
and wail like men do. Don’t worry. You won’t wake the kids.--won't wake them from their view of their parents either.

Love,
Emma

Enjoyed the read Tom. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for thisTodd. Some bits I will incorporate immediately but I just want you to consider this before I make big changes...there is a reason why the kids won't wake up...since yesterday.
Best,
Tom
Dah dudud daaaaah!(dramatic chord sequence)

You son of sea cook! I thought this was a very bizarre note with some real peculiar references to the children, i.e. not being able to love them in between, washing away cares, the wailing and not being able to wake the kids. You have made this she-devil drown the poor innocents, didn't you?

[Todd]

I will accept your dramatic note which I missed. I realize can't might be too heavy handed and I acknowledge the subtlety of won't.

---

It makes Since Yesterday even a better title though.

Love, Emma still has some irony too it though

Or if we count crazy...it's actually a bit scary.

[ChristopherSea]

I will accept your dramatic note which I missed. I realize can't might be too heavy handed and I acknowledge the subtlety of won't.

---

It makes Since Yesterday even a better title though.

Love, Emma still has some irony too it though

Or if we count crazy...it's actually a bit scary.

It's terrifying!

[tectak]

I will accept your dramatic note which I missed. I realize can't might be too heavy handed and I acknowledge the subtlety of won't.

---

It makes Since Yesterday even a better title though.

Love, Emma still has some irony too it though

Or if we count crazy...it's actually a bit scary.

It's terrifying!

Yep...don'tcha just love it?
Best,
tectak

---

Well Tom, I'll take a stab at this.

When I think about your title it makes me think that there's still a sad level of residual love in the relationship. If you don't want to convey that maybe "Since Yesterday" would be a possible change.


Enjoyed the read Tom. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for thisTodd. Some bits I will incorporate immediately but I just want you to consider this before I make big changes...there is a reason why the kids won't wake up...since yesterday.
Best,
Tom
Dah dudud daaaaah!(dramatic chord sequence)

You son of sea cook! I thought this was a very bizarre note with some real peculiar references to the children, i.e. not being able to love them in between, washing away cares, the wailing and not being able to wake the kids. You have made this she-devil drown the poor innocents, didn't you?

As billy would say...he he.

[ChristopherSea]

I will accept your dramatic note which I missed. I realize can't might be too heavy handed and I acknowledge the subtlety of won't.

---

It makes Since Yesterday even a better title though.

Love, Emma still has some irony too it though

Or if we count crazy...it's actually a bit scary.

It's terrifying!

Yep...don'tcha just love it?
Best,
tectak

---

Thanks for thisTodd. Some bits I will incorporate immediately but I just want you to consider this before I make big changes...there is a reason why the kids won't wake up...since yesterday.
Best,
Tom
Dah dudud daaaaah!(dramatic chord sequence)

You son of sea cook! I thought this was a very bizarre note with some real peculiar references to the children, i.e. not being able to love them in between, washing away cares, the wailing and not being able to wake the kids. You have made this she-devil drown the poor innocents, didn't you?

As billy would say...he he.

Actually, I love it now. I like your Hitchcockian treatment in the aspect of the slow build of suspense as well.

[Hog Butcher]

It's three months now, since last we talked. I thought we listened, too.
Your neon words, stark in the dark, bright with intent, *
mean so little now; now that you’ve put out the light.
The kids are sleeping. You should look at them, they’re yours as well as mine.
More yours, really, if only because they loved you in between
and I’m too tired to love like that. Why are you never tired?

• This line doesn't make too much sense. Neon and stark (as it is here used) seem to contradict each other, even though I know you mean "in stark contrast to the dark," it comes off as his words are bare in appearance. That's the opposite of neon. What I'd do: "Your neon words, in stark contrast to the dark surrounds, bright with intent." or something like that. It's not quite right but it's better.
  

I sleep;
alone.
You never wake.
You never sob.
You never needed to.

You don't need a semicolon in the first line.

You work. You say you do it all for us, but we both know the truth;
there is a lie somewhere in there. The boys just never left town
and* so you joined their club; The Guys Who Work and do it all for…
no, who believes that anymore? I’m not alone, I just don’t want
to call the other girls who Have It All Done for them. I guess I’m scared.
Maybe it’s just me. “They only sit around and drink til’ two”, they’ll say.
“We just go to bed. You should too. Men are like that. All talk”

Not sure what you're getting at here.

• You can just remove "and."
  

I wish.
Not you.
You never say.
You never lie;
You never needed to.

I thought you suspected he lied?

I cry. I told the kids it’s just the way that mommies wash their cares away.
That’s my lie, it worked for them, but it doesn’t work for me.
Not any more, not since yesterday; so I can’t do this anymore.
That’s what I want to tell you. That’s why when you come home
and read this note, you will forgive me for being what you made me.
You will stumble about and break things; you will fall to your knees
and wail like men do. Don’t worry. You won’t wake the kids.

