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What is this naked thing?
What is this naked thing,
That cannot walk alone?
Yet when travels hand in hand with me,
Carries mountains on its own.
What is this naked thing,
So small and weak and bold?
Who desires only friendship
Could not care much less for gold.
What is this naked thing,
With neither house nor home,
So proudly walks with man to man,
And around the world does roam.
And seeks a fragile ally,
To lift up off the ground,
And does so swift and easy,
Without great pomp or sound.
It lives in the silence,
And stillness of the air
And lives in friendship undeserved
And in unrequited care.
What is this naked thing,
That loves for loves own sake.
Perhaps it is some kind of god,
Or dreams that walk in wake.
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(05-02-2014, 07:32 AM)billy Wrote: is it penis?
Umm, that was not the intention, no. But now that you've said that, I get where you're coming from. Kind of.
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(05-02-2014, 07:01 AM)Willpark Wrote: What is this naked thing? -- The question mark brings up the lewd riddle aspect that many are alluding to. I suppose that's a sign of our fallen language. If its meant to be lewd I suggest a limerick.
What is this naked thing,
That cannot walk alone?
Yet when travels hand in hand with me,
Carries mountains on its own.
What is this naked thing,
So small and weak and bold? -- With too many ands some may say you're in danger of a litany.
Who desires only friendship
Could not care much less for gold.
What is this naked thing,
With neither house nor home,
So proudly walks with man to man,
And around the world does roam.
And seeks a fragile ally, -- the way you have this set up the meter is off, though I suppose some may say you can tack an extra half a foot here and there. I suppose if it sounds off when you read that's a sign that the meter is hindering the poem. You've also began a sentence with and.
To lift up off the ground,
And does so swift and easy,
Without great pomp or sound.
It lives in the silence, --Not sure about the anapest here.
And stillness of the air
And lives in friendship undeserved
And in unrequited care.
What is this naked thing,
That loves for loves own sake. -- Question mark
Perhaps it is some kind of god,
Or dreams that walk in wake. You might want to try using a uniform 8 6 8 6 meter with rhymes on the lines with 6 syllables.  Good work, there's some thought in this I think.
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this is not the pigs arse, please stick to the poem. Comments deleted.
/mod
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05-04-2014, 08:04 AM
(This post was last modified: 05-04-2014, 09:07 AM by billy.)
sorry
i'm reminded of St Christopher carrying the child but i'm also as sure it isn't. all that aside. while some see this sort of riddle as poetry i see it as troublesome. the main reason being the write is trying mainly obfuscate something and writing poetry plays a minor role. the well written ones work but the less well written ones fails miserably. this is one of the latter. mainly because it isn't well written. it has a religious feel to it but it needs more than that.
(05-02-2014, 07:01 AM)Willpark Wrote: What is this naked thing?
What is this naked thing,
That cannot walk alone?
Yet when travels hand in hand with me, so you're travelling with when?
Carries mountains on its own.
What is this naked thing,
So small and weak and bold?
Who desires only friendship
Could not care much less for gold. so he cares more for gold..
What is this naked thing,
With neither house nor home,
So proudly walks with man to man, with man to man...so there's 3 of you?
And around the world does roam. reverse speak makes the rhyme feel forced.
And seeks a fragile ally, where did the first line rep go?
To lift up off the ground,
And does so swift and easy,
Without great pomp or sound.
It lives in the silence,
And stillness of the air
And lives in friendship undeserved
And in unrequited care. so many ands.
What is this naked thing,
That loves for loves own sake.
Perhaps it is some kind of god,
Or dreams that walk in wake. sounds good but i can't make it work
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(05-02-2014, 07:01 AM)Willpark Wrote: What is this naked thing?
What is this naked thing,
That cannot walk alone?
Yet when travels hand in hand with me,
Carries mountains on its own.
What is this naked thing,
So small and weak and bold?
Who desires only friendship
Could not care much less for gold.
What is this naked thing,
With neither house nor home,
So proudly walks with man to man,
And around the world does roam.
And seeks a fragile ally,
To lift up off the ground,
And does so swift and easy,
Without great pomp or sound.
It lives in the silence,
And stillness of the air
And lives in friendship undeserved
And in unrequited care.
What is this naked thing,
That loves for loves own sake.
Perhaps it is some kind of god,
Or dreams that walk in wake.
Helo, I am completely new to this; I see good punctuation, good rhyme and flow, i was surprised by the ending and it created more interest. Loretta
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(05-02-2014, 07:01 AM)Willpark Wrote: What is this naked thing?
What is this naked thing,
That cannot walk alone?
Yet when travels hand in hand with me,
Carries mountains on its own.
What is this naked thing,
So small and weak and bold?
