Lover Under Construction

[ChristopherSea]

final

Lover under Construction

I could try to build a lover
in the garden shed
from my nursery of botanicals
and a chattering of doves.
Should I go exclusively vegetable,
employing sap and cellulose
or fuse animal with spiritual
using milk and aureoles.

I’ve amassed a muddle of body bags,
an archive of Da Vinci drafts,
but Mona Lisa was truly homely,
the Vetruvian Man, deformed.
I had considered going Hollywood,
hoarding silicon and celluloid,
but Monroe was unreliable
and Taylor, much too hyped.

It takes decades to build pyramids,
longer molding perfect breasts,
millennia to ensnare that nebula
of intellect, thought and mood.
I should pinch that cheeky moon
from beneath the black skirt of night,
use Orion’s Belt to cinch her in,
a skein of storks to crochet legs,

as peerless as Homer’s epic,
like Calypso’s lissome limbs,
pacing caverns with the task
of recreating Odysseus.

-------------------------------------------------
(jeremy/Dale/tectak edit3&4) Thank you

Lover under Construction

I could try to build a lover
in the garden shed
from my nursery of botanicals
and a chattering of doves.
Should I go exclusively vegetable,
employing sap and cellulose
or fuse animal with spiritual
using milk and aureoles.

I’ve amassed a muddle of body bags,
an archive of Da Vinci drafts,
but Mona Lisa was truly homely,
the Vetruvian Man, deformed.
I had considered going Hollywood,
hoarding silicon and celluloid,
but Monroe was unreliable
and Taylor, much too hyped.

It takes decades to build pyramids,
longer molding perfect breasts,
millennia to ensnare that nebula
of intellect, thought and mood.
I should pinch that cheeky moon
from beneath the black skirt of night,
use Orion’s Belt to cinch her in,
a skein of storks to crochet legs,

as peerless as Homer’s epic,
like Calypso’s lissome limbs,
pacing caverns with the task
of recreating Odysseus.


---------------------------------------------------
(jeremy/Dale edit2) Much obliged!

Lover Under Construction

I could try to build another lover
inside the garden shed
from my nursery of botanicals
and a chattering of doves.
Should I go exclusively vegetable,
employing sap and cellulose
or fuse animal with spiritual
using milk and aureoles.

I’ve amassed a muddle of body bags,
an archive of Da Vinci drafts,
but Mona Lisa was truly homely,
the Vetruvian Man's deformed.
I had considered going Hollywood,
hoarding silicon and celluloid,
yet Monroe was unreliable
and Taylor, much too hyped.

It takes decades to build pyramids,
longer molding perfect breasts,
millennia to ensnare that nebula
of intellect, thought and mood.

I should pinch that cheeky moon
from beneath the black skirt of night,
use Orion’s Belt to cinch her in,
a skein of storks to crochet legs
as peerless as Homer’s epic,
like Calypso’s lissome limbs,
pacing caverns with the task
of recreating Odysseus.


----------------------------------------------
Lover Under Construction

I could try to build another lover
inside the garden shed
from a nursery of botanicals
and chattering of doves.

Should I go exclusively vegetable,
using sap and cellulose
or altogether animal
with milk and aureoles?

I’ve amassed a muddle of body bags,
an archive of Da Vinci drafts,
but Mona Lisa was truly homely,
the Vetruvian Man's deformed.

I’ve considered going Hollywood,
hoarding silicon and celluloid,
but Monroe was unreliable
and Taylor, much too hyped.

It takes decades to build pyramids,
longer molding perfect breasts,
millennia to ensnare that nebula
of intellect, thought and mood.

I should pinch that cheeky moon
from beneath the black skirt of midnight,
use Orion’s Belt to cinch her in,
a skein of storks to crochet legs,

as peerless as Homer’s epic,
like Calypso’s lissome limbs,
pacing caverns while at task
rebuilding Odysseus.

[jeremyyoung]

For some reason I keep wanting to read 'aureoles' as whatever those biscuits are called. And I am assuming you don't mean areola - in fact I hope you don't as aureoles is the perfect word.

I'm intrigued by the use of 'another' in the first line, as it implies you have done this before.

On first reading the dissonance is a little off putting, there are rhythms in the first two lines of each stanza that lead one - me - to expect things to be be there in the third, but they are not. And instead we get almost the opposite. Which is nice. It plays with the platonic conception of what this lover should be - you are not after perfection - in some sense you are pointedly rejecting perfect.

For me, I'd drop the question mark, look at the 'but' beginning L3 in successive stanzas.

