Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
If this is it
then will I miss
what lessens
every day?
I never had
more than I
could hold in
both my hands…
but swollen fingers
will not hold
as much as once
they did… so things
just fall from grasp
and slip away.
Tectak
Langholm,
Burns Night 2014
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Tom,
(really, in the Serious Workshopping forum?)
Your formatting sucks. Are you trying to disguise that this is really only four lines?
If this is it then will I miss what lessens every day?
I never had more than I could hold in both my hands…
but swollen fingers will not hold as much as once they did…
so things just fall from grasp and slip away.
Or in Ballad meter (though it doesn't deserve it)
If this is it then will I miss
what lessens every day?
I never had more than I could
hold in both my hands…
but swollen fingers will not hold
as much as once they did…
so things just fall from grasp
and slip away.
Need a syllable on that last line (or we could pretend your clever and did it on purpose...your call), and that's an awful (I started to end right there), long way to go for a rhyme: day-away.
As to the content...well it appears to have slipped away. 
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 845
Threads: 57
Joined: Aug 2013
Tom, I think it works better in Dale's ballad form. However, the ellipses don't seem to add anything other than interupt the meter. In your structure, they may get the reader thinking about what those objects might be, as well as focus on the fat anatomy of those fingers. I am not certain what 'lessens' other than your time on the planet. Sorry, that is all I have at this time./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(02-12-2014, 11:16 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Tom, I think it works better in Dale's ballad form. However, the ellipses don't seem to add anything other than interupt the meter. In your structure, they may get the reader thinking about what those objects might be, as well as focus on the fat anatomy of those fingers. I am not certain what 'lessens' other than your time on the planet. Sorry, that is all I have at this time./Chris
Errr... yes.......errrr. You are both, of course.....quite right. The title says it all
I posted it because even I (who have no shame) was a little concerned over my diminished (since 1995 in nearly the same place) abilities. I may need to sell my Xbox.
Oh, and Chris. Regarding what else lessens.....how old are you?
Best,
tectak
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
If you have nothing to start with...
Chris doesn't realize you're engaging in hyperbole when you say "both my hands", anymore than one would say he holds a grain of sand in both his hands, unless of course it is meant as one after the other, well that's just for the enjoyment of something new!
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 845
Threads: 57
Joined: Aug 2013
(02-12-2014, 11:01 PM)Erthona Wrote: Tom,
(really, in the Serious Workshopping forum?)
Your formatting sucks. Are you trying to disguise that this is really only four lines?
If this is it then will I miss what lessens every day?
I never had more than I could hold in both my hands…
but swollen fingers will not hold as much as once they did…
so things just fall from grasp and slip away.
Or in Ballad meter (though it doesn't deserve it)
If this is it then will I miss
what lessens every day?
I never had more than I could
hold in both my hands…
but swollen fingers will not hold
as much as once they did…
so things just fall from grasp
and slip away.
Need a syllable on that last line (or we could pretend your clever and did it on purpose...your call), and that's an awful (I started to end right there), long way to go for a rhyme: day-away.
As to the content...well it appears to have slipped away.
Dale
(02-12-2014, 11:29 PM)tectak Wrote: (02-12-2014, 11:16 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Tom, I think it works better in Dale's ballad form. However, the ellipses don't seem to add anything other than interupt the meter. In your structure, they may get the reader thinking about what those objects might be, as well as focus on the fat anatomy of those fingers. I am not certain what 'lessens' other than your time on the planet. Sorry, that is all I have at this time./Chris
Errr... yes.......errrr. You are both, of course.....quite right. The title says it all
I posted it because even I (who have no shame) was a little concerned over my diminished (since 1995 in nearly the same place) abilities. I may need to sell my Xbox.
Oh, and Chris. Regarding what else lessens.....how old are you?
Best,
tectak
Tomorrow is the first day of the remainder of my life!
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Tomorrow is the first day of the remainder of my life!
Think I'm gonna hurl!
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(02-13-2014, 12:00 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: (02-12-2014, 11:01 PM)Erthona Wrote: Tom,
(really, in the Serious Workshopping forum?)
Your formatting sucks. Are you trying to disguise that this is really only four lines?
If this is it then will I miss what lessens every day?
I never had more than I could hold in both my hands…
but swollen fingers will not hold as much as once they did…
so things just fall from grasp and slip away.
Or in Ballad meter (though it doesn't deserve it)
If this is it then will I miss
what lessens every day?
I never had more than I could
hold in both my hands…
but swollen fingers will not hold
as much as once they did…
so things just fall from grasp
and slip away.
Need a syllable on that last line (or we could pretend your clever and did it on purpose...your call), and that's an awful (I started to end right there), long way to go for a rhyme: day-away.
As to the content...well it appears to have slipped away.
Dale
(02-12-2014, 11:29 PM)tectak Wrote: (02-12-2014, 11:16 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Tom, I think it works better in Dale's ballad form. However, the ellipses don't seem to add anything other than interupt the meter. In your structure, they may get the reader thinking about what those objects might be, as well as focus on the fat anatomy of those fingers. I am not certain what 'lessens' other than your time on the planet. Sorry, that is all I have at this time./Chris
Errr... yes.......errrr. You are both, of course.....quite right. The title says it all
I posted it because even I (who have no shame) was a little concerned over my diminished (since 1995 in nearly the same place) abilities. I may need to sell my Xbox.
Oh, and Chris. Regarding what else lessens.....how old are you?
Best,
tectak
Tomorrow is the first day of the remainder of my life!
See"All that we have"
Posts: 34
Threads: 4
Joined: Mar 2014
The formatting distracted me from reading this a bit. I kind of catch a bit of philosophical "letting go" in here.. this piece feels abstract, which can be good in its own way. However I feel this is only a small start. I think you could develop it and turn it into something else, and if it was just a 4 line starting stanza it wouldn't be bad at all as an intro.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-21-2014, 09:41 AM)L Oquence Wrote: The formatting distracted me from reading this a bit. I kind of catch a bit of philosophical "letting go" in here.. this piece feels abstract, which can be good in its own way. However I feel this is only a small start. I think you could develop it and turn it into something else, and if it was just a 4 line starting stanza it wouldn't be bad at all as an intro.
Thanks Loq,
This is an old piece tagged for chris sea. It may be revisited if I get any more decrepit
Best,
tectak
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