Begin not the Beguine

[Erthona]

.

Yes, I suppose I could write a poem,
about the minutia of my life,
it’s all been better said before,
in monotones of black and white.
Writing in tomes of reminiscence,
where there’s no room for mushy gray,
where only Hemmingway sharp edges,
are docked, not floating in the bay.
Yet should a storm arise, things then
most surely would be tossed about,
making it seem so uncertain,
how the ending would come out.
But we can’t have that, for uncer-
tainty is now the greatest sin,
and always padded for our safety,
the Beguine cannot begin.
I’ve heard from profane sources that
it’s still danced in Martinique,
under pretense of sweaty sex,
though it’s the dance they seek!
Listen, and I’ll tell you true,
for surely it’s a mortal sin,
they take your freedom from you so,
the Beguine will not begin.

[Brownlie]

.

Yes, I suppose I could write a poem,
about the minutia of my life,
it’s all been better said before,
in monotones of black and white.
Writing in tomes of reminiscence,
where there’s no room for mushy gray,
where only Hemmingway sharp edges,
are docked, not floating in the bay.
Yet should a storm arise, things then
most surely would be tossed about,
making it seem so uncertain,
how the ending would come out.
But we can’t have that, for uncer-
tainty is now the greatest sin,
and always padded for our safety,
the Beguine cannot begin.
I’ve heard from profane sources that
it’s still danced in Martinique,
under pretense of sweaty sex,
though it’s the dance they seek!
Listen, and I’ll tell you true,
for surely it’s a mortal sin,
they take your freedom from you so,
the Beguine will not begin.

One thing I noticed was the rhyme of about and out stood out and drew attention to a rhyme that's been used quite a bit. However, the word play was intriguing and I ended up looking up the pronunciation of beguine. Anything that puts more emphasis on this wordplay would be interesting to me.

[Erthona]

Thanks, I understand what you are saying, yes Beguine is connotatively rich, and some of that is here, but the main emphasis for me, was using the Beguine tempo/rhythm as a backbone for the cadence of the poem, as well as to metaphorically associate it with freedom.

Thanks for giving it a read, and for your thoughtful comments.


Dale

[Truerenigma]

Here a comma, there, a comma, ever,y,where, a, comma, comma. Does N suppose he can do it because it's been done before, or is he saying he could do it, /but/ it's already been done before?

I'm not sure what Hemingway-sharp edges are. Wasn't he a little rough around the edges for the day? (If that's what is being said you should use the hyphen.)

I don't think the break in the middle of uncer-tainty was very successful, but that's just my take.

[Heartafire]

I wonder if a comma is needed at the end of line three, trivial, I know.
Searching for a nit without much luck. I always understood the beguine to be a foxtrot style of dance so I wondered if this really applies:
"I’ve heard from profane sources that
it’s still danced in Martinique,
under pretense of sweaty sex," perhaps... I haven't been in the West Indies. Nice job with this.
My best
Heart

[Erthona]

TE,

Yes, I am the comma king. I agree, it's is misleading, it was suppose to be a contraction for "it has", not it is. A common colloquial phrase from my part of the country, but certainly not widespread I would think. So, yes, "it's" wrong

"I'm not sure what Hemingway-sharp edges are. Wasn't he a little rough around the edges for the day? (If that's what is being said you should use the hyphen.)"

Reference to boats like Hemingway sailed, and that they like him were rough, but I agree, your critique is still valid and it needs a high-fin!

"I don't think the break in the middle of uncer-tainty was very successful, but that's just my take."

Just a bit of fun on my part(a poke at certain types of writing), plus it breaks the line at the right place

Thanks for your comments, most I will use. Now if only you had pointed out the commas I needed to remove I'd hardly have to work at all.

Thanks,

dale
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Heart,

"I wonder if a comma is needed at the end of line three, trivial, I know."

I don't know either, but I will be happy to remove it (actually, yes I do know, I just sometimes get focused on other things when editing to post. Oftentimes I put commas in for rhythm or cadence markers, and forget to remove them).

"the beguine to be a foxtrot style of dance so I wondered if this really applies"

No, probably not today, more like a slow rumba (but it's not dirty dancing). It was more of the rhythm, Boom, chit-chit, boom-chit-boom-chit, Boom, chit-chit, and also as a reference to Cole Porter song:

"so don't let them begin the beguine
let the love that was once a fire
remain an ember
let it sleep like the dead desire I only remember
when they begin the beguine"

As far as sweaty sex in Martinique, as it is in the Caribbean in 1935, most sex would be sweaty

However as I think of it, the dance was probably not the most apt metaphor for love/freedom, but I still love the song and the beat, and during that time places like Martinique were where people went to let their hair down a little, kind of like Havana in "Guys and Dolls" (I played Nicely-Nicely Johnson at the "Backdoor theater" in Wichita Falls, Texas - Big Time, eh?).

Thanks for your comments,

Dale

[ChristopherSea]

.

Yes, I suppose I could write a poem,
about the minutia of my life,
it’s all been better said before,
in monotones of black and white.
Writing in tomes of reminiscence,
where there’s no room for mushy gray,
where only Hemmingway sharp edges,
are docked, not floating in the bay.
Yet should a storm arise, things then
most surely would be tossed about,
making it seem so uncertain,
how the ending would come out.
But we can’t have that, for uncer-
tainty is now the greatest sin,
and always padded for our safety,
the Beguine cannot begin.
I’ve heard from profane sources that
it’s still danced in Martinique,
under pretense of sweaty sex,
though it’s the dance they seek!
Listen, and I’ll tell you true,
for surely it’s a mortal sin,
they take your freedom from you so,
the Beguine will not begin.

