The Little Things

[71degrees]

It looked like a little painting,
what the painter sees,
only it was the little things

the aging couple, at the little cafe,
the tiny tables, the man, his hair white,
thinning, thick glasses, the empty plate
in front of him pushed to the middle
of the table; he was eating cherry pie,
he held his fork in his left hand
like a music baton, accessible

the little woman across from him,
her hair also white, a soft hat on,
like a little bird in a nest,
she was still sipping chicken soup,
a glass of water, ice half-melted, half
empty, it seemed like she was waiting
for something small, a bit of conversation

this aging couple, they love each other;
the man’s free right hand touching
her left index finger, a small gesture;
in a few short minutes, they will depart
for whatever time is left for them
to be together, it must seem like
they are down to the final minutes
of a long running theater play

[Erthona]

This is a nice image, however, I think you could do without the last three lines, I don't think it needs that explanation. Up to this point you have been describing what can be seen, I see no reason why you need to start philosophizing at this point. To me it only weakens the poem.

Dale

[Humbert]

I agree with Dale, though I might even exclude the last 4 lines and end with "in a few short minutes, they will depart." I think their mortality might better be expressed without the lines following, if that is in fact what you are going for. Great read

[71degrees]

This is a nice image, however, I think you could do without the last three lines, I don't think it needs that explanation. Up to this point you have been describing what can be seen, I see no reason why you need to start philosophizing at this point. To me it only weakens the poem.

Dale

Totally agree. I over-write all the time. Thanks.

---

I agree with Dale, though I might even exclude the last 4 lines and end with "in a few short minutes, they will depart." I think their mortality might better be expressed without the lines following, if that is in fact what you are going for. Great read

You are the third person to not like my last image. Methinks I should do something about that. Thanks for the read.

---

ReWrite


The Little Things

It looked like a painting,
what the painter sees,
only it was the little things

the aging couple, at the little cafe,
the tiny tables, the man, his hair white,
thinning, thick glasses, the empty plate
in front of him pushed to the middle
of the table; he was eating cherry pie,
he held his fork in his left hand
like a music baton, accessible

the little woman across from him,
her hair also white, a soft hat on,
like a little bird in a nest,
she was sipping chicken soup,
a glass of water, ice half-melted, half
empty, it seemed like she was waiting
for something small, a bit of conversation

this aging couple, they love each other;
the man’s free right hand touching
her left index finger, a small gesture;
in a few short minutes, they will enter
a different landscape, natural depth
borrowed from each other’s perspective

[makeshift]

I like the imagery here. The enjambment going on in the second stanza with "empty plate" and "middle" was really nice. The way you switched between images felt very cinematic to me, not entirely sure why, but each image felt like a cut in a movie scene. In the third stanza I liked the flow from white -> soft hat -> bird ... nest ->chicken soup, all the images play really well off one another.

I think the title doesn't really add much, only because you end the first stanza with the same phrase. Not that it takes away from the poem, I reckon the repetition may have been purposeful, but if so its affect was lost on me. "this aging couple, they love each other; " This line feels a bit too sentimental imo. I like your revised ending better then your original though i'm still not sure i'f im sold. JMHO JHMO thnx for sharing

[71degrees]

I like the imagery here. The enjambment going on in the second stanza with "empty plate" and "middle" was really nice. The way you switched between images felt very cinematic to me, not entirely sure why, but each image felt like a cut in a movie scene. In the third stanza I liked the flow from white -> soft hat -> bird ... nest ->chicken soup, all the images play really well off one another.

I think the title doesn't really add much, only because you end the first stanza with the same phrase. Not that it takes away from the poem, I reckon the repetition may have been purposeful, but if so its affect was lost on me. "this aging couple, they love each other; " This line feels a bit too sentimental imo. I like your revised ending better then your original though i'm still not sure i'f im sold. JMHO JHMO thnx for sharing

Makeshift: Thanks. I write theatre. I try to blend some of the technique into certain poems. Your response tells me I'm on the right track. I agree about the title. I rarely use the real titles w/my posted poems.

You are also the second person who commented about "…they love each other" line. May have to revisit this. Again, thanks.

[justcloudy]

71, this is a really calm and tender piece that I keep coming back to, thanks for sharing. Yes to the cinematic feel, and for me it also channels Hooper's Nighthawks a bit.

I really liked the first ending better, the second was erring on the side of pretentious/preachy I felt. Maybe you could cut out the last line and use something about the theater play as the title. But maybe you already did that since you don't post your real titles, who knows.

Please do get rid of the "they love each other" line. It's so obvious and simplistic and ugly in comparison with the rest. I'm sure it's there for a reason, but however clear that reason may be to you, it isn't to the readers.

Thanks for sharing and good luck with this one, it'll be quite lovely once you get it right!

-justcloudy

[just mercedes]

I enjoyed your write, and the revisions you've made have tightened up the poem. Some notes:
ReWrite


The Little Things

It looked like a painting,
what the painter sees,
only it was the little things [For me this whole first stanza is not needed. You tell your reader what you then spend the next lines on showing them. ]

the aging couple, at the little cafe, [This stanza seems riddled with 'the'- try to trim them out]
the tiny tables, the man, his hair white,
thinning, thick glasses, the empty plate [love the thin/thick tension here]
in front of him pushed to the middle ['the empty plate in front of him' feels clunky - why not try just 'his empty plate'?]
of the table; he was eating cherry pie,
he held his fork in his left hand ['fork held in' much smoother than 'he held his fork']
like a music baton, accessible

the little woman across from him,
her hair also white, a soft hat on,
like a little bird in a nest, [nice images]
she was sipping chicken soup,
a glass of water, ice half-melted, half
empty, it seemed like she was waiting [she seemed to wait]?
for something small, a bit of conversation

this aging couple, they love each other; [not needed]
the man’s free right hand touching [I'd rather see active verb forms - try 'touches']
her left index finger, a small gesture;
in a few short minutes, they will enter
a different landscape, natural depth
borrowed from each other’s perspective
[/quote] [good strong ending]

