Millstone

[ChristopherSea]

final for now

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings in
our season of bane;
warm climate memories
are etched in hoarfrost.
The moon is unadorned
through thick-frosted panes,
its fading countenance
and majesty is lost.

Hills glint like scalpels,
mirroring disdain,
while the quaint countryside
grows ice embossed.
Oppressed flesh rises up
against icy chains
with patience adrift
in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting
of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how
extreme her accost.
We trudge through the mill
protesting in vain
until the goddess
surrenders her frost.

-------------------------------------------
Chess/billy/trueE/Brownlie edit 3

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings in
our season of bane;
warm climate memories
are etched in hoarfrost.
The moon is unadorned
through thick-frosted panes,
its fading countenance
and majesty is lost.

Hills glint like scalpels,
mirroring disdain,
while the quaint countryside
grows ice embossed.
Oppressed flesh rises up
against icy chains
with patience adrift
in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting
of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how
extreme her accost.
We trudge through the mill
protesting in vain
until the goddess
surrenders her frost.

-----------------------------------
Chess/billy/trueE edit 2

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings in
our season of bane;
warm climate memories
are etched in hoarfrost.
The moon is unadorned
through thick-frosted panes,
its fading countenance
and majesty is lost.

Hills glint like scalpels,
implements of pain,
while the quaint countryside
grows ice embossed.
Oppressed flesh rises up
against icy chains
with patience adrift
in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting
of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how
extreme her accost.
We trudge through the mill
protesting in vain
until the goddess
surrenders her frost.

--------------------------------------
Chess/billy/trueE edit 1

I'm working on editing in stages

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings in
our season of bane;
warm climate memoirs
etch in hoarfrost.
The moon is unadorned
through thick-frosted panes,
its fading countenance
and majesty lost.

Hills glint like scalpels;
implements of pain,
the quaint countryside
grows ice embossed.
Our flesh rises up
against icy chains;
patience held captive
in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting
of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme
her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish
in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess
surrenders her frost.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Short lines?

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings
our season of bane;
warm climate memoirs
etch in the hoarfrost.
The moon looks unadorned
through thick-frosted panes,
it’s fading countenance
and majesty lost.

Hills glint like scissors;
scalpels of disdain,
as the quaint countryside
grows ice embossed.
Our flesh rises up
against icy chains;
patience held captive
in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting
of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme
her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish
in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess
surrenders defrost.

-or-

Long lines?

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings our season of bane;
warm climate memoirs etch in the hoarfrost.
The moon looks unadorned through thick-frosted panes,
it’s fading countenance and majesty lost.

Hills glint like scissors; scalpels of disdain,
as the quaint countryside grows ice embossed.
Our flesh rises up against icy chains;
patience held captive in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess surrenders defrost.

[ChessPiece]

Short lines?

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings
our season of bane;
warm climate memoirs
etch in the hoarfrost.
The moon looks unadorned
through thick-frosted panes,
it’s fading countenance
and majesty lost.

Hills glint like scissors;
scalpels of disdain,
as the quaint countryside
gows ice embossed.
Flesh is uprising
against icy chains;
patience held captive
in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting
of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme
her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish
in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess
surrenders defrost.

-or-

Long lines?

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings our season of bane;
warm climate memoirs etch in the hoarfrost.
The moon looks unadorned through thick-frosted panes,
it’s fading countenance and majesty lost.

Hills glint like scissors; scalpels of disdain,
as the quaint countryside grows ice embossed.
Flesh is uprising against icy chains;
patience held captive in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess surrenders defrost.

Great work! I'm a fan of the short lines myself. Really nit picking here but "Flesh is uprising against..." might be better as "Flesh rises up against..."

[ChristopherSea]

Short lines?

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings
our season of bane;
warm climate memoirs
etch in the hoarfrost.
The moon looks unadorned
through thick-frosted panes,
it’s fading countenance
and majesty lost.

Hills glint like scissors;
scalpels of disdain,
as the quaint countryside
gows ice embossed.
Flesh is uprising
against icy chains;
patience held captive
in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting
of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme
her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish
in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess
surrenders defrost.

-or-

Long lines?

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings our season of bane;
warm climate memoirs etch in the hoarfrost.
The moon looks unadorned through thick-frosted panes,
it’s fading countenance and majesty lost.