Love,
Emma

That's alright, but I wouldn't end it with Love, Emma. Doesn't sound genuine after what you said.

[tectak]

It's three months now, since last we talked. I thought we listened, too.
Your neon words, stark in the dark, bright with intent, *
mean so little now; now that you’ve put out the light.
The kids are sleeping. You should look at them, they’re yours as well as mine.
More yours, really, if only because they loved you in between
and I’m too tired to love like that. Why are you never tired?

• This line doesn't make too much sense. Neon and stark (as it is here used) seem to contradict each other, even though I know you mean "in stark contrast to the dark," it comes off as his words are bare in appearance. That's the opposite of neon. What I'd do: "Your neon words, in stark contrast to the dark surrounds, bright with intent." or something like that. It's not quite right but it's better.
  

I sleep;
alone.
You never wake.
You never sob.
You never needed to.

You don't need a semicolon in the first line.

You work. You say you do it all for us, but we both know the truth;
there is a lie somewhere in there. The boys just never left town
and* so you joined their club; The Guys Who Work and do it all for…
no, who believes that anymore? I’m not alone, I just don’t want
to call the other girls who Have It All Done for them. I guess I’m scared.
Maybe it’s just me. “They only sit around and drink til’ two”, they’ll say.
“We just go to bed. You should too. Men are like that. All talk”

Not sure what you're getting at here.

• You can just remove "and."
  

I wish.
Not you.
You never say.
You never lie;
you never needed to.

I thought you suspected he lied?

I cry. I told the kids it’s just the way that mommies wash their cares away.
That’s my lie, it worked for them, but it doesn’t work for me.
Not any more, not since yesterday; so I can’t do this anymore.
That’s what I want to tell you. That’s why when you come home
and read this note, you will forgive me for being what you made me.
You will stumble about and break things; you will fall to your knees
and wail like men do. Don’t worry. You won’t wake the kids.

Love,
Emma

That's alright, but I wouldn't end it with Love, Emma. Doesn't sound genuine after what you said.

Hi Hog,
Thank you for your detailed crit, it is much appreciated.
The "stark" word indicates by implication your definition exactly but I try to avoid writing more words than I need to express an idea....the fact that you got the idea is satisfyingly confirmative that the sentence works. Words in "neon" are invariably thin and minimalist because of the technology and it was that thin but piercing attribute that I am trying to allude to. Perhaps you are right and I shall look again.
The "and" shall be removed. Thanks...good catch.
The "...boys just never left town" is a sideways narrative for veracity....it hangs on " the boys are back in town"...song. So although the boys coming back would be reasonable excuse to go for ONE night out, they just never left so every night is a night out with the boys.
For the other points in this stanza you have to think like a woman
Semicolons. No, I don't "need" a semicolon but I am using it in its other role...to indicate a pensive pause. Structurally, I wish the piece was long enough to repeat this, if only to indicate that it is by intent and not by accident
The "you never lie" line makes me look foolish and I believe you have me there. I wanted to imply that he did not lie because he just didn't talk about things that were troubling "her"...but it has not come off; I can see that. I will try again.
Love, Emma? Well, perhaps deep down somewhere...but she can get away with saying anything after murdering the kids
Again, my thanks,
tectak

[Hog Butcher]

Hi Hog,
Thank you for your detailed crit, it is much appreciated.

No problem.

The "stark" word indicates by implication your definition exactly but I try to avoid writing more words than I need to express an idea....the fact that you got the idea is satisfyingly confirmative that the sentence works. Words in "neon" are invariably thin and minimalist because of the technology and it was that thin but piercing attribute that I am trying to allude to. Perhaps you are right and I shall look again.

Okay, I definitely see how word economy is important to this part of the poem. But, if you're going that route, may I suggest that you do away with the internal rhyme? Others have suggested this, and explained.

"stark in shadows" is one less word and the same amount of syllables. The (sort of) alliteration sounds much better than a rhyme, too.

Semicolons. No, I don't "need" a semicolon but I am using it in its other role...to indicate a pensive pause. Structurally, I wish the piece was long enough to repeat this, if only to indicate that it is by intent and not by accident

If you think it's necessary, by all means. The line break does make the reader give pause. I'm not sure how strong you want that pause to be.

The "you never lie" line makes me look foolish and I believe you have me there. I wanted to imply that he did not lie because he just didn't talk about things that were troubling "her"...but it has not come off; I can see that. I will try again.

Perhaps above that, say

You work. You say you do it all for us, but we both know the truth;
there is a lie somewhere in there--I just can't find it."

That would open the door for doubt.

Love, Emma? Well, perhaps deep down somewhere...but she can get away with saying anything after murdering the kids
Again, my thanks,
tectak

Fair enough. People are ambivalent creatures.