One day Tucker decided to say not the opposite but not quite
how he felt,
and when somebody asked him if he was tired,
and he was, to say
"Yep" in a good-natured tone instead of a sympathetic one.
Also it was that time of the year that time
when daddy started to leave food in the microwave he'd put in there
till it had got cold, and wouldn't even remember to get it
after he went in the room to watch tv.
He'd go to bed without remembering what he warmed up.
It was funny and painful for Tucker,
having graduated high school then lost his first girl
and his first job in the same month.
What was even worse was that Desiree, his sister,
was somehow scarred for life
by something she got from a tick bite.
But that wasn't all . . .
"It was a 'roaring success'; I mean, 'a foreign distress,'
the doctor said. I always get those mixed up."
Was what mama said, back from to see the doctor
with D.
"We spent about a whole mile just trying remember
what he said."
That's what she continued to say.
When daddy got home that night,
he didn't like it;
so they had to hear about it.
After he was drunk,
he came out and said the exact same things over again
only meaner this time.
When Tucker was 13 or so, and Frankie wasn't around,
he and the older boys would stay out
all night in the woods,
playing war. And it was Tucker's favorite game,
as he didn't find anything quite as fun before or since;
though he always had to worry,
thinking daddy was going to kill mama and the little ones
since daddy was so mad and drunk and always breaking things,
might as soon break a person,
Tucker thought,
with his anxiety disorder.
So he could never really enjoy his favorite game
that few times he got to play it.
They'd use walkie talkies and walk around.
He hoped he wasn't too old
to ever do that again.
And maybe next time be allowed to enjoy it.
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Threads: 9
Joined: Apr 2014
(04-10-2014, 12:07 AM)rowens Wrote: One day Tucker decided to say not the opposite but not quite
how he felt,
and when somebody asked him if he was tired,
and he was, to say
"Yep" in a good-natured tone instead of a sympathetic one.
Also it was that time of the year that time
when daddy started to leave food in the microwave he'd put in there
till it had got cold, and wouldn't even remember to get it
after he went in the room to watch tv.
He'd go to bed without remembering what he warmed up.
It was funny and painful for Tucker,
having graduated high school then lost his first girl
and his first job in the same month.
What was even worse was that Desiree, his sister,
was somehow scarred for life
by something she got from a tick bite.
But that wasn't all . . .
"It was a 'roaring success'; I mean, 'a foreign distress,'
the doctor said. I always get those mixed up."
Was what mama said, back from to see the doctor
with D.
"We spent about a whole mile just trying remember
what he said."
That's what she continued to say.
When daddy got home that night,
he didn't like it;
so they had to hear about it.
After he was drunk,
he came out and said the exact same things over again
only meaner this time.
When Tucker was 13 or so, and Frankie wasn't around,
he and the older boys would stay out
all night in the woods,
playing war. And it was Tucker's favorite game,
as he didn't find anything quite as fun before or since;
though he always had to worry,
thinking daddy was going to kill mama and the little ones
since daddy was so mad and drunk and always breaking things,
might as soon break a person,
Tucker thought,
with his anxiety disorder.
So he could never really enjoy his favorite game
that few times he got to play it.
They'd use walkie talkies and walk around.
He hoped he wasn't too old
to ever do that again.
And maybe next time be allowed to enjoy it. That poor family, sounds like they were all turned inside out and backwards. 
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
It's good to get an up date on Tucker, I hope he is getting enough to drink so he doesn't have to think on how his sister is scarred for live and all, I guess you have to admit that's sort of funny. I was hoping that his drinking would get him get him over his anxiety disorder so he could play his favorite game, cause you know it's never to late to be bitten by a deer tick.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
There are more poems than this. But the family don't want too much exposure. So if none of yous like what I'm displaying, why else should I tell? This happened on the VA NC border.
Posts: 100
Threads: 16
Joined: Nov 2013
Hey rowens,
Fine work here.
Whats good?
This a grim tale, and personally when reading difficult subjects I find myself affected but then somehow repressive. Subconsciously I don't want to carry that weight so discard it.
But by not telling this in an overly harrowing manner, and allowing great characters (in particular Tucker) to provide the insight, you've it more digestible and I've found myself mulling it much more than I ordinarily would something on this subject.
Speaking of characters, your dialogue excellently presents the personalities.
That said, I feel like you have missed some opportunities to give them more physical form or to present the scenes more definitely. (I've noted a couple of the points where I felt this below).
