Triptych

[jeremyyoung]

A couple of notes.

The basic rhythm of the piece is the dithyramb. With two dithyrambs and two iambs per line where possible - 'to receive favour. I sit on a dune' - dithyramb iamb, iamb dithyramb.

The theme as indicated in the title is John the Baptist and his relationship with Jesus, or the other way around if you want.

[milo]

thanks for the feedback Milo

the piece is non-rhyming, metrical verse which by definition is blank verse. I make it 38+37+24... 99 lines - 990 syllables... assuming the online checker is correct.

changing the tense of the first verse - section - would defeat the object of it being a triptych.

blank verse needs to have a consistent meter, this doesn't so it is merely free verse. You seem to have written it in syllabics which is not metric by any sense of the word and generally accepted as ineffective in English. As for defeating the object of it being a triptych, I don't really see how but if I was you I would do it anyway as now the effect is quite disruptive.

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/181919

[jeremyyoung]

Really?

So using unstressed dithyrambs and iambs....

I/fol/low the/CROWD down/TO the/riv/er.
It/is/cold ev/EN for/morn/ing it's/COLD.
The/Jor/dan shim/MERS through/the/reeds, green/SILK,
lick/ing/the foot/PRINTS at/THE wat/er's/edge
in/TO flat/NESS.

And changing to iambs, in the Greek style, for descriptive passages

He/WAITS for/US, glow/ING,
on/THE far/BANK, hand/IN wel/COME to/CROSS.

before returning to Bacchanal

The/New sun/DAZZLES, some/stag/ger bright/blind/ed
in/TO the/wa/ter, the/SPLASH of//feet/dulls

is not using meter, or rhythm... and it's MERELY free verse.

Well if you say so...

[milo]

Really?

So using unstressed dithyrambs and iambs....

I/fol/low the/CROWD down/TO the/riv/er.
It/is/cold ev/EN for/morn/ing it's/COLD.
The/Jor/dan shim/MERS through/the/reeds, green/SILK,
lick/ing/the foot/PRINTS at/THE wat/er's/edge
in/TO flat/NESS.

And changing to iambs, in the Greek style, for descriptive passages

He/WAITS for/US, glow/ING,
on/THE far/BANK, hand/IN wel/COME to/CROSS.

before returning to Bacchanal

The/New sun/DAZZLES, some/stag/ger bright/blind/ed
in/TO the/wa/ter, the/SPLASH of//feet/dulls

is not using meter, or rhythm... and it's MERELY free verse.

Well if you say so...

Not only is it free verse, your scan is wrong. About half the feet you are attempting to identify don't exist in English an some don't exist in any language. The poem is a random mish mash of mostly iambs and anapaests with an occasional troche thrown in.

[jeremyyoung]

Yeah it's just bunged together, let all hang out, free verse. Like you say it's not even English, or any language.

It's not like I've applied what Judith Gick, one of the most influential Shakespearean and classical teachers of the 20th century, taught me about spoken verse, phrasing, pacing, meter etc. I mean why would I? When the dithyrambs can be turned into anapests for dramatic effect, and the variations mished and mashed, to create mono-tonal uniformity.

How dare i write piece not intended to lie decorously on the page, but to take breath and be heard in a declamatory style. The shame of it.

[milo]

Yeah it's just bunged together, let all hang out, free verse. Like you say it's not even English, or any language.

It's not like I've applied what Judith Gick, one of the most influential Shakespearean and classical teachers of the 20th century, taught me about spoken verse, phrasing, pacing, meter etc. I mean why would I? When the dithyrambs can be turned into anapests for dramatic effect, and the variations mished and mashed, to create mono-tonal uniformity.

How dare i write piece not intended to lie decorously on the page, but to take breath and be heard in a declamatory style. The shame of it.

Hey, it's your poem, if you're happy with it that's fine, you don't need to make up stories. If you want, I could do an actual scan of the first few lines for you or at least point you in the direction of some threads on English meter or blank verse.

[ChristopherSea]

Yeah it's just bunged together, let all hang out, free verse. Like you say it's not even English, or any language.

