When I'm Comatose

[tigrflye]

Edit: (so far)

I made you high
on me. A dizzy cloud
infused your eyes, and I
was powerful and proud
to tug your strings at whim.
With philter full, I forgot
the rules and lit within
your loins a passion hot,
unchecked with no apologies.
I ravaged you with teeth
and tenderness so thoroughly,
I slept away the week.



Original:
In dreams, I made you high
on me. A dizzy cloud
infused your eyes, and I
was powerful and proud
to tug your strings at whim.
With philter full, I forgot
the rules and lit within
your loins a passion hot,
unchecked with no apologies.
I ravaged you with teeth
and tenderness so thoroughly,
I slept away the week.

[Todd]

Smoking a cigarette? More comments when I've went over this more.

[Nihil Loc]

It is as if your poem were to describe you eating, smoking, drinking something in (a fascination with the desires and the qualities of a meal).

I want whatever you are eating or smoking but only so that I may really feel about the poem the way you do.

I see an neat concurrence of meaning in the following items (fetishes):

A pipe as a vehicle for the delivery of intoxication is to
A phallus (or vagina)...
A philter (love potion) as...
The subject...

The bong was a cock and a love potion.
You were the house of my soul.
We all melded together in oneness.

[cidermaid]

Hi tigr,
I like the shorn n sweet simplicity of this one.
Not much comment except the one line

In dreams, I made you high
on me. A dizzy cloud
infused your eyes, and I
was powerful and proud
to tug your strings at whim. I don't think the poem would loose anything if you cut this whole line. It feel a little cliched and for my read does not add to the image...in fact it actually is distracting, because i am then thinking what those strings might be, where as the rest of the poem reads as a fast n straight ball of sexual empowerment and desire.
With philter full, I forgot
the rules and lit within
your loins a passion hot,
unchecked with no apologies.
I ravaged you with teeth
and tenderness so thoroughly,
I slept away the week. Love your conclusion - replete with love image

[tigrflye]

Todd - yes, of course! And swing back by anytime with comments


Nihil - thank you for the feedback. You want some of what I'm smoking? Sure, Ill share!
"The bong was a cock and a love potion.
You were the house of my soul. 
We all melded together in oneness." - um, yes, pretty much.

Hi tigr,
I like the shorn n sweet simplicity of this one.
Not much comment except the one line

In dreams, I made you high
on me. A dizzy cloud
infused your eyes, and I
was powerful and proud
to tug your strings at whim. I don't think the poem would loose anything if you cut this whole line. It feel a little cliched and for my read does not add to the image...in fact it actually is distracting, because i am then thinking what those strings might be, where as the rest of the poem reads as a fast n straight ball of sexual empowerment and desire.
With philter full, I forgot
the rules and lit within
your loins a passion hot,
unchecked with no apologies.
I ravaged you with teeth
and tenderness so thoroughly,
I slept away the week. Love your conclusion - replete with love image

Cidermaid - thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave your thoughts.
I wondered if the marionette image was too much or out of place but I liked idea of having control by tugging the strings. I will think on it and see if I can replace the line with something better. I cant bring myself to cut it as I want some type of rhyme with "within"
thanks for your help!
ps- hope you had a good bday!
-Jenn

[cidermaid]

Cidermaid - thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave your thoughts.
I wondered if the marionette image was too much or out of place but I liked idea of having control by tugging the strings. I will think on it and see if I can replace the line with something better. I cant bring myself to cut it as I want some type of rhyme with "within"
thanks for your help!
ps- hope you had a good bday!
-Jenn

Hi jenn, sorry did not pick up the image of a marionette from my first read. Now you have mentioned it I can see it is a nice image and would fit in very nicely. Perhaps you need to add another word to put the readerer onto this line of thought. (perhaps something along the lines of limb strings ?)

AJ.

[tigrflye]

Cidermaid - thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave your thoughts.
I wondered if the marionette image was too much or out of place but I liked idea of having control by tugging the strings. I will think on it and see if I can replace the line with something better. I cant bring myself to cut it as I want some type of rhyme with "within"
thanks for your help!
ps- hope you had a good bday!
-Jenn

Hi jenn, sorry did not pick up the image of a marionette from my first read. Now you have mentioned it I can see it is a nice image and would fit in very nicely. Perhaps you need to add another word to put the readerer onto this line of thought. (perhaps something along the lines of limb strings ?)

AJ.

