Coming of Age, Again (Give an Inch) edit #4.1

[milo]

Well, I've given this the once over, no new title yet.

Thanks so much for everyone's time, if you can spare a bit more, a new dissection is welcome.

Just a quick note that meant to make on v1 but forgot - the double "with s" aren't working, maybe hair an sex?

[ellajam]

Well, I've given this the once over, no new title yet.

Thanks so much for everyone's time, if you can spare a bit more, a new dissection is welcome.

Just a quick note that meant to make on v1 but forgot - the double "with s" aren't working, maybe hair an sex?

Thanks, I've gone back and forth, I'll try and.

[milo]

Well, I've given this the once over, no new title yet.

Thanks so much for everyone's time, if you can spare a bit more, a new dissection is welcome.

Just a quick note that meant to make on v1 but forgot - the double "with s" aren't working, maybe hair an sex?

Thanks, I've gone back and forth, I'll try and.

Alternatively - what is the bond of hair with sex

(Though I would prefer ad in that line too)

[ellajam]

Just a quick note that meant to make on v1 but forgot - the double "with s" aren't working, maybe hair an sex?

Thanks, I've gone back and forth, I'll try and.

Alternatively - what is the bond of hair with sex

(Though I would prefer ad in that line too)

I like the conversational tone in the hair/sex line, but I'll think on whether or not it weakens the poem.

[abu nuwas]

I like this very much as it has developed. Your heroine reminds me a little of George Sand, who had a series of lovers, plus husband, including Chopin, and the author of the book on which the opera 'Carmen' is based, (Mérimée) and Alfred de Musset. Her writings were quite anti-establishment at the time. Then, of a sudden, she decided to play the graceful grand-mother, wrote books of a very different sort, and was altogether a good egg.

As it happens, I profoundly disagree with your heroine: as long as there is peroxide available, were I a woman, I'd use it --but I ain't. I think it a good example of workshopping -- plenty of you remains, and it is you who have chosen to accept or reject suggestions.

[ellajam]

Thanks for reading, abu, and for your interesting comments.

Our heroine is in the process, who knows what the result will be?

[milo]

edit #1


The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a lightweight dye that did the trick.
Ten years of monthly rinses flew,
her tresses long, dark brown and thick,
incongruent as laugh lines grew.
One day she woke and asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
Now with the grace old age bequeaths
her silver rises from beneath.

for me, I like many of the changes.

A couple areas that give me problems now:

"dove in"
"lightweight" *
did you consider "her tresses stayed dark brown and thick"?
"incongruent"

*I actually waver back and forth on lightweight as I like the double meaning but I may like the implied meaning better than the stated.

Just some thoughts, if they don't bother others, just disregard.

---

Just noticed the new title. i will have to chew the whole thing over a few more times now . . .

[Truerenigma]

The edit is excellent in tone and voice. the first 5 lines come across as effortless with no distraction—very colloquial while also musical, but show great control with the music. actually reminds me a bit of leanne's work, not in verbiage really, something more than that, something like tone, beyond that, attitude , something about the way it comes off the page, comes alive; there is an attitude that is confident without being overbearing, sure but unassuming.

incongruent must go. not too fond of "bequeaths" either, and "her silver rises from beneath" falls a little flat, but there is a lot for me to love here.

The first time was to please an ex
much better that the original. "the first time" hooks in a way that "she did it" never will. It grabbed me, had me eager to hear about the "first time" the first time what? I must read on, I have to know!
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
the bemused yet light, witty, and conversational way you let your narrator address the audience here is simply marvelous. it makes an already interesting question more interesting.
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a lightweight dye that did the trick. did the trick is doing something interesting here too, it makes my tongue dance.
Ten years of monthly rinses flew,
her tresses long, dark brown and thick,
incongruent as laugh lines .
One day she woke and asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
these lines in italics seem to share some of the strength, attitude, and great sounds that I loved in the first two stanzas, the rest feels like it runs out of steam all the way to the couplets (aside from these three lines.)
Now with the grace old age bequeaths
her silver rises from beneath.

[ellajam]

edit #1


The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a lightweight dye that did the trick.
Ten years of monthly rinses flew,
her tresses long, dark brown and thick,
incongruent as laugh lines grew.
One day she woke and asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
Now with the grace old age bequeaths
her silver rises from beneath.

for me, I like many of the changes.

A couple areas that give me problems now:

"dove in"
"lightweight" *
did you consider "her tresses stayed dark brown and thick"?
"incongruent"

*I actually waver back and forth on lightweight as I like the double meaning but I may like the implied meaning better than the stated.

Just some thoughts, if they don't bother others, just disregard.

---

Just noticed the new title. i will have to chew the whole thing over a few more times now . . .

"dove in" may have gone overboard, ha, when I dumped the "fought" it idea, but dying is akin to "taking the plunge".

Let me know where you land on "lightweight".

Stayed seemed too similar to still, no?

