Annie's Coffee Shop (First Post)

[trailertrash]

Annie's Coffee Shop

The market isn't cornered,
but sex sells for less
at the twenty-four hour
corner market called,
"Annie's Coffee Shop".

Jo-Jo the cook
accosts non-tipping patrons
with a butcher knife;
his chivalry as misplaced
as his culinary talents.

Irony is not lost on the
bathroom walls - its filthy epic
penned in gutter prose, by a
thousand anonymous Johns.

The stock isn't fresh,
but it's rotated nightly,
and the cost of milk is negotiable,
from a depreciatory cow
no one wants to own.

Upstairs, are rooms
seedier than sesame buns,
where obsolete filaments
do not interfere with
faceless arrangements made
between the colorblind.

This is the delta
in a deviant river of souls;
bottom feeders coming,
explicitly, for the bottomless
cup of rotgut, labeled, "Annie's".

[Truerenigma]

Annie's Coffee Shop

The market isn't cornered,
but sex sells for less
at the twenty-four hour
corner market called,
"Annie's Coffee Shop".

Jo-Jo the cook
accosts non-tipping patrons
with a butcher knife;
his chivalry as misplaced
as his culinary talents.

Irony is not lost on the
bathroom walls - its filthy epic
penned in gutter prose, by a
thousand anonymous Johns.

The stock isn't fresh,
but it's rotated nightly,
and the cost of milk is negotiable,
from a depreciatory cow
no one wants to own.

Upstairs, are rooms
seedier than sesame buns,
where obsolete filaments
do not interfere with
faceless arrangements made
between the colorblind.

This is the delta
in a deviant river of souls;
bottom feeders coming,
explicitly, for the bottomless
cup of rotgut, labeled, "Annie's".

Not a bad first post actually. It paints a clear scene and the depreciatory cow is a laugh riot. I think I've been to this coffee shop. I've definitely seen the "bathroom epics". This has just the right type of humor. The double pun in "Johns" brilliant. The cornered market/corner store is nice too.

You have a few extra comma. You need to cut the comma after "called", also after "upstairs", "rotgut", "labeled".

You could lose the one after "buns" too if you want to, but it's fine if it stays. In fact, if you wanted to you could probably lose all of the commas just to improve the appearance. The line breaks could serve the same function where they are actually needed, and you already have the right conjunctions in place to make it to work.

[trailertrash]

Many thanks for your comments. Always happy to amuse someone. All commas removed (as suggested), except between "rotgut" and "labeled". Just doesn't feel right, unless a line break were added, making the last two lines "two" short. Any other opinions about my tentative grasp on punctuation would be much appreciated - not my strongest point, I'll admit.

Annie's Coffee Shop

The market isn't cornered
but sex sells for less
at the twenty-four hour
corner market called
"Annie's Coffee Shop".

Jo-Jo the cook
accosts non-tipping patrons
with a butcher knife;
his chivalry as misplaced
as his culinary talents.

Irony is not lost on the
bathroom walls - its filthy epic
penned in gutter prose by a
thousand anonymous Johns.

The stock isn't fresh,
but it's rotated nightly
and the cost of milk is negotiable
from a depreciatory cow
no one wants to own.

Upstairs are rooms
seedier than sesame buns
where obsolete filaments
do not interfere with
faceless arrangements made
between the colorblind.

This is the delta
in a deviant river of souls;
bottom feeders coming
explicitly for the bottomless
cup of rotgut, labeled "Annie's".

[rowens]

It looks good to me. Your punctuation could be right in either version. Depends on the music of the poem, how you want it to go. I think it's better for most of the second version, but I'd think about it some more.

[Speaktaboo]

Annie's Coffee Shop

The market isn't cornered,
but sex sells for less
at the twenty-four hour
corner market called,
"Annie's Coffee Shop".

Jo-Jo the cook
accosts non-tipping patrons
with a butcher knife;
his chivalry as misplaced
as his culinary talents.

Irony is not lost on the
bathroom walls - its filthy epic
penned in gutter prose, by a
thousand anonymous Johns.

The stock isn't fresh,
but it's rotated nightly,
and the cost of milk is negotiable,
from a depreciatory cow
no one wants to own.

Upstairs, are rooms
seedier than sesame buns,
where obsolete filaments
do not interfere with
faceless arrangements made
between the colorblind.

This is the delta
in a deviant river of souls;
bottom feeders coming,
explicitly, for the bottomless
cup of rotgut, labeled, "Annie's".

I'm glad I clicked to see your threads. This is classy. Second to last stanza was my favorite. Followed not too far by the last...great read thanks mann[/b]