So far, I have entertained these ideas:

to tug your strings at whim - original
to tug limb strings at whim
to tug your will at whim
to tug doll strings at whim
to wield control at whim

And now my brain feels mushy so I'm going to let it rest. Opinion?

[Wjames]

In dreams, I made you high
on me. A dizzy cloud
infused your eyes, and I
was powerful and proud
to tug your strings at whim.

I think you might be able to do without "powerful".

With philter full, I forgot
the rules and lit within
your loins a passion hot,
unchecked with no apologies.
I ravaged you with teeth
and tenderness so thoroughly,
I slept away the week.

Great flow and imagery here.

I like this poem a lot, I especially like how there's so many different interpretations left open to the reader. I'd personally recommend you leave the tug your strings at whim line as is, as some of the other versions would sort of serve to narrow the scope of the poem to being mainly sexual (I'd have a harder time seeing Todd's cigarette interpretation for instance).

[tigrflye]

Wjames- thanks so much. It is a fine line I am trying to walk to balance the sex dream with the cigarette, joint, etc.. -all of it forming mostly from the word "philter".
Thanks for your opinion on the "tug your strings" line. I haven't changed it yet.
If I just drop "powerful" - I lose feet/syllables. I'm open to replacement ideas - but powerful goes along with how I would feel to put someone on the end of my puppet strings - I didnt think it was too far of a reach to the feeling of being high either. - ideas welcome.

[Todd]

I'm back with a few comments:

In dreams, I made you high--I'm not a fan of an in dreams lead in. I think the title sort of gets you there. I think if you just led with "I made you high it would play off the title better. Nice line break though. If you show throughout that this is a dream there is no need to lead with the words.
on me. A dizzy cloud
infused your eyes, and I
was powerful and proud--don't think you need the line, just have the action below show the traits.
to tug your strings at whim.--This sort of reminds me of an old Berlin song that I used to listen to. I like the image
With philter full, I forgot--again effective line break
the rules and lit within--very nice break again. I like the diction as well
your loins a passion hot,
unchecked with no apologies.
I ravaged you with teeth
and tenderness so thoroughly,
I slept away the week.--nice ending line

I don't want to go to far in this forum, but those are my initial thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[robinhood]

I ravaged you with teeth
and tenderness so thoroughly,

My favorite line.

[tigrflye]

I'm back with a few comments:

In dreams, I made you high--I'm not a fan of an in dreams lead in. I think the title sort of gets you there. I think if you just led with "I made you high it would play off the title better. Nice line break though. If you show throughout that this is a dream there is no need to lead with the words.
on me. A dizzy cloud
infused your eyes, and I
was powerful and proud--don't think you need the line, just have the action below show the traits.
to tug your strings at whim.--This sort of reminds me of an old Berlin song that I used to listen to. I like the image
With philter full, I forgot--again effective line break
the rules and lit within--very nice break again. I like the diction as well
your loins a passion hot,
unchecked with no apologies.
I ravaged you with teeth
and tenderness so thoroughly,
I slept away the week.--nice ending line

I don't want to go to far in this forum, but those are my initial thoughts.

Best,

Todd

We can go as far as you'd like, or move me to serious if it's good enough. I feel "show-off"y posting there, cuz I am Novice.

Would you prefer I start with..

Again, I made you high
on me...

---

I ravaged you with teeth
and tenderness so thoroughly,

My favorite line.

Thank you. That's good to know.
-Jenn

[Todd]

Simply: I made you high

[robinhood]

In dreams, I made you high Literally love this break right here
on me. A dizzy cloud I don't understand the dizzy cloud infused your eyes
infused your eyes, and I
was powerful and proud
to tug your strings at whim.
With philter full, I forgot With philter full i forgot the rules: oh that rolls so nicely
the rules and lit within
your loins a passion hot,
unchecked with no apologies.
I ravaged you with teeth favorite part is right here these two lines
and tenderness so thoroughly,
I slept away the week.


Nice job, some great lines in this.

[tigrflye]

A dizzy cloud infused your eyes. - smoke, getting high, under my spell, I wanted to picture the smoke floating across his eyes.

[robinhood]

Ahhh interesting, i like it

[JollyRoger]

I enjoyed the hell outta this.

The edits are a huge improvement over the original.

I love the line breaks, just like others have said. It always amazes me the difference this makes in a poem.

But to comment on what you and robinhood were just discussing, I'm not sure infused is the best word to use there. Something about that word takes me to place of science projects when most of the language used in the poem is organic and pulpy.

That being said though, I'm having a hard time finding a word to use there in place of infuse, so you work with what you have to work with.