But beyond that I am loathe to go in specific advice.

[ChristopherSea]

Specifics are not a problem for me Jeremy, even if not used, they illustrate alternatives which is always welcome. Yes, I have played with those aureoles too, the milk and cookies, the play on areolas, as well as halos and those cloud-like glows around religious works are called the same. 'Another' does apply to back to the drawing board. The but/but and I've/I've both glare out at me as well. I will take a look at them and find alternatives.

Dissonance is me forte. The way the lines were designed to read were: ideas/but how do I address them? design approaches/anticipated construction problems (it's not easy to design a lover). This more that likely results in the effect you noticed. I am a bit deaf, dumb and blind when it comes to meter. I just sound it out in my own cranium's theater and the acoustics are poor there.

Thank you very much for reading this and sharing your impressions. Your advice will be considered as usual and any unvoiced opinions or specifics are encouraged, should you care to stop back.

[ChristopherSea]

(jeremy edit1) version is posted. Thanks for the valuable input!

[John Galt]

Hello Chris, my first thought was that a lot of the poem could be cut.

The observations about Mona lisa, V- man, Monroe, and Taylor were a distraction for me, as were the people, painting and v-man himself.

The use of "muddle" for the collection of "body bags" did not work for me, but the idea behind why you have the body bags is great.

The whole of V6 did not work for me, It just does not seem to fit with the rest.

I am still thinking on the last verse, I like the "cavern resonating with the shed.

Regards. JG

[John Galt]

Hiya Chris. Thank you JG.
Your piece inspired the idea for my found poem.

[ChristopherSea]

Hiya Chris. Thank you JG.
Your piece inspired the idea for my found poem.

Great , I used to do found pieces comprised with other poet's titles. It is quite the challenge.

---

Hello Chris, my first thought was that a lot of the poem could be cut.

The observations about Mona lisa, V- man, Monroe, and Taylor were a distraction for me, as were the people, painting and v-man himself.

The use of "muddle" for the collection of "body bags" did not work for me, but the idea behind why you have the body bags is great.

The whole of V6 did not work for me, It just does not seem to fit with the rest.

I am still thinking on the last verse, I like the "cavern resonating with the shed.

Regards. JG

Thanks for stopping by to read and share your critique. I don't have plans to cut anything from the piece. I think it has the right progression, i.e. :
1) need to build a lover
2) what materials to choose
3&4) what blue print to use (classic artist or Hollywood icon)
5) the work, effort, time required
6) why not the ethereal/goddess ideal?
7) a goddess struggles with the same problem!

I chose 'muddle' for alliteration with 'amass' and to contrast 'archive.' I will mull over that muddle. Cheers/Chris

[Erthona]

Hello Chris, my first thought was why is this lined out like t is in meter when it is not? This would work well with ballad or common meter, so I rewrote some of the stanzas in something resembling meter, although it is just accentual, rhyming lines 2 and 4. You were part way there already, so why not. If you don't want to use a formal verse form, then I would suggest longer lines (The following is an example, a bad one, not a suggestion, plus you told me it was OK to rewrite your stuff if need be. Need be!).

I could try to build a lover
inside the garden shed
from all of these botanicals
and doves to fill the head.

Should I try only vegetables,
just sap and cellulose
or animal with spiritual
milk and aureoles.

I’ve amassed some body bags,
and complete Da Vinci drafts,
Mona Lisa truly ugly,
Vitruvius was daft.

I‘d considered going Hollywood,
celluloid and silicon,
Monroe was not reliable
and Taylor wasn’t home.

It takes years to build a pyramid,
more so perfect breasts,
This is as far as I got, so
you can do the rest!

Hopefully it will allow you to compare and contrast with what you already have.

dale

[ChristopherSea]

Hello Chris, my first thought was why is this lined out like t is in meter when it is not? This would work well with ballad or common meter, so I rewrote some of the stanzas in something resembling meter, although it is just accentual, rhyming lines 2 and 4. You were part way there already, so why not. If you don't want to use a formal verse form, then I would suggest longer lines (The following is an example, a bad one, not a suggestion, plus you told me it was OK to rewrite your stuff if need be. Need be!).

I could try to build a lover
inside the garden shed
from all of these botanicals
and doves to fill the head.

Should I try only vegetables,
just sap and cellulose
or animal with spiritual
milk and aureoles.

I’ve amassed some body bags,
and complete Da Vinci drafts,
Mona Lisa truly ugly,
Vitruvius was daft.

