My First Attempt

[Regallis]

We all seem to have them,
over time we bury them.
Why must we replace them.
Must we rise out of them?
At night we depart them
hidden to be seized, in the
Cockcrow we find two bits.
Our precious swag gone.
No shadow is left, except silver.
Was it so easy to supplant it?
I will slumber with one eye open,
To take in the flaring wings
and the scintillating sprinkle.

Them, seems a very hard word to replace.

We all seem to have them,
over time we bury them.
Why must we replace them.
Must we rise out of them?
At night we depart them
hidden to be seized, in the
Dawning we find two bits.
Our precious swag gone.
No shadow is left, except mint.
Was it so easy to supplant it?
I will slumber with one eye open,
To take in the flaring wings
and the scintillating sprinkle.

I guess I should have posted the original one before I changed it to the present form. I had to go back an write it again because I didn't save it. Lesson 1 save everything.

We all seem to have them
over time we forget them - over time we forget dreams (new thought)
why must we replace them
Must we grow out of them - Must we grow up an move on. Or maybe something to that affect. (new thought)
At night we leave them
hidden to be taken, in the
morning we find two bits
our precious prize gone.
no trace is left, except silver
was it so easy to replace it?
I will sleep with one eye open,
to take in the fluttering wings
and the falling glittering dust

[AcasiaMotley]

this poem has potential but I feel that its direction and meaning is a little unclear and hard to discern.

[Mikeodial]

Good first start putting your ideas on paper. Here are some observations.

If the "them" is about dreams then I think you need to either be more or less conclusive to help the reader along.

If it is about something broader, like thoughts then some leadership is required to direct the reader, or yourself a little more.

Perhaps start your rewrite with the intention you have for the poem. If you don't know that, then just let it develop until you see one. I often write that way, and then many others see something else or deeper than I intended.

We all seem to have them,
over time we bury them.
Why must we replace them.
Must we rise out of them?
At night we depart them
hidden to be seized, in the
Cockcrow we find two bits.
Our precious swag gone.
No shadow is left, except silver.
Was it so easy to supplant it?
I will slumber with one eye open,
To take in the flaring wings
and the scintillating sprinkle.

Them, seems a very hard word to replace.

We all seem to have them,
over time we bury them.
Why must we replace them.
Must we rise out of them?
At night we depart them
hidden to be seized, in the
Dawning we find two bits.
Our precious swag gone.
No shadow is left, except mint.
Was it so easy to supplant it?
I will slumber with one eye open,
To take in the flaring wings
and the scintillating sprinkle.

[Regallis]

Its about baby teeth and the tooth fairy and how we lose the ability to believe in magic. I was hoping one could figure it out without a title.

Thank you for your feedback.

[Mikeodial]

Its about baby teeth and the tooth fairy and how we lose the ability to believe in magic. I was hoping one could figure it out without a title.

Thank you for your feedback.

One thing I have learned, is that you cannot, and sometimes, don't want, the reader to have the same interpretation of your work. It's sort of like another dimension, then you start to see things that you thought you didn't intend, but actually did. Very exciting.

[Regallis]

Guess we can agree to disagree, to me a person is telling a story, yes it can change and evolve. But when asked as someone did, I feel that they should know what I have meant.

[Mikeodial]

Guess we can agree to disagree, to me a person is telling a story, yes it can change and evolve. But when asked as someone did, I feel that they should know what I have meant.

I guess the point is, we won't get to interact with most of our readers, or get to explain the poem's intention directly. I am always amazed at how that works.

[Regallis]

I now understand what you meant Mikeodial.

I am very much a novice at this, it takes me a long time to understand what others pick up in a short period of time. Thank you for coming back and explaining that to me. My thought was that I am trying to make something that would be easy to understand. It like I said about using all those "them", I couldn't find a better word to help me there.

I know some younger people wouldn't understand "two bits", I wanted to use words that would entice them a bit more, why I didn't use "fairy wings" or "fairy dust".