Sonnet

[Arachnid_Poet]

Sonnet to Crush

I long to share a starry crush with you;
Before I clean these eyes with secrecy,
Nocturnal soul disarms romance in who
I taint my heart with beats of jealousy.
Adonis follows him eternally
Attach angelic summons tracing flesh
As cupid fades with star struck tragedy
Depart with lucid flame set to confess
And we decay hereafter nonetheless
As I ascend a tomb of silent screams
Soft rainbows blanket our dissolved caress
arachnids web whatever is our last dream
Pernicious Nightshade withers in with me
Awhirl within content epiphany



**this is my first sonnet I ever wrote. Go easy on me.**

[just mercedes]

Impressive for a first sonnet! I have a lot of problem with your abstractions though - I can't picture what you're talking about, and it bugs me. I like the way you've managed to stay within the bounds of rhyme and meter, but it bothers me that I still don't know what the heck you're talking about.

Sonnet to Crush

I long to share a starry crush with you; [why not a pie and peas, or something I can see?]
Before I clean these eyes with secrecy, [makes no sense to me ]
Nocturnal soul disarms romance in who [whom? Whose nocturnal soul are you discussing?]]
I taint my heart with beats of jealousy. [not making sense again]
Adonis follows him eternally [I can see this! Yay!]
Attach angelic summons tracing flesh [if Adonis is acting, this should be attaches - but how can a summons trace flesh?]
As cupid fades with star struck tragedy [if Adonis rates a capital letter, so should Cupid. Star-struck needs a hyphen]
Depart with lucid flame set to confess [who or what departs? confusing]
And we decay hereafter nonetheless
As I ascend a tomb of silent screams [ascend to? an air tomb?]
Soft rainbows blanket our dissolved caress [wtf is a dissolved caress?]
arachnids web whatever is our last dream [this line's meter doesn't scan]
Pernicious Nightshade withers in with me [that's another image I can see, finally!]
Awhirl within content epiphany [again - wtf is content epiphany?]



**this is my first sonnet I ever wrote. Go easy on me.**

There's barely a noun without an adjective, and I think this is a response by you to the form, same as all the little filler words 'as' 'and' etc - there to pick up a gap in the meter, and not necessary to the meaning of the poem.

You have worked hard to get the rhyme and meter schemes working, but at the cost of the message. It's a great start though, so keep working at it. Don't feel you have to justify anything you've done, just think about what I'm saying in my comments. Ignore them if they don't help you.

If you revise, please post the revision on top of the original, so readers can see where and how the changes came about. This helps everyone!

[Arachnid_Poet]

Impressive for a first sonnet! I have a lot of problem with your abstractions though - I can't picture what you're talking about, and it bugs me. I like the way you've managed to stay within the bounds of rhyme and meter, but it bothers me that I still don't know what the heck you're talking about.

Sonnet to Crush

I long to share a starry crush with you; [why not a pie and peas, or something I can see?]
Before I clean these eyes with secrecy, [makes no sense to me ]
Nocturnal soul disarms romance in who [whom? Whose nocturnal soul are you discussing?]]
I taint my heart with beats of jealousy. [not making sense again]
Adonis follows him eternally [I can see this! Yay!]
Attach angelic summons tracing flesh [if Adonis is acting, this should be attaches - but how can a summons trace flesh?]
As cupid fades with star struck tragedy [if Adonis rates a capital letter, so should Cupid. Star-struck needs a hyphen]
Depart with lucid flame set to confess [who or what departs? confusing]
And we decay hereafter nonetheless
As I ascend a tomb of silent screams [ascend to? an air tomb?]
Soft rainbows blanket our dissolved caress [wtf is a dissolved caress?]
arachnids web whatever is our last dream [this line's meter doesn't scan]
Pernicious Nightshade withers in with me [that's another image I can see, finally!]
Awhirl within content epiphany [again - wtf is content epiphany?]



**this is my first sonnet I ever wrote. Go easy on me.**

There's barely a noun without an adjective, and I think this is a response by you to the form, same as all the little filler words 'as' 'and' etc - there to pick up a gap in the meter, and not necessary to the meaning of the poem.

You have worked hard to get the rhyme and meter schemes working, but at the cost of the message. It's a great start though, so keep working at it. Don't feel you have to justify anything you've done, just think about what I'm saying in my comments. Ignore them if they don't help you.

