My Hand Knows the Way to the Blade

[DonMar]

An ice-floe to my lava,
you froze fire at its source,
crushed an upright spirit,
defiled my dreams, and worse.

Clumsily I ricocheted
from pillory to post,
accused of things I hadn’t done,
and oh, that hurt the most.

But in that muddled mayhem,
I resolved to find an Amen,
a 'so be it' for my ragged, jagged plan.

Now a word to the wise,
and damn your eyes,
you'll wish I hadn’t stayed;
for the knife is restless
in the drawer, and my hand
knows the way to the blade.

© Donna Devine

[milo]

An ice-floe to my lava,
you froze fire at its source,
crushed my upright spirit,
defiled my dreams, and worse.

Clumsily I ricocheted
from pillory to post,
accused of things I hadn’t done,
and oh, that hurt the most.

But in that muddled mayhem,
I resolved to find an Amen,
a 'so be it' for my ragged, jagged plan.

Now a word to the wise,
and damn your eyes,
you'll wish I hadn’t stayed;
for the knife is restless
in the drawer, and my hand
knows the way to the blade.

© Donna Devine

Crushed my spirit
Defiled my dreams
Word to the wise
Muddled mayhem

Ugh.

[newsclippings]

Crushed my spirit
Defiled my dreams
Word to the wise
Muddled mayhem

Ugh.

Now now milo, that's no way to critique a poem.

[milo]

Crushed my spirit
Defiled my dreams
Word to the wise
Muddled mayhem

Ugh.

Now now milo, that's no way to critique a poem.

I feel it is sufficient. Do you have any suggestions on how to improve? (My critique, of course)

[newsclippings]

An ice-floe to my lava,
you froze fire at its source,
crushed an upright spirit,
defiled my dreams, and worse.

Clumsily I ricocheted
from pillory to post,
accused of things I hadn’t done,
and oh, that hurt the most.

But in that muddled mayhem,
I resolved to find an Amen,
a 'so be it' for my ragged, jagged plan.

Now a word to the wise,
and damn your eyes,
you'll wish I hadn’t stayed;
for the knife is restless
in the drawer, and my hand
knows the way to the blade.

© Donna Devine

While I like your use of concentrated alliterations, I think it's best you don't use tired phrases like freezing fire and someone shitting in/on/around? your dreams.

Your best three lines might be your last three lines. And I do like the "pillory to post" bit as well. But perhaps it would be best to trim the excess and start over with some of these lines/stanzas, particularly the first and fourth.

---

Crushed my spirit
Defiled my dreams
Word to the wise
Muddled mayhem

Ugh.

Now now milo, that's no way to critique a poem.

I feel it is sufficient. Do you have any suggestions on how to improve? (My critique, of course)

You need to expand on your thought process and maybe give insight as to why these particular phrases make you say "ugh."

The author put it in serious critique, but I think they would best benefit with mild for this one.

---

/sandra

[milo]

I feel it is sufficient. Do you have any suggestions on how to improve? (My critique, of course)

You need to expand on your thought process and maybe give insight as to why these particular phrases make you say "ugh."

The author put it in serious critique, but I think they would best benefit with mild for this one.

I think reading the phrases makes it obvious - it is in serious after all. I don't want to spend more time than it took to write the poem.

Did you see what I meant by the critique?

[newsclippings]

Maybe you would best benefit from a premeditated response for these types of mistakes.

[milo]

Maybe you would best benefit from a premeditated response for these types of mistakes.

Ok, let's not get off-topic, this is serious, we can discuss critique in discussion if you would like.

And to remain on topic, what is floe? Isn't it already ice? What would be the difference with an "ice-floe"?

[newsclippings]

Ice-ice baby.

[milo]

Ice-ice baby.

stop responding in this vein lest I put you in the racks (again)

/ mod

[DonMar]

Milo, you’re making an assumption. The time taken to write the poem was considerably longer than it took you to type three letters. The original piece was much longer; I’ve gradually whittled it down to its current length.

I can live happily with ‘ugh’ - I agree the lines are cliche and are best being replaced - but feel it’s only half of a serious critique. I’m interested in knowing what aspect of the poem works, what doesn’t, and what might be the best way to approach a revision.

Regarding 'floes': A 'floe' is a flat mass of floating ice.