Who desires only friendship
Could not care much less for gold.
What is this naked thing,
With neither house nor home,
So proudly walks with man to man,
And around the world does roam.
And seeks a fragile ally,
To lift up off the ground,
And does so swift and easy,
Without great pomp or sound.
It lives in the silence,
And stillness of the air
And lives in friendship undeserved
And in unrequited care.
What is this naked thing,
That loves for loves own sake.
Perhaps it is some kind of god,
Or dreams that walk in wake.
Hi ,
I have resisted the pull of this one because have little idea of what you are striving to make unclear. The capitalisation of each line is an unnecessary additional irritation which just makes the thing harder to read...and if that is your intention I must ask why?
I will not bother you with duplicated comments but add that the whole thing is redolent of the contra-indicated punctuation of that grand ballad title..."What is this thing called, Love?
Help.
Best, tectak
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Threads: 99
Joined: Sep 2013
(05-02-2014, 07:01 AM)Willpark Wrote: What is this naked thing?
What is this naked thing,
That cannot walk alone?
Yet when travels hand in hand with me,
Carries mountains on its own.
What is this naked thing,
So small and weak and bold?
Who desires only friendship
Could not care much less for gold.
What is this naked thing,
With neither house nor home,
So proudly walks with man to man,
And around the world does roam.
And seeks a fragile ally,
To lift up off the ground,
And does so swift and easy,
Without great pomp or sound.
It lives in the silence,
And stillness of the air
And lives in friendship undeserved
And in unrequited care.
What is this naked thing,
That loves for loves own sake.
Perhaps it is some kind of god,
Or dreams that walk in wake.
I know it's as old as dirt, but you may want to peruse "Down, Wanton, Down" by Graves. Just a suggestion.
Personally, I think you have the potential for a very funny piece…if, of course, you wish to go in that direction. Phrases / images / lines like "It lives in silence" or "…it travels hand in hand with me" puts you right there. Repetition of "What is this naked thing" is hilarious to me in this light. Would take some work but what the heck…we have all the time in the world, don't we? I like the poem in this vein.
If you meant this as a serious piece, then, I'm sorry, but it's lagging a bit and misfiring on the rhyme(s). Stuff like "….dreams that walk in wake" makes no sense to me. "Undeserved" is hanging out there like a out of place flag. Misuse of commas is irritating (line 1)…so I'm already in a bad mood before I read the rest of the poem.
Glad you posted this. Gave me a chuckle. But I'm weird.
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Maybe I'm just naive or foolish, but I cannot for the life of me see the enigma that everyone else seems to see. Let me not be so delicate, but can someone please explain to me how this is so overtly about a penis?
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(05-05-2014, 12:36 PM)Willpark Wrote: Maybe I'm just naive or foolish, but I cannot for the life of me see the enigma that everyone else seems to see. Let me not be so delicate, but can someone please explain to me how this is so overtly about a penis?
It's not that it is overtly about a penis but after attempting to discover every other possibility then it MUST be about a penis. Reducto ad absurdum.
best,
tectak
Posts: 574
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Joined: May 2013
I don't think its about a pee pee and I think the OED can confirm that, but I can see why that would be funny to see it that way . I think the absurd part is the evolution of this thread that takes an idea of prelapsarian nakedness and equates it with nonchalant sexual humor. Or the poem is about a baby.
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All joking aside, I think you need to define your theme better. It seems too abstract. Much of the narrative is ambiguous, e.g., 'travels hand in hand with me', 'can't walk alone', etc. There is also some odd syntax, more than likely to support a rhyme scheme: 'Could not care much less for gold', 'and around the world does roam'. Declaring your 'thing' may help readers to provide critique on how to get there. A riddle is fine if there is enough supporting evidence for the reader to make an educated guess at it after reading the poem. Good luck with it./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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Thank you all for your comments.
As I was writing the poem, I was thinking of the naked thing as that raw feeling of love and support that exists between friends. I was thinking that it is weak if left alone, but can be the most powerful force if you put effort into the relationship. Any suggestions for how to hone in on this through the writing? Thanks again.
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Actually I guessed "encouragement" after Billy(who was also struck, or stroked down also), of course I said other things which got me struck from the thread. So "encouragement" is fairly close to what you are saying, the problem is the way you are saying it. Some of your wording lends itself to lampooning.
What is this naked thing,
That cannot walk alone?
travels hand in hand with me,
So small and weak and bold?
With neither house nor home,
around the world does roam.
seeks a fragile ally...
You ask the question, "What is this naked thing" then follow it up with lines that can be interpreted as innuendo.
Generally, I would recommend staying away from the question, in my experience it is a rhetorical device that does not seem to work well in poetry.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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