Deftly, and Soon

[71degrees]

Deftly, and Soon

You want to tell someone,
anyone about the snow—
how all day long it has drifted
down on your bird feeder,
the decorative milk can,
bare lilacs, piling up
like earth driven clouds—
the total pallor of snow
sky creating a white sheen
of stilled acceptance
noticed only once in a lifetime

All afternoon you have wanted
to tell someone how ineffable
this moment has been

And you should do it deftly,
and soon, before that last ride
to the hospital

[jeremyyoung]

Very nice piece.

There were an couple of enjambments that I would suggest looking at.

how all day long it has drifted
down on your bird feeder,

and

the total pallor of snow
sky creating a white sheen

Neither is a big issue, and the breaks do work in themselves, but equally the enjambed word could be put back without losing the meter and clarifying the sense.

[71degrees]

Deftly, and Soon

You want to tell someone,
anyone about the snow—
how all day long it has drifted
down on your bird feeder,
the decorative milk can,
bare lilacs, piling up
like earth driven clouds—
the total pallor of snow
sky creating a white sheen
of stilled acceptance
noticed only once in a lifetime

All afternoon you have wanted
to tell someone how ineffable
this moment has been

And you should do it deftly,
and soon, before that last ride
to the hospital

Hi 71degrees..this is wonderfully descriptive, particularly..

bare lilacs, piling up
like earth driven clouds—

And I liked the curve ball at the end. Very unexpected.

Maybe just a bit of streamlining is in order..

You want to tell someone,
anyone about the snow—
how all day long it has drifted
down on your bird feeder,
the decorative milk can,
bare lilacs, piling up
like earth driven clouds—
the total pallor of snow
sky, a white sheen
of stilled acceptance
noticed only once in a lifetime.

And you should do it soon,
before that last ride
to the hospital.

I took the liberty of removing S2 altogether, because it is implied throughout the rest of the piece and feels redundant, or like you are spoonfeeding the reader.

I also made the punctuation consistent and dropped a couple of unneeded words.

Thank you for indulging me. Overall, I really like this.

You're welcome and thank you for the re-write. I guess I'll need a new title w/your deletion of "deftly." I agree w/some of your changes, but in general, I'm not a fan of end marks. Too confining for my tastes. Free verse poetry is so open to liberalism in mechanics in all aspects, it's the consistency of such that I think is more of a necessity to the understanding of the poem's message, which in my book is paramount to any poem. I try and give credit to the knowledgeable reader to be able to tell that a stanza has ended w/o a period being there. At least from my humble POV.

As always, I appreciate your thoughts.

---

Very nice piece.

There were an couple of enjambments that I would suggest looking at.

how all day long it has drifted
down on your bird feeder,

and

the total pallor of snow
sky creating a white sheen

Neither is a big issue, and the breaks do work in themselves, but equally the enjambed word could be put back without losing the meter and clarifying the sense.

Since neither is a big issue, and the poem doesn't rely on a fixed meter, I think I'll keep them. I like compound words and/or images that can break at end lines. Makes the reader work a bit to see the image that can often be used in either line.

Appreciate the look see and suggestions very much.

[geoff]

Deftly, and Soon

You want to tell someone,
anyone about the snow—
how all day long it has drifted ... because of the "snow" and "it," these lines felt a bit redundant to me
down on your bird feeder,
the decorative milk can,
bare lilacs, piling up
like earth driven clouds—
the total pallor of snow
sky creating a white sheen
of stilled acceptance
noticed only once in a lifetime...some nice description in here, as others have noted. do you need the "in a lifetime"?

All afternoon you have wanted
to tell someone how ineffable
this moment has been ..."this moment" also felt slightly redundant what with everything that came before, making it more dramatic than I prefer

And you should do it deftly,
and soon, before that last ride
to the hospital ...enjoyed the close

Hello 71 degrees,

Some nice images here. The repetition of ideas through pronouns and things was a bit more than I like myself, but I enjoyed the read.

-geoff

[makeshift]

Deftly, and Soon

You want to tell someone,
anyone about the snow— Its nice how the snow has space here
how all day long it has drifted
down on your bird feeder,
the decorative milk can,
bare lilacs, piling up
like earth driven clouds— This is my favorite image in the poem, really pretty and unusual
the total pallor of snow
sky creating a white sheen
of stilled acceptance
noticed only once in a lifetime

All afternoon you have wanted
to tell someone how ineffable
this moment has been Putting this stanza first would almost work. Maybe worth experimenting with. IDk

And you should do it deftly,
and soon, before that last ride
to the hospital :O this is sad, but I like it. Hospital feels really jarring, not in a bad way, but its certainly less understated then the rest of the poem. I like how the white of the hospital works with the white of snow. A very pale poem.

