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A beautiful fallacy woven together with silken strings of white,
Neatly laid across your heart, and stitched on tight
A lovely little falsity, better yet, a lovely little fable...
Preying on the minds of the young, the weak, the ready willing and able.
a travesty believed to be a gift from his benevolent grace,
A chemical imbalance, an imperfection, a deceitful disgrace.
Do not be fooled by this malevolent waste,
Free yourself of these lies tight embrace.
This lie is a virus passed amongst society much like H.I.V.
Only the virus that I speak of is spelled L. O. V. E.
No meter, dramatic, bad end rhymes... I know, I know..
Ugly on the skin, lovely from within..
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I actually thought this poem was good and I'm glad I read it. You conveyed the message really well in parts, especially the first two lines. A few things I would change however:
Line three to "A lovely little falsity, better yet, a little fable",
Line four to "Preying on the minds of the young, the weak the willing and able",
Line six to "A chemical imbalance, an imperfection, a disgrace".
Really though the poem was good, just some things can be cropped to add more flow into the poem. I really liked all the words for lies/lying that I hadn't really thought of before, like "falsity" and "fallacy". Never thought of all the words for lie. : )
I hope this helps a little bit.
-Austin
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A little too wordy in the opening lines, tighten your phrasing. The meaning and content is clear, I like that though some may feel it’s a touch too preachy.
Regards Cari.
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Yes, a little preachy, but a cool sounding/feeling poem overall to me. Some real good rhythm in there, some real rhythmic and clever lines in there, methinks.
A couple of unnecessary words I might clip-out to strengthen it, an apostrophe or two. And I think the first four lines could be better realized, made a little stronger, bring the reader in and engage them quicker.
But you've got some talent to build on, if that is what you wish.
You can't hate me more than I hate myself. I win.
"When the spirit of justice eloped on the wings
Of a quivering vibrato's bittersweet sting."
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the last line fucked the poem up mainly because it went through the paper bag of cheesy/cliche and came out the other side as why fuckin' bother  end rhymes worked except the last one. i think embrace should be embraces on the 8th line. it has some potential. for me beautiful is implied chest is a suggestion instead of heart and stretched instead of stitched. just suggestions is all. i get the lies aspect
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(03-21-2014, 04:31 AM)Ryan_w_r Wrote: A beautiful fallacy woven together with silken strings of white,
Neatly laid across your heart, and stitched on tight
A lovely little falsity, better yet, a lovely little fable...
Preying on the minds of the young, the weak, the ready willing and able.
a travesty believed to be a gift from his benevolent grace,
A chemical imbalance, an imperfection, a deceitful disgrace.
Do not be fooled by this malevolent waste,
Free yourself of these lies tight embrace.
This lie is a virus passed amongst society much like H.I.V.
Only the virus that I speak of is spelled L. O. V. E.
No meter, dramatic, bad end rhymes... I know, I know..
An intriguing and curt poem. Lines three and four are imbalanced. I honestly think it would sound better like this:
"A lovely little falsity, better yet, it is a lovely little fable...
Preying on the minds of the young, the weak, the willing and able."
Line five, did you mean to leave it with a lowercase a? It distracts from the content of the poem.
Line eight is hard to read because of its double meaning, to be free from lies or to embrace lies tight. If it was my poem, I'd write:
"Free yourself of the tight embrace of these lies"
This line also has a rhyme (Though not an audible one) with line nine. The only other minor change might be in punctuation. Lines five through seven would be better off without it, to improve the flow when the poem is read aloud. All in all, I found it a nice love poem. It doesn't seem cliched to me, much of the content is quite original. The whole theme of it being a "chemical imbalance" makes me think of sexual deviance. A nice little ditty, and I hope to read more poetry from you. Thanks.
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line
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I enjoyed the concept a great deal, really enjoyed the whole equating love to a chemical imbalance, hahaha, I agree whole heartedly. The last two lines just seems lapped on though.
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Thank you.
Ugly on the skin, lovely from within..
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(03-21-2014, 04:31 AM)Ryan_w_r Wrote: A beautiful fallacy woven together with silken strings of white,
Neatly laid across your heart, and stitched on tight
A lovely little falsity, better yet, a lovely little fable...
Preying on the minds of the young, the weak, the ready willing and able.
a travesty believed to be a gift from his benevolent grace,
A chemical imbalance, an imperfection, a deceitful disgrace.
Do not be fooled by this malevolent waste,
Free yourself of these lies tight embrace.
This lie is a virus passed amongst society much like H.I.V.
Only the virus that I speak of is spelled L. O. V. E.
No meter, dramatic, bad end rhymes... I know, I know..
Hi ryan,
Almost all been said but do watch out for bizarre over-modifiers...benevolent grace, deceitful disgrace ( horrid rhyme), malevolent waste. The padded out lines are always a problem when you don't know what to put in them but have to think of something.
Again, I hear commitment verse. This is my downfall, too. When you have a good idea for an ending you aim for it like a bloody accelerating Exocet...you get there and BANG! It's all over and we are covered in cliche confetti...mixing metaphors is also one of my problems... my back is much better, thank you.
