A'bao

[Nihil Loc]

The black marsh consumes
they say

In youth we stood at the edge
and listened

to hear the voices of dead

A'bao was said to sleep there
submerged in fetid water

the old say he kidnaps the young
pulls all asunder
eats their hearts
wears their bones
and excretes the russet oil

that floats ethereal in the marsh
and burns pale blue fire

I've transgressed the law
tasting that odd surface bile
growing wide eyed in my stupor

dizzied by the shifting halls and
lurid shafts

I have met A'bao in the last house
seventeen feet under

he wore my eyes
and I stared at my own blindness
curled up in grief

over my dismembered innocence.

[Clandestine]

What is the reason for the sporadic spacing throughout?

The black marsh consumes
they say

In youth we stood at the edge
and listened

to hear the voices of dead

A'bao was said to sleep there
submerged in fetid water

the old say he kidnaps the young
pulls all asunder
eats their hearts <--- This is all superb wording and such.
wears their bones
and excretes the russet oil

that floats ethereal in the marsh <--- +1 for ethereal usage
and burns pale blue fire <--- This is my main critique here. It's not bad or anything. It just feels as if it's missing that final kick, especially after the outstanding previous bit, if you know what I mean.

I've transgressed the law
tasting that odd surface bile
growing wide eyed in my stupor

dizzied by the shifting halls and
lurid shafts

I have met A'bao in the last house
seventeen feet under

he wore my eyes
and I stared at my own blindness
curled up in grief <---I really liked this whole ending. Imo, if anyone says it needs to change, that's rubbish. But again, that is my own, albeit unimportant, opinion! Great conclusion.

over my dismembered innocence.

I hope that wasn't too terrible for my first critique. I carefully chose which one to first review. I genuinely enjoyed reading this. Nice work.

[corbinsadena]

I also wondered about the spacing, not that it takes away from the poem. I think it draws a dark, eerie picture and puts the reader in a mystic place. I love the wording used in phrases such as "wears their bones," "pale blue fire", "tasting odd surface bile," all great ways to force readers to use the senses. It's hard to know exactly what is going on, however, that adds to the lovely mystery. Good job.

The black marsh consumes
they say

In youth we stood at the edge
and listened

to hear the voices of dead

A'bao was said to sleep there
submerged in fetid water

the old say he kidnaps the young
pulls all asunder
eats their hearts
wears their bones
and excretes the russet oil

that floats ethereal in the marsh
and burns pale blue fire

I've transgressed the law
tasting that odd surface bile
growing wide eyed in my stupor

dizzied by the shifting halls and
lurid shafts

I have met A'bao in the last house
seventeen feet under

he wore my eyes
and I stared at my own blindness
curled up in grief

over my dismembered innocence.

[Nihil Loc]

I think I used line breaks for pauses, most taking up the role of punctuation.

Two of the pauses, 4th to 5th line (listened... to the voices), 12th and 13th line (russet oil... that floats), last two lines (grief... over) are put there for control.

Do you think I should try to make more uniform stanzas, use punctuation instead and see how it turns out?

I was trying to get at the transition from child to adult in the way of drug use and experimentation, except in style of folklore or myth.

The taboo challenges us, compels us to break it. Then we might see why it was a taboo.

[ellajam]

Hi, Nihil, I think this is a strong, well done piece with just a few weak spots. I think you have a good idea to try pulling it together and adding punctuation, then you could compare them and decide what you feel best suits you poem. Here are a few notes.

The black marsh consumes
they say

In youth we stood at the edge
and listened

to hear the voices of dead

A'bao was said to sleep there "there" is a weak break, sleep or submerged would be better, i like submerge
submerged in fetid water

the old say he kidnaps the young
pulls all asunder
eats their hearts
wears their bones strong image
and excretes the russet oil This with the line below is striking, I'm not sure the gap serves

that floats ethereal in the marsh
and burns pale blue fire I can't put this together with the marsh, either I'm missing something or it's weak

I've transgressed the law
tasting that odd surface bile
growing wide eyed in my stupor

dizzied by the shifting halls and. "shifting" would be a stronger break
lurid shafts

I have met A'bao in the last house
seventeen feet under

he wore my eyes very effective, maybe cut the "and"
and I stared at my own blindness
curled up in grief

over my dismembered innocence. strong end

Good luck with your edit, be gentle.

[Nihil Loc]

A'bao (Revision #1)

The dingy marsh consumes
they say.

In youth we stood at the edge
and listened
to hear the voices of dead.

A'bao was said to sleep
submerged in fetid waters.

The old say he kidnaps the young
pulls all asunder
eats their hearts
wears their bones
and excretes the russet oil
that burns pale blue fire
alluring to the curious.

I've transgressed the law
tasting that odd surface bile
growing wide eyed in my stupor
dizzied by shifting
halls and lurid shafts.

I have met A'bao in the last house
seventeen feet under.

He wore my eyes.

I stared at my own blindness
curled up in grief
over my dismembered innocence.

____________

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Here is a shuffled attempt at soft revision.