First Edit - Bands

[beaufort]

We are awkward with one another;
thirty years and yet we sit in silence,
improvisation never as easy as it seems.
Marriage a movement of love and of loss
played in equal measure.

Our shared turns of tragedy,
of sadness and rigid regrets
separate yet bind us, yoked as we are
to this life, and to each other
in deceptive cadence.

I rise to gather plates.

The geese are out this morning,
their hoarse honking, tenor tubas
in the marching band. They waddle
clockwise around the lake like so much brass,
wearing matching epaulets.

Suddenly, as if at sharp rap
of an absent conductor’s baton,
lifting their wings as one
they rise up,
flying in perfect formation.

[Regallis]

Two living as one? An agreement kept but not happy? Something happens, yet nothing changes except the seasons? The loss of a child, not knowing where to go from there?

Geese making a return flight after the end of winter? Taking the young home on their maiden flight?

Sorry for all the questions, I am learning too.

[Farkas]

We are awkward with one another;
thirty years and yet we sit in silence,
the clock’s ticking grows increasingly loud.
Our story a hymn of love and of loss
sung in equal measure.

Our private turns of tragedy,
of sadness and rigid regrets
separate yet bind us, yoked as we are
to this life, and to each other
like dead and green leaves.

I rise to gather plates.

The geese are out this morning,
their hoarse honking, tenor tubas
in the marching band. They waddle
clockwise around the lake like so much brass,
wearing matching hats and boots.

Suddenly, as if at sharp lift
of an absent conductor’s baton,
proving they have practiced enough,
they rise up,
flying in perfect formation.

Hi

Bands - A subdivision of a people that has a relatively simple social structure having the same ideas or beliefs or who are pursuing the same activity together.

These two bands do not meet the definition of the title. I believe the intended contrast is a poetic tool sharply bringing in focus a tragic loss.

The meaning of life is to continue. The loss of genetic code is death. What remains is the waiting.

[beaufort]

Thanks to you both for your readings and comments. I obviously am not getting across what I wanted to convey, will continue to work on it. I was musing on how some situations/relationships/beings incorporate, and in fact, go beyond opposing inherent characteristics - as in the abiding love and stifling difficulties of long term relationships and the awkwardness and beautiful grace of the geese.

[Wjames]

We are awkward with one another;
thirty years and yet we sit in silence,
the clock’s ticking grows increasingly loud.
Our story a hymn of love and of loss
sung in equal measure.

I like the opening, it's a little awkward but that can sort of serve the contrast I get from the poem.

Our private turns of tragedy,
of sadness and rigid regrets
separate yet bind us, yoked as we are
to this life, and to each other
like dead and green leaves.

Another good stanza expanding on the previous one. I don't feel like the green and dead leaves bit adds much. I would try something like this, but it's your poem:

Our private turns of tragedy,
of rigid sadness and soft regrets
separate yet bind us, yoked as we are
to this life, and to each other.

I rise to gather plates.

The geese are out this morning,
their hoarse honking, tenor tubas
in the marching band. They waddle
clockwise around the lake like so much brass,
wearing matching hats and boots.

Suddenly, as if at sharp lift
of an absent conductor’s baton,
proving they have practiced enough,
they rise up,
flying in perfect formation.

I like the ending a lot as well, but I don't know if the "proving they have practiced enough" line is needed.

Nice contrast between the awkward, static human existence, and the instinctively malleable nature of animals (geese). I like the idea behind this poem, it's different, and made me think. You might want to try and make the first two stanza's a little more awkward, before developing a more natural rhythm in the ending, but I have no real suggestions as to how you could go about doing so (if you even want to).

[beaufort]

Thanks for the read and the comments, I appreciate it. I will be working on an edit. Best.

[critical mass]

Hi beaufort

I think you need a metaphor for the two of you at the table.
you go from clock, to song, to feelings to dead green leaves.


I like
I rise to gather plates.
It sets up looking out the window.
at least I believe you are looking out the window because you have plates in your hands. Maybe use music as a metaphor for the two of you since you use it for the Geese.

good luck

David

[beaufort]

Thanks for your reply. I have posted an edit, hope it is an improvement.

[critical mass]

This is better.
movement and measure stick with the metaphor.


We are awkward with one another;
.....................good his sets things up.


thirty years and yet we sit in silence, ..............You should maybe jump right into the metaphor in this line
what would be a metaphor in music for this, 30 years may not be important, people with 10 years may feel the same.



improvisation never as easy as it seems.
Marriage a movement of love and of loss
played in equal measure.
..................This is good




Our shared turns of tragedy,
of sadness and rigid regrets
separate yet bind us, yoked as we are
to this life, and to each other
........................................lost the metaphor here



in deceptive cadence.
.....................................cadence goes more in line with the geese but it is in staying with the music theme.

I rise to gather plates.




The geese are out this morning,
their hoarse honking, tenor tubas
in the marching band. They waddle
clockwise around the lake like so much brass,
wearing matching epaulets.

Suddenly, as if at sharp rap
of an absent conductor’s baton,
lifting their wings as one
they rise up,
flying in perfect formation.

Good luck with this

David

[ejames]

I like the poem. It really made me think in order to understand it giving me a deeper appreciation for it. Would say that it could use some clarity. I would not have understood the full intended meaning without reading the comments.