It's not like I've applied what Judith Gick, one of the most influential Shakespearean and classical teachers of the 20th century, taught me about spoken verse, phrasing, pacing, meter etc. I mean why would I? When the dithyrambs can be turned into anapests for dramatic effect, and the variations mished and mashed, to create mono-tonal uniformity.

How dare i write piece not intended to lie decorously on the page, but to take breath and be heard in a declamatory style. The shame of it.

Hey, it's your poem, if you're happy with it that's fine, you don't need to make up stories. If you want, I could do an actual scan of the first few lines for you or at least point you in the direction of some threads on English meter or blank verse.

It would be interesting to see how milo the meter-man would diagram the same passages.

[milo]

Yeah it's just bunged together, let all hang out, free verse. Like you say it's not even English, or any language.

It's not like I've applied what Judith Gick, one of the most influential Shakespearean and classical teachers of the 20th century, taught me about spoken verse, phrasing, pacing, meter etc. I mean why would I? When the dithyrambs can be turned into anapests for dramatic effect, and the variations mished and mashed, to create mono-tonal uniformity.

How dare i write piece not intended to lie decorously on the page, but to take breath and be heard in a declamatory style. The shame of it.

Hey, it's your poem, if you're happy with it that's fine, you don't need to make up stories. If you want, I could do an actual scan of the first few lines for you or at least point you in the direction of some threads on English meter or blank verse.

It would be interesting to see how milo the meter-man would diagram the same passages.

I follow the crowd down to the river. iFOL lowtheCROWD DOWNto theRIV er iamb anapaest troche iamb fem ending(hypermetric) 4 feet no discernible meter
It is cold, even for morning it's cold. ITis COLDE venforMORN ingit'sCOLD troche spondee anapaest anapaest 4 feet no discernible meter
The Jordan shimmers through the reeds, green silk, theJOR danSHIM ersTHROUGH theREEDS greenSILK 5 feet perfect iambic pentameter
licking the foot prints at the water's edge LICKing theFOOT printsAT theWA tersEDGE 5 feet troche iamb iamb iamb iamb iambic pentameter common sub (1 awk prom on AT)

*note 1 without a predominant meter the rule of three is used for all promotion/demotion with testing for nearest syllables.

*note 2 scansion on free verse is mostly pointless.

[Erthona]

Although doing so pains me, I have to agree with milo. As this points out it is often problematic when scanning ones own verse, because we already have a way of reading it in our heads which usually includes the imposition of a rhythm that is actually lacking. I have noticed that if I get away from writing metered poetry, that although I still have the knowledge about meter, I have lost some of the clarity.

The second thing is being derisive and condescending to those who critique ones poem is proof against anyone ever giving you legitimate or honest critique again. If all one wants is sycophants to fawn over one and say only positive things, there are plenty of vanity poetry websites that cater to such needs. One of the most popular features is the ability to delete any critique that a person disagrees with. Then all that is left is to send ones sycophantic attack dogs to intimidate and threaten the offender into never offering negative critique again. A perfect prescription towards creating a delusional world that I assume will make the person extremely happy. It does have the drawback of not improving and in fact degrading ones poetry, but that is a small price to pay for delusional happiness. Oh yes, just a side note. I doubt there is anybody who will be impressed with a name dropper. It is just sad and makes the person look desperate. Since the person cannot defend their own position they interject a name of someone who they deem as famous, imply that they are on, or were on intimate terms with that person, and further imply that, that person would validate their improbably stance, which they themselves are unable to rationally defend. As I said, sad.
On this site I would stay away from the practice as it will have the opposite effect of the one intended.

"The basic rhythm of the piece is the dithyramb. With two dithyrambs and two iambs per line where possible - 'to receive favour. I sit on a dune' - dithyramb iamb, iamb dithyramb."

The author implies that a dithyramb is a metrical foot. I thought dithyrambs were a form of a poem or hymn. I do not think a dithyramb is a type of metrical foot. However if I am wrong then someone please let me know and possibly give me a link that tells exactly what the elements of a dithyramb, or how and when it became a metrical foot.  

Dale