What is it you dislike about incongruent? I think it has the right meaning, is the sound of it off?

The title gave me a giggle. I wanted to keep silver and gold/bold popped up. Not married to it.

Thanks for reading, milo, I'll look again at all those points.

[milo]

edit #1


The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a lightweight dye that did the trick.
Ten years of monthly rinses flew,
her tresses long, dark brown and thick,
incongruent as laugh lines grew.
One day she woke and asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
Now with the grace old age bequeaths
her silver rises from beneath.

for me, I like many of the changes.

A couple areas that give me problems now:

"dove in"
"lightweight" *
did you consider "her tresses stayed dark brown and thick"?
"incongruent"

*I actually waver back and forth on lightweight as I like the double meaning but I may like the implied meaning better than the stated.

Just some thoughts, if they don't bother others, just disregard.

---

Just noticed the new title. i will have to chew the whole thing over a few more times now . . .

"dove in" may have gone overboard, ha, when I dumped the "fought" it idea, but dying is akin to "taking the plunge".

Let me know where you land on "lightweight".

Stayed seemed too similar to still, no?

What is it you dislike about incongruent? I think it has the right meaning, is the sound of it off?

The title gave me a giggle. I wanted to keep silver and gold/bold popped up. Not married to it.

Thanks for reading, milo, I'll look again at all those points.

I think the line "tresses long, dark brown and thick" has too much modification. "still" is not a verb, it just sits there. 'stayed", inmho, tells a story where still does not.

"incongruent" feels too alien for me for this poem. Everything else is pretty natural, the voicing of incongruent just feels wrong. Something light like "blonde" or "dizzy" or "shallow" but, of course probably none of those exactly, you will come up with something i am sure.

[ellajam]

The edit is excellent in tone and voice. the first 5 lines come across as effortless with no distraction—very colloquial while also musical, but show great control with the music. actually reminds me a bit of leanne's work, not in verbiage really, something more than that, something like tone, beyond that, attitude , something about the way it comes off the page, comes alive; there is an attitude that is confident without being overbearing, sure but unassuming.

incongruent must go. not too fond of "bequeaths" either, and "her silver rises from beneath" falls a little flat, but there is a lot for me to love here.

The first time was to please an ex
much better that the original. "the first time" hooks in a way that "she did it" never will. It grabbed me, had me eager to hear about the "first time" the first time what? I must read on, I have to know!
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
the bemused yet light, witty, and conversational way you let your narrator address the audience here is simply marvelous. it makes an already interesting question more interesting.
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a lightweight dye that did the trick. did the trick is doing something interesting here too, it makes my tongue dance.
Ten years of monthly rinses flew,
her tresses long, dark brown and thick,
incongruent as laugh lines grew.
One day she woke and asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
these lines in italics seem to share some of the strength, attitude, and great sounds that I loved in the first two stanzas, the rest feels like it runs out of steam all the way to the couplets (aside from these three lines.)
Now with the grace old age bequeaths
her silver rises from beneath.

Thanks so much for reading, true.

So, it's those four center lines and the couplet.
I really like the couplet, and the silver does rise from beneath, but reading it before "sliver rises" caught my tongue. I'll think it out. No bequeaths? Ah well, I'll see what I can do.

I was so happy when incongruent came to mind, two thumbs down now, something to work on.

I appreciate the time you've taken and your enthusiastic comments.
Stay tuned.

And thank milo for that first time.

---

Thanks for the explanation, milo, I'll work on that whole section.

[Truerenigma]

The edit is excellent in tone and voice. the first 5 lines come across as effortless with no distraction—very colloquial while also musical, but show great control with the music. actually reminds me a bit of leanne's work, not in verbiage really, something more than that, something like tone, beyond that, attitude , something about the way it comes off the page, comes alive; there is an attitude that is confident without being overbearing, sure but unassuming.

incongruent must go. not too fond of "bequeaths" either, and "her silver rises from beneath" falls a little flat, but there is a lot for me to love here.

The first time was to please an ex
much better that the original. "the first time" hooks in a way that "she did it" never will. It grabbed me, had me eager to hear about the "first time" the first time what? I must read on, I have to know!
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
the bemused yet light, witty, and conversational way you let your narrator address the audience here is simply marvelous. it makes an already interesting question more interesting.
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a lightweight dye that did the trick. did the trick is doing something interesting here too, it makes my tongue dance.
Ten years of monthly rinses flew,
her tresses long, dark brown and thick,
incongruent as laugh lines grew.
One day she woke and asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
these lines in italics seem to share some of the strength, attitude, and great sounds that I loved in the first two stanzas, the rest feels like it runs out of steam all the way to the couplets (aside from these three lines.)
Now with the grace old age bequeaths
her silver rises from beneath.

Thanks so much for reading, true.

So, it's those four center lines and the couplet.
I really like the couplet, and the silver does rise from beneath, but reading it before "sliver rises" caught my tongue. I'll think it out. No bequeaths? Ah well, I'll see what I can do.

