1984 Re-interpreted

[71degrees]

1984 Re-interpreted

The soft looking waitress slid
the piece of French silk pie
across the table, filled
your coffee mug like you
were a recovering alcoholic

It was 3:30 am, it was 1984,
and she wore that erotic orange
serving outfit when she asked you
to hold your cup still up over
the pie; hell, holding your breath
wasn’t nothing like holding
a real woman

but when you came back
the next evening after Lit. finals
only to be told Julia had quit,
you wished there had been ways
to watch which way she had left
your life for good so you could follow
her into oblivion rather than return
to a real life

[NobodyNothing]

I'd have to read it a few more times, let it sink in some more, but my first impression is very nicely done. I hardly felt an "irk". Like that slice of French silk pie, a bittersweet and tender little slice of life, methinks.

That's all for now.

[Erthona]

71d

"filled
your coffee mug like you
were a recovering alcoholic"

I think you need to use his instead of you. I wasn't there, but the way this was written it sounds as thought I were.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I understand the connection to Julia, but it has been too long since I read "1984" to make much of a connection with this, as such I can't really comment on this. It is a nice descriptive scene. In some ways it reminds me of Camus.

Dale

[ChristopherSea]

Hi 71,
She sounds delicious and I certainly would like a slice of that French silk pie as well! This is a great tale of the girl that got away, an experience we all have had in one form or another. Therefore, I understand addressing an audience by employing 'you'. However, with the exact time and date and final exam schedule given lends itself to a first person narration. The 'Lit finals' did not help me with my fantasy, but that is really my problem! Wonderful work, thanks for sharing Julia./Chris

[jeremyyoung]

The opening is beautiful, and rather sexy, with all those 's's leading to 'French silk'... not a criticism, more an observation, 'soft looking' can also mean stupid, as in 'soft in the head', which works just as well and doesn't change the attraction or the tension.

I like the way the description runs and runs without full stop

"she asked you
to hold your cup still up over
the pie;"
Combined with 'erotic orange' these lines really work. I especially like 'cup still up'. I am tempted joke, 'have you got it in yet?' but that would be childish, so I won't.

Holding breath, so as not to spoil the pie with coffee drips, I presume, combines nicely with the line about holding women.

It's been a very long time since I read 1984. I recall the love affair between Winston and Julia - which was surprisingly racey for it's time. I vaguely recall her passing messages - 'slid the piece of French silk pie'. And that in the end she denies him. Which is all present in the poem. Thus the use of Lit finals, as a metaphor for the rats in the cage, is both subtle and well judged.

And I also like,
"you wished there had been ways
to watch which way she had left"
Picking up the on surveillance state.

I don't think the last three lines are needed.

Thank you, I enjoyed it. Though I may need a cold shower

[71degrees]

I'd have to read it a few more times, let it sink in some more, but my first impression is very nicely done. I hardly felt an "irk". Like that slice of French silk pie, a bittersweet and tender little slice of life, methinks.

That's all for now.

Okay. Thanks for the read.

---

71d

"filled
your coffee mug like you
were a recovering alcoholic"

I think you need to use his instead of you. I wasn't there, but the way this was written it sounds as thought I were.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I understand the connection to Julia, but it has been too long since I read "1984" to make much of a connection with this, as such I can't really comment on this. It is a nice descriptive scene. In some ways it reminds me of Camus.

Dale

See my response to Christopher Sea about POV. Thanks for the read.

---

Hi 71,
She sounds delicious and I certainly would like a slice of that French silk pie as well! This is a great tale of the girl that got away, an experience we all have had in one form or another. Therefore, I understand addressing an audience by employing 'you'. However, with the exact time and date and final exam schedule given lends itself to a first person narration. The 'Lit finals' did not help me with my fantasy, but that is really my problem! Wonderful work, thanks for sharing Julia./Chris

I have written this poem in all POV's. I posted second person b/c I felt of the three, it emanated the aura I was after better than third person. First person would be my last choice but I do appreciate your comments very much. The "Lit. final (it should probably read singular) is there to help w/the 1984 connection but as time moves forward the book is becoming less and less relevant. In 1984 I can assure you, it was huge.