[71degrees]

Another Revision of "The Little Things"

Vanishing Point

It looks like a painting,
what an artist might see:

an aging couple, at a little cafe, tiny
tables, the man, his white hair, thinning,
thick glasses, his empty plate pushed
to the middle of the table; he is eating
cherry pie, holding his fork in his left hand
like a music baton, accessible

the smallish woman across from him,
her hair also white, a soft hat on,
like a little bird in a nest; she is sipping
chicken soup; her water glass, ice half-
melted; she seems to be waiting for something
small, a bit of conversation

the man’s free right hand touches
the woman’s left index finger,
a small gesture; in a few minutes,
they will enter a different landscape,
their natural depth borrowed
from each other’s perspective

[visualcondyle]

Another Revision of "The Little Things"

Vanishing Point

It looks like a painting,
what an artist might see:

an aging couple, at a little cafe, tiny
tables, the man, his white hair, thinning,
thick glasses, his empty plate pushed
to the middle of the table; he is eating
cherry pie, holding his fork in his left hand
like a music baton, accessible

the smallish woman across from him,
her hair also white, a soft hat on,
like a little bird in a nest; she is sipping
chicken soup; her water glass, ice half-
melted; she seems to be waiting for something
small, a bit of conversation

the man’s free right hand touches
the woman’s left index finger,
a small gesture; in a few minutes,
they will enter a different landscape,
their natural depth borrowed
from each other’s perspective

---------

Vanishing Point

It looks like a painting, you could also use a dash here
what an artist might see:

an aging couple, at a little cafe, tiny I'd remove "," after couple
tables, the man, his white hair, thinning, -"," after hair
thick glasses, his empty plate pushed
to the middle of the table; he is eating
cherry pie, holding his fork in his left hand his fork in hand like a music baton,
like a music baton, accessible ,

the smallish woman across from him, the petite/small woman
her hair also white, a soft hat on, her hair his mirror,
like a little bird in a nest; she is sipping a soft hat, a nest for little birds
chicken soup; her water glass, ice half-
melted; she seems to be waiting for something
small, a bit of conversation you could leave out small for redundancy

the man’s free right hand touches his right hand touches
the woman’s left index finger, her left index finger
a small gesture; in a few minutes, period after gesture?
they will enter a different landscape,
their natural depth borrowed make clearer
from each other’s perspective "


Hey there,

I think it's great that you are working so hard on this poem I love the
imagery involved, it's a fantastic narrative. I can see everything so
clearly, and that's how something narrative ought to be.

The last two lines are a little unclear to me, perhaps you can re-evaluate
so I can connect to them more as a the reader. I am unsure what you mean by them.

I wish you luck in any future revisions!

-VisualCondyle (Tara)

[71degrees]

Another Revision of "The Little Things"

Vanishing Point

It looks like a painting,
what an artist might see:

an aging couple, at a little cafe, tiny
tables, the man, his white hair, thinning,
thick glasses, his empty plate pushed
to the middle of the table; he is eating
cherry pie, holding his fork in his left hand
like a music baton, accessible

the smallish woman across from him,
her hair also white, a soft hat on,
like a little bird in a nest; she is sipping
chicken soup; her water glass, ice half-
melted; she seems to be waiting for something
small, a bit of conversation

the man’s free right hand touches
the woman’s left index finger,
a small gesture; in a few minutes,
they will enter a different landscape,
their natural depth borrowed
from each other’s perspective

---------

Vanishing Point

It looks like a painting, you could also use a dash here
what an artist might see:

an aging couple, at a little cafe, tiny I'd remove "," after couple
tables, the man, his white hair, thinning, -"," after hair
thick glasses, his empty plate pushed
to the middle of the table; he is eating
cherry pie, holding his fork in his left hand his fork in hand like a music baton,
like a music baton, accessible ,

the smallish woman across from him, the petite/small woman
her hair also white, a soft hat on, her hair his mirror,
like a little bird in a nest; she is sipping a soft hat, a nest for little birds
chicken soup; her water glass, ice half-
melted; she seems to be waiting for something
small, a bit of conversation you could leave out small for redundancy

the man’s free right hand touches his right hand touches
the woman’s left index finger, her left index finger
a small gesture; in a few minutes, period after gesture?
they will enter a different landscape,
their natural depth borrowed make clearer
from each other’s perspective "


Hey there,

I think it's great that you are working so hard on this poem I love the
imagery involved, it's a fantastic narrative. I can see everything so
clearly, and that's how something narrative ought to be.

The last two lines are a little unclear to me, perhaps you can re-evaluate
so I can connect to them more as a the reader. I am unsure what you mean by them.

I wish you luck in any future revisions!

-VisualCondyle (Tara)

Tara: you can critique my stuff anytime you want. The last two lines are an attempt at art language, which is the gist of the poem. Life = art, so to speak. Since this scene looks like a painting to the narrator (what an artist might see) but it's really real life, I am supposing the two participants also have an artistic perspective of their surrounding. Vanishing Point (as an art term)vanishing point is that spot on the horizon line (on canvas) to which the receeding parallel lines diminish. The two participants are about to leave. They will "vanish" into a different landscape, so to speak. I'm fascinated by poetry = art…the similarities to other mediums, even painting. Imagery is painting.

I'm talking too much. Thanks for the critique. Will revisit many of your suggestions.