Passing over

[Leanne]

Edit 14/4/14

Why is Jesus on the front page
of today's paper, wearing clown shoes
and holding a sign protesting
against the overuse of onions
in roadside cafes?

Where is his dignity, and where
are his sandals? Someone broke his heart
and sent it to the Antiques Roadshow,
complete with provenance, for gilding and
breakfast on live broadcast. His mother,
meaning well, pulled the splinters from his
palms and left them on her bedside table.

Nobody uses toothpicks anymore.
Whatever is stuck there, stays
rotting for days, until colonisation is complete.
Jesus watches Big Brother as the next reject
talks about things and stuff and the world
keeps going into itself, folding, abysmal.
Trivia is a greasy spoon, an onion Golgotha
and something that once started with R.

evolution


Original version

Why is Jesus on the front page
of today's paper, wearing clown shoes
and holding a sign protesting
against the overuse of onions
in roadside cafes?

Where is his dignity, and where
are his sandals? Someone broke his heart
and sent it to the Antiques Roadshow,
complete with provenance, for gilding and
breakfast on live broadcast. His mother,
meaning well, pulled the splinters from his
palms and left them on her bedside table.

Nobody uses toothpicks anymore. Whatever
is stuck there, stays
rotting for days, until colonisation is complete.
Jesus watches Big Brother as the next
reject talks about things and stuff and
the world keeps going into itself, folding,
abysmal. Trivia is a greasy spoon, an
onion Golgotha and something that once
started with R.

evolution

[Erthona]

Here is my Serious Workshopping critique of this Post, pre-modernist poem thing (wouldn't that make it stream o con just nuts, like "fart of darkness", and "to the whitehouse"?).

I would go line by line but as this is not a linear poem, that would be pointless.

I do have a query on one phrasette:

"the world keeps going into itself, folding, abysmal." Are we talking flag manifold here, cause I'm not all that convinced about string theory (Too many god-damn epicycles, you know), and hasn't this already happened. Plus I thought the only way you could fold abysmal...wait, never mind, that's loop quantum gravity.

Ok, so let's get down to the meat of the passed over thing:
What happened to Can o' Beans, and Dirty Sock, did Jesus eat one and wipe his face with the other? I do know where he got the clown shoes. He beat the shit out of Ronald McDonald who was trying to open a competing business across the Skagit County highway, course Plucky helped cause JC is a bit of a mommy's boy, or was that the other Mary he was shagging?
All in all, I'd say it's just better to passover, pass the blood and flesh please, and remember to splash some above the door
or Samael will drop by and he's such a boor! Now where did I put Bena's magic pen, she'll be really pissed if I lost it again. Damn, that stains never going to come out...it's Turin cloth, well no wonder.

Oh BTW What color are pro-onion ribbons. I bet they're white. Christ, I hope they aren't multilayered, crap, now we're back to string theory.


Dale

[Leanne]

I promise I won't tell Bena if you don't tell Stephen Hawking about all the stuff I misappropriated.

[Erthona]

Oh Stephen is such a wuss, he's always getting his depends in a knot But I promise, Bena gets that glazed over look in her eyes and starts flinging sharp, hurtful phrases everywhere! Damn, I forgot the roasted garlic!

This is much more fun to read and ponder (if it really does have any connection to Tom Robbins, not that it matters because no one is removing seven veils in it), than all that newbie love story list of cliches poems. Can't we get a rule that says they can't post love poetry until they're off newbie restriction? Or at least make them strip while we hurl invectives at them?

Dale

[Leanne]

Nothing would make me happier.

Right. New rule: No love poems until you've at least been laid.

PS. Tom Robbins? I don't get it. Tom Clancy maybe.

[Erthona]

Tom Robbins: "Another Roadside Attraction" plus bits and pieces from his other novels. Just seemed as though you could be referring to that in different places.

Tom Clancy? I don't get that?

Evidently this is an onion revolution which got by me. Oh wait, I did cover that also. when shooting at birds it's best to use small shot, than a cannon, that is if you know it is birds you are shooting at, and not a T Rex. I prefer the shotgun approach as birds are much more likely than T Rex, although in Australia you have a different mind set as everything seems to be trying to kill you there, and I guess you're about as likely to kill yourself while trying to kill what's trying to kill you. (Can you parse that last sentence and let me know if it made any sense?)

Thanks,

Dale

[Truerenigma]

Why is Jesus on the front page
of today's paper, wearing clown shoes
and holding a sign protesting
against the overuse of onions
in roadside cafes?

Where is his dignity, and where
are his sandals? Someone broke his heart
and sent it to the Antiques Roadshow,
complete with provenance, for gilding and
breakfast on live broadcast. His mother,
meaning well, pulled the splinters from his
palms and left them on her bedside table.