---

The opening is beautiful, and rather sexy, with all those 's's leading to 'French silk'... not a criticism, more an observation, 'soft looking' can also mean stupid, as in 'soft in the head', which works just as well and doesn't change the attraction or the tension.

I like the way the description runs and runs without full stop

"she asked you
to hold your cup still up over
the pie;"
Combined with 'erotic orange' these lines really work. I especially like 'cup still up'. I am tempted joke, 'have you got it in yet?' but that would be childish, so I won't.

Holding breath, so as not to spoil the pie with coffee drips, I presume, combines nicely with the line about holding women.

It's been a very long time since I read 1984. I recall the love affair between Winston and Julia - which was surprisingly racey for it's time. I vaguely recall her passing messages - 'slid the piece of French silk pie'. And that in the end she denies him. Which is all present in the poem. Thus the use of Lit finals, as a metaphor for the rats in the cage, is both subtle and well judged.

And I also like,
"you wished there had been ways
to watch which way she had left"
Picking up the on surveillance state.

I don't think the last three lines are needed.

Thank you, I enjoyed it. Though I may need a cold shower

I like you don't like the last three lines. I had a different ending that I didn't like and re-wrote it to what is posted here. After your comments, I don't like them either. So maybe you're right…I should leave it off altogether.

Your comments are astute with respects to the novel and appreciated.

[billy]

just the one nit, for me the enjambment in general felt a bit to much. created pauses where they didn't work that well.
the content is excellently descriptive.

i never saw how 84 was re-written but that was okay. julia made it a more personal poem but not sure it was relevant for me (not a nit just my POV) i like the subtle sophistication of of the Lit student.
thanks for the read, i enjoyed it

[71degrees]

just the one nit, for me the enjambment in general felt a bit to much. created pauses where they didn't work that well.
the content is excellently descriptive.

i never saw how 84 was re-written but that was okay. julia made it a more personal poem but not sure it was relevant for me (not a nit just my POV) i like the subtle sophistication of of the Lit student.
thanks for the read, i enjoyed it

Glad you enjoyed it. Nowhere does it say 1984 was re-written. It was re-interpreted. At least according to the title. But thanks for the read anyway.

[tomoffing]

Excellent stuff as usual 71, keep 'em coming

2 thoughts brief thoughts beyond what's been said;

I like the intent in your conclusion, but it is wordy and lacks the visual impact of the rest of the piece. Perhaps strip it back to;
"your life so you could follow her
into oblivion"

Ending with oblivion resonates more closely to the original work too IMO.

Secondly, your double negative at the close stanza two is brilliant. Just brilliant.

thanks t

[71degrees]

Excellent stuff as usual 71, keep 'em coming

2 thoughts brief thoughts beyond what's been said;

I like the intent in your conclusion, but it is wordy and lacks the visual impact of the rest of the piece. Perhaps strip it back to;
"your life so you could follow her
into oblivion"

Ending with oblivion resonates more closely to the original work too IMO.

Secondly, your double negative at the close stanza two is brilliant. Just brilliant.

thanks t

It's another nod to the times. No one (not even professors) cared about punctuation and/or usage late 70's / early 80's. Trust me. I was there.

[cfgorman]

1984 Re-interpreted

The soft looking waitress slid Yeah! I wanna piece of that pie
the piece of French silk pie
across the table, filled
your coffee mug like you
were a recovering alcoholic and a cup of coffee for that matter

It was 3:30 am, it was 1984,
and she wore that erotic orange
serving outfit when she asked you
to hold your cup still up over
the pie; hell, holding your breath
wasn’t nothing like holding
a real woman Loved it. I like the repeating of "It was " in the first line.

but when you came back
the next evening after Lit. finals
only to be told Julia had quit,
you wished there had been ways
to watch which way she had left
your life for good so you could follow
her into oblivion rather than return
to a real life I may be dense, but I didn't get the connection to Orwel's book. I get the name of the poem and Julia references, but I needed more to make the connection if this is what youj intended.