If you revise, please post the revision on top of the original, so readers can see where and how the changes came about. This helps everyone!

thanks for the feedback! I will revise it for sure! Just give me some time

[shemthepenman]

Sonnet to Crush

I long to share a starry crush with you;
Before I clean these eyes with secrecy,
Nocturnal soul disarms romance in who
I taint my heart with beats of jealousy.
Adonis follows him eternally
Attach angelic summons tracing flesh
As cupid fades with star struck tragedy
Depart with lucid flame set to confess
And we decay hereafter nonetheless
As I ascend a tomb of silent screams
Soft rainbows blanket our dissolved caress
arachnids web whatever is our last dream
Pernicious Nightshade withers in with me
Awhirl within content epiphany



**this is my first sonnet I ever wrote. Go easy on me.**

I won't go over the whole thing line by line, i can see it has already been given a thorough going over. And you have explicitly asked to "go easy" on you, in which case just a reiteration of the previous comment.

It is somewhat confusing, and I suspect this is because the poem is about, possibly the most worn out subject a poem can be about, love. I have no idea how long you have been writing poetry (you said this is your first sonnet, which could be an indication), but it is the great irony that the most difficult subjects to write good or original or even half decent poetry about are the subjects the new or newish poets seem compelled to address. Namely, love, death, god, sex (and the weather, for some reason)etc. in which case, what is weakest in your poem (the almost relentless mess of words inexplicably shat on the page) also indicates that you are aware that the subject itself is a cliche, which could be your greatest strength. Now all you have to do is make it make sense (sense in the broadest sense).

[ellajam]

Hi, AP, welcome,

I feel your pain, I'm just learning to write sonnets too, and it's as if I can write in form (mostly) or I can write a poem but can't do both at once. I'm hoping if I keep writing bad sonnets eventually a poem will come through one.

Suggestions:

Post and edit the hell out of them. People here have been very generous with their time and expertise pulling mine along.

Read Leanne's intro on the sonnet practice thread, and read her many sonnets here.

Listen for IP, it's all over.

Good luck to both of us.

[billy]

hi AC
we try not to go easy on people, we only try to go honest on them :J:

if this is your first sonnet, then it's extremely well done, you have an odd line where the meter fails, but the rhyme and meter are almost spot on. [flesh/confess scream/dreams ] is a struggle though it looks like it's from the pen of someone who's written a few at least.

to the poem...
i think the first reply the poem got said what needed to be said so i've point out the things that really affect me as the reader. it's to busy crush in the first line and the title weakens them both.

use some punctuation; periods before caps etc. not all lines need a capitol letter though i know it can be a choice. unless the poem is great it weakens the poem.

welcome to the site and thanks for the read.

Sonnet to Crush

I long to share a starry crush with you; i understand what you mean but it doesn't read to well,
Before I clean these eyes with secrecy,
Nocturnal soul disarms romance in who if it's a question give it a ? if it isn't don't form it as a question.
I taint my heart with beats of jealousy. i quite like this line, it shows you know you're affescted [not you the 1st person]
Adonis follows him eternally
Attach angelic summons tracing flesh this line is a struggle, take some of the smootering out, there's way to much going on.
As cupid fades with star struck tragedy
Depart with lucid flame set to confess
And we decay hereafter nonetheless
As I ascend a tomb of silent screams
Soft rainbows blanket our dissolved caress
arachnids web whatever is our last dream half a foot to much, a suggestion would be to remove last.
Pernicious Nightshade withers in with me
Awhirl within content epiphany



**this is my first sonnet I ever wrote. Go easy on me.**

[Arachnid_Poet]

Billy, thanks for the suggestion. I think when I copied it, some of my lines got messed up somehow. A few lines didn't come out I wrote them on paper? I'm going to revise it though. I'm going to discard most of it, but not all of it and I spent a month with Mercedes working on the sonnet. It took me awhile to get the hang of meter and now that I've gotten better with it, it's time to make another Phoenix rise from some ashes. By easy, I just meant don't call it trashy or anything. Good, honest feedback is important to me.

---

Hi, AP, welcome,

I feel your pain, I'm just learning to write sonnets too, and it's as if I can write in form (mostly) or I can write a poem but can't do both at once. I'm hoping if I keep writing bad sonnets eventually a poem will come through one.