Newsclippings, thank you for your comments/suggestions on the poem. I've taken these on board.

Donna

I don't want to spend more time than it took to write the poem.

[milo]

Milo, you’re making an assumption. The time taken to write the poem was considerably longer than it took you to type three letters. The original piece was much longer; I’ve gradually whittled it down to its current length.

I can live happily with ‘ugh’, but feel it’s only half of a serious critique. I’m interested in knowing what aspect of the poem works, what doesn’t, and what might be the best way to approach a revision.

Regarding 'floes': A 'floe' is a flat mass of floating ice.

Newsclippings, thank you for your comments/suggestions on the poem. I've taken these on board.

Donna

I don't want to spend more time than it took to write the poem.

Ok if a floe is ice, what is an ice-floe?

(Half a critique is better than none, I always say)

[DonMar]

The piece of flat, floating ice is commonly referred to as an 'ice floe'. The hyphen wasn't necessary.

Re 'half a critique': My take on this philosophy would be that it's better to say nothing than almost nothing at all.

Donna

I don't want to spend more time than it took to write the poem.

[/quote]
Ok if a floe is ice, what is an ice-floe?

(Half a critique is better than none, I always say)
[/quote]

[milo]

The piece of flat, floating ice is commonly referred to as an 'ice floe'. The hyphen wasn't necessary.

Re 'half a critique': My take on this philosophy would be that it's better to say nothing than almost nothing at all.

Donna

I don't want to spend more time than it took to write the poem.

Ok if a floe is ice, what is an ice-floe?

(Half a critique is better than none, I always say)
[/quote]
[/quote]

Without the hyphen it becomes the eqivalent of ice ice. Is this intentional?

Also is the lava owning narrator in iceland at the time of this poem? I can't think where else lava owners would run into ice owners.

And you are wrong about the almost nothing. I gave you enough to improve your poem.

[DonMar]

Without the hyphen it becomes the eqivalent of ice ice. Is this intentional? The term 'ice floe' is common; that's why I used it.

Also is the lava owning narrator in iceland at the time of this poem? I can't think where else lava owners would run into ice owners. I feel this type of background detail isn't necessary, given that 'ice floe' and 'lava' are used metaphorically.

And you are wrong about the almost nothing. It's subjective. For me it was almost nothing. I gave you enough to improve your poem. Along with newsclippings, indeed you helped confirm what I already knew - that those lines were among the weakest, and would need re-visiting. When I posted, I'd hoped for direction similar to what I give when I critique others. But I'll figure it out.

[milo]

Without the hyphen it becomes the eqivalent of ice ice. Is this intentional? The term 'ice floe' is common; that's why I used it.

Also is the lava owning narrator in iceland at the time of this poem? I can't think where else lava owners would run into ice owners. I feel this type of background detail isn't necessary, given that 'ice floe' and 'lava' are used metaphorically.

And you are wrong about the almost nothing. It's subjective. For me it was almost nothing. I gave you enough to improve your poem. Along with newsclippings, indeed you helped confirm what I already knew - that those lines were among the weakest, and would need re-visiting. When I posted, I'd hoped for direction similar to what I give when I critique. But I'll figure it out.

Is this a new metaphor of a couple that are like fire and ice? That's great, I wish i'd thought of that. Still I guess I could write a poem about an inuk romance where a literal lava owner meets a literal ice owner.

Maybe someone else will come by and point out other things more in the style that you like and you can use those instead.

[DonMar]

Is this a new metaphor of a couple that are like fire and ice? That's great, I wish i'd thought of that. Still I guess I could write a poem about an inuk romance where a literal lava owner meets a literal ice owner. Go for it.

Maybe someone else will come by and point out other things more in the style that you like and you can use those instead.

Yes, I hope so as well. it would be fair in the context of what the forum considers a relevant/comprehensive type of critique.

I always take on board what people - including yourself - point out. Though I find sarcasm neither necessary nor helpful.

[Leanne]

Milo needs a little lie down. Donna, many thanks to you for your exceptional tolerance in this thread (and to Sandra also, for being a voice of reason). I was going to remove some of those comments, but they may serve as an example of how a thread can so easily be derailed in Serious Workshopping, when the commenter's mind is not on track.

