Night Moves

[71degrees]

I am no longer acquainted
with you;
when you speak to me
I do not know
what to say

I wonder sometimes
if you remember
the birch trees
from the Beach Road house

They walked at night, moving
to different locations
in our yard, trying to warn us
about the future

The one at the corner
looked like a naked corpse,
like you look now: white
leafed hair, black spots
on slender branches

I remember cutting it down
in 1972; it was diseased,
and you said it was the right thing
to do

We cut it into smaller pieces,
stacking them like body parts
against our cellar door

[milo]

I am no longer acquainted
with you;
when you speak to me
I do not know
what to say

I am no longer acquainted with you; when you speak to me I do not know what to say.

I am curious what criteria you are using for line breaks. I am also curious what you think distinguishes this from flat prose.

[just mercedes]

I am no longer acquainted
with you;
when you speak to me
I do not know
what to say

I wonder sometimes
if you remember
the birch trees
from the Beach Road house

They walked at night, moving
to different locations
in our yard, trying to warn us
about the future

The one at the corner
looked like a naked corpse,
like you look now: white
leafed hair, black spots
on slender branches

I remember cutting it down
in 1972; it was diseased,
and you said it was the right thing
to do

We cut it into smaller pieces,
stacking them like body parts
against our cellar door

I like the way you (mostly) show your reader a scene, and the emotional colouring comes from your tone rather than from the literal words.

I don't think I've commented on a poem of yours before - I'm straight-forward and of course speak from my own experience and in my opinion only.

1st stanza isn't needed. The sense of it is obvious from the rest of the text.

2nd stanza - I'd try for more strength by eliminating 'sometimes' and 'from' - should that be 'in' or 'at'? The 'house' isn't where the trees are/were, so lose that too.

3rd stanza - do you need both moving and walking?

4th stanza - The one at the corner has lost its place because of the moving around - maybe try just 'one looked like' 'like you look now' is such an intrusion - 'as you look now' would sound better, but is any of it needed here? Just 'one looked like a naked corpse; white / leafed hair ...

5th stanza - stronger if you omit "I remember' just 'I cut ...'

I like the strength in the closing. Well done.

[71degrees]

I am no longer acquainted
with you;
when you speak to me
I do not know
what to say

I wonder sometimes
if you remember
the birch trees
from the Beach Road house

They walked at night, moving
to different locations
in our yard, trying to warn us
about the future

The one at the corner
looked like a naked corpse,
like you look now: white
leafed hair, black spots
on slender branches

I remember cutting it down
in 1972; it was diseased,
and you said it was the right thing
to do

We cut it into smaller pieces,
stacking them like body parts
against our cellar door

I like the way you (mostly) show your reader a scene, and the emotional colouring comes from your tone rather than from the literal words.

I don't think I've commented on a poem of yours before - I'm straight-forward and of course speak from my own experience and in my opinion only.

1st stanza isn't needed. The sense of it is obvious from the rest of the text.

2nd stanza - I'd try for more strength by eliminating 'sometimes' and 'from' - should that be 'in' or 'at'? The 'house' isn't where the trees are/were, so lose that too.

3rd stanza - do you need both moving and walking?

4th stanza - The one at the corner has lost its place because of the moving around - maybe try just 'one looked like' 'like you look now' is such an intrusion - 'as you look now' would sound better, but is any of it needed here? Just 'one looked like a naked corpse; white / leafed hair ...

5th stanza - stronger if you omit "I remember' just 'I cut ...'

I like the strength in the closing. Well done.

Much to think about here (mostly…I'm also straight forward . The poem is about my Alzheimer father. Thank you for your read and suggestions.

---

I am no longer acquainted
with you;
when you speak to me
I do not know
what to say

I am no longer acquainted with you; when you speak to me I do not know what to say.

I am curious what criteria you are using for line breaks. I am also curious what you think distinguishes this from flat prose.

My criteria for line breaks is akin to the stokes of a painter, or even the color and shading itself. Or any other "artistic" decision in whatever medium is open. It's what strikes me as an artist in how I should deliver the intended image. A large portion of my edits have to do with how a poem looks on the page. I, too, am curious…why do you ask?

As for your second inquiry….what do you consider "flat prose?" Or for that matter, prose poetry? Again, just curious as to why you ask this instead of offering a critique of a "poem" that I don't consider falling into either category.

Regards, 71degrees

[milo]

My criteria for line breaks is akin to the stokes of a painter, or even the color and shading itself. Or any other "artistic" decision in whatever medium is open. It's what strikes me as an artist in how I should deliver the intended image. A large portion of my edits have to do with how a poem looks on the page. I, too, am curious…why do you ask?

As for your second inquiry….what do you consider "flat prose?" Or for that matter, prose poetry? Again, just curious as to why you ask this instead of offering a critique of a "poem" that I don't consider falling into either category.

Regards, 71degrees

I ask because the linebreaks seem completely arbitrary and ineffectual to me but I thought you may have had some intention behind them. You don't seem to. you should reconsider them to produce the important effects that line breaks should produce in poetry. Or you should eliminate them entirely.

as a reader, I am unlikely to get past such lines like this:

with you

to consider it for further critique. you should fix that first. Then I would be able to offer more.