Suggestions:

Post and edit the hell out of them. People here have been very generous with their time and expertise pulling mine along.

Read Leanne's intro on the sonnet practice thread, and read her many sonnets here.

Listen for IP, it's all over.

Good luck to both of us.

that's right best of luck to both of us! I've been writing for about 10 years but I never attempted meter, sonnets, triolets, etc etc in those 10 years. It's tough but worth it in the end.

---

Sonnet to Crush

I long to share a starry crush with you;
Before I clean these eyes with secrecy,
Nocturnal soul disarms romance in who
I taint my heart with beats of jealousy.
Adonis follows him eternally
Attach angelic summons tracing flesh
As cupid fades with star struck tragedy
Depart with lucid flame set to confess
And we decay hereafter nonetheless
As I ascend a tomb of silent screams
Soft rainbows blanket our dissolved caress
arachnids web whatever is our last dream
Pernicious Nightshade withers in with me
Awhirl within content epiphany



**this is my first sonnet I ever wrote. Go easy on me.**

I won't go over the whole thing line by line, i can see it has already been given a thorough going over. And you have explicitly asked to "go easy" on you, in which case just a reiteration of the previous comment.

It is somewhat confusing, and I suspect this is because the poem is about, possibly the most worn out subject a poem can be about, love. I have no idea how long you have been writing poetry (you said this is your first sonnet, which could be an indication), but it is the great irony that the most difficult subjects to write good or original or even half decent poetry about are the subjects the new or newish poets seem compelled to address. Namely, love, death, god, sex (and the weather, for some reason)etc. in which case, what is weakest in your poem (the almost relentless mess of words inexplicably shat on the page) also indicates that you are aware that the subject itself is a cliche, which could be your greatest strength. Now all you have to do is make it make sense (sense in the broadest sense).

I've been writing for about 10 years and in that time, I never attempted meter, sonnets, the whole nine yards. I wrote prose mainly. Now that I am trying to learn to write sonnets and meter and such, it's a challenge but worthwhile if you stick with it. Thanks for taking the time to read it! And thanks so much for the honest feedback!!!

[ChristopherSea]

Always write the poem first, then work out the meter and rhyme. If the poem holds no interest or does not make any sense, it will fail to fly before the form ever takes wing. Good luck with the next edit! Cheers/Chris

[billy]

Billy, thanks for the suggestion. I think when I copied it, some of my lines got messed up somehow. A few lines didn't come out I wrote them on paper? I'm going to revise it though. I'm going to discard most of it, but not all of it and I spent a month with Mercedes working on the sonnet. It took me awhile to get the hang of meter and now that I've gotten better with it, it's time to make another Phoenix rise from some ashes. By easy, I just meant don't call it trashy or anything. Good, honest feedback is important to me.

that you "worked on it" is very rewarding to me and probably others here. it shows commitment and the wanting to improve. for some of us, doing a decent sonnet takes a life time
looking forward to the edit.

a suggestion is to start out with as simple a poem (sonnet or whatever other form you're working on) as you can get away with. after that, expand to be more refined and ambitious.

[Arachnid_Poet]

Billy, thanks for the suggestion. I think when I copied it, some of my lines got messed up somehow. A few lines didn't come out I wrote them on paper? I'm going to revise it though. I'm going to discard most of it, but not all of it and I spent a month with Mercedes working on the sonnet. It took me awhile to get the hang of meter and now that I've gotten better with it, it's time to make another Phoenix rise from some ashes. By easy, I just meant don't call it trashy or anything. Good, honest feedback is important to me.

that you "worked on it" is very rewarding to me and probably others here. it shows commitment and the wanting to improve. for some of us, doing a decent sonnet takes a life time
looking forward to the edit.

a suggestion is to start out with as simple a poem (sonnet or whatever other form you're working on) as you can get away with. after that, expand to be more refined and ambitious.

It will take me some time to get the edited form done, but I am working on it. As I said it took me a month to get the meter down and I'm still learning the meter. I don't mind focusing on my writing. It helps me block out other issues I might be facing. Yes Christophersea, I try to get the poem out first then go back for the editing and the meter and the syllable counting. I also think the Spenserian sonnet might be more challenging than the other forms as well.