Posts: 19
Threads: 4
Joined: Dec 2013
He said
I would not like
the tune he hums
in his sleep
and he is unused
to the idea of another's
life form invading
his atmosphere.
Pivotal though
his concerns may be
a body at rest
tends to remain
that way, so I am
staying over.
I remember
waking to the sound
of surf pounding sand
my lover's hand lazily circling
the lizard sunning on
my shoulder before landing
perfectly upon my breast.
If anyone needs me
I will be at the laguna
where I prefer my coffee
served au naturel . . . I am
staying over.
My shit list runs horizontally - there's always room for you at the top
Posts: 26
Threads: 4
Joined: Nov 2013
He said
I would not like
the tune he hums
in his sleep
and he is unused
to the idea of another's
life form invading
his atmosphere.
Pivotal though
his concerns may be
a body at rest
tends to remain
that way, so I am
staying over. I'm unconvinced with the phrasing 'that way'. I love the wit of it, but it could be a little more elegant.
I remember
waking to the sound
of surf pounding sand
my lover's hand lazily circling - I think this line has one stress too many. For my taste. Particularly because all the other lines are such deft little units, I have here the feeling that something snags.
the lizard sunning on
my shoulder before landing
perfectly upon my breast. - 'upon' feels a bit contrived
If anyone needs me
I will be at the laguna
where I prefer my coffee
served au naturel . . . I am - I don't feel like the ellipse adds anything.
staying over.
[/quote]
So apart from these few notes, I really enjoyed this. There is lightness and wit and musicality. Thanks!
Posts: 845
Threads: 57
Joined: Aug 2013
Hi lucentwavering, There is a lot to like herein. Here are a few notes to help with your next edit:
He said
I would not like
the tune he hums
in his sleep
<.>
and he is unused
<'He is not used' ('unused' sounds odd>
to the idea of another's
<'another'>
life form invading
his atmosphere.
Pivotal though
his concerns may be
a body at rest
tends to remain
that way, so I am
staying over.
-Maybe-
despite his concern
that a body at rest
tends to remain that way.>
I remember
waking to the sound
of surf pounding sand
my lover's hand lazily circling
the lizard sunning on
my shoulder before landing
perfectly upon my breast.
If anyone needs me
I will be at the laguna
where I prefer my coffee
served
au naturel . . . I am
staying over.
[/quote]
Overall, I like the poem. I hope some of these suggestions help you with your next edit. Cheers/Chris
Hi lucentwavering, There is a lot to like herein. Here are a few notes to help with your next edit:
He said
I would not like
the tune he hums
in his sleep
<.>
and he is unused
<'He is not used' ('unused' sounds odd>
to the idea of another's
<'another'>
life form invading
his atmosphere.
Pivotal though
his concerns may be
a body at rest
tends to remain
that way, so I am
staying over.
-Maybe-
despite his concern
that a body at rest
tends to remain that way.>
I remember
waking to the sound
of surf pounding sand
my lover's hand lazily circling
the lizard sunning on
my shoulder before landing
perfectly upon my breast.
If anyone needs me
I will be at the laguna
where I prefer my coffee
served
au naturel . . . I am
staying over.
[/quote]
Overall, I like the poem. I hope some of these suggestions help you with your next edit. Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
Posts: 19
Threads: 4
Joined: Dec 2013
(12-09-2013, 06:20 PM)lucentwavering Wrote: He said
I would not like
the tune he hums
in his sleep
and he is unused
to the idea of another's
life form invading
his atmosphere.
Pivotal though
his concerns may be
a body at rest
tends to remain
that way, so I am
staying over. I'm unconvinced with the phrasing 'that way'. I love the wit of it, but it could be a little more elegant.
I remember
waking to the sound
of surf pounding sand
my lover's hand lazily circling - I think this line has one stress too many. For my taste. Particularly because all the other lines are such deft little units, I have here the feeling that something snags.
the lizard sunning on
my shoulder before landing
perfectly upon my breast. - 'upon' feels a bit contrived
If anyone needs me
I will be at the laguna
where I prefer my coffee
served au naturel . . . I am - I don't feel like the ellipse adds anything.
staying over.
So apart from these few notes, I really enjoyed this. There is lightness and wit and musicality. Thanks!
[/quote]
The feedback is appreciated. For the sake of edification, how would one make the inelegant line less so? And 'upon' feels 'contrived'? How so? As for the ellipsis, that most certainly was, but I will think on whether it is unnecessary or not. As for the 'snag' in S3, I whole-heartedly agree and find it outstanding that you picked up on it. I've struggled with that line on more than one occasion and had hoped a recommendation would be forthcoming.
The flaw was noted, with no remedy prescribed. Back to the board, I suppose. Thanks again.
(12-09-2013, 09:07 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Hi lucentwavering, There is a lot to like herein. Here are a few notes to help with your next edit:
He said
I would not like
the tune he hums
in his sleep<.>
and he is unused <'He is not used' ('unused' sounds odd>
to the idea of another's <'another'>
life form invading
his atmosphere.
Pivotal though
his concerns may be
a body at rest
tends to remain
that way, so I am
staying over.
-Maybe-
despite his concern
that a body at rest
tends to remain that way.>
I remember
waking to the sound
of surf pounding sand
my lover's hand lazily circling
the lizard sunning on
my shoulder before landing
perfectly upon my breast.
If anyone needs me
I will be at the laguna
where I prefer my coffee
served au naturel . . . I am
staying over.
Overall, I like the poem. I hope some of these suggestions help you with your next edit. Cheers/Chris
Hi lucentwavering, There is a lot to like herein. Here are a few notes to help with your next edit:
He said
I would not like
the tune he hums
in his sleep<.>
and he is unused <'He is not used' ('unused' sounds odd>
to the idea of another's <'another'>
life form invading
his atmosphere.
Pivotal though
his concerns may be
a body at rest
tends to remain
that way, so I am
staying over.
-Maybe-
despite his concern
that a body at rest
tends to remain that way.>
I remember
waking to the sound
of surf pounding sand
my lover's hand lazily circling
the lizard sunning on
my shoulder before landing
perfectly upon my breast.
If anyone needs me
I will be at the laguna
where I prefer my coffee
served au naturel . . . I am
staying over.
[/quote]
Overall, I like the poem. I hope some of these suggestions help you with your next edit. Cheers/Chris
[/quote]
Chris, thank you for your comments. Some will be taken into consideration, others change the meaning too much for me. Your rewrite of S2, for instance. It's quite nice, but his concern is not over a body remaining at rest, but what was stated in S1. For the sake of aesthetics, I could change 'another's' to 'another', but it's not critical. Life form requires no hyphen, as a noun, and doing so would make it ugly to me. 'laguna' definitely should not be capitalized; not a proper noun by any means. I will pore over S1 and S2. You've given me food for thought, grazie!
My shit list runs horizontally - there's always room for you at the top
Posts: 26
Threads: 4
Joined: Nov 2013
Hi.
I think that the 'upon' I was referring to could simply be changed to 'on'.
And the problem with stanza two, I find, is that there is this build up of this expected phrase (a body in motion tends to remain --) and we expect it, with that line break, to be cleverly diverted. 'That way' seems too expected. I would be interested to see what other sorts of images or phrases you could find to subvert the original sense. Or else simply leave it: a body at rest remains.