Good work, I enjoyed it.

Chris

[billy]

just the one nit, for me the enjambment in general felt a bit to much. created pauses where they didn't work that well.
the content is excellently descriptive.

i never saw how 84 was re-written but that was okay. julia made it a more personal poem but not sure it was relevant for me (not a nit just my POV) i like the subtle sophistication of of the Lit student.
thanks for the read, i enjoyed it

Glad you enjoyed it. Nowhere does it say 1984 was re-written. It was re-interpreted. At least according to the title. But thanks for the read anyway.

i just saw reinterpreted as rewritten as it was in text

[71degrees]

1984 Re-interpreted

The soft looking waitress slid Yeah! I wanna piece of that pie
the piece of French silk pie
across the table, filled
your coffee mug like you
were a recovering alcoholic and a cup of coffee for that matter

It was 3:30 am, it was 1984,
and she wore that erotic orange
serving outfit when she asked you
to hold your cup still up over
the pie; hell, holding your breath
wasn’t nothing like holding
a real woman Loved it. I like the repeating of "It was " in the first line.

but when you came back
the next evening after Lit. finals
only to be told Julia had quit,
you wished there had been ways
to watch which way she had left
your life for good so you could follow
her into oblivion rather than return
to a real life I may be dense, but I didn't get the connection to Orwel's book. I get the name of the poem and Julia references, but I needed more to make the connection if this is what youj intended.

Good work, I enjoyed it.

Chris

Thanks, Chris. Am glad you liked it. The poem is connected to the book in title only. I doubt a majority of folks on this forum have read it. Heard of it, I hope, but it's not necessary to have read it. One can re-interpret anything from its original form and it's no longer its original form. If the truth be known, I don't have a clue if the waitresses name was Julia or not, but I was reading the book for Lit. Final.

---

just the one nit, for me the enjambment in general felt a bit to much. created pauses where they didn't work that well.
the content is excellently descriptive.

i never saw how 84 was re-written but that was okay. julia made it a more personal poem but not sure it was relevant for me (not a nit just my POV) i like the subtle sophistication of of the Lit student.
thanks for the read, i enjoyed it

Glad you enjoyed it. Nowhere does it say 1984 was re-written. It was re-interpreted. At least according to the title. But thanks for the read anyway.

i just saw reinterpreted as rewritten as it was in text

Okay. Still don't know what "in text" means. But it must mean something to you so I'm sure it's valid. Again, thanks.

[billy]

i'll try and explain though i'm not sure why.

re-interpreted. i'm assuming it's a new way of saying or seeing and understanding something and writing about it.
because this is text, (the words you wrote) the written word, i'm assuming it's re-written; figuratively speaking, or is the reinterpretation just saying the same thing the same way? (which i can't see it doing) i do realize the 1st person could be writing about something for the 1st time.
as to doubting what people here read and don't read, i'd have thunk most have either read or heard or seen the film.
it's not as if orwell was emil zola or dostoyevsky, though crime and punishment is a fairly common text. i read them while not doing english lit, i also read viz and superman comics.

[71degrees]

i'll try and explain though i'm not sure why.

re-interpreted. i'm assuming it's a new way of saying or seeing and understanding something and writing about it.
because this is text, (the words you wrote) the written word, i'm assuming it's re-written; figuratively speaking, or is the reinterpretation just saying the same thing the same way? (which i can't see it doing) i do realize the 1st person could be writing about something for the 1st time.
as to doubting what people here read and don't read, i'd have thunk most have either read or heard or seen the film.
it's not as if orwell was emil zola or dostoyevsky, though crime and punishment is a fairly common text. i read them while not doing english lit, i also read viz and superman comics.