Finally, there is redundancy sprinkled throughout here that will undoubtedly irk some people, but from my POV its mostly at home with the rambling colloquial style and doesn't take away for me.
Looking forward to any edits,
(04-10-2014, 12:07 AM)rowens Wrote: One day Tucker decided to say not the opposite but not quite
how he felt,
and when somebody asked him if he was tired,
and he was, to say There's something off in the conjugation here that I can't put my finger on. Should be "said" i think as this is independent of "decided" at this point, if that makes any sense... 
"Yep" in a good-natured tone instead of a sympathetic one.
Also it was that time of the year that time
when daddy started to leave food in the microwave he'd put in there
till it had got cold, and wouldn't even remember to get it
after he went in the room to watch tv. I want more from this scene to bring the father into focus, how did he go? how did he watch TV?
He'd go to bed without remembering what he warmed up.
Id prefer forgetting here, has a wider connotation in the piece for me.
It was funny and painful for Tucker,
having graduated high school then lost his first girl
and his first job in the same month.
What was even worse was that Desiree, his sister,
was somehow scarred for life
by something she got from a tick bite. Here again, show me something of Desiree
But that wasn't all . . .
"It was a 'roaring success'; I mean, 'a foreign distress,'
the doctor said. I always get those mixed up."
Was what mama said, back from to see the doctor
with D. I love these three lines, "back from to see" is just great
"We spent about a whole mile just trying remember
what he said."
That's what she continued to say.
When daddy got home that night,
he didn't like it;
so they had to hear about it.
After he was drunk,
he came out and said the exact same things over again
only meaner this time.
When Tucker was 13 or so, and Frankie wasn't around,
he and the older boys would stay out
all night in the woods,
playing war. And it was Tucker's favorite game,
as he didn't find anything quite as fun before or since;
though he always had to worry,
thinking daddy was going to kill mama and the little ones
since daddy was so mad and drunk and always breaking things,
might as soon break a person, this for me is the heart of the piece, but again I want more from it. What things? Breaking how?
The right verb with the right object here (or prop if you will) could add tremendous depth. Id suggest moving the line break to "breaking" and adding another line; something like,
"since daddy was so mad and drunk and always breaking
things like cracked plates or three legged stool;
might as soon break a person."
Please forgive the rewrite, my opinion only obviously
Tucker thought,
with his anxiety disorder.
So he could never really enjoy his favorite game
that few times he got to play it.
They'd use walkie talkies and walk around.
He hoped he wasn't too old
to ever do that again.
And maybe next time be allowed to enjoy it.
thanks again, t
There are other parts of this already posted. And other parts not posted. Other poems posted, beginning the story, and other parts not posted, continuing the story.
As it goes on, it explains more, but the language becomes less, a little, less negotiable.
But that you looked at it, and looked into it, gives me more incentive to post the other parts. It shows you took the time enough to wonder what was going on.
But, now, if you don't want to read any more after this, and after what I said, just now, about this, I'll take that into consideration too.
If you already knew about the other poems about these people before this, you can say that too.
But some of this was supposed to irk people, because it irks me.
Then there are the other parts I wrote weeks ago. Some of them drunk, and all of them desperate.
Posts: 100
Threads: 16
Joined: Nov 2013
(04-15-2014, 10:00 AM)rowens Wrote: There are other parts of this already posted. And other parts not posted. Other poems posted, beginning the story, and other parts not posted, continuing the story.
As it goes on, it explains more, but the language becomes less, a little, less negotiable.
But that you looked at it, and looked into it, gives me more incentive to post the other parts. It shows you took the time enough to wonder what was going on.
But, now, if you don't want to read any more after this, and after what I said, just now, about this, I'll take that into consideration too.
If you already knew about the other poems about these people before this, you can say that too.
But some of this was supposed to irk people, because it irks me.
Then there are the other parts I wrote weeks ago. Some of them drunk, and all of them desperate.
I was completely unaware Rowens. And I try to avoid previous comments before posting thoughts so as not to bias myself.
There was a note of foolishness after posting and finding the wider context.
Either way, I enjoyed it. Do what you will with the feedback. 
There are the other poems, and the further ones. Whatever you want to say about any of them is fine with me. They're all coming out of a desperate, nonsensical foolishness which means more to me than money or sex or God in Heaven. So if you have something to say, that's an incentive, as I say, a positive incentive for me. And God in Heaven is hopefully listening.
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