I enjoyed this. The quiet nature of the snow and the implied loneliness of the speaker play off of each other really beautifully. Like internal reflecting the external and vice versa. Its been snowing a lot here so thats something i've been thinking about. I can relate to the person in this poem observing something beautiful and wanting to share it. She could be a poet I guess really thats something poets do. Wish I had more constructive to say. Thnx for sharing ^_^

[RSaba]

Deftly, and Soon

You want to tell someone,
anyone add comma about the snow—
how all day long it has drifted
down onreplace "on" with "onto" your bird feeder,
the decorative milk can,
perhaps add "and the" here bare lilacs, piling up
like earth driven clouds—that is a fabulous line. Just needs a dash: "earth-driven"
the total pallor of snow perhaps either a comma here, or "with the" preceding "sky" on the following line
sky creating a white sheen
of stilled acceptancebeautiful phrase
noticed only once in a lifetime since this is in free verse sentence format, definitely need a period here

All afternoon you have wanted
to tell someone how ineffable great use of the word
this moment has beenperiod

And you should do it deftly,
and soon, before that last ride
to the hospitalperiod

This is a great, heart-achy piece. Tells a story in pieces that left me with a bit of a lump in my throat- it starts out with all that soft imagery and then the last stanza just comes at you out of nowhere, going from distant to personal in the blink of an eye. Aside from those minor edits (which just add to the flow), I have nothing more to add. Great writing. Thanks for the tears.

[71degrees]

Deftly, and Soon

You want to tell someone,
anyone about the snow— Its nice how the snow has space here
how all day long it has drifted
down on your bird feeder,
the decorative milk can,
bare lilacs, piling up
like earth driven clouds— This is my favorite image in the poem, really pretty and unusual
the total pallor of snow
sky creating a white sheen
of stilled acceptance
noticed only once in a lifetime

All afternoon you have wanted
to tell someone how ineffable
this moment has been Putting this stanza first would almost work. Maybe worth experimenting with. IDk

And you should do it deftly,
and soon, before that last ride
to the hospital :O this is sad, but I like it. Hospital feels really jarring, not in a bad way, but its certainly less understated then the rest of the poem. I like how the white of the hospital works with the white of snow. A very pale poem.

I enjoyed this. The quiet nature of the snow and the implied loneliness of the speaker play off of each other really beautifully. Like internal reflecting the external and vice versa. Its been snowing a lot here so thats something i've been thinking about. I can relate to the person in this poem observing something beautiful and wanting to share it. She could be a poet I guess really thats something poets do. Wish I had more constructive to say. Thnx for sharing ^_^

Thanks for your response. Sorry I'm so late returning the favor. Your insight (e.g. white snow / white hospital) helps me more than you realize.

---

Deftly, and Soon

You want to tell someone,
anyone add comma about the snow—
how all day long it has drifted
down onreplace "on" with "onto" your bird feeder,
the decorative milk can,
perhaps add "and the" here bare lilacs, piling up
like earth driven clouds—that is a fabulous line. Just needs a dash: "earth-driven"
the total pallor of snow perhaps either a comma here, or "with the" preceding "sky" on the following line
sky creating a white sheen
of stilled acceptancebeautiful phrase
noticed only once in a lifetime since this is in free verse sentence format, definitely need a period here

All afternoon you have wanted
to tell someone how ineffable great use of the word
this moment has beenperiod

And you should do it deftly,
and soon, before that last ride
to the hospitalperiod

This is a great, heart-achy piece. Tells a story in pieces that left me with a bit of a lump in my throat- it starts out with all that soft imagery and then the last stanza just comes at you out of nowhere, going from distant to personal in the blink of an eye. Aside from those minor edits (which just add to the flow), I have nothing more to add. Great writing. Thanks for the tears.

Thank you for the little tidbits of "streamlining" here (e.g. earth-driven and/or the reconstruction of the snow "onto" the bird feeder), and for your kind words of encouragement. Not enamored w/periods / stops. Especially in free verse. More a personal choice. Again, thanks. And welcome.

[Stephanie]

I found the description of the snow breathtaking here. It made me think of my Grandmother's house which had a lovely big garden with a bird table in it for some reason. I did not expect the ending either. I like also the idea of their being no full stop at the end - it's like an open ending, we have to image the rest of it. It's a very sad poem. Sorry nothing helpful to add because I just really liked it.