I‘d considered going Hollywood,
celluloid and silicon,
Monroe was not reliable
and Taylor wasn’t home.

It takes years to build a pyramid,
more so perfect breasts,
This is as far as I got, so
you can do the rest!

Hopefully it will allow you to compare and contrast with what you already have.

dale

Thanks for the read and your time on this Dale. My answer to your query is that it was written this way as a normal progression of the 'build' process, as I explained to JohnGalt above. It also seemed to flow in the quasi-quatrain form and my preferred line breaks shuffled into those four line stacks. Your trend towards rhyming comes naturally, while mine is more spontaneous and random. Nonetheless, I will consider your suggestion, much obliged for the illustration as well.

I did take your rhyming advice for 'Avant-Garde-n' and it turned out well. However, when I did the same with 'Pitchman...' (version2), Tom was not impressed. I still managed to lighten the tenor in the free verse version1 as you suggested.

I appreciate your look and opinions. Thank you!/Chris

[crow]

Is this helpful?

https://db.tt/pMVIpZlk

It's a crappy reading, but maybe it'll be useful.

[ChristopherSea]

Is this helpful?

https://db.tt/pMVIpZlk

It's a crappy reading, but maybe it'll be useful.

Crow, Thanks for looking the poem over, especially if you recorded a reading of it. Unfortunately, the link comes up with an error from this end./Chris

[tectak]

Is this helpful?

https://db.tt/pMVIpZlk

It's a crappy reading, but maybe it'll be useful.

Crow, Thanks for looking the poem over, especially if you recorded a reading of it. Unfortunately, the link comes up with an error from this end./Chris

Hi Chris,
Have you put this one to bed? I don't want to wake it if is sleeping peacefully but there are one or two nits that you could say need a scratch...or I could, rather. I refer, of course, to edit 2.
Get back,
tectak

[ChristopherSea]

Is this helpful?

https://db.tt/pMVIpZlk

It's a crappy reading, but maybe it'll be useful.

Crow, Thanks for looking the poem over, especially if you recorded a reading of it. Unfortunately, the link comes up with an error from this end./Chris

Hi Chris,
Have you put this one to bed? I don't want to wake it if is sleeping peacefully but there are one or two nits that you could say need a scratch...or I could, rather. I refer, of course, to edit 2.
Get back,
tectak

No Tom, it is as wide awake as I am. Any comments or nit-picks are welcome. Thanks for the look and offer./Chris

[tectak]

(jeremy/Dale edit2) Much obliged!
Hi Chris,
this is goodenough so all my nits are small. I am not LOOKING for problems but some just peep at me. Meter in this is really not of the essence because the words are so good...that is about the only time I say that So.
Lover Under Construction

I could try to build another loverI could try to build a lover
inside the garden shedin the garden shed Why the change? Because we are unsure whether you are building ANOTHER lover (as you have already built one) or you are building another LOVER to supplement/replace the one you have but did not necessarily build. I don't like uncertainty because whichever way it swings form now on will mean I need to keep checking. This was the first thing that rankled...but not a lot
from my nursery of botanicals
and a chattering of doves. See. Such good word control. Envy
Should I go exclusively vegetable,
employing sap and cellulose
or fuse animal with spiritual
using milk and aureoles. How I like this. It is a metaphoric leap into the unknown but the imagery holds like bungee and I am hoist aloft again.

I’ve amassed a muddle of body bags,
an archive of Da Vinci drafts,
but Mona Lisa was truly homely,
the Vetruvian Man's deformed. You could get away with the statemental " the Vetruvian Man, deformed". I have to negotiate "...Man's deformed" though it is not wrong. I just think my way is righter...your poem as AIO
I had considered going Hollywood,
hoarding silicon and celluloid,
yet Monroe was unreliable If you must....though "but" not "yet" as going to Hollywood is not a causitive exception...so it needs no pensive consideration. If you use "but" you are back on track with the "I had considered going to Hollywood, da-dee da-dee-da de da-dee-da, BUT..."
and Taylor, much too hyped.

It takes decades to build pyramids,
longer molding perfect breasts,
millennia to ensnare that nebula Clever enjambment but not convincingly deliberate...you are that good!
of intellect, thought and mood.

I should pinch that cheeky moon
from beneath the black skirt of night,
use Orion’s Belt to cinch her in,
a skein of storks to crochet legs Very nice texture. Worthy
as peerless as Homer’s epic,
like Calypso’s lissome limbs,
pacing caverns with the task
of recreating Odysseus.

