My Shadow -edited

[Mopkins]

1st edit

My Shadow


Scared of my shadow? What a laugh!
For by myself his shape is cast
and at my feet he hovers round,
so often prostrate on the ground,
that space beside to cover.

I like to stand out in the sun
and make another me, it's fun!
I’ll make him male, I’ll make him sweet!
I shall hover round his feet
and he shall have no other!

Mimicking mirror he shall be
all the while he clings to me
for by his form I am revealed,
and in myself he is concealed,
how could I want another?

Persistent consequence of light
pray that you and I not fight,
but dwell in synchronicity
and dualistic harmony
and I shall be your lover.



original
My Shadow

Scared of my shadow? What a laugh!
For by myself his shape is cast
and at my feet he hovers round,
so often prostrate on the ground,
that space beside to cover.

I think to stand out in the sun
and make another me is fun!
I’ll make him male, I’ll make him sweet,
I shall hover round his feet
and he shall have no other!

Mimicking mirror he shall be
all the while he clings to me
for by his form I am revealed,
and in myself he is concealed,
how could I want another?

Persistent consequence of light
pray that you and I not fight,
but dwell in synchronicity
and dualistic harmony
and I shall be your lover.

[Thoughtjotter]

My Shadow


Scared of my shadow? What a laugh!
For by myself his shape is cast
and at my feet he hovers round,
so often prostrate on the ground,
that space beside to cover. that space beside me to cover><

I think to stand out in the sun
and make another me is fun!
I’ll make him male, I’ll make him sweet,
I shall hover round his feet
and he shall have no other!

Mimicking mirror he shall be
all the while he clings to me
for by his form I am revealed,
and in myself he is concealed,
how could I want another?

Persistent consequence of light
pray that you and I not fight,
but dwell in synchronicity
and dualistic harmony
and I shall be your lover.

This is a great example of the never ending supply of subjects to write about. Done very well and enjoyable to read.
Thank for sharing,
R.T.

[Mopkins]

hi thoughtjotter,

i agree its a bit off there but adding me would make the line a syllable too long in comparison to the other stanza's last lines - hopefully its not so abstract that readers wont get it. thanks for reading and commenting

[Erthona]

Marianne,

Stanzas composed of 5 lines, first four in iambic tetrameter, last line in iambic trimeter. It seems to hold this form well throughout the poem. This seems more a practice of form rather than being content driven, as it pretty much explores the subject of "Me and MY Shadow" to the limit, of known knowledge, rather than introducing anything novel or original. The closes would be

"I think to stand out in the sun
and make another me is fun!
I’ll make him male, I’ll make him sweet,
I shall hover round his feet
and he shall have no other!"

Still it is more a variation on a theme than anything fresh.

Overall, in terms of form it is well constructed, ut lacks depth in subject matter.


Dale

[Mopkins]

hi Dale, you're quite right about the form, I copied it from one of William Blake's, tho I can't recall which one, it's an oldie I' tidied up this morning. I agree it's a bit dull. Maybe someone will help me put some lipstick on it
thanks for the look, Marianne

[RiverNotch]

Lovely form. I agree that it lacks in variation, but in terms of substance I don't think you need to add any more meat; it's already very good as a cheerful little song. Just add a bit more... spice. Maybe discuss what things you'd like to do with the shadow? Or what things of the shadow you'd like to change? I dunno.

Scared of my shadow? What a laugh!
For by myself his shape is cast
and at my feet he hovers round,
so often prostrate on the ground,
that space beside to cover.

I think to stand out in the sun
and make another me is fun!This line feels rather awkward, mainly because of the "is fun".
I’ll make him male, I’ll make him sweet,I suggest separating this line from the latter two with a period/exclamation point, just to make it feel more statement-y.
I shall hover round his feet
and he shall have no other!

Mimicking mirror he shall be,
all the while he clings to me,
for by his form I am revealed,
and in myself he is concealed;
how could I want another?

