This Old Man

[71degrees]

An old man, his stiff collar;
he moves from room to room,
placing his hands on worn spots
about the apartment: arm chair,
orange doily, night shirt, edges
of a black-and-white
photo of his father

His father read meters
for the electric company
door-to-door, an honest wife
rubbed his feet at night,
soles worn by the miles

spring, summer, autumn, winter
rain, children, geese, steam trains

street cars, family picnics, weddings
family portraits, funeral snow

All these both have lived,
in all the rooms, the worn places,
the moons and soon everything
people remember so fondly

Revision

This Old Man

The way he moves
from room to room,
placing hands on worn spots

arm chair, orange doily,
night shirt, edges
of the only photo
he has of his father

The older father read meters
for the electric company,
door-to-door, an honest wife
rubbed his feet at night,
soles worn by the miles

spring, summer
autumn, winter
rains, geese,
children, trains
family picnics
street shows
weddings
funeral snows

And here he is
and there he goes,
both will leave
the world
as they found it—
hearts divided,
words on paper,
everything people
might remember fondly

[tectak]

An old man, his stiff collar; Over perfunctory and concatenated. An old man and his collar what? He moves, you say, from room to room, but imply his collar does not. The phrasing is a little "stage direction" and it does not do what it sets out to do. I assume you ARE setting the scene?Just a tweak would do it and you can
he moves from room to room,
placing his hands on worn spots
about the apartment: arm chair, Nested colons and semicolons are grammatically difficult to reconcile. With very few exceptions ( modern novelists get away with murder) a period is needed somewhere. An old man in a stiff collar, moves from room to room. He places hands on worn spots; arm chair, night shirt, orange doily, edges of a picture in black and white. His father. Your poem
orange doily, night shirt, edges
of a black-and-white
photo of his father

His father read meters
for the electric company comma
door-to-door, an honest wife Period after door
rubbed his feet at night,
soles worn by the miles Period

spring, summer, autumn, winterCapital Spring. It is in another stanza, after all
rain, children, geese, steam trains

street cars, family picnics, weddings Mind the gap. Why do this? It is a grouped list. So group it.
family portraits, funeral snowPeriod. What is funeral snow? Is it like black confetti?

All these both have lived, AAARrGggH ! All these both???Have you proof read this? "Through all these cameos, both have lived.."
in all the rooms, the worn places, All, all. Get rid of the first all. "in every room, the worn places"...shit, there goes the second one. All gone.
the moons and soon everything Gobbledygook to the finish. The rush for the tape. The end needs work. In spite of what you may have heard, the last impression often lasts longest.

people remember so fondly

Hi 71,
I know what you are trying to do and I like it but you can polish this on your own. It is almost there but you rushed it and missed some bits.
Best,
tectak

[71degrees]

An old man, his stiff collar; Over perfunctory and concatenated. An old man and his collar what? He moves, you say, from room to room, but imply his collar does not. The phrasing is a little "stage direction" and it does not do what it sets out to do. I assume you ARE setting the scene?Just a tweak would do it and you can
he moves from room to room,
placing his hands on worn spots
about the apartment: arm chair, Nested colons and semicolons are grammatically difficult to reconcile. With very few exceptions ( modern novelists get away with murder) a period is needed somewhere. An old man in a stiff collar, moves from room to room. He places hands on worn spots; arm chair, night shirt, orange doily, edges of a picture in black and white. His father. Your poem
orange doily, night shirt, edges
of a black-and-white
photo of his father

His father read meters
for the electric company comma
door-to-door, an honest wife Period after door
rubbed his feet at night,
soles worn by the miles Period

spring, summer, autumn, winterCapital Spring. It is in another stanza, after all
rain, children, geese, steam trains

street cars, family picnics, weddings Mind the gap. Why do this? It is a grouped list. So group it.
family portraits, funeral snowPeriod. What is funeral snow? Is it like black confetti?

All these both have lived, AAARrGggH ! All these both???Have you proof read this? "Through all these cameos, both have lived.."
in all the rooms, the worn places, All, all. Get rid of the first all. "in every room, the worn places"...shit, there goes the second one. All gone.
the moons and soon everything Gobbledygook to the finish. The rush for the tape. The end needs work. In spite of what you may have heard, the last impression often lasts longest.

people remember so fondly

Hi 71,
I know what you are trying to do and I like it but you can polish this on your own. It is almost there but you rushed it and missed some bits.
Best,
tectak

Lots of grammatical things here to look through. Thanks. I shall tweak away. Even through all the shit and gobbledygook and last impressions that I may or may not have heard, I'm glad you like it. I agree the end needs work. This is progress.

[ChristopherSea]

Your title could serve as the first line of your poem, avoiding the this old man/an old man juxtaposition. Perhaps 'stiff as his collar' would serve your piece better. Without the white space and a bit more elongation that list string could illustrate those shoe worn miles (serving as the road). Is that a typo in the close? Would, 'All of these have lived' read any better for you? See what you think, thanks for the post.