Nobody uses toothpicks anymore. Whatever
is stuck there, stays
rotting for days, until colonisation is complete.
Jesus watches Big Brother as the next
reject talks about things and stuff and
the world keeps going into itself, folding,
abysmal. Trivia is a greasy spoon, an
onion Golgotha and something that once
started with R.

evolution

Hi, Leanne. Lovely poem. Trivia and the greasy spoon seem like red herrings and aren't interesting enough to justify their existence, I think. Maybe cutting "trivia is a greasy spoon" and punctuating accordingly then playing with the line break to see if you might like it on onion might be fun - or maybe not.

I almost didn't notice the break on and in S2 on the first read, but then it bothered me on the next few. Now I am ambivalent. The break on "his" seems like it would be much better on splintered and I'm sure you already know all of this I guess so why am I telling you? - whatever you were trying to do there was lost on me.

"things and stuff and" in the same sentence as "the world keeps going into itself, folding,/ abysmal" doesn't mesh very well for me - the shift in tone and abstraction feels clumsy.

Hope that helps.

[Leanne]

"things and stuff" would bother you much more if "trivia is a greasy spoon" was cut. I don't know if the term "greasy spoon" crosses the great dividing waters, but it's a little independent cafe with somewhat less-than-healthy menu options; the kind of once-loved cafe that's being killed off by franchises in much the same way that entertainment is being destroyed by Big Brother, and poetry has been destroyed by Maya Angelou

I'm afraid I couldn't cut any of those things without losing the point of what I'm trying to say. Perhaps the rest of the poem is the red herring.

[Truerenigma]

"things and stuff" would bother you much more if "trivia is a greasy spoon" was cut. I don't know if the term "greasy spoon" crosses the great dividing waters, but it's a little independent cafe with somewhat less-than-healthy menu options; the kind of once-loved cafe that's being killed off by franchises in much the same way that entertainment is being destroyed by Big Brother, and poetry has been destroyed by Maya Angelou

I'm afraid I couldn't cut any of those things without losing the point of what I'm trying to say. Perhaps the rest of the poem is the red herring.

That's fine. I know of a greasy spoon to be a restaurant. Independent, yes, but the connotation I guess is kinda new to me - I guess I just figured it for a term of endearment.

I don't watch Big Brother. I rarely watch t.v. anymore at all (or more like listen).

I wasn't thinking of Big Brother as a show - that's probably why I didn't pick up on "trivia" (I miss it too).

( I think I've just heard "Big Brother" so much that I don't even think of the book anymore - it's been reduced to nothing more than an abstract, two-syllable-shorter synonym for The Establishment. Sad. I've just learned that there is a modern show called Big Brother - kill me now.)

[crow]

Leanne,

The title lets me know what’s going to be happening. There are going to be things that are passed over, and there will be religious ideas. The last line, R. / evolution has both concepts, but adds (at least to my ear) a notion of a skipping record.

Why is Jesus on the front page
of today's paper, wearing clown shoes
and holding a sign protesting
against the overuse of onions
in roadside cafes?

So, who’s the speaker and who’s the addressee? Who’s Jesus, what are onions, what/why are clown shoes, and what/where are roadside cafes? The stanza seems like something from Lewis Carroll, but I’m doubtful this is mere farce. Jesus could be an immigrant laborer protesting the wasteful consumption of ag products? He could also be a Catholic official in funny shoes. I’m going to settle on onions/crying–clown/laughing as orienting features and press on.

Where is his dignity, and where
are his sandals? Someone broke his heart
and sent it to the Antiques Roadshow,
complete with provenance, for gilding and
breakfast on live broadcast. His mother,
meaning well, pulled the splinters from his
palms and left them on her bedside table.

It feels more like Don Quixote than Jesus here. More questions: the speaker and addressee are still open. “Someone” would ordinarily be “every person on earth” when deciding who did a bad thing to Jesus, but here it might be just some idiot, and it might still be open. Because “his” and “mother” aren’t capitalized, I’m thinking “Jesus” is a proxy for “guy who once had dignity.” I’m thrown off by there being splinters in his palms, as it was nails that held him to the cross--so are the splinters from the protest sign?

NOW, if I take a step back and just read the dern thing, I like it. It reminds me of Ginsberg. It’s grandiose and subversive, suggestive and playful. And the mystery of its components heightens my sense of connection to it—it pulls me into the moment and act of reading. The idea that the AR is going to eat his heart works well for me, as does the neglectful mother. And I like the near-incoherence of it all.