Now, to the poem.

An ice-floe to my lava,
you froze fire at its source,
crushed an upright spirit,
defiled my dreams, and worse. -- these two lines do bring in some pretty big abstractions and they're ones I think you're probably better off avoiding altogether. On a different note, source/worse is a near rhyme in my accent and I don't know if it is in yours, but to my ear it sounds out of place. Nothing wrong with near rhymes, but you don't appear to use them anywhere else.

Clumsily I ricocheted
from pillory to post,
accused of things I hadn’t done,
and oh, that hurt the most. -- this is a great stanza. It moves along quickly with good rhythm and "pillory to post" is a solid idea.

But in that muddled mayhem,
I resolved to find an Amen,
a 'so be it' for my ragged, jagged plan. -- nice change-up here but I have to say "Amen" strangely to fit it into the scheme, which would really only work if there were music accompanying it in a country-western kind of way -- and even then it would still jar to me, but probably not to millions of others.

Now a word to the wise,
and damn your eyes, -- two lines of cliche, which will work fine in said country-western song but on paper they stick out like... well, you know
you'll wish I hadn’t stayed;
for the knife is restless
in the drawer, and my hand
knows the way to the blade. -- these four lines are good though -- this makes a strong close

© Donna Devine

[DonMar]

No worries, Leanne. Good idea to leave the posts as excellent examples of how not to critique - or behave in general.

Thank you for your observations, which I've taken on board. With your feedback and Sandra's, I'm getting a clearer idea as to how I can reshape the poem. I've responded below in blue.

Donna

.

Milo needs a little lie down. Donna, many thanks to you for your exceptional tolerance in this thread (and to Sandra also, for being a voice of reason). I was going to remove some of those comments, but they may serve as an example of how a thread can so easily be derailed in Serious Workshopping, when the commenter's mind is not on track.

Now, to the poem.

An ice-floe to my lava,
you froze fire at its source,
crushed an upright spirit,
defiled my dreams, and worse. -- these two lines do bring in some pretty big abstractions and they're ones I think you're probably better off avoiding altogether. I agree. Will re-think these lines, either delete or replace. On a different note, source/worse is a near rhyme in my accent and I don't know if it is in yours, but to my ear it sounds out of place. Nothing wrong with near rhymes, but you don't appear to use them anywhere else. Yes, I was going for the near rhyme, but will look again at these lines in the context of the rest of the piece.

Clumsily I ricocheted
from pillory to post,
accused of things I hadn’t done,
and oh, that hurt the most. -- this is a great stanza. It moves along quickly with good rhythm and "pillory to post" is a solid idea.

But in that muddled mayhem,
I resolved to find an Amen,
a 'so be it' for my ragged, jagged plan. -- nice change-up here but I have to say "Amen" strangely to fit it into the scheme, which would really only work if there were music accompanying it in a country-western kind of way -- and even then it would still jar to me, but probably not to millions of others. I was going for the long 'a' in 'Amen' ('AYmen'), which would rhyme with 'mayhem'. Were you hearing it as 'AWmen'? I've never been overly fond of line 1 in this stanza, so may well look again at lines 1 & 2.

Now a word to the wise,
and damn your eyes, -- two lines of cliche, which will work fine in said country-western song but on paper they stick out like... well, you know Okey-doke. I get that. I'll definitely re-visit those lines.
you'll wish I hadn’t stayed;
for the knife is restless
in the drawer, and my hand
knows the way to the blade. -- these four lines are good though -- this makes a strong close

© Donna Devine

[Todd]

Hi Donna,

I keep wondering if what you want to do is actually expand the opening metaphor, and show the friction between heat and cold maybe mixing it up with other forms of the same substance steam, or the like perhaps. Just my initial thoughts.

Todd

An ice-floe to my lava,
you froze fire at its source,
crushed an upright spirit,
defiled my dreams, and worse.

Clumsily I ricocheted
from pillory to post,
accused of things I hadn’t done,
and oh, that hurt the most.

But in that muddled mayhem,
I resolved to find an Amen,
a 'so be it' for my ragged, jagged plan.

Now a word to the wise,
and damn your eyes,
you'll wish I hadn’t stayed;
for the knife is restless
in the drawer, and my hand
knows the way to the blade.

© Donna Devine