Objects

[kindofahippy]

In a chair on the lawn, as I rested at dawn
and soaked in the sounds of the day
I closed my eyes and listened for the padding of a kitten
who I knew was sure to come my way.

The hallowed old oak considered me a joke
as I sympathized with animal kind.
Still I gave the cat some milk and pet his unkempt fur
and listened to him purr as he dined.

I would rather be the robin in that tree
than sit here as I am, being me.
A beast has no morals of which to speak
and that gives them a wild beauty.

We humans lay waste to the world in haste
and in haste, we live till we die.
Animals remain locked in the present frame
and don't seem to bother asking why.

We trod about with our pomp and clout
and relegate animals to an industry.
For cattle, fish and dogs, mice, poultry, hogs;
Just an object to be used by humanity.

Feeling, living, breathing,
hurting, resting, bleeding,
almost sentient Personal Property.

[crow]

-- MACRO note. Be cautious about taking my micro edits, below. The best part of this poem is the macro. The overplayed rhyming elements, the palpable but underplayed philosophic ones. I only edit poems that I like a lot (and, yes, that makes me feel guilty). So just know that going into this.
--that said, what I take to be the turn at "we humans," leads into two stanzas that I don't grock. The tree derides the narrator's confusion of human and animal feeling, and then the narrator derides humans by means of explanation. I understand all that. Then we're going to defend the animal's position. Still with you.
--it's the articulation if animal goodness that looses me. "Frame" is a storyteller's set of relevant premises. Here, it seems to mean, "immediate connection with the moment." I'm still with you, but I'm losing the thead.
--now, on s4l4, the reason animals aren't warlike is that they don't have higher-order reflective cognition, in that they can't ask "why." Hmm???
--s5 says animals are made into objects because humans can ask why. I don't follow.
--then animals are "almost sentient"?
--as a recap, here's the story as I understand it: the narrator has a meditative epiphany, which is that animals are doing something admirable. Humans are doing bad things. Tf, animals are worth a sympathetic look. What are animals doing right? They're relatively dumb creatures. The cat drinks milk, as given by a human, and then doesn't make war.
--that's my macro, here's the micro.

Objects

In a chair on the lawn, as I rested at dawn[,]
and soaked in the sounds of the day[,]
I closed my eyes and listened for the padding of a kitten[,]
who I knew was sure to come my way.
--the poem is entitled Objects, and I would have anticipated "which" or "that" vs who. I'm searching for tools, objects, and other independent, will-less things.

--I'm also looking for something objectionable and, less likely, something "thrown" (from -ject of -iacare)

The hallowed old oak considered me a joke
--"derided" is a concise way of saying. "considered me a joke"
--"hallowed" means "made holy." I'm now looking for other religious, if I can coin a word for no reason, theoglyphs

as I sympathized with animal kind.
--two notes on "animal kind." First, I think you can say "animals" for a stronger effect. To justify that revision, I'd say that the word "sympathized" sits in tension with the phrase "animal kind." That is, if you sympathize with the devil, it wouldn't do to say "I sympathize with the sole individual that can be described as 'the devil.'"
--Second, consider "the animal" as an alternative.

Still[,] I gave the cat some milk and pet his unkempt fur
--"some" appears unneeded, as I wouldn't have otherwise asked "how much? was it *all* of the milk?"

and listened to him purr as he dined.
--we don't normally think of dining on a liquid. Maybe "sup"?


I would rather be the robin in that tree
than sit here as I am, being me.
--this can be tightened. Besides that, the preference for robinhood (pardon the pun), the sought-after trait of the Robin is the ability to sit in the immediacy if it's own being, no?

A beast has no morals of which to speak
and that gives them a wild beauty.
--"wild beauty" is really effective
--beasts have "morals," as in a set of socially appropriate behaviors. What they don't have is a notion if divine or objective morality

We humans lay waste to the world in haste[,]
and in haste, we live till we die.
-- "till" should prolly be "til"
--do we slow down upon death?

Animals remain locked in the present frame
and don't seem to bother asking why.

We trod about with our pomp and clout
and relegate animals to an industry.
For cattle, fish and dogs, mice, poultry, hogs;
Just an object to be used by humanity.

Feeling, living, breathing,
hurting, resting, bleeding,
almost sentient Personal Property.

--consider un-orphaning this clausal stanza

[Am I A Poet?]