Persistent consequence of light
pray that you and I not fight,Perhaps an end to the sentence would be better here? That'd make it flow nicer, I suppose
but dwell in synchronicity
and dualistic harmonyThis is redundant.
and I shall be your lover.

[Mopkins]

Lovely form. I agree that it lacks in variation, but in terms of substance I don't think you need to add any more meat; it's already very good as a cheerful little song. Just add a bit more... spice. Maybe discuss what things you'd like to do with the shadow? Or what things of the shadow you'd like to change? I dunno.

Scared of my shadow? What a laugh!
For by myself his shape is cast
and at my feet he hovers round,
so often prostrate on the ground,
that space beside to cover.

I think to stand out in the sun
and make another me is fun!This line feels rather awkward, mainly because of the "is fun".

originally those two lines were 'I think that in the sun to stand/and make another me is grand' which was worse, don't know what to do to make it any less awkward


I’ll make him male, I’ll make him sweet,I suggest separating this line from the latter two with a period/exclamation point, just to make it feel more statement-y.

good idea


I shall hover round his feet
and he shall have no other!

Mimicking mirror he shall be,
all the while he clings to me,
for by his form I am revealed,
and in myself he is concealed;
how could I want another?

Persistent consequence of light
pray that you and I not fight,Perhaps an end to the sentence would be better here? That'd make it flow nicer, I suppose

I put a comma after fight as I didn't want to start the next line with capital B on But


but dwell in synchronicity
and dualistic harmonyThis is redundant.

why do you consider 'dualistic harmony' redundant? nothing else like it is previously mentioned, and dualistic and harmony both mean different things so I'm unsure what you mean.

and I shall be your lover.

I don't think that I could expand on it - there's not much more to a shadow to write about, and there's only so many rhymes for cover/another/lover etc. still, I'll think about it.

thanks for reading and commenting, RiverNotch, it's appreciated

Marianne

[RiverNotch]

"originally those two lines were 'I think that in the sun to stand/and make another me is grand' which was worse, don't know what to do to make it any less awkward"
You'll think of something, I'm sure. Or perhaps:
"I think to stand out in the sun,
and form anew the self in fun."
Okay, that alternative is terrible. xD But again, you'll thinka something.

"I put a comma after fight as I didn't want to start the next line with capital B on But"
It won't do you no harm, but alright.

"why do you consider 'dualistic harmony' redundant? nothing else like it is previously mentioned, and dualistic and harmony both mean different things so I'm unsure what you mean."
Dualistic harmony and synchronicity somewhat mean the same, although come to think (a bit harder) of it, they don't. Sorry about that.

[milo]

[quote='RiverNotch' pid='162699' dateline='1398687173']
Lovely form. I agree that it lacks in variation, but in terms of substance I don't think you need to add any more meat; it's already very good as a cheerful little song. Just add a bit more... spice. Maybe discuss what things you'd like to do with the shadow? Or what things of the shadow you'd like to change? I dunno.
[quote='Mopkins' pid='162671' dateline='1398660739']
Scared of my shadow? What a laugh!
For by myself his shape is cast
and at my feet he hovers round,
so often prostrate on the ground,
that space beside to cover.

I think to stand out in the sun
and make another me is fun!This line feels rather awkward, mainly because of the "is fun".

originally those two lines were 'I think that in the sun to stand/and make another me is grand' which was worse, don't know what to do to make it any less awkward

I think that standing in the sun
And making other "me"s is fun

I like to stand out in the sun
And make another me, it's fun

Outside dancing in the sun
Another me is dancing fun

In the sun, I laugh and run
Another laughs along, what fun!

Etc.

[Mopkins]

RiverNotch you must be an optimist - I'm less than sure I'll come up with something but I'll give it some thought. thanks for the clarification.

Milo, thanks for the alterative lines - I'll take the second one, and edit it in. thanks muchly

Marianne