Earth-to-Earth

[71degrees]

My mother burned
when I was eight

I watched her skin dance—
a red-and-orange danse macabre;
ashes-to-ashes now means
everything to me

The thing is—
of distance, age, and time,
which one closed before she expired?

And most nights my pillow smells
of dust-to-dust when I dream
of her shriveling mouth,
and the voice that once sang
me to sleep as a child

[Jinxy]

My mother burned
when I was eight

I watched her skin dance—
a red-and-orange danse macrabre; "i watched her skin dance - a red and orange dance..." even with French spelling it's still not the greatest. That could be one line "her skin, a red and orange danse macabre..."

.....

And most nights my pillow smells
of dust-to-dust when I dream
of her shriveling mouth

This feels very forced to me, you couldn't find where to put the dust so you just sprinkled it in there. A broken-up cliche is still a cliche, although this has potential for effective usage. At the very least I would replace "when" with a semi-colon as it would help the poem maintain a constant rhythm or what have you. All the other stanzas are quick and to the point and then you throw in 5-lines with no stops.

[71degrees]

My mother burned
when I was eight

I watched her skin dance—
a red-and-orange danse macrabre; "i watched her skin dance - a red and orange dance..." even with French spelling it's still not the greatest. That could be one line "her skin, a red and orange danse macabre..."

.....

And most nights my pillow smells
of dust-to-dust when I dream
of her shriveling mouth

This feels very forced to me, you couldn't find where to put the dust so you just sprinkled it in there. A broken-up cliche is still a cliche, although this has potential for effective usage. At the very least I would replace "when" with a semi-colon as it would help the poem maintain a constant rhythm or what have you. All the other stanzas are quick and to the point and then you throw in 5-lines with no stops.

One positive word is better than none. Thanks for the comments, man.

[bbcashdollar]

My mother burned
when I was eight

I watched her skin danse macrabre
red-and-orange
ashes-to-ashes now means
everything

The thing is—
of distance, age, and time,
which one closed before she expired?

And most nights my pillow smells
of her, her shriveling mouth,
the voice that once sang
me to sleep as a child

Very strong imagery. I'm not suggesting language, just playing around with what you had to reduce repetition and increase succinctness. I understand the draw to include dust to dust. Keep working with that to find where it adds to the piece.

[Jinxy]

The "I watched" is redundant if she died years ago.

[71degrees]

My mother burned
when I was eight

I watched her skin danse macrabre
red-and-orange
ashes-to-ashes now means
everything

The thing is—
of distance, age, and time,
which one closed before she expired?

And most nights my pillow smells
of her, her shriveling mouth,
the voice that once sang
me to sleep as a child

Very strong imagery. I'm not suggesting language, just playing around with what you had to reduce repetition and increase succinctness. I understand the draw to include dust to dust. Keep working with that to find where it adds to the piece.

Most of what you suggest here makes sense. I like folks who play around yet remain positive to the message. For personal reasons, "dust" imagery needs to remain. I will take your advice and keep working to find the place. Thanks.

---

The "I watched" is redundant if she died years ago.

Not if I were there at the time. Again, thanks for trying here.

[RSaba]

I'm a fan of this short piece- I think you started it right off the bat with two rather jarring lines. Great imagery. It's hard for me to tell exactly what the 3rd stanza is asking, possibly because it doesn't seem to relate to the piece. But I could be missing something.
These are just the little things that tripped me up. Hope they help.

My mother burned
when I was eight

I watched her skin dance—
a red-and-orange danse macrabre; It's "macabre", although I'm sure that was just a typo. However, if you're going to have a word/phrase that is in a different language, I highly suggest italicizing it. Some might just see it as a mistake, and the italics will make sure the reader knows.
ashes-to-ashes now means
everything to me cool last 2 lines, this theme really ties the piece together- I like the title already, but I would almost prefer "Ashes-to-Ashes."

The thing is—
of distance, age, and time,
which one closed before she expired?

And most nights my pillow smells
of dust-to-dust when I dream
of her shriveling mouth,
and the voice that once sang
me to sleep as a child

Hope those little things help. Great write!

[ChristopherSea]

71d, I really like the deconstruction of the burial committal prayer that you have done in the poem, from earth to earth, as a standalone in the title to the ash to ash and dust to dust elaborations in the body. You visuals are potent. I have never tried to imagine the cremation of my Dad. The French tone poem that you reference is Danse Macabre (sp) and very apropos. I was wondering if you might reconsider ‘dance’ in L3, because of your use of danse in L4. It could be an opportunity to replace a slight redundancy with a specific favorite of hers (waltz, tango, ballet, etc…). Just a thought to consider. Thanks for sharing your poignant piece./Chris

[71degrees]

71d, I really like the deconstruction of the burial committal prayer that you have done in the poem, from earth to earth, as a standalone in the title to the ash to ash and dust to dust elaborations in the body. You visuals are potent. I have never tried to imagine the cremation of my Dad. The French tone poem that you reference is Danse Macabre (sp) and very apropos. I was wondering if you might reconsider ‘dance’ in L3, because of your use of danse in L4. It could be an opportunity to replace a slight redundancy with a specific favorite of hers (waltz, tango, ballet, etc…). Just a thought to consider. Thanks for sharing your poignant piece./Chris

I very nice thought to consider. I was so focused on the second dance, it never occurred to me to consider changing the first dance. Thank you very much. FYI: this isn't cremation of mother, but I can see it's there for you and your own father and I am comfortable with that. Am glad it triggered that emotion in you.

---

I'm a fan of this short piece- I think you started it right off the bat with two rather jarring lines. Great imagery. It's hard for me to tell exactly what the 3rd stanza is asking, possibly because it doesn't seem to relate to the piece. But I could be missing something.
These are just the little things that tripped me up. Hope they help.

My mother burned
when I was eight

I watched her skin dance—
a red-and-orange danse macrabre; It's "macabre", although I'm sure that was just a typo. However, if you're going to have a word/phrase that is in a different language, I highly suggest italicizing it. Some might just see it as a mistake, and the italics will make sure the reader knows.
ashes-to-ashes now means
everything to me cool last 2 lines, this theme really ties the piece together- I like the title already, but I would almost prefer "Ashes-to-Ashes."

The thing is—
of distance, age, and time,
which one closed before she expired?

And most nights my pillow smells
of dust-to-dust when I dream
of her shriveling mouth,
and the voice that once sang
me to sleep as a child

Hope those little things help. Great write!

I like your attention to the details. "Ashes-to-ashes" is a bit cliche to me. I think it's been done. I don't hear "earth-to-earth" as often and it gives me a chance to push the poem forward. I also agree about the 3rd stanza. Needs development or I need to lose it. Your critique is very helpful. Thank you. ps: also did a quick edit on "macabre"