Hills glint like scissors; scalpels of disdain,
as the quaint countryside grows ice embossed.
Flesh is uprising against icy chains;
patience held captive in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess surrenders defrost.

Great work! I'm a fan of the short lines myself. Really nit picking here but "Flesh is uprising against..." might be better as "Flesh rises up against..."

I like 'Flesh rises up against' better as well. In fact, I might make it:

Our flesh rises up
against icy chains

Thank you very much ChessPiece!/Chris

[Truerenigma]

You're not much for active poems are you? It lays it on thick but I think the richness works well with much of the imagery for the most part. I like the allusions. You might want to reconsider the break on the telly, abstract "bane" especially almost right out of the gate.

[billy]

what do you think? i'll leave my feedback on the long lines.
the 1st two are so bad. embossed and exhaust might just scrape through as a half rhyme but it's a struggle, i also never got much from the ttle but that could just be me.

thanks for the read.

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings our season of bane; i know an albatross can be bad luck but i can't work the line out.
warm climate memoirs etch in the hoarfrost. no need for [the]
The moon looks unadorned through thick-frosted panes, The moon, unadorned
it’s fading countenance and majesty lost. a suggest would be [it’s fading countenance lost to....or, it’s fading countenance lost like.......]

Hills glint like scissors; scalpels of disdain, i like the first part of the simile but not the clause, does a scalpel have disdain?
as the quaint countryside grows ice embossed. is [as] needed?
Flesh is uprising against icy chains;
patience held captive in Autumn’s exhaust. i like this, as it plays into the winter line above

We suffer the sting of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess surrenders defrost.
de meter and de frost don't feel as though they're doing de job sorry chris i couldn't help it. for me the last stanza feels like it's trying to hard.

[Truerenigma]

what do you think? i'll leave my feedback on the long lines.
the 1st two are so bad. embossed and exhaust might just scrape through as a half rhyme but it's a struggle, i also never got much from the ttle but that could just be me.

thanks for the read.

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings our season of bane; i know an albatross can be bad luck but i can't work the line out.
warm climate memoirs etch in the hoarfrost. no need for [the]
The moon looks unadorned through thick-frosted panes, The moon, unadorned
it’s fading countenance and majesty lost. a suggest would be [it’s fading countenance lost to....or, it’s fading countenance lost like.......]

Hills glint like scissors; scalpels of disdain, i like the first part of the simile but not the clause, does a scalpel have disdain?
as the quaint countryside grows ice embossed. is [as] needed?
Flesh is uprising against icy chains;
patience held captive in Autumn’s exhaust. i like this, as it plays into the winter line above

We suffer the sting of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess surrenders defrost.
de meter and de frost don't feel as though they're doing de job sorry chris i couldn't help it. for me the last stanza feels like it's trying to hard.

I didn't even notice the "or", or read the long lines tbh. I figure there was a revision so it should do the job for the most part. What's with that? we have to pick one of the two? How about another revision instead? I was just stopping in to see how receptive he might be to making some changes but you made me laugh, billy.

Sorry chris, didn't mean to litter your thread, here:

Winter’s Albatross wings
our season of bane; bad break, telly, abstract.
warm climate memoirs
etch in the hoarfrost.
The moon looks unadorned
through thick-frosted panes,
it’s fading countenance its
and majesty lost. I like the "majesty lost" I idea (of course I'm thinking of a goddess), but this image is bogged down and bloated as a three-month old swamp-discarded murder victim's body.

Hills glint like scissors;
scalpels of disdain, scissors or scalpels? pick one. scalpels of disdain? hmm... maybe you should take dr. milo's often prescribed: do not use "of" at all, unless it still looks good to you after gauging out your eyes with a
flathead screwdriver...ok, so I'm paraphrasing extremely loosely here, but the comment stands.
as the quaint countryside
gows ice embossed. gows? are you using cantonese yao-kao opium as a verb, adverb, or adjective?
Flesh is uprising What flesh exactly, is uprising, and how does flesh uprise??
against icy chains;
in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting
of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme
her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish
in pleasure’s refrainabstract, abstract, abstract
until the goddess
surrenders defrost.sounds like someone with a strange accent saying "the frost.

