Boardwalks (edit #4.1)

[ellajam]

wow, milo, thanks. Much different than hearing myself. I've been putting memories in and out, but i think it may be out after hearing yours, and Brendan was right on yap.

Sorry if it took you longer than it should have, but yay for me, thank you.
Good Morning.

edit: Hey, milo, you left out barks, , no problem, beautiful reading. Rethinking my edit.

Eh, I will redo it. I don't currently have a computer at my house and at work the 6kiwi site.is banned plus there is no mic, so I have to use my phone. The 6kiwi site doesn't work for my phone at all. Anyway, I will redo it.

---

wow, milo, thanks. Much different than hearing myself. I've been putting memories in and out, but i think it may be out after hearing yours, and Brendan was right on yap.

Sorry if it took you longer than it should have, but yay for me, thank you.
Good Morning.

edit: Hey, milo, you left out barks, , no problem, beautiful reading. Rethinking my edit.

Eh, I will redo it. I don't currently have a computer at my house and at work the 6kiwi site.is banned plus there is no mic, so I have to use my phone. The 6kiwi site doesn't work for my phone at all. Anyway, I will redo it.

I don't see "barks" in the poem anywhere

Sorry, milo, my mistake, brain caught in an edit, I missed the soft sound of "pants" on the first 2 listens, but maybe I wasn't fully awake.

Your reading is, of course, perfect.
But I'm due to post an edit that will muck it all up.

[milo]

wow, milo, thanks. Much different than hearing myself. I've been putting memories in and out, but i think it may be out after hearing yours, and Brendan was right on yap.

Sorry if it took you longer than it should have, but yay for me, thank you.
Good Morning.

edit: Hey, milo, you left out barks, , no problem, beautiful reading. Rethinking my edit.

Eh, I will redo it. I don't currently have a computer at my house and at work the 6kiwi site.is banned plus there is no mic, so I have to use my phone. The 6kiwi site doesn't work for my phone at all. Anyway, I will redo it.

---

Eh, I will redo it. I don't currently have a computer at my house and at work the 6kiwi site.is banned plus there is no mic, so I have to use my phone. The 6kiwi site doesn't work for my phone at all. Anyway, I will redo it.

I don't see "barks" in the poem anywhere

Sorry, milo, my mistake, brain caught in an edit, I missed the soft sound of "pants" on the first 2 listens, but maybe I wasn't fully awake.

Your reading is, of course, perfect.
But I'm due to post an edit that will muck it all up.

The reading is not perfect but I do appreciate you saying so.

[ellajam]

Well, I've tried an edit to address the tense issues hoping to be clear in both present and past, unlikely. I'm afraid it's worded up even more now, but I can to trim it up if it makes more sense this way.

Now when I read it in my mind it has a bit of milo's accent.

[milo]

Well, I've tried an edit to address the tense issues hoping to be clear in both present and past, unlikely. I'm afraid it's worded up even more now, but I can to trim it up if it makes more sense this way.

Now when I read it in my mind it has a bit of milo's accent.

I /don't/ have an accent.

[ellajam]

Well, I've tried an edit to address the tense issues hoping to be clear in both present and past, unlikely. I'm afraid it's worded up even more now, but I can to trim it up if it makes more sense this way.

Now when I read it in my mind it has a bit of milo's accent.

I /don't/ have an accent.

I have an accent, that's what makes your pronunciation sound different to me.

[milo]

Well, I've tried an edit to address the tense issues hoping to be clear in both present and past, unlikely. I'm afraid it's worded up even more now, but I can to trim it up if it makes more sense this way.

Now when I read it in my mind it has a bit of milo's accent.

I /don't/ have an accent.

I have an accent, that's what makes your pronunciation sound different to me.

I was kidding, wherever I go people comment on my accent trying to guess where it's from but I honestly have no idea.

[ellajam]

While you're here, any opinion on whether or not I've mucked it up with that edit?

[milo]

While you're here, any opinion on whether or not I've mucked it up with that edit?

You edited? I didn't notice. Let me read through it a few times and I will return.

[ellajam]

While you're here, any opinion on whether or not I've mucked it up with that edit?