Nobody uses toothpicks anymore. Whatever
is stuck there, stays
rotting for days, until colonisation is complete.
Jesus watches Big Brother as the next
reject talks about things and stuff[,?] and
the world keeps going into itself, folding,
abysmal. Trivia is a greasy spoon, an
onion Golgotha[,?] and something that once
started with R.

evolution

So, now the narrator feels like a grandmother—“look at that Jesus, oh, just look at Jesus. Used to be, Jesus had sandals, and dignity, and young people used toothpicks!” I like the contrast of diction registers: stuck, rotting vs. colonisation, complete; things and stuff vs abysmal; greasy spoon vs. Golgotha. The “onion” is now a burial cave . . . I find on etymonline that onion and union are related words . . . Also that trivia was a place where three roads meet.

Two quick checks: abysmal and not abyssal? Also, would “the world keeps folding into itself” work? I’m asking because “going into itself” and “folding” seem redundant, and if they’re not, then I have a hard time imagining the world going into itself and then folding . . . .

As usual, I’m not a heavyweight enough on form, style, or . . . everything else, really . . . to feel confident any response I make will do much good. That said, my macro response is that I really like this Jesus with his focus on a non-problem that no one cares about, who needs his mother to tweezer out his splinters, who’s watching Big Brother distractedly. It reads like a comic strip. I wouldn’t mind if the poem stretched on quite a bit longer. It has gravity and silliness in equal measure, and it was fun to think about!

[Erthona]

"poetry has been destroyed by Maya Angelou " True that!


dale

[Leanne]

Hi crow, nice to see you back again! I only have a couple of minutes but I had to let you know how pleased I was with your reading of this -- what you've extracted from it is largely what I wanted to convey, and that always makes me incredibly happy. Jesus is a friend of mine, an artist recently hospitalised for depression. She didn't make the front page of the paper -- rather, her laundry was aired on Facebook and she was made to look quite the fool. Mum meant well but in that judgmental manner that mums have, ended up making things worse.

Abysmal was a quote, but I did want it associated with the abyss. And her name starts with R. I know these details should not matter and normally I would not make them known, as I dislike leading people on meaning, but I was excited that you were so perceptive

[bena]

I have a post pre-modern poem about Jesus that wasn't nearly as good as this. I was on too many benzos that day. Or maybe not enough. But I enjoyed this nonetheless, fairly pedestrian comment as that may be.

bena

[Leanne]

And such a fair pedestrian you are

[Todd]

Hi Leanne, some comments and impressions for you. I love the title. It feels like it's doing double duty a sort of death and a play on Passover.

Why is Jesus on the front page
of today's paper, wearing clown shoes
and holding a sign protesting
against the overuse of onions
in roadside cafes?

--I know this isn't your intent but I thought of Fred Phelps and Westboro here. It's hard to decide how to read the opening as anything other than farce and enjoyment. The clown shoes and the protest sign make me think more of the trivialities of the followers than Jesus himself. The roadside cafe makes me think of the tent evangelist circuit. Though all of that likely isn't intended. It's a fun opening.

Where is his dignity, and where--great break
are his sandals? Someone broke his heart
and sent it to the Antiques Roadshow,
complete with provenance, for gilding and--I can hear the halting delivery in the "where" break above, still not fond of breaking on "and"
breakfast on live broadcast. His mother,
meaning well, pulled the splinters from his--It's a minimalist crucifixion these days. It is a time of inconvenience and onions (maybe fake tears for a production if you will). There is no cross in this day and age
palms and left them on her bedside table.

Nobody uses toothpicks anymore. Whatever--Nice transition to toothpicks another minimal set of nails
is stuck there, stays
rotting for days, until colonisation is complete.--colonisation is interesting. What two groups are coexisting here? I take this more as bacterial
Jesus watches Big Brother as the next
reject talks about things and stuff and--You know my bias given the comments on the world over and over I'd be tempted to pull those words up
the world keeps going into itself, folding,
abysmal. Trivia is a greasy spoon, an--consider a break on onion. So Trivia has layers. This feels like a jaded Second Coming homage in the way it leads to Golgotha
onion Golgotha and something that once
started with R.At first I thought Redemption, Resurrection, but Revolution, and than dropped R have a nice symmetry.

evolution

Enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

[Leanne]

Many thanks, Todd. I know that bastard Phelps was on my mind when I wrote this as it was only a day or so after his death (or after I read of and celebrated his impending demise, which came nice and quickly), and while that wasn't my primary intent it's no doubt found its way in there.

Just because it makes sense, I will change one "and" break (the last one) but I will keep the first as I want the strongest emphasis on "breakfast" in that line, and I want the previous one to tail off. I'll rearrange that last stanza but I won't break on "onion" as it's important it stay next to Golgotha. Shall play. Merci beaucoup.