Vanitas

[71degrees]

Even in my own home,
I feel a need to whisper,
and although Emerson
would approve,
transcendental like,
I am forever accused
of talking to myself;

I patiently explain
in a series of low tones
how it is with the early
American furniture,
the skull, the books,
the pulled blinds,
and the picture of fruit,
how the pears have moved;
how our yellow canary
is always giving me
that look of guilt;
how the arm chair
glider has lost
its ability to glide;
how I wish to opine
about the eloquence
of the bedroom doorknob

Instead, I sit quietly
on the couch,
my soft voice
almost a dutch mixture
of color, light, and texture

I swear I could make a living
thing out of my teacup
if she would sit still
and really listen to me

[NobodyNothing]

I don't know the rules about this modern free verse, where line breaks are supposed to be and the like (do readers ever read it the way you do?), so I don't have much to say on that.

But there is something I really like about this poem, something I identify with. There's a really good poem in here, methinks. Close, it seems to me.

Maybe others will have something constructive to say along these lines which I am unable to.

Thanks for the offering.

[71degrees]

I don't know the rules about this modern free verse, where line breaks are supposed to be and the like (do readers ever read it the way you do?), so I don't have much to say on that.

But there is something I really like about this poem, something I identify with. There's a really good poem in here, methinks. Close, it seems to me.

Maybe others will have something constructive to say along these lines which I am unable to.

Thanks for the offering.

I don't know if their are any rules for free verse. None I am aware of anyway. Glad you liked something about this poem. Appreciate the response.

[John Galt]

Hello, 71 Degrees. I enjoyed your poem and the surreal feel to some of it.
The continuity from verse 2 to 3 threw me a bit (In v2 the narrator is "patiently explaining",
but in v3 " sits quietly", hope that makes sense).

There are 6 "the" in the first 8 lines of v2, one could be cut, and maybe 2.

The line " in a series of low tones" works well for the connotation of muted colours.

I liked the words below to describe your voice.

"my soft voice
almost a dutch mixture
of color, light, and texture"

Thank you. JG

[jeremyyoung]

I like the wit in the poem. And the very gentle tone. The theme plays out beautifully.

If I have a nit pick it is in some of the line cuts. For me...

"how it is with
the early American furniture,
the skull,
the books,
the pulled blinds, and the picture of fruit,"

works better - partly from the visual aspect.

[71degrees]

Hello, 71 Degrees. I enjoyed your poem and the surreal feel to some of it.
The continuity from verse 2 to 3 threw me a bit (In v2 the narrator is "patiently explaining",
but in v3 " sits quietly", hope that makes sense).

There are 6 "the" in the first 8 lines of v2, one could be cut, and maybe 2.

The line " in a series of low tones" works well for the connotation of muted colours.

I liked the words below to describe your voice.

"my soft voice
almost a dutch mixture
of color, light, and texture"

Thank you. JG

All this makes sense. Yes, thanks.

---

I like the wit in the poem. And the very gentle tone. The theme plays out beautifully.

If I have a nit pick it is in some of the line cuts. For me...

"how it is with
the early American furniture,
the skull,
the books,
the pulled blinds, and the picture of fruit,"

works better - partly from the visual aspect.

I spend more time exploring line breaks, rearranging, etc. then I do writing the poems. Your points here are well taken. Thanks.

[ChristopherSea]

Is that R.W. Emerson or some other reference? You have captured the sense of 'still life' and even hung the bowl of fruit variety on the wall. The detail is impressive, the funeral art with that skull, the dutch reference. I feel the senselessness of life, the search for something transcendental (do you need 'like'?). Nice work with the incorporation of the art movement theme throughout the piece.

[71degrees]

Is that R.W. Emerson or some other reference? You have captured the sense of 'still life' and even hung the bowl of fruit variety on the wall. The detail is impressive, the funeral art with that skull, the dutch reference. I feel the senselessness of life, the search for something transcendental (do you need 'like'?). Nice work incorporation of the art movement theme throughout the piece.

Ralph Waldo, yes. Thanks for the comments. Might not even need "transcendental" w/the Emerson reference. In any case, would have to reconstruct w/o "like"....Will mull that.

[Thoughtjotter]

You do a good job painting a picture with words.
Does free verse require punctuation? comas, semicolons; no periods. I'm not sure what the guidelines are.

[kindofahippy]

I swear I could make a living
thing out of my teacup
if she would sit still
and really listen to me

This stanza just grabs my attention. After the placid still-life scene, this is like a neon sign. May I inquire what the inspiration was for this? I can only mentally place a living teacup with Beauty and the Beast.

The last two lines, "if she would sit still and really listen to me", that's fascinating. The feminine connotation, the idea of someone so lonely that a thought like this would even pop up, that 'only my cat and my tea cup ever listens to me, and if only old grandfather clock would stop talking once in a while'. I see a Judaic-Christian theme in making a living thing from clay. I can even feel the protaganist, with shaky hands, spilling droplets of tea despite a backsplash of peace. It's original, striking, ambiguous, and beautiful.

[71degrees]

You do a good job painting a picture with words.
Does free verse require punctuation? comas, semicolons; no periods. I'm not sure what the guidelines are.

If there are guidelines, or as you say "requirements" for free verse poetry, I would be surprised. Whatever trips my trigger is how I live my life on paper.

Thanks for asking.

---

I swear I could make a living
thing out of my teacup
if she would sit still
and really listen to me

This stanza just grabs my attention. After the placid still-life scene, this is like a neon sign. May I inquire what the inspiration was for this? I can only mentally place a living teacup with Beauty and the Beast.

The last two lines, "if she would sit still and really listen to me", that's fascinating. The feminine connotation, the idea of someone so lonely that a thought like this would even pop up, that 'only my cat and my tea cup ever listens to me, and if only old grandfather clock would stop talking once in a while'. I see a Judaic-Christian theme in making a living thing from clay. I can even feel the protaganist, with shaky hands, spilling droplets of tea despite a backsplash of peace. It's original, striking, ambiguous, and beautiful.

Your comments are wonderful and I'm glad the poem drove you to ask such questions. I only used the "tea cup" image b/c I happened to be drinking tea at the time I was studying up on Vanitas art and beginning to form my thoughts for the poem. your own thoughts about a clock or your cat hold water as well. I love the Grandfather image w/the clock. Always have.

I am Catholic and anyone who says their Religious background doesn't influence how they see things is foolish. One can deny it. One can ignore it. One can change it. But it remains a piece of our consciousness. If anything, the theme of the poem might be "purpose"....hence the tea cup image. I confess the idea came about b/c I was trying to make a point about something to my wife. She wasn't listening to me at all. I felt like the tea cup I was holding in my hand. Just a piece of artwork. Something like that.

Thanks. Comments like yours are way more beneficial than carping about punctuation and the like. I appreciate it very much.