Funeral

[Stephanie]

Deleted

[71degrees]

Trying to go for something very clear and simple today as I am struggling with clarity in my writing at the moment. There isn't quite enough space for the layout I want here - the long line is meant to be on one line not two if that makes sense.


Funeral

We do not speak.

Car pressing
tongues flat
as the smart black
stuck to our skin.


Returning we burst,
stretch lungs,
let our tongues rattle
joyous shit.

Five minutes from home my brother stops the driver to piss against a roadside tree.

So much we cannot hold.

If you tell me ahead of time that what's here is "something clear and simple," it kind of takes the fun out of a poem and makes me feel stupid b/c I can't see it. I believe you that there is so much we cannot hold as humans, I actually like that line, but it seems your brother takes that literally. Are you going for a lesson here? Nothing to say about the dead? Nobody liked who died? After it's over, you all feel better? Your brother drinks too much before a funeral? He can't wait five minutes to use a bathroom? Sorry, the VERY simple and clear message escapes me. Need more to get a handle on it.

[Stephanie]

If you read my first message I said I was TRYING to go for something simple not that I had managed to achieve it. I am trying to because as I also said it is something I am struggling with at the moment. Mentioning it is certainly not intended to make anyone feel stupid, I am not sure why you would think that, it was only to say that it's what I am working on at the moment. And no there is no lesson, it's just a poem about the journey to and from a funeral and the tension release experienced on the way home.

[ChristopherSea]

Stephanie, There may too much brevity in your opening. The present tense that you used while on the way to the funeral confused me for a moment (but, it could just be me). What about something like, On the way, we did not speak... The next stanza was perfect with the flat/black/stuck. 'Shit' did not rattle for me, there must be something better (rattle joyous old bones or anything else). The last two lines were great, but I would break the penultimate line at 'stops' for some tension and again at 'piss' for more levity and irony. Some things to think about perhaps. I like it./Chris

[tectak]

Trying to go for something very clear and simple today as I am struggling with clarity in my writing at the moment. There isn't quite enough space for the layout I want here - the long line is meant to be on one line not two if that makes sense.
Hi steph,
read the end first or I will be in trouble with myself
Funeral......................................procession

We do not speak........................above the hymn the engine hums.

Car pressing..............................us into our seats, we are too many.
tongues flat...............................against our dry-stone rooves
as the smart black.....................hat preceeds us; too slowly while we are
stuck to our skin..........................in tight and ill-fitting funeral garb.


Returning we burst....................with pent-up breath, but loathe to
stretch lungs,..............................in case we say what should be said. Instead we
let our tongues rattle..................in our empty heads, and flush away the
joyous shit.................................Once gone, never seen again.

Five minutes from home my brother stops the driver to piss against a roadside tree.

So much we cannot hold.

Yes, you didn't succed...and here's why. You left the piece unfinished and by writing a disclaimer at the start you hoped to get away with it. It is like half a poem cut up the middle.
Funeral

We do not speak.

Car pressing
tongues flat
as the smart black
stuck to our skin.


Returning we burst,
stretch lungs,
let our tongues rattle
joyous shit.

Five minutes from home my brother stops the driver to piss against a roadside tree.

So much we cannot hold.

[Stephanie]

Interesting to see how someone else would complete the lines although it moves the poem away from my intention. Also interesting to see the feedback here in direct conflict with the feedback I received elsewhere. I guess that is the trouble with these things, it's all quite personal. Editing poems is something I really struggle with as I never know who I should be listening to, I suppose that gets easier with experience or at least I hope it does!!

[ellajam]

Hi, Stephanie, I like this, there is nothing here I don't understand.

For me, "smart black stuck to our skin" said funeral, I think Release or Relief might be a good title, that's what I took the poem to be about. Nice read, thanks for posting it.

Trying to go for something very clear and simple today as I am struggling with clarity in my writing at the moment. There isn't quite enough space for the layout I want here - the long line is meant to be on one line not two if that makes sense.


Funeral

We do not speak.

Car pressing
tongues flat
as the smart black
stuck to our skin.


Returning we burst,
stretch lungs,
let our tongues rattle
joyous shit.

Five minutes from home my brother stops the driver to piss against a roadside tree.

So much we cannot hold.

[Stephanie]

Thank you, good idea, the title is a bit bland.

[71degrees]

If you read my first message I said I was TRYING to go for something simple not that I had managed to achieve it. I am trying to because as I also said it is something I am struggling with at the moment. Mentioning it is certainly not intended to make anyone feel stupid, I am not sure why you would think that, it was only to say that it's what I am working on at the moment. And no there is no lesson, it's just a poem about the journey to and from a funeral and the tension release experienced on the way home.

Stephanie: I hear you. I actually love funeral poems. And I like this one. The last sentence of your response to me says it all. I guess I just wanted a chance to see that for myself without a disclaimer. Shades a response, I think.

Please don't give up on this. Your brother response to the funeral is fascinating.

[Stephanie]

Thanks, I only mentioned it after the feedback I received on my first poem which people clearly couldn't make head nor tail of. And it is indeed a true story, we weren't even five minutes, more like two. Too many pints at the wake I suspect.

