[An Omen]

[HalfOpenArms]

The sky's marked up by crimson streaks
the remnants of some heav'nly battle.
'Cross firmament sounds God's death rattle--
Impending squall, embodied pique.
Now, tragedy silence bespeaks.

[ThePinsir]

I don't even know how to pronounce "heav'nly". I'd probably just use "heavenly", especially since you're not trying to fit it into a meter.

The last line is odd. I simply don't get what you're trying to say.

I really liked "God's death rattle--"


Over all, it was a very interesting read. Thanks!

[HalfOpenArms]

The idea behind the last line was "the calm before the storm." The silence foreshadows the storm--and tragedy--to come.

Also, while I agree that "heav'nly" is a bit awkward, it's an elision popular within hymns. It fits the meter.

[ChristopherSea]

Greetings HOA, I see what you are trying to accomplish in this portrait of a storm, but this poem is written in a rather archaeic style and the syntax begins to fall off with the poem's progression. Line 3 reads strongest and I would bring it up as the opener with something like:

God's death rattle resounds across the firmament
marking it up in crimson streaks;
the remnant of some heavenly battle.

...tragedy's silence speaks volumes...

I am not certain of the meaning of the rest. You have another storm coming, yet silence speaking of some unknown tragedy. This coud be said with more clarity. Good luck with your next edits. Welcome to the site/Chris