View from a College Window

[heslopian]

A dirty window blocks the wind and rain,
but through it I see their bleak effects
on houses and trees and lawn arrangements.
A rotten rusting white metal chair,
beside its fellows of brotherly creed.
Around a central table, I assume,
though large and ragged trees obscure my view.
Appropriately sad, I think, a lawn
for entertaining guests in summer or
the spring, now wilting darkly in the rain.

[ChristopherSea]

A dirty window blocks the wind and rain,
but through it I see their bleak effects
on houses and trees and lawn arrangements.
A rotten rusting white metal chair,
beside its fellows of brotherly creed.
Around a central table, I assume,
though large and ragged trees obscure my view.
Appropriately sad, I think, a lawn
for entertaining guests in summer or
the spring, now wilting darkly in the rain.


Hey Hes, I like this window-scape that you have painted and it makes for a nice tone poem. However, what do you think of ‘lawn furniture’? Arrangements sounds off, but it is probably the difference between the King’s English and new world lingo that is throwing me. 'Rotten' seems too biological for a metal chair. If you just want the alliteration, ‘rickety’ might work. This could be me, but do you need both the dirt and trees obscuring your view? I ask this, as you make some rather detailed observations for someone who has their view that blocked. There appears to be something disjointed with the last three lines. Some of the problem may be punctuation, yet a couple verbs seem to be missing as well. Let me show you how I would like to read them:

A rotten rusting white metal chair,
beside its fellows of brotherly creed,
slumps around a central table, I assume,
though large and ragged trees obscure my view.

Appropriately sad, I think, a lawn
for entertaining guests in summer or
the spring is now wilting darkly in the rain.

Finally, 'wilting' has a parched conotation, perhaps something like flaccid or drooping (another alliteration) would serve you better. I hope something herein helps you with your next edit. See what you think./Chris

[just mercedes]

I like the circular nature of your poem - starts and ends with rain, so very British. I like the empty feeling, the mood of solitary contemplation which the scene echoes. If it is a familiar scene, as the title suggests, then why does the narrator 'assume' what is there but not seen?

A dirty window blocks the wind and rain,
but through it I see their bleak effects [I like the sounds blocks/bleak but find 'bleak' too telling somehow]
on houses and trees and [lawn arrangements.] arrangements of the lawn, or on the lawn?
A rotten rusting white metal chair, - too many descriptives in a row
beside its fellows [of brotherly creed.] tautology?
Around a central table, I assume,
though large and ragged trees obscure my view.[I think someone else commented on how much you can see, though blocked by dirty window and trees - does feel a bit weak]
[Appropriately sad, I think] - this feels intrusive, even though the whole scene is seen through the narrator's eyes - try without it
a lawn
for entertaining guests [in summer or
the spring,] - in better weather? now wilting darkly in the rain.

I think your poem is a good example of how 'tone' can project a mood or emotion with a simple description of place.

[Erthona]

As it is the "lawn"..."now wilting darkly in the rain" I have no problem with it. There are a number of things one "could" change, but most relate to preference. Except for the hint of nostalgia and personification, this is a very "Imagist" sort of poem, and although you have strayed outside of the purely objective, I think that is the strength of the poem. Without the "sentimentality" the poem would be more drab than the scene that it describes.


Dale

[71degrees]

A dirty window blocks the wind and rain,
but through it I see their bleak effects
on houses and trees and lawn arrangements.
A rotten rusting white metal chair,
beside its fellows of brotherly creed.
Around a central table, I assume,
though large and ragged trees obscure my view.
Appropriately sad, I think, a lawn
for entertaining guests in summer or
the spring, now wilting darkly in the rain.

By bringing in a narrator, it adds a touch of opinion that isn't needed. The focus should be on the view. Write about the view. The poem is about the view. It's the view. Pronouns add nothing. Why "their?" Why the need to personify? It's the view. "I think" or "I assume" clogs things. I already know you are thinking…SOMEONE is up there. Love the detail. Love the message. Do not like the presentation.

[Humbert]

I really like the blank verse you used in most of the lines. Lines 2 through 5 are exceptions. If you edited those lines slightly to make them the same non-rhyming iambic pentameter, the whole poem would have a nice rhythm that would make it more readable.

Otherwise, I like it. Thanks.

My thoughts exactly! The rhythm was nicely introduced and sort of lost in those lines. I like the feel of the poem, though I think some punctuation might be changed. The part that stuck out to me was the last sentence. I just feel like it should read

Appropriately sad, I think, a lawn
for entertaining guests in summer or
the spring is now wilting darkly in the rain.

The only problem with that is that might throw off the iambic pentameter going on, but if you could find a way to clean up that last sentence I think it would really strengthen the poem.

Thanks for the read

[billy]

i liked this a lot.
it has that bored as fuck feeling we get when we daydream
any edit it needs need only be slight.
thanks for the read jack.

A dirty window blocks the wind and rain,
but through it I see their bleak effects
on houses and trees and lawn arrangements.
A rotten rusting white metal chair, this line feels a bit too full
beside its fellows of brotherly creed. not sure creed works too well a suggestion would be [need]
Around a central table, I assume, i'm not sure the [i assume] is needed. i'm able to see the assumption because of the obscured view in the next line.
though large and ragged trees obscure my view.
Appropriately sad, I think, a lawn make the thought stand out maybe use italics.
for entertaining guests in summer or
the spring, now wilting darkly in the rain.

[heslopian]

Thank you all for your kind, honest and in-depth feedback. I've read each comment and like a lot of your suggestions, particularly those involving personification and objectivity. I wrote this one on a bit of scrap paper to relax my brain while in college, then edited it later. Thank you again for your thoughtful comments; I do appreciate them