tokens of war revised

[Heartafire]

Revised (thank you Tek, Just Cloudy, ellajam, Billy, 71d, Milo!)

I shed my fragile skin
across sharp stones
along the sand.

Devoted soldier,
weeping for fading
scars of battle,
I soothe them
in the salty sea.

On the shore a man
searches for colors of
the world and motions
me to see shades of peony
and purple.

I cast my eyes toward the horizon,
submissive as the sunset.



Original

In the chill of winter
I shed my fragile skin
dry as late autumn leaves
it slides like a reptile against
a stone.
Devoted soldier,
I soothe my limbs in the
salty sea;
Weeping for receding bruises,
tokens of my battle.
On the shore a man
searches for colors of
the world and motions
me to see shades of peony
and russet at the horizon.
I cast my eyes toward the sunset,
submissive as the sea.

[tectak]

In the chill of winter
I shed my fragile skin.Statemental but not without enigmatic overtones. All will become clear as....as....as...
As dry as late autumn leavesAsbo. Too many asses by one...drop the first. You are not troubled by scansion.
it slides like a reptile against The "it" is a distant relative to "skin"...er....or is it to "leaves". "it" is always a bastard.
a stone.I really do not know why you feel it necessary to split the piece up in to short stuttering lines. It is as if you think that you can make it look longer by stretching out the thing in to something you could write on a piece of fettucini. Your poem

Devoted soldier,
I soothe my limbs in the
briny sea;I have never heard "briny sea" before. Anyway, back to it. Where are we now? I think I blinked and missed something. See end. I am not good at this interpretive stuff...but what has being a "devoted" soldier got to do with a salt-soak?
Weeping for receding bruises, Why? A few bruises....sounds like a good war...lucky to have a leg to be bruised. Help
tokens of battle.

on the shore a man
searches for colors of
the world and motions
me to see shades of peonyOK. I admit that I have failed to identify the central metaphor and even that it is my fault...but you speed to closure here. There is nothing I can grasp on the way down. If there IS some great truth or purpose in this, and there may well be, I do not have enough information to fill in the cerebral gaps. This is me liking it but not knowing why. Perhaps it is what it is. I know I am.
and russet dipping down.

I cast my eyes toward
the sunset,
submissive as the sea.The submissive sea? The cruel sea, the raging sea, the angry sea, the unforgiving sea, the pitiless sea, the dark sea, the murderous sea, the vengeful sea...but the submissive sea? Help

Hi Heart,
Glad to see you posting...I note that the whistful melancholy is undiminished...in a good way.
The line by line is probably superfluous as you are ulikely to make changes in your "style" to satisfy and old pedant, but to improve a piece like this it is necessary to look at even the smallest options... and I use the word advisedly.
I cannot look for meaning in this genre. What is patently obvious to you is open to conjecture beyond my wish or ability to argue. It sound nice, it reads hauntingly, and it is without doubt the issue of your loins...that should be enough.
Very Best,
tectak

[Heartafire]

Hello dear Tec, thank you for reading...I appreciate your comments and agree there is work to be done here. I let the asses get by me, but will do something about that now. I don't see a problem with "it" but will see what I can do about the stuttering, it seems obvious to me that I am referring to skin. The sea can be raging or submissive...see it rushing in and out with the tide. Of course there is background of interest that I don't go into, there are laws. Must I tell all to tweak one's interest? I am still into short pieces as you can see and not intentionally stretching this in any way. I will take your comments to Heart and see what can be done to lift this up, stretch this out... btw, this is not issued from my loins, give me some credit please. Thank you for your assistance once again.
My best to you always,
Heart

[justcloudy]

Hey there Heart, nice to read you again!
As Tec said this is quite wistful and melancholy, and has a lovely feel to it. But I did have the same problem as he, not finding the central theme/idea. Each bit is nice on its own, but I can't see what ties them together. Maybe if I knew more about who the speaker is that'd help, I'm not sure. I get the feeling that it's a battered woman, but then that doesn't fit exactly. It really reads nicely, and we get lost in the scenes, but being a little more explicit may help the reader follow the train of thought better. Thanks for sharing.
-justcloudy

[ellajam]

Hi, Heart, I enjoyed this, here are a few notes. As usual, the formatting only shows up in the reply box, so that's not how I've been reading it.

In the chill of winter
I shed my fragile skin maybe a comma here
dry as late autumn leaves
it slides like a reptile against strong image
a stone.
Devoted soldier,
I soothe my limbs in the
salty sea;
Weeping for receding bruises, I like the regret of losing outward scars.
tokens of my battle.
On the shore a man
searches for colors of I don't really get the switch to "colors of the world"' maybe if the bruises were colors I could tie it in.
the world and motions
me to see shades of peony
and russet at the horizon russet works, but is not up to the lovely peony
I cast my eyes toward the sunset,
submissive as the sea. I don't see the sea as submissive, but that just may be me.

Thanks for the read.

[billy]

hi heart if you want the formatting just hit the reply button of this post and copy and paste.

In the chill of winter
  I shed my fragile skin
  dry as late autumn leaves
  it slides like a reptile against
  a stone.
Devoted soldier,
  I soothe my limbs in the
  salty sea;
  Weeping for receding bruises,
tokens of my battle.
On the shore a man
  searches for colors of
  the world and motions
  me to see shades of peony
  and russet at the horizon.
I cast my eyes toward the sunset,
  submissive as the sea.

[71degrees]

In the chill of winter
I shed my fragile skin
dry as late autumn leaves
it slides like a reptile against
a stone.
Devoted soldier,
I soothe my limbs in the
salty sea;
Weeping for receding bruises,
tokens of my battle.
On the shore a man
searches for colors of
the world and motions
me to see shades of peony
and russet at the horizon.
I cast my eyes toward the sunset,
submissive as the sea.

Find a copy of Edward Albee's "Seascape" and read it. If you could see the play, all the better, but it's not one of his most staged plays for reasons you will understand upon reading it. It will help you visual your poem.

The abusive relationship here is wonderfully presented in almost short play fashion, but you start "more toward the end." I want more at the beginning. Don't like the "leaves" imagery. It's not consistent with the rest of the "water" imagery…Also: a sea is not submissive (even though you're talking about the sunset) in "the chill of winter" in which the setting of the poem is presented. I understand you view it as a haven and are looking for peaceful solution, but it doesn't cut w/the presentation.

Really enjoyed reading this. Haven't thought about "Seascape" in quite a while. Thank you.

[milo]

In the chill of winter
I shed my fragile skin
dry as late autumn leaves
it slides like a reptile against
a stone.
Devoted soldier,
I soothe my limbs in the
salty sea;
Weeping for receding bruises,
tokens of my battle.
On the shore a man
searches for colors of
the world and motions
me to see shades of peony
and russet at the horizon.
I cast my eyes toward the sunset,
submissive as the sea.

I think you should reconsider your line lengths and breaks especially breaks like "the" and "of".

[Heartafire]

Thank you one and all for the very helpful comments and opinions. I am working on this and hope to come back with a better offering. Meanwhile...thanks again, I so appreciate the time spent reading and commenting on this for me.
Heart