Cycle

[Leanne]

His free hand snatches at my hair, wrenches my head down. "Finish me," he orders, and the taste is more bitter than the dinners I burn, sacrifices of a failed wife. I choke and next to the bed, the baby cries. I swallow, the baby suckles, his father snores. Leaking milk, blood and tears, I empty.

[newsclippings]

I wonder what the "I empty" part refers to. Like, did the character just shit themselves? Shoot herself in the head? Is she emptied of all feeling? Because if that's the case you've just described every one of my weeknights, sans baby.

---

Since it's a cycle I'm going to go with the first or the last.

[ChristopherSea]

It is a very ugly cycle Leanne, but it is one that has been broken forever. Abuse suffered at the hands of a failure of a man relects nothing about the nature of a trapped wife! (@}>--,--'--- Chris

[Leanne]

Sandra, I'm not offended, please don't worry. This isn't my private diary space. It was just an attempt to float an idea and see what happened. I'm obviously not very good at this sort of thing

[billy]

if it's here it's also a public write.

don't put yourself down leanne, you're not at all bad at it either :J:
it's actually hard to reply to the write, it feels like a vignette of sadness.
the last 7 words get the emotion across with any problem. it makes me feel guilty about all the blow jobs i had

[Leanne]

it makes me feel guilty about all the blow jobs i imagined i had

/fixed

[billy]

:J: i've always had a good imagination

[Leanne]

Yes, I could line break like that, but the intent was not to write a standard poem (I think I've done one or two of those in the past). So it's not about 'please pity me', it's just a statement.

For future reference, and without wanting to seem churlish, I'm not a fan of people rewriting my poems to what they think they ought to look like. I know some people appreciate that and it's not intended as a rebuke, it's just that by rewriting (reformatting especially) we're not working within the existing framework of the poem and we're imposing our own ideas of what it 'ought' to be.

I appreciate the input but it's not really for workshopping, that's why it's in miscellaneous -- and maybe why it shouldn't have been posted at all.

[justcloudy]

Leanne I've been trying to figure out a nice way to say that too. I really dislike it when people rewrite what I post (but at least mine are for workshopping) because it imposes their vision, and leave a slight aftertaste of "I can do your poem better than you can" in my mouth. While that's likely true, it's not very appreciated.

Back to the original post, I was the first to see it (2 views after I clicked out) and tried to comment with a sad face, but as it wasn't at least 5 characters it didn't let me. So:

=[

[Leanne]

Thanks, lovely lady ><

[billy]

Yes, I could line break like that, but the intent was not to write a standard poem (I think I've done one or two of those in the past). So it's not about 'please pity me', it's just a statement.

For future reference, and without wanting to seem churlish, I'm not a fan of people rewriting my poems to what they think they ought to look like. I know some people appreciate that and it's not intended as a rebuke, it's just that by rewriting (reformatting especially) we're not working within the existing framework of the poem and we're imposing our own ideas of what it 'ought' to be.

I appreciate the input but it's not really for workshopping, that's why it's in miscellaneous -- and maybe why it shouldn't have been posted at all.

shit...i hope i've never reformatted your poetry i have done so with some of the poetry i gave feedback to but only because it was quicker than explaining it.

[Leanne]

You know what?

I think this has clearly caused more problems than it's worth. I'm over it.

[popeye]

Hope I'm not causing any undue stress by commenting on this Leanne but I found the poem interesting in the fact that the child was male and was wondering if there was a connection with the title, maybe a subconsciousness in the mother hoping that the child did not turn out like his father! Well that's how I see the flow, a most thought provoking poem, thanks for the read.
Cheers.

[Leanne]

Cheers yourself, popeye -- yeah, that's pretty much where I was going with it, so at least it's not a complete bust

[popeye]

A most enjoyable peek outside the square....

[Leanne]

Right. So. Getting quite annoyed now, just sayin'. If you make a comment, stand by it. I do.

[popeye]

Well I thought I had. I enjoyed the poem very much and was happy my small insight may have been close to the mark!
Cheers

[Leanne]

Silly. I wasn't talking about you.

[Brownlie]

His free hand snatches at my hair, wrenches my head down. "Finish me," he orders, and the taste is more bitter than the dinners I burn, sacrifices of a failed wife. I choke and next to the bed, the baby cries. I swallow, the baby suckles, his father snores. Leaking milk, blood and tears, I empty.

That's a whole lot of suckling. Poor woman