In a chair on the lawn, as I rested at dawn
and soaked in the sounds of the day
I closed my eyes and listened for the padding of a kitten the meter has been lovely so far, but it jars and doesn't work for me here
who I knew was sure to come my way. the rhythm has disintegrated momentarily already in the poem

The hallowed old oak considered me a joke
as I sympathized with animal kind.
Still I gave the cat some milk and pet his unkempt fur pet = present tense whereas the other verbs are past participles. Rhythmically dubious line too
and listened to him purr as he dined.

I would rather be the robin in that tree "I'd" for "I would" sounds better out loud to me
than sit here as I am, being me.
A beast has no morals of which to speak
and that gives them a wild beauty. This stanza is beautiful to me, I love the way the rhythm and rhyme work with the image when I read it out loud. I'd consider losing the "a" in the final line to make it flow even better

We humans lay waste to the world in haste
and in haste, we live till we die. the repetition, rhythm and enjambment are brilliant here
Animals remain locked in the present frame "stay" for "remain"?
and don't seem to bother asking why. substituting in "to ever ask why" probably compromises your image, but I prefer it rhythmically

We trod about with our pomp and clout loved the internal rhymes so far, but this one doesn't work for me. "We trod all (or another word for rhythm) about with our pomp and our (any monosyllabic word for rhythm again) clout"?
and relegate animals to an industry. "an" superfluous for me, losing it and choosing "demote" instead of "relegate" better rhythmically?
For cattle, fish and dogs, mice, poultry, hogs; A nicer rhythm would be achieved by "Fish, cattle and dogs, mice, poultry and hogs", but just an idea and a preference. I don't know how I'd modify the next line accordingly
Just an object to be used by humanity.

Feeling, living, breathing,
hurting, resting, bleeding,
almost sentient Personal Property. The personal property image hasn't been built up enough to be your punch line for me. The destruction of nature isn't synonymous with capitalism specifically (and if it is you haven't explained why), and the preservation of nature isn't necessary to ideologies without private property.

I really like your content, and the rhythm fits it beautifully at times, but the occasions where the rhythm falters make the poem harder to read. The internal rhymes, however, help carry me through the poem, and I enjoyed reading it. As I mention in my analysis, stanza three is beautiful poetry to me, your best stanza here, and better when read out loud.

[crow]

I second all of Am I a Poet?'s notes, and would note, too, that her critique hits heaviest toward the end, which is a flag I was throwing, too. I'd argue the praise in my macro comment was echoed as well.

This poem is a keeper, but it might turn out to be a long way from "done."

[milo]

In a chair on the lawn, as I rested at dawn
and soaked in the sounds of the day
I closed my eyes and listened for the padding of a kitten
who I knew was sure to come my way.

The hallowed old oak considered me a joke
as I sympathized with animal kind.
Still I gave the cat some milk and pet his unkempt fur
and listened to him purr as he dined.

I would rather be the robin in that tree
than sit here as I am, being me.
A beast has no morals of which to speak
and that gives them a wild beauty.

We humans lay waste to the world in haste
and in haste, we live till we die.
Animals remain locked in the present frame
and don't seem to bother asking why.

We trod about with our pomp and clout
and relegate animals to an industry.
For cattle, fish and dogs, mice, poultry, hogs;
Just an object to be used by humanity.

Feeling, living, breathing,
hurting, resting, bleeding,
almost sentient Personal Property.

To be honest, I think it is a disaster. The worst of it is the rhyme and meter which are both handled with the grace of a hippopotamous ballerina. The first 2 lines showed promise in that they were written in consistent rhyme and meter but from there it is a chore to read the inconsistent metrics and forced rhymes.

It uses cliché plattitudes for filler instead of poetry - "humans lay waste to the world in haste", it creates syntactic impossibilities "animals remain locked in the present frame . . ."

It goes on and on saying nothing particularly new or interesting in the most authoritative but boring fashion all while maintaining no music, grammatic clumsiness, and a general awkwardness with language. Other than the first 2 lines I see nothing salvageable.

Thanks for posting.

Good luck.

[kindofahippy]

Hi everyone, thanks for the comments.

Crow,

The macro of this poem is about how animals are morally superior to humans, while we are intellectually superior to animals. People fight over morality issues; devastate the natural world to create a comfortable artificial one; worry about the future and make complicated castles in the air; and are able to regard living animals as unfeeling objects. Animals live in the moment; are amoral; and make do with the natural and can't comprehend the artificial.

