Evening Shower (for Tom)

[Erthona]

Rain streaks across the page,
melting my metaphors
with the mercurial
abandon of a
precocious
child:
no great loss
as my phrases
were as empty
as the glass that held
my last portion of Scotch.
I lay my head upon the table,
and fall asleep to the sotto voce
cascade of congenial inconsonance
in this unexpected evening shower.

–Erthona

[ellajam]

I like the whole of it, "cascade of congenial inconsonance" especially gave me a grin.

Rain streaks
across the page,
melting my metaphors
with the mercurial abandon
of a precocious child: no great loss
as my phrases were as empty as the glass
that held my last portion of Scotch. I lay my head
upon the table, and fall asleep to the sotto voce
cascade
of congenial
inconsonance
in this unexpected
evening shower.

[ChristopherSea]

I like the whole of it, "cascade of congenial inconsonance" especially gave me a grin.

Rain streaks
across the page,
melting my metaphors
with the mercurial abandon
of a precocious child: no great loss
as my phrases were as empty as the glass
that held my last portion of Scotch. I lay my head
upon the table, and fall asleep to the sotto voce
cascade
of congenial
inconsonance
in this unexpected
evening shower.

Love the 'shroom' Ella! I was going to suggest another conrete shape as well.


Dale, I too was wondering if you could do more with the shape of your piece to either look like a storm, a glass or a bottle of scotch. Here's the glass:

Rain streaks across the page, melting
my metaphors with the mercurial
abandon of a precocious child:
no great loss as my phrases
were as empty as the glass
that held my last portion
of Scotch. I lay my head
upon the table, and fall
asleep to the sotto voce
cascade of congenial
inconsonance in this
unexpected evening shower.

As for the poem, I found ‘mercurial abandon’ of a ‘precocious child’ intriguing, but something like ‘Baptist minister’, ‘rebel leader’ or ‘radical extremist’ seems more apropos. I suppose mercurial is too harsh for a young child. Wouldn’t a ‘gulp’ or ‘swig’ serve you better than a ‘portion’? Especially, just before you pass out. ‘Sotto voce cascade’ is lovely! ‘congenial
inconsonance’ adds some nice alliteration, but it comes off a little pedantic. Nonetheless, I like the contrast between the words and the ‘pleasant disharmony’ of the interloping shower. Perhaps some considerations for an edit. Yes, I know this is in ‘for fun’! Accordingly, it brought a smile to my face. A nice gift Dale. Cheers/Chris

[tectak]

Rain streaks across the page,
melting my metaphors
with the mercurial
abandon of a
precocious
child:
no great loss
as my phrases
were as empty
as the glass that held
my last portion of Scotch.
I lay my head upon the table,
and fall asleep to the sotto voce
cascade of congenial inconsonance
in this unexpected evening shower.

–Erthona

Thank you Dale. I would love this anywhere. I am in Oban. I am with a glass empty of all but vapour. There is rain. There is congenial inconsonance. There is apple wood smoke in the air. How can a glass so empty smell so full.
Back on Sunday.
Best,
tectak

[ellajam]

Sorry for messing with your breaks, but not really . It's interesting what the changed breaks do to the poem in each shape. Thanks for letting us play with your words.

[Erthona]

"Dale, I too was wondering if you could do more with the shape of your piece to either look like a storm, a glass or a bottle of scotch. Here's the glass:"

Actually it's suppose to be a glass turned upside down because it is empty a it says in the poem

"my phrases were as empty as the glass
that held my last portion of Scotch"

A mushroom would be a good shape for Tom, except this is talking about Scotch, which he is also fond of, and he recently celebrated "Burns' night", where I think he consumed a tad of that beverage.

One thing I will put forth in my defense is I believe that when doing concrete poetry, a period, colon, et al should be at the end of the line. This makes creating the poem more challenging as the content has to work with the shape. Ignoring such constraints makes creating any shape extremely easy, but it is also disconnected from the content.

This was sort of the glass (image below) I was going for only upside down (not quite the same glass but roughly). It's the sort one might use when drinking a liquor without ice, instead of in a highball glass, at least where I am from (I did my stint as a bartender for about three years). Anyway that's why I choose that shape. I guess the idea that it was upside down because it was empty didn't come across very well.




Thanks for the comments and suggestions, it's nice to be part of stirring up the creative juices in others. Feel free to play with it all you want.

Dale

[ChristopherSea]

"Dale, I too was wondering if you could do more with the shape of your piece to either look like a storm, a glass or a bottle of scotch. Here's the glass:"

Actually it's suppose to be a glass turned upside down because it is empty a it says in the poem

"my phrases were as empty as the glass
that held my last portion of Scotch"

A mushroom would be a good shape for Tom, except this is talking about Scotch, which he is also fond of, and he recently celebrated "Burns' night", where I think he consumed a tad of that beverage.

One thing I will put forth in my defense is I believe that when doing concrete poetry, a period, colon, et al should be at the end of the line. This makes creating the poem more challenging as the content has to work with the shape. Ignoring such constraints makes creating any shape extremely easy, but it is also disconnected from the content.

This was sort of the glass (image below) I was going for only upside down (not quite the same glass but roughly). It's the sort one might use when drinking a liquor without ice, instead of in a highball glass, at least where I am from (I did my stint as a bartender for about three years). Anyway that's why I choose that shape. I guess the idea that it was upside down because it was empty didn't come across very well.




Thanks for the comments and suggestions, it's nice to be part of stirring up the creative juices in others. Feel free to play with it all you want.

Dale

I understand your glass now! Again, nice poem and nod to Tom. Cheers/Chris