Hippy's Sonnet 1

[kindofahippy]

BEANS

1. Of all the fruits, beans by far the most magic:
2. Worshiped plant of vegetarian lore.
3. Though an overdose can be most tragic.
4. Rendering the best of pants the most poor.
5. Indeed the mighty bean's a magic fruit:
6. Nature's panacea, helping with your poop.
7. Mother Invention! How beans create scoots!
8. Furthermore, what is better for one's soup
9. Then a massive bowl moist with beans and rice
10. To provide filling with feeling all night.
11. Saintly legume, such poise and balance nice,
12. Healthy and satisfying all the night.
13. I understand beans make one's belly quake:
14. Find temporal happiness in a milkshake.


Two iambic lines followed by two trochaic lines throughout, in pentameter.

I hate this! Dammit! I wrote a poem I loved, then I had to change every single f-ing line to meet the rules and regulations of formal poetry. L13, I wanted to write stomach, not belly. L5, I wanted to use “Truly” but I can't do that and have a formal, academic, structured, “good” poem. L6, the word “panacea” makes no sense, but I can't use “laxative” like I did at first. It sounds right when I read it out loud, but no, the syllable stress is off. Now I'm ready to go all Dead Poet's Society on you guys. OK, please let me know where this bastard poem misses the mark.

[milo]

BEANS

1. Of all the fruits, beans by far the most magic: ofALL theFRUITS BEANSby FARthe MOSTMAG ic
2. Worshiped plant of vegetarian lore. WOR shippedPLANT ofVEG eTAR ianLORE
3. Though an overdose can be most tragic. THOUGHan Over DOSEcan BEmost TRAgic
4. Rendering the best of pants the most poor. RENder INGthe BESTof PANTSthe MOSTPOOR
5. Indeed the mighty bean's a magic fruit: inDEED theMIGH tyBEAN'S aMAG icFRUIT
6. Nature's panacea, helping with your poop. NATure's paNA ceaHELP ingWITH yourPOOP
7. Mother Invention! How beans create scoots! MOther inVEN tionhowBEANS creATE SCOOTS
8. Furthermore, what is better for one's soup FURthermore WHATis BETter FORone's SOUP
9. Then a massive bowl moist with beans and rice THAN(SP)a MASsive BOWLMOIST withBEANS andRICE
10. To provide filling with feeling all night. toproVIDE FILling withFEEL ingALL NIGHT
11. Saintly legume, such poise and balance nice, SAINTly leGUME suchPOISE andBAL anceNICE
12. Healthy and satisfying all the night. HEALthy andSAT isFY ingallNIGHT
13. I understand beans make one's belly quake: iUN derSTAND beansMAKE one'sBEL lyQUAKE
14. Find temporal happiness in a milkshake. findTEM poralHAP piNESS inaMILK SHAKE

ok, I did the diagram. What you want is for every foot to read daDUM, hard syl's being capitallized.

A line of IP reads daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM. Everywhere I diagrammed something different, try to replace the foot.

Good luck.

[Erthona]

Oh good, milo's done all the heavy lifting, so I can just blather on as I usually do.

"a formal, academic, structured, “good” poem."

You can have a formal, structured, poem, that is not good. (I don't see what academics has to do with it.) I have written poems that were technically correct and still stunk. Scansion is hardly academically derived, but if you have no way to check what you have, how do you know what it is you have. Yes, certain forms follow certain patterns. Do not be frustrated with yourself, it takes people years to learn this, poetry is not an easy thing (Just wait tell milo tells you about beat or pulse, you'll really scream).

On academics: Academicians are very good at creating rules about something they know little about. (C .S. Lewis excepted.) Fortunately, academia has a self-correcting mechanism not unlike Wikipedia. Unfortunately, the self-correcting mechanism in academia works much more slowly and is powered by egoism. I had just started at a University. A nun, who also was a teacher there came charging up to me and said, "Well have they taught you that all cultures are equally valid. I wanted to ask her if this applied to the Jaweed culture in Darfur that condoned raping girls under the age of 12 by thirty something years old men? For once I did the "right" thing and remained silent.

chin up,


Dale

[kindofahippy]

milo, Erthona, thanks for your advice. I'm sorry for being pissy. I guess if I practice enough, I can write a good sonnet or triolet or whatsit without throwing away my original poem.

Spending less time playing video games would probably help.

[ellajam]

Hi, hippy, I don't think you did yourself any favors by trying to alternate meters. It's hard enough to pick one and get it right.

Stomach and belly both accent the first syllable, I don't get why you had to switch.

Try reading a poem that you know is IP over and over before starting yours, it will get the rhythm into your head. Try again.

BEANS

1. Of all the fruits, beans by far the most magic:
2. Worshiped plant of vegetarian lore.
3. Though an overdose can be most tragic.
4. Rendering the best of pants the most poor.
5. Indeed the mighty bean's a magic fruit:
6. Nature's panacea, helping with your poop.
7. Mother Invention! How beans create scoots!
8. Furthermore, what is better for one's soup
9. Then a massive bowl moist with beans and rice
10. To provide filling with feeling all night.
11. Saintly legume, such poise and balance nice,
12. Healthy and satisfying all the night.
13. I understand beans make one's belly quake:
14. Find temporal happiness in a milkshake.


Two iambic lines followed by two trochaic lines throughout, in pentameter.

I hate this! Dammit! I wrote a poem I loved, then I had to change every single f-ing line to meet the rules and regulations of formal poetry. L13, I wanted to write stomach, not belly. L5, I wanted to use “Truly” but I can't do that and have a formal, academic, structured, “good” poem. L6, the word “panacea” makes no sense, but I can't use “laxative” like I did at first. It sounds right when I read it out loud, but no, the syllable stress is off. Now I'm ready to go all Dead Poet's Society on you guys. OK, please let me know where this bastard poem misses the mark.

[Erthona]

BTW Sonnets with this rhyme pattern are generally written in iambic pentameter(IP), why in the world would you put two lines of trochee in every other set of double lines. Did someone tell you that is what a sonnet is? If so you should go and beat them soundly. Oh yes, not getting to use words you want is par for the course with sonnets.

Sonnet writers must be cleaver
to finish their endeavors.

Dale