Burn

[moniker]

Nothing is like a fire burning in the night.
It is great to burn the things of old and watch them bring new light.

Burn and destroy what is old and try to begin anew.
Once all the the old is dead I find my perception begins to skew.

Be wary for destruction is both easy and addictive.
Once you burn all you have you may forget how to live.

You may find yourself feeling sadness when the embers grow cold.
For all that's left of what you were are the ashes of what was old.

Burning is a habit of mine destruction is too.
But be wary when the ashes come for you'll never know what to do.

The oldest phoenix knows that through ashes come new birth.
But until what is old is gone you'll never know its worth.

This is the first poem I've actually written, I used to write short stories but I dont have the the time for it anymore. So feel free to rip into it, if I'm not crying and questioning my worth as a human being chances are you're not being honest enough.

[George]

Here's my 2 cents...

I like where you are heading with this poem, I normally don't like rhyme in poems but in my opinion it fits well here.

Burning is a habit of mine destruction is too.
But be wary when the ashes come for you'll never know what to do.

This line tempo wise does not fit with the rest of the poem, and I feel it is probably the weakest statement here, also those two lines need some punctuation, for it to be read correctly
The be wary part is also pretty silly because its a waste of two words that doesn't need to be there.

Burning is a habit of mine - destruction is too,
but when the ashes come you'll never know what to do.

I think it would be better if you have commas instead of periods for the first line of each stanza, but that's my preference.

Maybe some alliteration would also help in this case, to create a noisy sound just like the crackle of burning.

[Erthona]

"Nothing is like a fire burning in the night."
How about a fire in the fireplace, isn't that like a fire burning at night?

To open with a statement such as "Nothing is like a fire burning in the night." pretty much invalidates whatever follows as it is so superficial.

"skew" is a forced rhyme.


"You may find yourself feeling sadness when the embers grow cold." I may, or I may not.

"he oldest phoenix knows that through ashes come new birth." Wouldn't any Phoenix?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The idea of life from death is archetypal, and is one of the oldest devices used in poetry. This poem brings nothing fresh to that linage. Such lines as "But be wary when the ashes come for you'll never know what to do."

remind me more of Santa's "You'd better watch out"
If this were metered, which it is not, you might make it into a nursery rhyme, but it really offers nothing new to anyone above the age of 12. Plus few above that age would abide by the preachy tone of the speaker.

The lack of poetic skill in writing this is obvious, it is a group of oft used phrases re-written and held together by forced rhymes.

On a positive note, the writer stuck with her subject throughout, the sentences are grammatical and clear (you would be surprised how often this is not the case).

Basically it is about what I would expect from someone who has never written poetry, or probably studied poetry much above nursery rhymes. She does have the ability to rhyme. There is no indication one way or the other if the writer can comprehend and use meter. The use of personification does exists, although that is primarily borrowed from the "Phoenix" motif. Most other poetic tropes appear non-existent. I am unsure if "I don't have the the time for it (short stories) anymore, is really a strong reason to dip ones toes into poetry. Few comprehend the actual difficulty of learning to write poetry, or the time involved. If the premiss for writing poetry is that it takes less time than short story, then the writer should be dissuaded from that notion. This is not to say poetry is in any way superior to short story, but progression in writing poetry (if one is already grammatically sound) is probably slower than in short story. Of course in either case,
one has to have something of worth to say,
before such things as skill and technique come into play.


Best,


Dale

[moniker]

Burning is a habit of mine destruction is too.
But be wary when the ashes come for you'll never know what to do.

This line tempo wise does not fit with the rest of the poem, and I feel it is probably the weakest statement here, also those two lines need some punctuation, for it to be read correctly
The be wary part is also pretty silly because its a waste of two words that doesn't need to be there.

I completely agree with this I noticed that what I was writing it but I wasnt quite sure what to do with it.

I think it would be better if you have commas instead of periods for the first line of each stanza, but that's my preference.

Noted and I can see what you mean I think that works better.

Maybe some alliteration would also help in this case, to create a noisy sound just like the crackle of burning.

As a general rule I don't like alliteration, if you don't pull it off right it can come off rather cheesy. I might try it in something else I write just to try it out and see how it goes but it's not what I was going for with this poem.

---

"Nothing is like a fire burning in the night."
How about a fire in the fireplace, isn't that like a fire burning at night?

If it's at night it would be a fire burning in the the night. So what are you trying to say exactly here?

To open with a statement such as "Nothing is like a fire burning in the night." pretty much invalidates whatever follows as it is so superficial.

Why? Using imagery is bad why exactly?