[tectak]

Interesting to see how someone else would complete the lines although it moves the poem away from my intention. Also interesting to see the feedback here in direct conflict with the feedback I received elsewhere. I guess that is the trouble with these things, it's all quite personal. Editing poems is something I really struggle with as I never know who I should be listening to, I suppose that gets easier with experience or at least I hope it does!!

So you agree that the lines seem incomplete? Your intention is perfectly valid and I don't want to imply that the lines MUST be completed in my, or anyone's, way. As a criticism of the form, only you can decide whether or not to take note...all is opinion...but what will be apparent on this site is that most of us who give our opinion, do so honestly...and that may explain the difference between this site and the "others" which you refer to.
Best,
tectak

[Stephanie]

They don't feel incomplete to me but I know nothing! Much to learn

[ellajam]

Interesting to see how someone else would complete the lines although it moves the poem away from my intention. Also interesting to see the feedback here in direct conflict with the feedback I received elsewhere. I guess that is the trouble with these things, it's all quite personal. Editing poems is something I really struggle with as I never know who I should be listening to, I suppose that gets easier with experience or at least I hope it does!!

Stephanie, that's exactly what I love about the pigpen.

For me the trick is thinking about how each suggestion would impact the poem, trying them out and seeing whether or not I like the change. The wonderful thing about editing is it's no more permanent than the original, you can always go back, but I find all the different views help me to figure out where exactly I want the poem to go. Remember, it's always your choice.

Unfortunately, it doesn't get easier, but it is interesting and fun.

[John Galt]

Trying to go for something very clear and simple today as I am struggling with clarity in my writing at the moment. There isn't quite enough space for the layout I want here - the long line is meant to be on one line not two if that makes sense.


Funeral

We do not speak.

Car pressing
tongues flat
as the smart black
stuck to our skin.


Returning we burst,
stretch lungs,
let our tongues rattle
joyous shit.

Five minutes from home my brother stops the driver to piss against a roadside tree.

So much we cannot hold.

Hello Stephanie, the first verse left me wondering how a "car" can "press tongues flat".
The inference that the "black" clothing is "flat" did not work for me. I just don't see it.

The second part did its job, coupled with the last line. I wondered if the word "in" would fit after the last word "hold".
The word "open" could be inserted for "stretch", I was thinking of the match with "burst" whilst still keeping the same connotation.
I went for different punctuation on the last line just to see if more of what you were thinking came across, (see what you think).

A substitute (minimalist) start came to mind.

Going
we did not speak.

Returning we burst,
open lungs,
let our tongues rattle
joyous shit.

Five minutes from home my brother stops the driver to piss against a roadside tree.

So much, we cannot, hold in.

Thank you Stephanie. JG

[Todd]

Hi Stephanie,

Let me give you some comments below, hopefully they'll help some.

Trying to go for something very clear and simple today as I am struggling with clarity in my writing at the moment. There isn't quite enough space for the layout I want here - the long line is meant to be on one line not two if that makes sense.


Funeral--The title gives it away, which is fine, but realize with a different title which I'm not advocating you open up the reader line by line to what is occurring. With this layout you need some sort of epiphany or revelation to give the poem the punch it needs. I hope that's clear.

We do not speak.--great first line and good use of space with the break. This is in some ways the theme of the poem. If words cannot be expressed if emotions refuse to process how does the pain or loss show itself--that should be probably where the lines take us.

Car pressing--This break doesn't buy you much in my opinion. I also fail to see how the car itself silences you. A hearse passing could have that effect. Traveling with the body maybe. I think you need to go a layer or two deeper to get why you are silent. Another point though is that you've already dealt with this in the first line. Economy would dictate that you give us something new or some new aspect of the silence
tongues flat--This is okay, though I don't think of worn clothes as flat maybe play with the idea of being creased (there's a sense of crushing or pressing down with that word that might imply strain)
as the smart black--I like smart black, and the idea that it stuck to the skin. There feels like there needs to be something else to add to the emotional tension. I need to feel a build up despite the terrible quiet.
stuck to our skin.--I feel like there should be more imagery or figurative language here though just a thought


Returning we burst,
stretch lungs,
let our tongues rattle
joyous shit.--I have no issue with curse words. I feel joyous shit doesn't add to the tongues rattle more. You have rattle and stretch maybe serpent imagery. "In the day you eat of the fruit you will die." not saying you go there but you could layer this a bit while remaining crisp with your word choices. "joyous shit" has a shorthand quality to it here that I don't like.

Five minutes from home my brother stops the driver to piss against a roadside tree.--I don't mind this as a final line provided you build the tension to this moment. Piss is waste in a way. It works for me.

So much we cannot hold.--Too leading at the end. I'd end with the long line. If you wanted to reuse this line, you could make it an alternate title.

Maybe more words than I'd normally share in mild, but again I hope some of it is helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Stephanie]

Brilliant! Thank you both, your clarity is really helpful. I am going to have a good play around with that first section especially.

A quick play before the kids get up got me to this

We open the car window
but the air stays stale,
sticky as the ironed black
creasing with our hearts.

I loved the crease/crush suggestion, worried that the hearts might be a bit too cliched.