You know this is good so I will shut up.
Best,
tectak
----------------------------------------------
Lover Under Construction

I could try to build another lover
inside the garden shed
from a nursery of botanicals
and chattering of doves.

Should I go exclusively vegetable,
using sap and cellulose
or altogether animal
with milk and aureoles?

I’ve amassed a muddle of body bags,
an archive of Da Vinci drafts,
but Mona Lisa was truly homely,
the Vetruvian Man's deformed.

I’ve considered going Hollywood,
hoarding silicon and celluloid,
but Monroe was unreliable
and Taylor, much too hyped.

It takes decades to build pyramids,
longer molding perfect breasts,
millennia to ensnare that nebula
of intellect, thought and mood.

I should pinch that cheeky moon
from beneath the black skirt of midnight,
use Orion’s Belt to cinch her in,
a skein of storks to crochet legs

as peerless as Homer’s epic,
like Calypso’s lissome limbs,
pacing caverns while at task
rebuilding Odysseus.

[ChristopherSea]

Thank you kindly Tom. Your critique, queries and recommendations may well be what I need to polish off this poem. Yes, the 'another' is a quandary. I left it open as to whether replacing one that left or building the ideal after previous failures. If confusing, it is better swept away, as it is probably superfluous to the poem. I like 'Vetruvian man, deformed' too. Somehow, most don't see the flaw in LDV's cadaver that was clearly 'club-footed' as the turned out leg reveals. I edited the first draft 'but' to that 'yet' just because of the 'but-but' in two consecutive stanzas, 'but' it can go back.

I will proceed with this next edit once I draft my NapM #15. This 30-day challenge is consuming every snippet, fragmented poetry, unfinished tome and future idea that I have on paper or in my head.

Most appreciative of your read and help, my poetic master and commander. /Chris

[ChristopherSea]

jeremy/Dale/tectak edit3 is posted. Thank you for the feedback./Chris

[tectak]

(jeremy/Dale/tectak edit3) Thank you

Lover under Construction

I could try to build a lover
in the garden shed
from my nursery of botanicals
and a chattering of doves.
Should I go exclusively vegetable,
employing sap and cellulose
or fuse animal with spiritual
using milk and aureoles.

I’ve amassed a muddle of body bags,
an archive of Da Vinci drafts,
but Mona Lisa was truly homely,
the Vetruvian Man, deformed.
I had considered going Hollywood,
hoarding silicon and celluloid,
but Monroe was unreliable
and Taylor, much too hyped.

It takes decades to build pyramids,
longer molding perfect breasts,
millennia to ensnare that nebula
of intellect, thought and mood.

I should pinch that cheeky moon
from beneath the black skirt of night,
use Orion’s Belt to cinch her in,
a skein of storks to crochet legs
as peerless as Homer’s epic,
like Calypso’s lissome limbs,
pacing caverns with the task
of recreating Odysseus.


---------------------------------------------------
(jeremy/Dale edit2) Much obliged!

Lover Under Construction

I could try to build another lover
inside the garden shed
from my nursery of botanicals
and a chattering of doves.
Should I go exclusively vegetable,
employing sap and cellulose
or fuse animal with spiritual
using milk and aureoles.

I’ve amassed a muddle of body bags,
an archive of Da Vinci drafts,
but Mona Lisa was truly homely,
the Vetruvian Man's deformed.
I had considered going Hollywood,
hoarding silicon and celluloid,
yet Monroe was unreliable
and Taylor, much too hyped.

It takes decades to build pyramids,
longer molding perfect breasts,
millennia to ensnare that nebula
of intellect, thought and mood.

I should pinch that cheeky moon
from beneath the black skirt of night,
use Orion’s Belt to cinch her in,
a skein of storks to crochet legs
as peerless as Homer’s epic,
like Calypso’s lissome limbs,
pacing caverns with the task
of recreating Odysseus.


----------------------------------------------
Lover Under Construction

I could try to build another lover
inside the garden shed
from a nursery of botanicals
and chattering of doves.

Should I go exclusively vegetable,
using sap and cellulose
or altogether animal
with milk and aureoles?

I’ve amassed a muddle of body bags,
an archive of Da Vinci drafts,
but Mona Lisa was truly homely,
the Vetruvian Man's deformed.

I’ve considered going Hollywood,
hoarding silicon and celluloid,
but Monroe was unreliable
and Taylor, much too hyped.

It takes decades to build pyramids,
longer molding perfect breasts,
millennia to ensnare that nebula
of intellect, thought and mood.