"skew" is a forced rhyme.

I'm not sure how you pronounce "skew" but that rhyme is dead on.

The idea of life from death is archetypal, and is one of the oldest devices used in poetry. This poem brings nothing fresh to that linage. Such lines as "But be wary when the ashes come for you'll never know what to do."

I alluded to the phoenix once and all of a sudden it's about death? Try not to be so literal and then read again, that's not what its about.

remind me more of Santa's "You'd better watch out"
If this were metered, which it is not, you might make it into a nursery rhyme, but it really offers nothing new to anyone above the age of 12. Plus few above that age would abide by the preachy tone of the speaker.

Still waiting for worthwhile input...

The lack of poetic skill in writing this is obvious, it is a group of oft used phrases re-written and held together by forced rhymes.

Do you know what a forced rhyme even is mate?

On a positive note, the writer stuck with her subject throughout, the sentences are grammatical and clear (you would be surprised how often this is not the case).

Basically it is about what I would expect from someone who has never written poetry, or probably studied poetry much above nursery rhymes. She does have the ability to rhyme. There is no indication one way or the other if the writer can comprehend and use meter. The use of personification does exists, although that is primarily borrowed from the "Phoenix" motif. Most other poetic tropes appear non-existent. I am unsure if "I don't have the the time for it (short stories) anymore, is really a strong reason to dip ones toes into poetry. Few comprehend the actual difficulty of learning to write poetry, or the time involved. If the premiss for writing poetry is that it takes less time than short story, then the writer should be dissuaded from that notion. This is not to say poetry is in any way superior to short story, but progression in writing poetry (if one is already grammatically sound) is probably slower than in short story. Of course in either case,
one has to have something of worth to say,
before such things as skill and technique come into play.


Best,


Dale

Im sorry dear poetry overlord I did not realize I did not have the qualifications to write a poem and in the ever-so prestigious halls of the internet. Will you please forgive this naive mortal for thinking he could write a poem in the new registry forum on the pig pen.

Seriously, thinly veiled insults do not make for a critique. When criticism was present it was superficial or just wrong. The phoenix was alluded to once and now it's a borrowed motif? The phoenix just went along with the actual motif.

Best,

Joe (Im a guy)

[milo]

Burning is a habit of mine destruction is too.
But be wary when the ashes come for you'll never know what to do.

This line tempo wise does not fit with the rest of the poem, and I feel it is probably the weakest statement here, also those two lines need some punctuation, for it to be read correctly
The be wary part is also pretty silly because its a waste of two words that doesn't need to be there.

I completely agree with this I noticed that what I was writing it but I wasnt quite sure what to do with it.

I think it would be better if you have commas instead of periods for the first line of each stanza, but that's my preference.

Noted and I can see what you mean I think that works better.

Maybe some alliteration would also help in this case, to create a noisy sound just like the crackle of burning.

As a general rule I don't like alliteration, if you don't pull it off right it can come off rather cheesy. I might try it in something else I write just to try it out and see how it goes but it's not what I was going for with this poem.

---

"Nothing is like a fire burning in the night."
How about a fire in the fireplace, isn't that like a fire burning at night?

If it's at night it would be a fire burning in the the night. So what are you trying to say exactly here?

To open with a statement such as "Nothing is like a fire burning in the night." pretty much invalidates whatever follows as it is so superficial.

Why? Using imagery is bad why exactly?

"skew" is a forced rhyme.

I'm not sure how you pronounce "skew" but that rhyme is dead on.

The idea of life from death is archetypal, and is one of the oldest devices used in poetry. This poem brings nothing fresh to that linage. Such lines as "But be wary when the ashes come for you'll never know what to do."

I alluded to the phoenix once and all of a sudden it's about death? Try not to be so literal and then read again, that's not what its about.

remind me more of Santa's "You'd better watch out"
If this were metered, which it is not, you might make it into a nursery rhyme, but it really offers nothing new to anyone above the age of 12. Plus few above that age would abide by the preachy tone of the speaker.

Still waiting for worthwhile input...

The lack of poetic skill in writing this is obvious, it is a group of oft used phrases re-written and held together by forced rhymes.

Do you know what a forced rhyme even is mate?

On a positive note, the writer stuck with her subject throughout, the sentences are grammatical and clear (you would be surprised how often this is not the case).

