eclipse- haiku

[gilmored]

a solar eclipse
is nothing compared to your
amazing beauty
//
An eclipse;
hollow reflections
of you

thx for the advice guys. hows this rivision?

[Polar Bear]

Beautiful image; thanks for sharing.

I feel uncomfortable commenting on haiku, but I feel that perhaps the cut could be stronger? I'm thinking:

A solar eclipse
Is nothing compared to you—
Amazing beauty

[milo]

A solar eclipse
Is nothing compared to your
Amazing beauty

I don't think amazing adds anything, probably not solar either.

[ThePinsir]

I don't think I've ever read a Haiku that was an actual sentence. I'm not saying that's wrong, but it's different.

Also, don't get so caught up with the 5-7-5 deal with haiku. There's an awesome sticky around here somewhere about english haiku. It's definitely worth a read.

[HalfOpenArms]

I think you should place a cut at the end of the first line, a dash would do nicely. Also, "eclipse" is singular, and if you're referring to the eclipse when you say "hollow reflections," that should be singular, too.

[gilmored]

I think you should place a cut at the end of the first line, a dash would do nicely. Also, "eclipse" is singular, and if you're referring to the eclipse when you say "hollow reflections," that should be singular, too.

Thank you for the punctuation tip. I used reflections instead of reflection because an eclipse has different stages, as a person has different qualities. Beauty is not an object.

[billy]

the 2nd line makes it more senryu and you need a season word
the 1st version was also leaning more to senryu than haiku.
make it a slice of time not a slice of thought


An eclipse;
hollow reflections
of you