Regarding the micro notes, "hallowed" means a "venerable" oak; the desired trait of the robin is the lack of morality and the contentment with survival in the moment; and death does a fine job of slowing things down, no matter what you believe in.


Am I a Poet?,

Thank you for your notes, I will take some time to rewrite the first couple stanzas for rhythm. I'll be sure to include some of your suggestions in my next revision, thanks. About your closing comment, the theme here is more of how animals, which are emotive beings that have nerves, pain, and individual personalities, are just considered personal property under the law, like a couch or a TV. In agribusiness, livestock is nothing more than another item. Somewhere along the line, we've lost touch with the fact that consuming meat requires the destruction of animals. For example, when you grab a double from mickey D's, do you pause to ask how the cow that product came from was treated, what it was fed, how it was sheltered and transported, how the slaughtering process works, and how this reflects on the quality of the meat?

milo,

Hi, thanks for commenting! I know you have considerable experience with poetry, so your notes mean a lot to me. I have trouble finding the poem as awkward as you describe when I read it aloud, perhaps my accent and reading style makes it sound smoother to me than it is. What I found most catastrophic was the first and second stanzas, they need a definite rewrite, but if you would point out what you found jarring, I'll take some time to consider revisions.

I'm shocked that "lay waste to the world in haste" is cliched. I know the theme is cliched, but does that mean an entire subject has to be avoided?

This poem isn't intended to be new and original, it's just my take on a theme. I'm surprised that it's as bad as you describe, it's not perfect but I found it at least salvageable. If you mean that this poem isn't even worth workshopping, could you let me know why that is?

[milo]

milo,

Hi, thanks for commenting! I know you have considerable experience with poetry, so your notes mean a lot to me. I have trouble finding the poem as awkward as you describe when I read it aloud, perhaps my accent and reading style makes it sound smoother to me than it is. What I found most catastrophic was the first and second stanzas, they need a definite rewrite, but if you would point out what you found jarring, I'll take some time to consider revisions.

I'm shocked that "lay waste to the world in haste" is cliched. I know the theme is cliched, but does that mean an entire subject has to be avoided?

This poem isn't intended to be new and original, it's just my take on a theme. I'm surprised that it's as bad as you describe, it's not perfect but I found it at least salvageable. If you mean that this poem isn't even worth workshopping, could you let me know why that is?

ok, I can give it some time now.

In a chair on the lawn, as I rested at dawn
and soaked in the sounds of the day
I closed my eyes and listened for the padding of a kitten
who I knew was sure to come my way.

inaCHAIR ontheLAWN(a) asiRES tedatDAWN(a) perfect anapaestic tetrameter with rhymes every second foot
andSOAKED intheSOUNDS oftheDAY(b) anapaestic trimeter. This is fine as it is a common practice to layer tetrameter and trimeter for effect.
iCLOSED myEYES andLIST enedFOR thePAD dingOF aKIT ten Iambic Heptameter. This pretty much shoots all the work you did. In addition, i think you may have been trying to rhyme listened and kitten.
whoiKNEW wasSURE toCOME myWAY(b) anapaest iamb iamb iamb and a rhyme with your (b) rhyme.

As for content, so far our narrator is sitting in a lawn chair at dawn on his lawn and listening for sounds "of the day" while also listening for the sound of a kitten that he is sure will come along (my way). Much of the information is superfluous and injected strictly for rhyme (at dawn, sounds of the day)

The hallowed old oak considered me a joke
as I sympathized with animal kind.
Still I gave the cat some milk and pet his unkempt fur
and listened to him purr as he dined.

theHAL lowedoldOAK© conSI deredME aJOKE© This line starts out as if it will be anapaestic but instead changes mid-stream to iambic and re-starts the "rhyme-in-the-middle" routine from before.
asiSYM paTHIZED withAN imalKIND(d) - anapaest iamb anapaest iamb
stilliGAVE theCAT someMILK andPET hisun KEMPTFUR - anapaest iamb iamb iamb doubleiamb - metrically a mess and the rhymes are gone again
andLIST enedTO himPURR asheDINED(d) 3 iambs and an anapaest.

content - an old oak referred to as "THE old oak" is personified at this point for the sole purpose of considering our narrator "a joke". The oak never enters the poem again, nether is the significance explained or developed. At the same time, the narrator takes some time out of his busy day of sitting and listening to do some sympathizing with animal kind. TBH, if someone told me to go sympathize with animal kind for a bit, I am not sure what I would do, so i am not sure what this animal-kind-sympathizing narrator is doing other than trying to make life inexplicably rhyme.