Basically it is about what I would expect from someone who has never written poetry, or probably studied poetry much above nursery rhymes. She does have the ability to rhyme. There is no indication one way or the other if the writer can comprehend and use meter. The use of personification does exists, although that is primarily borrowed from the "Phoenix" motif. Most other poetic tropes appear non-existent. I am unsure if "I don't have the the time for it (short stories) anymore, is really a strong reason to dip ones toes into poetry. Few comprehend the actual difficulty of learning to write poetry, or the time involved. If the premiss for writing poetry is that it takes less time than short story, then the writer should be dissuaded from that notion. This is not to say poetry is in any way superior to short story, but progression in writing poetry (if one is already grammatically sound) is probably slower than in short story. Of course in either case,
one has to have something of worth to say,
before such things as skill and technique come into play.


Best,


Dale

Im sorry dear poetry overlord I did not realize I did not have the qualifications to write a poem and in the ever-so prestigious halls of the internet. Will you please forgive this naive mortal for thinking he could write a poem in the new registry forum on the pig pen.

Seriously, thinly veiled insults do not make for a critique. When criticism was present it was superficial or just wrong. The phoenix was alluded to once and now it's a borrowed motif? The phoenix just went along with the actual motif.

Best,

Joe (Im a guy)

The correct response is, "thank you for the feedback."

/ mod

[billy]

half way through i got a sense of deja vu like i was reading the same thing over but with a few different words. on the surface it may seem to be grand but it's really pretty cliche in it's execution. it's also very wordy, half of many lines could be removed without losing anything.

a suggestion would be to cut away any excess, any repetitive statements, any cliche and any forced rhyme.
thanks for the read.

Nothing is like a fire burning in the night. nothing is like a pinch of salt either, they're unquantifiable statements that holds little meaning
It is great to burn the things of old and watch them bring new light. i like this line because i've done it and it's was true for me.

Burn and destroy what is old and try to begin anew. you already said as much
Once all the the old is dead I find my perception begins to skew. skew doesn't work in relation to the previous line it feels forced [put there so the rhyme works and not because it's the right word to use]

Be wary for destruction is both easy and addictive.
Once you burn all you have you may forget how to live.

You may find yourself feeling sadness when the embers grow cold.
For all that's left of what you were are the ashes of what was old.

Burning is a habit of mine destruction is too.
But be wary when the ashes come for you'll never know what to do.

The oldest phoenix knows that through ashes come new birth. re birth, all birth is new
But until what is old is gone you'll never know its worth.

This is the first poem I've actually written, I used to write short stories but I dont have the the time for it anymore. So feel free to rip into it, if I'm not crying and questioning my worth as a human being chances are you're not being honest enough.

[tectak]

half way through i got a sense of deja vu like i was reading the same thing over but with a few different words. on the surface it may seem to be grand but it's really pretty cliche in it's execution. it's also very wordy, half of many lines could be removed without losing anything.

a suggestion would be to cut away any excess, any repetitive statements, any cliche and any forced rhyme.
thanks for the read.

Nothing is like a fire burning in the night. nothing is like a pinch of salt either, they're unquantifiable statements that holds little meaning
It is great to burn the things of old and watch them bring new light. i like this line because i've done it and it's was true for me.

Burn and destroy what is old and try to begin anew. you already said as much
Once all the the old is dead I find my perception begins to skew. skew doesn't work in relation to the previous line it feels forced [put there so the rhyme works and not because it's the right word to use]

Be wary for destruction is both easy and addictive.
Once you burn all you have you may forget how to live.

You may find yourself feeling sadness when the embers grow cold.
For all that's left of what you were are the ashes of what was old.

Burning is a habit of mine destruction is too.
But be wary when the ashes come for you'll never know what to do.

The oldest phoenix knows that through ashes come new birth. re birth, all birth is new
But until what is old is gone you'll never know its worth.

This is the first poem I've actually written, I used to write short stories but I dont have the the time for it anymore. So feel free to rip into it, if I'm not crying and questioning my worth as a human being chances are you're not being honest enough.

Hmmmm. That went well.
You will find that almost all of the critiques you receive on this site fall in to two categories...honest or sycophantic. You have written a piece to the best of your ability but that does not make it worthy. Listen to the honest crits and learn....or go away happy and read more poetry.
Best,
tectak
(sorry to hijack your post, billy, but my comments are as relevant to your comments (and others) as they are to the poem.)

[bbcashdollar]

A lot's already said in this thread. I don't have a problem with "Nothing is like a fire burning in the night", but i want to know why this is such a singular event for the narrator. Are they an arsonist? The rest seems pretty unrelated to a fire burning at night. Why is this about fire at night? Capture that experience and leave the rest out.

[ChristopherSea]

The pyromania aspect is the more interesting reference herein and one with developing.