Thanks. Your original critique...I didn't have a clue. Am also glad you've read Orwell. I've found that not everyone I come into contact has.

[Leanne]

1984 Re-interpreted -- "re-interpreted" makes this sound pretentious -- anyone with a passing familiarity with one of the most read, most quoted and most alluded-to novels of the past century will expect some links with the novel. Allusion only works if it actually does exist -- just stealing a title makes it seem as if you're trying to be clever, but failing to follow through.

The soft looking waitress slid -- soft-looking, or does she give soft looks? Grammar and punctuation do matter, even in poetry
the piece of French silk pie
across the table, filled
your coffee mug like you
were a recovering alcoholic -- how would this go down? She's filling the mug as if she's filling a coffee mug for a recovering alcoholic -- do they have their coffee mugs filled differently to other people? Is it tentative, like the recipient is going to be angered by coffee instead of vodka? Is it a judgmental filling with a knowing look and a sympathetic head tilt? Really, a simile needs to be a shortcut to meaning, not a construct that increases ambiguity.

It was 3:30 am, it was 1984, -- the repetition of "it was" is redundant -- why not simply "it was 3:30am, 1984"? If you're going to leave out details, you can leave out pointless filler words too
and she wore that erotic orange
serving outfit when she asked you -- "serving outfit" kind of undoes the "erotic" -- there must be a less clumsy way to phrase this
to hold your cup still up over -- "up" is redundant
the pie; hell, holding your breath
wasn’t nothing like holding
a real woman

but when you came back
the next evening after Lit. finals
only to be told Julia had quit, -- this is fairly wordy -- something like "to find out" might work better
you wished there had been ways
to watch which way she had left
your life for good so you could follow
her into oblivion rather than return
to a real life -- these last two lines are incredibly wordy and telly -- you could drop them off completely and end on "follow", because the rest is implied

[71degrees]

1984 Re-interpreted -- "re-interpreted" makes this sound pretentious -- anyone with a passing familiarity with one of the most read, most quoted and most alluded-to novels of the past century will expect some links with the novel. Allusion only works if it actually does exist -- just stealing a title makes it seem as if you're trying to be clever, but failing to follow through.

The soft looking waitress slid -- soft-looking, or does she give soft looks? Grammar and punctuation do matter, even in poetry
the piece of French silk pie
across the table, filled
your coffee mug like you
were a recovering alcoholic -- how would this go down? She's filling the mug as if she's filling a coffee mug for a recovering alcoholic -- do they have their coffee mugs filled differently to other people? Is it tentative, like the recipient is going to be angered by coffee instead of vodka? Is it a judgmental filling with a knowing look and a sympathetic head tilt? Really, a simile needs to be a shortcut to meaning, not a construct that increases ambiguity.

It was 3:30 am, it was 1984, -- the repetition of "it was" is redundant -- why not simply "it was 3:30am, 1984"? If you're going to leave out details, you can leave out pointless filler words too
and she wore that erotic orange
serving outfit when she asked you -- "serving outfit" kind of undoes the "erotic" -- there must be a less clumsy way to phrase this
to hold your cup still up over -- "up" is redundant
the pie; hell, holding your breath
wasn’t nothing like holding
a real woman

but when you came back
the next evening after Lit. finals
only to be told Julia had quit, -- this is fairly wordy -- something like "to find out" might work better
you wished there had been ways
to watch which way she had left
your life for good so you could follow
her into oblivion rather than return
to a real life -- these last two lines are incredibly wordy and telly -- you could drop them off completely and end on "follow", because the rest is implied

Thanks for the run down. Appreciate it. Some things to mull over. Always interesting what folks see or don't see and like or dislike in a poem.

[jeremyyoung]

maybe - 1984 re: an interpretation ?

[71degrees]

maybe - 1984 re: an interpretation ?

I was thinking more along the lines of "Apocalypse Now"....would eliminate the need for a soft looking waitress.

[jeremyyoung]

You have the coffee in the morning.