STILL, the narrator gave the cat some milk and pet him. The cat has unkempt fur. Why still? The narrator takes does some more listening at this point, to the cat purr.

The poem continues along this manner of refusing to commit to a set meter or rhyme all while producing inanities.

Some low points -

attempting to rhyme "me" with "beauty"
adding "of which to speak" at the end of a beast has no morals.
writing "we humans" at all ever
suggesting animals don't "seem" to bother asking why they are locked in the present time frame.
"relegate animals to an industry" - platitudes have no place in poetry.
Forgetting to pluralize "object" when writing of multiple animals.
suggesting "trodding" with pomp.
using the past tense form of "tread" as if it were the present tense.
Just an object to be used by humanity - combining both platitude and double abstraction
Writing a sentence composed of 6 participles, 2 adjectives, 1 adverb and a noun.


The reason I don't think anything past the first 2 lines is salvageable is because there is nothing to salvage. The idea is stale, there aren't really anymore images, the language is clumsy when it's not just grammatically incorrect. It is also all tell and no show. I would suggest taking an image or a small story and telling it without ever /explaining/ the theme to the reader.

For example - if you think animals' lack of morals gives them a wild beauty, don't tell me, sing the song of an animal showing no morals and make him beautiful so that I, the reader, can come to the conclusion myself.

[kindofahippy]

"For example - if you think animals' lack of morals gives them a wild beauty, don't tell me, sing the song of an animal showing no morals and make him beautiful so that I, the reader, can come to the conclusion myself. "

This is truly the difference between showing and telling. Thanks for the insight, milo. It changes how I look at poetry.

[tectak]

"For example - if you think animals' lack of morals gives them a wild beauty, don't tell me, sing the song of an animal showing no morals and make him beautiful so that I, the reader, can come to the conclusion myself. "

This is truly the difference between showing and telling. Thanks for the insight, milo. It changes how I look at poetry.

This could be epiphany
for kindofahippy...
and that is a happy
result.

Good egg,
I will enjoy the edit.
tectak

---

Hi everyone, thanks for the comments.

Crow,

The macro of this poem is about how animals are morally superior to humans, while we are intellectually superior to animals. People fight over morality issues; devastate the natural world to create a comfortable artificial one; worry about the future and make complicated castles in the air; and are able to regard living animals as unfeeling objects. Animals live in the moment; are amoral; and make do with the natural and can't comprehend the artificial.

Regarding the micro notes, "hallowed" means a "venerable" oak; the desired trait of the robin is the lack of morality and the contentment with survival in the moment; and death does a fine job of slowing things down, no matter what you believe in.


Am I a Poet?,

Thank you for your notes, I will take some time to rewrite the first couple stanzas for rhythm. I'll be sure to include some of your suggestions in my next revision, thanks. About your closing comment, the theme here is more of how animals, which are emotive beings that have nerves, pain, and individual personalities, are just considered personal property under the law, like a couch or a TV. In agribusiness, livestock is nothing more than another item. Somewhere along the line, we've lost touch with the fact that consuming meat requires the destruction of animals. For example, when you grab a double from mickey D's, do you pause to ask how the cow that product came from was treated, what it was fed, how it was sheltered and transported, how the slaughtering process works, and how this reflects on the quality of the meat?

milo,

Hi, thanks for commenting! I know you have considerable experience with poetry, so your notes mean a lot to me. I have trouble finding the poem as awkward as you describe when I read it aloud, perhaps my accent and reading style makes it sound smoother to me than it is. What I found most catastrophic was the first and second stanzas, they need a definite rewrite, but if you would point out what you found jarring, I'll take some time to consider revisions.

I'm shocked that "lay waste to the world in haste" is cliched. I know the theme is cliched, but does that mean an entire subject has to be avoided?

This poem isn't intended to be new and original, it's just my take on a theme. I'm surprised that it's as bad as you describe, it's not perfect but I found it at least salvageable. If you mean that this poem isn't even worth workshopping, could you let me know why that is?

Lay waste to the world.Youtube.
Tectak
(Though everything that is a cliche is on youtube, not everything on youtube is a cliche)

[crow]

kindofahippy,

My apologies--I wasn't intending to ask for clarification, I was pointing out where the poem falls down. It's plain that you find animals to be morally superior to humans, but you've also said that they have no morals.

Look back at my macro for a full articulation, and note that I've typo'd "of" as "if" a bunch of times

crow