I should pinch that cheeky moon
from beneath the black skirt of midnight,
use Orion’s Belt to cinch her in,
a skein of storks to crochet legs

as peerless as Homer’s epic,
like Calypso’s lissome limbs,
pacing caverns while at task
rebuilding Odysseus.

Excellent edit 3....but I would say that. No, very much your poem. Watch out for gappy stanza breaks. S6-7 breaks a mould. That is all.
Best,
tectak

[tectak]

Thank you kindly Tom. Your critique, queries and recommendations may well be what I need to polish off this poem. Yes, the 'another' is a quandary. I left it open as to whether replacing one that left or building the ideal after previous failures. If confusing, it is better swept away, as it is probably superfluous to the poem. I like 'Vetruvian man, deformed' too. Somehow, most don't see the flaw in LDV's cadaver that was clearly 'club-footed' as the turned out leg reveals. I edited the first draft 'but' to that 'yet' just because of the 'but-but' in two consecutive stanzas, 'but' it can go back.

I will proceed with this next edit once I draft my NapM #15. This 30-day challenge is consuming every snippet, fragmented poetry, unfinished tome and future idea that I have on paper or in my head.

Most appreciative of your read and help, my poetic master and commander. /Chris

Creep.
tectak

[ChristopherSea]

(jeremy/Dale/tectak edit3) Thank you

Lover under Construction

I could try to build a lover
in the garden shed
from my nursery of botanicals
and a chattering of doves.
Should I go exclusively vegetable,
employing sap and cellulose
or fuse animal with spiritual
using milk and aureoles.

I’ve amassed a muddle of body bags,
an archive of Da Vinci drafts,
but Mona Lisa was truly homely,
the Vetruvian Man, deformed.
I had considered going Hollywood,
hoarding silicon and celluloid,
but Monroe was unreliable
and Taylor, much too hyped.

It takes decades to build pyramids,
longer molding perfect breasts,
millennia to ensnare that nebula
of intellect, thought and mood.

I should pinch that cheeky moon
from beneath the black skirt of night,
use Orion’s Belt to cinch her in,
a skein of storks to crochet legs
as peerless as Homer’s epic,
like Calypso’s lissome limbs,
pacing caverns with the task
of recreating Odysseus.


---------------------------------------------------
(jeremy/Dale edit2) Much obliged!

Lover Under Construction

I could try to build another lover
inside the garden shed
from my nursery of botanicals
and a chattering of doves.
Should I go exclusively vegetable,
employing sap and cellulose
or fuse animal with spiritual
using milk and aureoles.

I’ve amassed a muddle of body bags,
an archive of Da Vinci drafts,
but Mona Lisa was truly homely,
the Vetruvian Man's deformed.
I had considered going Hollywood,
hoarding silicon and celluloid,
yet Monroe was unreliable
and Taylor, much too hyped.

It takes decades to build pyramids,
longer molding perfect breasts,
millennia to ensnare that nebula
of intellect, thought and mood.

I should pinch that cheeky moon
from beneath the black skirt of night,
use Orion’s Belt to cinch her in,
a skein of storks to crochet legs
as peerless as Homer’s epic,
like Calypso’s lissome limbs,
pacing caverns with the task
of recreating Odysseus.


----------------------------------------------
Lover Under Construction

I could try to build another lover
inside the garden shed
from a nursery of botanicals
and chattering of doves.

Should I go exclusively vegetable,
using sap and cellulose
or altogether animal
with milk and aureoles?

I’ve amassed a muddle of body bags,
an archive of Da Vinci drafts,
but Mona Lisa was truly homely,
the Vetruvian Man's deformed.

I’ve considered going Hollywood,
hoarding silicon and celluloid,
but Monroe was unreliable
and Taylor, much too hyped.

It takes decades to build pyramids,
longer molding perfect breasts,
millennia to ensnare that nebula
of intellect, thought and mood.

I should pinch that cheeky moon
from beneath the black skirt of midnight,
use Orion’s Belt to cinch her in,
a skein of storks to crochet legs

as peerless as Homer’s epic,
like Calypso’s lissome limbs,
pacing caverns while at task
rebuilding Odysseus.

Excellent edit 3....but I would say that. No, very much your poem. Watch out for gappy stanza breaks. S6-7 breaks a mould. That is all.
Best,
tectak

I took another look at the stanzas. I reorganized them into 8-line stanzas that seem to naturally divide the progression of this piece. Thanks again./Chris

[ChristopherSea]

I am calling this one for now. Thanks all. Tom, appreciate the final polish.