I was so happy when incongruent came to mind, two thumbs down now, something to work on.

I appreciate the time you've taken and your enthusiastic comments.
Stay tuned.

And thank milo for that first time.

---

Thanks for the explanation, milo, I'll work on that whole section.

Maybe the silver does rise from beneath. But it kinda drops off. Silver rises from beneath. . .[the. . . ]
idk. . . maybe I just don't like the end on beneath.

[justcloudy]

Hi ella, lovely edit.

You're clearly in good hands with milo and true, but thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.

I third that "incongruent" and "bequeath" both don't fit the established tone of the poem. Yes incongruent is the perfect idea but it really sticks out, in a bad way. Maybe for the couplet at the end you could make the second line first, like true suggested. If you're cool with slant rhymes the second line could be a play on "turning over a new leaf". Just a thought.

Overall it's a very approchable sonnet and the majority is pleasant and easy to read, and really funny too. I wasn't sold on the original but this edit was a huge improvement! Nicely done.

-justcloudy

[ellajam]

Hi ella, lovely edit.

You're clearly in good hands with milo and true, but thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.

I third that "incongruent" and "bequeath" both don't fit the established tone of the poem. Yes incongruent is the perfect idea but it really sticks out, in a bad way. Maybe for the couplet at the end you could make the second line first, like true suggested. If you're cool with slant rhymes the second line could be a play on "turning over a new leaf". Just a thought.

Overall it's a very approchable sonnet and the majority is pleasant and easy to read, and really funny too. I wasn't sold on the original but this edit was a huge improvement! Nicely done.

-justcloudy

I'll take your 2 cents any day.
Sometimes it's hard for me to hear my own work so I really appreciate you letting me know what is off.
Leaf is a lovely idea, if I can even keep beneath. I'll keep it in mind.

Thanks for your time and thoughts.

---

I put a new edit up, I'm nor sure if I've strayed too far from the original thought, or if that's a good or bad thing.

---

meh, L5, at least, stinks, I'll try not to post so quickly in the future.

[Truerenigma]

Ella,

I miss the "did the trick' line. I think you should maybe keep most of the lines in their original placement from V2, and just wait for the ideas to come to edit the parts that are problematic. Maybe just knead it and refine it a bit: focus on some of the problem words that milo pointed out, and just work on them one word at a time. I saw that Cloud thought I was saying you should switch the two lines in the couplet. That's not what I meant. But I wonder if it might work? Beneath might work for a line break if there's actually something beneath it.

[ellajam]

Ella,

I miss the "did the trick' line. I think you should maybe keep most of the lines in their original placement from V2, and just wait for the ideas to come to edit the parts that are problematic. Maybe just knead it and refine it a bit: focus on some of the problem words that milo pointed out, and just work on them one word at a time. I saw that Cloud thought I was saying you should switch the two lines in the couplet. That's not what I meant. But I wonder if it might work? Beneath might work for a line break if there's actually something beneath it.

Thanks, true, I knew the trick line was a loss but couldn't figure out how to keep it. Blame Sandra, , I got distracted by the joke verse I wrote her. Or the machete I was using.

Really, I was just getting rid of the big ideas I always try to shove in.

Word by word is a good idea. Cloudy's leaf is is nice with beneath, isn't it?

Gonna go write something else for a day or two. (I've got half a sonnet based on your chucked last line from the crown, ha.) Thanks for the good advice.

[justcloudy]

Yah rereading your post True you didn't say that at all. Funny. I thought you meant she could move the last line up (not necessarily switch them). Looking now not sure how I got that...
I do think it'd work though, but still don't like bequeath.
Anyway good luck Ella! =]

[billy]

got to the party late but would like to commend you and those who did give feedback on how to workshop a poem. kudos

[ellajam]

got to the party late but would like to commend you and those who did give feedback on how to workshop a poem. kudos

Thanks, billy. We have some very generous posters here.

Someday I might learn to put away the big knife, but I don't mind putting up some bad edits, two steps forward, one back (cliche, ha).

Thanks for reading.

[newsclippings]

edit #3 (milo, news, true, jc)

Give an Inch...

The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
She dove in with a chestnut stain.
Years passed before she asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
Her new love takes her as she is,
declares that she can do no wrong.
He then reveals his preferences:
"Babe, gray is fine, just keep it long."
She wonders why they even care,
She'd always thought it was just hair.

I certainly love the new title, and the edit is quite good ella. Sorry, I wasn't projecting earlier, I just thought the poem needed more pizzazz, and pizzazz you gave. I'd just say maybe replace:

Years passed before she asked herself
with
Years passed before she reflected
and eliminate the next line, along with "She" in the next and "her" in the line after

The out loud dialogue is weird to me (but it is still your poem).
That's all for now.

---

I just thought instead of "embraced her curiosity" you could replace "her" with "new"