Dale, I like the play on the Cole Porter song in your title. However, Tom is going to ‘contend you’ (or not) on the reversal within it. Beguine has a rich image of Caribbean dance and the female body, subsequently I like the theme.

Black and white are monotones (maybe another comma for ‘of’). Would, ‘it’s been said better before’ run smoother? ‘Mushy’ gray sounds a little wishy-washy, ‘murky’ maybe. Hemingway sharp edges are intriguing, although I am not sure what exactly is meant. I see the commas guiding the reader, but couldn’t alternate line breaks serve as your caesura in some cases? The break in the middle of uncertainty is odd, but interesting. Choosing that hyphenation may actually play to the word’s definition. The reference to sin twice may be redundant. The same goes for using 'the beguine will not begin' twice. The close may be stronger removing 'so' and ending with a full stop after you, thereby allowing the last line stand alone. A question for you: Will it ever begin? If not, 'never' could be stronger and eliminate the repeat. See what you think.

I sure a lot of these suggestions will have effect your meter, but hopefully some of these observations may help you with your next edit. Good luck with it, cheers./Chris

[Erthona]

Chris,

Yeah, Tom likes to come back and bite me with my own teeth

Thanks for the suggestions. Yeah, it is kind of a slow start. I don't think removing "so" completely, but moving it to the beginning of the last line and dropping the comma could be used to better effect. Yeah, the uncertainty break is bad, but sometimes I can't resist the cheese. The truth is I've no idea what " Hemingway sharp edges" is. It made sense when I wrote it, so I guess I'll keep it. Yeah "sin" doesn't have a lot of synonyms that work in either spot. I know what you're saying, and would probably give the same advice, but there is something compelling about the almost same statement twice.

uncertainty is now the greatest sin, the Beguine cannot begin.

surely it’s a mortal sin, the Beguine will not begin.

See, it is saying two different things. In the first "uncertainty" is the sin, and as a result the Beguine cannot begin, because "uncertainty" is risky, and we live in a risk adverse society.

But in the second it is the dance itself that is a sin, because it represents freedom, and freedom also is risky. I think that is where the "Hemingway" thing comes in, as he was not afraid to take risks, he confronted fear, he did not try and bubble wrap it.

So anyway, those are some of my thoughts on this, and some of my rationales. If you have some further thoughts I'd be happy to hear them.

Thanks,

dale

[tectak]

.

Yes, I suppose I could write a poem,
about the minutia of my life, Not sure about minutia...sing or plu. minutiae?
it’s all been better said before,
in monotones of black and white. to name but two....
Writing in tomes of reminiscence,
where there’s no room for mushy gray, No. Not spacially quantitative. No room is rong
where only Hemmingway sharp edges, Why the comma? I am not up to this. What is a Hemmingway sharp edge? Even old men of the sea are blunt.
are docked, not floating in the bay.
Yet should a storm arise, things then
most surely would be tossed about,
making it seem so uncertain, Confused here. "Seem uncertain" is reverse tautology. If something seems uncertain it may be certain....but if it is certain can it seem uncertain with certainty? Discuss
how the ending would come out.
But we can’t have that, for uncer- playful but pointless. Dashed if I know why you di-
d it.
tainty is now the greatest sin,
and always padded for our safety, Nice thinking. I may use this in the distant future
the Beguine cannot begin. How did we get here?
I’ve heard from profane sources that
it’s still danced in Martinique,
under pretense of sweaty sex, pretense or pretext?Your poem
though it’s the dance they seek! Vertical fullfillment of horizontal desire sort of thing? The Beguine is far more romantica than you describe...it brings on a night of tropical splendour....ahem...or something
Listen, and I’ll tell you true,
for surely it’s a mortal sin,
they take your freedom from you so, What? True and you, surely.Cantankerous
the Beguine will not begin.

Hi Dale,
Love the media mix of think,dance, memory, reality, ecapism but it is a jumbled mix. As for your professed rhythm...I don't feel that latin beat in this. Is it just me or is this more of a samba played on a mouthharp? Needs a stiffening of the metre methinks.
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Tom,

"As for your professed rhythm...I don't feel that latin beat in this. Is it just me or is this more of a samba played on a mouthharp? Needs a stiffening of the metre methinks."

Yes, a difficult and ultimately failed experiment.

minutiae? yes should be plural.
----------------------------------------
"playful but pointless" guilty, and in a number of places besides this.
--------------------------------------
"making it seem so uncertain" I have no idea why I put "seem so" in the line, makes for a better line without it.
---------------------------------------
"The Beguine is far more romantica than you describe...it brings on a night of tropical splendour....ahem...or something"

Well now it has been accused of being not enough to fulfill the role I assign it, and being more than the role I assign it.
---------------------------------------------------
"pretense or pretext?Your poem" Oh come on, does "pretext" seem as though it would sonically fit in this poem, not to mention it sounding like a law brief.

"The party of the first part did not stiffly enough hold his arm, boxing in rather than boxing out the party of the second part, who contends that it was merely a ruse, or pretext if you will, to initiate physical contact by the party of the first part, that was uncalled for, nor desired by the party of the second part. The party of the first part shall herein refer to a Mr. Masterson (Sky), and the party of the second part shall herein, henceforth and forthwith refer to Miss Brown (Sister Sarah).
__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Of corpse some of this is me having too much fun for I know on the morrow I shall be a grave man, and you would have me eat my toast plain, rather than with barrels of jam!

No really, good crit Tom,

Thanks,

dale

[billy]

bumped