Look here:

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=4281

[Heartafire]

I think this is a rather unique piece, I like it very much. I think I might choose another word rather than acquainted to describe the feeling of awkwardness or having grown apart in the first stanza, no longer comfortable or at ease with you. Regarding the line breaks, when you are reading your poem I think the line breaks should fall where you feel them. This has fine potential, you can make something really great with this.
Heart

[71degrees]

My criteria for line breaks is akin to the stokes of a painter, or even the color and shading itself. Or any other "artistic" decision in whatever medium is open. It's what strikes me as an artist in how I should deliver the intended image. A large portion of my edits have to do with how a poem looks on the page. I, too, am curious…why do you ask?

As for your second inquiry….what do you consider "flat prose?" Or for that matter, prose poetry? Again, just curious as to why you ask this instead of offering a critique of a "poem" that I don't consider falling into either category.

Regards, 71degrees

I ask because the linebreaks seem completely arbitrary and ineffectual to me but I thought you may have had some intention behind them. You don't seem to. you should reconsider them to produce the important effects that line breaks should produce in poetry. Or you should eliminate them entirely.

as a reader, I am unlikely to get past such lines like this:

with you

to consider it for further critique. you should fix that first. Then I would be able to offer more.

Look here:

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=4281

Well, if you can't get by something, then you can't get by something. Thanks for the look. I will go w/folks who have something concrete to offer.

---

I think this is a rather unique piece, I like it very much. I think I might choose another word rather than acquainted to describe the feeling of awkwardness or having grown apart in the first stanza, no longer comfortable or at ease with you. Regarding the line breaks, when you are reading your poem I think the line breaks should fall where you feel them. This has fine potential, you can make something really great with this.
Heart

Heart: Thanks. You may be right about "acquainted"…it's my Father and I needed a word that showed our separation and the "length" we have grown apart from family to stranger due to his Alzheimer's. Will think hard on this. I agree about line breaks. Sometimes, they're the most personal parts of the poem.

[ellajam]

Hi, 71, I've been enjoying this, but have been bothered by the flatness of

I am no longer acquainted
with you;
when you speak to me
I do not know
what to say

in contrast with the richness of the rest of the poem. While this does create a feeling of separation, it also creates a separation in the poem that bothers me. You may like that response, but I was thinking that with a more meaningful title, such as "What is Gone"', those lines could be cut, leaving just the beauty and still showing the current distance.

Just a thought, thanks for the fun of this thread.

[71degrees]

Hi, 71, I've been enjoying this, but have been bothered by the flatness of

I am no longer acquainted
with you;
when you speak to me
I do not know
what to say

in contrast with the richness of the rest of the poem. While this does create a feeling of separation, it also creates a separation in the poem that bothers me. You may like that response, but I was thinking that with a more meaningful title, such as "What is Gone"', those lines could be cut, leaving just the beauty and still showing the current distance.

Just a thought, thanks for the fun of this thread.

Thank you about the title. I couldn't agree more and I have a different title for it. I rarely put my intended titles on my posted poems.

Almost unanimous that I do "something" with the first stanza. I shall. Thank you. Poetry is maddening, isn't it? Not sure "fun" is the right word.

[ellajam]

Hi, 71, I've been enjoying this, but have been bothered by the flatness of

I am no longer acquainted
with you;
when you speak to me
I do not know
what to say

in contrast with the richness of the rest of the poem. While this does create a feeling of separation, it also creates a separation in the poem that bothers me. You may like that response, but I was thinking that with a more meaningful title, such as "What is Gone"', those lines could be cut, leaving just the beauty and still showing the current distance.

Just a thought, thanks for the fun of this thread.

Thank you about the title. I couldn't agree more and I have a different title for it. I rarely put my intended titles on my posted poems.

Almost unanimous that I do "something" with the first stanza. I shall. Thank you. Poetry is maddening, isn't it? Not sure "fun" is the right word.

Ha, it's fun when it's someone else's poem.

I remembered you mentioning that you withhold the "real" title, still I can only comment on what you post. I can see why you might do it with an eye to publishing, but I've been learning how integral the title can be. Without it it's similar to withholding a punchline and then wondering why no one understands the joke. Again, just a thought.

[71degrees]

Revision

You no longer know me;
when you speak to me
I do not know what to say

I wonder if you remember
the birch trees
from the Beach Road house

They walked at night,
moving to different locations,
trying to warn us about the future

The one at the corner looked
like you look now: white leafed hair,
black spots on slender branches

I cut it down in 1972; it was diseased,
and you said it was the right thing to do

We moved the smaller pieces, stacking
them like body parts against the cellar door

---

Hi, 71, I've been enjoying this, but have been bothered by the flatness of


in contrast with the richness of the rest of the poem. While this does create a feeling of separation, it also creates a separation in the poem that bothers me. You may like that response, but I was thinking that with a more meaningful title, such as "What is Gone"', those lines could be cut, leaving just the beauty and still showing the current distance.

Just a thought, thanks for the fun of this thread.

Thank you about the title. I couldn't agree more and I have a different title for it. I rarely put my intended titles on my posted poems.

Almost unanimous that I do "something" with the first stanza. I shall. Thank you. Poetry is maddening, isn't it? Not sure "fun" is the right word.

Ha, it's fun when it's someone else's poem.

I remembered you mentioning that you withhold the "real" title, still I can only comment on what you post. I can see why you might do it with an eye to publishing, but I've been learning how integral the title can be. Without it it's similar to withholding a punchline and then wondering why no one understands the joke. Again, just a thought.

"Hewn" is the title I like best.

[ellajam]

"Hewn" is lovely. Beautiful change to the opening lines.