[ChristopherSea]

That is a lot of comments and recomendations to dissect. Thanks Billy and trueE!/Chris

---

You're not much for active poems are you? It lays it on thick but I think the richness works well with much of the imagery for the most part. I like the allusions. You might want to reconsider the break on the telly, abstract "bane" especially almost right out of the gate.

I will consider changing from past tense to present.

---

what do you think? i'll leave my feedback on the long lines.
the 1st two are so bad. embossed and exhaust might just scrape through as a half rhyme but it's a struggle, i also never got much from the ttle but that could just be me.

thanks for the read.

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings our season of bane; i know an albatross can be bad luck but i can't work the line out.
warm climate memoirs etch in the hoarfrost. no need for [the]
The moon looks unadorned through thick-frosted panes, The moon, unadorned
it’s fading countenance and majesty lost. a suggest would be [it’s fading countenance lost to....or, it’s fading countenance lost like.......]

Hills glint like scissors; scalpels of disdain, i like the first part of the simile but not the clause, does a scalpel have disdain?
as the quaint countryside grows ice embossed. is [as] needed?
Flesh is uprising against icy chains;
patience held captive in Autumn’s exhaust. i like this, as it plays into the winter line above

We suffer the sting of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess surrenders defrost.
de meter and de frost don't feel as though they're doing de job sorry chris i couldn't help it. for me the last stanza feels like it's trying to hard.

I didn't even notice the "or", or read the long lines tbh. I figure there was a revision so it should do the job for the most part. What's with that? we have to pick one of the two? How about another revision instead? I was just stopping in to see how receptive he might be to making some changes but you made me laugh, billy.

Sorry chris, didn't mean to litter your thread, here:

Winter’s Albatross wings
our season of bane; bad break, telly, abstract.
warm climate memoirs
etch in the hoarfrost.
The moon looks unadorned
through thick-frosted panes,
it’s fading countenance its
and majesty lost. I like the "majesty lost" I idea (of course I'm thinking of a goddess), but this image is bogged down and bloated as a three-month old swamp-discarded murder victim's body.

Hills glint like scissors;
scalpels of disdain, scissors or scalpels? pick one. scalpels of disdain? hmm... maybe you should take dr. milo's often prescribed: do not use "of" at all, unless it still looks good to you after gauging out your eyes with a
flathead screwdriver...ok, so I'm paraphrasing extremely loosely here, but the comment stands.
as the quaint countryside
gows ice embossed. gows? are you using cantonese yao-kao opium as a verb, adverb, or adjective?
Flesh is uprising What flesh exactly, is uprising, and how does flesh uprise??
against icy chains;
in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting
of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme
her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish
in pleasure’s refrainabstract, abstract, abstract
until the goddess
surrenders defrost.sounds like someone with a strange accent saying "the frost.

'Flesh uprisng' is goose-bumps, but I like the double entendre of a revolt against the cold.

---

what do you think? i'll leave my feedback on the long lines.
the 1st two are so bad. embossed and exhaust might just scrape through as a half rhyme but it's a struggle, i also never got much from the ttle but that could just be me.

thanks for the read.

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings our season of bane; i know an albatross can be bad luck but i can't work the line out.
warm climate memoirs etch in the hoarfrost. no need for [the]
The moon looks unadorned through thick-frosted panes, The moon, unadorned
it’s fading countenance and majesty lost. a suggest would be [it’s fading countenance lost to....or, it’s fading countenance lost like.......]

Hills glint like scissors; scalpels of disdain, i like the first part of the simile but not the clause, does a scalpel have disdain?
as the quaint countryside grows ice embossed. is [as] needed?
Flesh is uprising against icy chains;
patience held captive in Autumn’s exhaust. i like this, as it plays into the winter line above

We suffer the sting of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess surrenders defrost.
de meter and de frost don't feel as though they're doing de job sorry chris i couldn't help it. for me the last stanza feels like it's trying to hard.

I changed the title a couple times, but getting through the winter after the Holidays is a real grind for me! I have no problem with slant rhymes myself. Alright silly, I shall have the goddess surrender the frost!

[ChristopherSea]

With the magnitude of feedback, I am proceeding with the editing in stages. Thanks!/Chris

[ChristopherSea]

Edit 2 is posted. I have modified the opening and closing and tied in the title better with the dread of winter theme by using a mill reference in the body of the poem as recomended by billy and trueE. Thanks for the critiques!/Chris

[Brownlie]

[i]Chess/billy/trueE edit 2[/i]

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings in
our season of bane;
warm climate memories
are etched in hoarfrost.
The moon is unadorned
through thick-frosted panes,
its fading countenance
and majesty is lost.