Best,
tectak
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[quote='Ryan_w_r' pid='158109' dateline='1395343882']
A beautiful fallacy woven together with silken strings of white,
Neatly laid across your heart, and stitched on tight punctuation?
A lovely little falsity, better yet, a lovely little fable...
Preying on the minds of the young, the weak, the ready willing and able. ready, willing and able? Seemed odd to me when I read it.
a travesty believed to be a gift from his benevolent grace, Capital A?
A chemical imbalance, an imperfection, a deceitful disgrace.
Do not be fooled by this malevolent waste, love the power of following an idea that is thought to be "benevolent" so closely with the direct antonym of "malevolent waste". Feels a little blunt, but effective.
Free yourself of these lies tight embrace. Lies'?
This lie is a virus passed amongst society much like H.I.V.[/b]
Only the virus that I speak of is spelled L. O. V. E.
This poem has remarkable coherency for a subject matter than can so often descend into ranting angst (excerpts from my personal work prove this). I really enjoyed reading this, keep it up 
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(03-21-2014, 04:31 AM)Ryan_w_r Wrote: A beautiful fallacy woven together with silken strings of white,
Neatly laid across your heart, and stitched on tight
A lovely little falsity, better yet, a lovely little fable...
Preying on the minds of the young, the weak, the ready willing and able.
a travesty believed to be a gift from his benevolent grace,
A chemical imbalance, an imperfection, a deceitful disgrace.
Do not be fooled by this malevolent waste,
Free yourself of these lies tight embrace.
This lie is a virus passed amongst society much like H.I.V.
Only the virus that I speak of is spelled L. O. V. E.
No meter, dramatic, bad end rhymes... I know, I know..
The rhymes could definitely be improved but I really like the content and the overall flow. You're description is also surprisingly good.
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Strong poem, the ending is really cheesey, you shouldn't be spelling out the meaning of your poem. Great read though!
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(03-21-2014, 04:31 AM)Ryan_w_r Wrote: A beautiful fallacy woven together with silken strings of white,
Neatly laid across your heart, and stitched on tight
A lovely little falsity, better yet, a lovely little fable...
Preying on the minds of the young, the weak, the ready willing and able.
a travesty believed to be a gift from his benevolent grace,
A chemical imbalance, an imperfection, a deceitful disgrace.
Do not be fooled by this malevolent waste,
Free yourself of these lies tight embrace.
This lie is a virus passed amongst society much like H.I.V.
Only the virus that I speak of is spelled L. O. V. E.
No meter, dramatic, bad end rhymes... I know, I know.. I would rather compare the idea of “true” love to a religion than a virus.
because you can´t prove love doesn´t exist. it may or may not be a problem believing in it.
still like the words and the content of your poem because if I ignore the last two lines it seems to me an accusation of a fake and romantic love picture.
but maybe this is arrogant of me, because if love is a feeling how could it be described as true or false. there is no true or false hate either. somehow hate is never questioned to be true.
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Firstly, the rhyming scheme alone makes it enjoyable to read,
the usage too of other euphonious effects adds to this, so
all that was left to do was to be as surgical as possible in conveying your message,
and it doesn't get much more sharp than using aids as a metaphor for love.
Well written, good poem, and thanks for sharing - I enjoyed reading.
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Hi Ryan,
I'm way too much a romantic to believe that love is a mere chemical or hormonal imbalance (and if it is, then here's to chemical and hormonal imbalances!!). Other than the last two lines being Real Wisconsin Cheddar, and as much as I disagree with the idea of your poem, nicely done.
nb
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(03-21-2014, 04:31 AM)Ryan_w_r Wrote: A beautiful fallacy woven together with silken strings of white,
Neatly laid across your heart, and stitched on tight
A lovely little falsity, better yet, a lovely little fable...
Preying on the minds of the young, the weak, the ready willing and able.
a travesty believed to be a gift from his benevolent grace,
A chemical imbalance, an imperfection, a deceitful disgrace.
Do not be fooled by this malevolent waste,
Free yourself of these lies tight embrace.
This lie is a virus passed amongst society much like H.I.V.
Only the virus that I speak of is spelled L. O. V. E.
No meter, dramatic, bad end rhymes... I know, I know..
Do not misunderstand; I appreciate anyone who writes. However, this really comes across as pretentious, and the last two lines are a little overdramatic especially. I feel like the message in this writing is largely reactionary instead of substantive. But I'm just an internet stranger.
hestaredattheskyasiftoaskwhy
Unregistered
Nice man, I'd lose some syllables for the sake of flow, though.
"Preying on the minds of the young, the weak, the ready willing and able" could be shortened to "...weak minds of the young, the willing and able."
And "a chemical imbalance, an imperfection, a deceitful disgrace" could be "...an imperfect deceitful disgrace."
I enjoy this piece, I just wanted it to flow more easily. Just my suggestion. I am by no means experienced in poetry.
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Hi, this is my first ever critique. This poem sounds like someone who has been bitten hard by love. Its almost the opposite of a love poem. With love being a predator, a waste or a virus. It seems to me the vibe???( newbie warning) of it is the feeling of one who is smarting from love pain. I really liked the way the words sound together in line 2 and 8. I thought the HIV and the LOVE kind of took away from the rest of the poem. Overall though I enjoyed this different presentation of love.
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