Hills glint like scalpels,
implements of pain,
while the quaint countryside
grows ice embossed.
Oppressed flesh rises up
against icy chains
with patience adrift
in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting
of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how
extreme her accost.
We trudge through the mill
protesting in vain
until the goddess
surrenders her frost.

--------------------------------------
Chess/billy/trueE edit 1

I'm working on editing in stages

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings in
our season of bane;
warm climate memoirs
etch in hoarfrost.
The moon is unadorned
through thick-frosted panes,
its fading countenance
and majesty lost.

Hills glint like scalpels;
implements of pain,
the quaint countryside
grows ice embossed.
Our flesh rises up
against icy chains;
patience held captive
in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting
of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme
her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish
in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess
surrenders her frost.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Short lines?

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings
our season of bane;
warm climate memoirs
etch in the hoarfrost.
The moon looks unadorned
through thick-frosted panes,
it’s fading countenance
and majesty lost.

Hills glint like scissors;
scalpels of disdain,
as the quaint countryside
grows ice embossed.
Our flesh rises up
against icy chains;
patience held captive
in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting
of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme
her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish
in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess
surrenders defrost.

-or-

Long lines?

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings our season of bane;
warm climate memoirs etch in the hoarfrost.
The moon looks unadorned through thick-frosted panes,
it’s fading countenance and majesty lost.

Hills glint like scissors; scalpels of disdain,
as the quaint countryside grows ice embossed.
Our flesh rises up against icy chains;
patience held captive in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess surrenders defrost.

I like the image of hoarfrost and the mention of autumn. I like the image of scalpels but the additions if pain or of disdain feel cheesy.

[ChristopherSea]

[i]Chess/billy/trueE edit 2[/i]

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings in
our season of bane;
warm climate memories
are etched in hoarfrost.
The moon is unadorned
through thick-frosted panes,
its fading countenance
and majesty is lost.

Hills glint like scalpels,
implements of pain,
while the quaint countryside
grows ice embossed.
Oppressed flesh rises up
against icy chains
with patience adrift
in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting
of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how
extreme her accost.
We trudge through the mill
protesting in vain
until the goddess
surrenders her frost.

--------------------------------------
Chess/billy/trueE edit 1

I'm working on editing in stages

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings in
our season of bane;
warm climate memoirs
etch in hoarfrost.
The moon is unadorned
through thick-frosted panes,
its fading countenance
and majesty lost.

Hills glint like scalpels;
implements of pain,
the quaint countryside
grows ice embossed.
Our flesh rises up
against icy chains;
patience held captive
in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting
of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme
her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish
in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess
surrenders her frost.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Short lines?

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings
our season of bane;
warm climate memoirs
etch in the hoarfrost.
The moon looks unadorned
through thick-frosted panes,
it’s fading countenance
and majesty lost.

Hills glint like scissors;
scalpels of disdain,
as the quaint countryside
grows ice embossed.
Our flesh rises up
against icy chains;
patience held captive
in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting
of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme
her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish
in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess
surrenders defrost.

-or-

Long lines?

Millstone

Winter’s Albatross wings our season of bane;
warm climate memoirs etch in the hoarfrost.
The moon looks unadorned through thick-frosted panes,
it’s fading countenance and majesty lost.

Hills glint like scissors; scalpels of disdain,
as the quaint countryside grows ice embossed.
Our flesh rises up against icy chains;
patience held captive in Autumn’s exhaust.

We suffer the sting of Demeter’s ordain
regardless of how extreme her accost.
Let’s commune with anguish in pleasure’s refrain
until the goddess surrenders defrost.

I like the image of hoarfrost and the mention of autumn. I like the image of scalpels but the additions if pain or of disdain feel cheesy.

Thanks for your time and input Brownlie! Characterizing those scalpels with the appropriate end rhyme has been a difficult task. I will re-examine that particular line and incorporate it into my next edit. Cheers/Chris

[ChristopherSea]

I think disdain works in this edit:

Hills glint like scalpels,
mirroring disdain,
while the quaint countryside
grows ice embossed.


Honing this further, but the whetstone turns slowly./Chris