You edited? I didn't notice. Let me read through it a few times and I will return.

last week or so, forgot to bump it or add edit to thread name, oops.

[milo]

While you're here, any opinion on whether or not I've mucked it up with that edit?

You edited? I didn't notice. Let me read through it a few times and I will return.

last week or so, forgot to bump it or add edit to thread name, oops.

There is no rush - you aren't going anywhere I am not going anywhere.
The break on "ghost" is excellent BTW.

[ellajam]

You edited? I didn't notice. Let me read through it a few times and I will return.

last week or so, forgot to bump it or add edit to thread name, oops.

There is no rush - you aren't going anywhere I am not going anywhere.
The break on "ghost" is excellent BTW.

Nope, not worried about my assignment being due, grin.

The ghost break was important but judging from the comments it seems I expected too much from it, thinking it could help with the two tenses. fail. I've tried to clear it up a bit, but may have thrown too much in the stew.

[milo]

last week or so, forgot to bump it or add edit to thread name, oops.

There is no rush - you aren't going anywhere I am not going anywhere.
The break on "ghost" is excellent BTW.

Nope, not worried about my assignment being due, grin.

The ghost break was important but judging from the comments it seems I expected too much from it, thinking it could help with the two tenses. fail. I've tried to clear it up a bit, but may have thrown too much in the stew.

I have read the new one a few times and I am disappointed with both "ridden" and conjured.

Pedaled form me conjured up tourist bike rentals on the jersey shore, this ridden word is boring me to tears. Conjured? - eh, too fake IMO.

[ellajam]

I have read the new one a few times and I am disappointed with both "ridden" and conjured.

Pedaled form me conjured up tourist bike rentals on the jersey shore, this ridden word is boring me to tears. Conjured? - eh, too fake IMO.

Well, I knew a quick response couldn't be good.

I think I caved to comments on bicycles pedaled being confusing, and count not carrying over to the them.

Thanks for the comment, I'll try to clarify without throwing that cliched babe out with the bathwater.

My guess is you haven't gotten yet to what I've done to that simple dog run.

[milo]

hi ella, I am back!

edit #1 (thank you Chris, Brendan, milo, chazz, true)

Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats. Conjure
the gleam of bicycles ridden
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

First, things I like here - the sonics are good, you are maintaining a nice meter in the spirit of eliot and pound. The line breaks are good. I don't care for the change into "ridden", "conjure", to me, feels contrived and gleam - what is gleam doing here? The last two lines are excellent visually. I have rolled back and forth to myself whether they belong in /this/ poem though.

Replay the barks that broke dawn's hush,
paw mallets on tympanic boards
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

once again, some standout line breaks - particularly on passed. If the whole poem was terrible, it wold be worth reading for the line break on ghost and the one on passed.

You don't need "behind". "Replay" is the wrong word. L2 doesn't really parse properly. Everything else seems pretty good.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.

the rest of this is pretty good. You are pretty close to the end with this, a word here, a word there - it reads mostly finished. Salt-worn memories is definitely better than what were memories.

[ellajam]

Hi, milo, thanks so much for reading and for your notes. I've been thinking.
As usual, I think I'm two steps forward, one back, or maybe one forward, two back.

hi ella, I am back!

edit #1 (thank you Chris, Brendan, milo, chazz, true)

Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats. Conjure
the gleam of bicycles ridden
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

First, things I like here - the sonics are good, you are maintaining a nice meter in the spirit of eliot and pound. The line breaks are good. I don't care for the change into "ridden", "conjure", to me, feels contrived and gleam - what is gleam doing here? The last two lines are excellent visually. I have rolled back and forth to myself whether they belong in /this/ poem though.

Maybe I can clarify without changing so much.

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats (comma or not?)
and the bicycles pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

I'm pretty firmly at the last two lines belonging here.

Replay the barks that broke dawn's hush,
paw mallets on tympanic boards
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

once again, some standout line breaks - particularly on passed. If the whole poem was terrible, it wold be worth reading for the line break on ghost and the one on passed.

You don't need "behind". "Replay" is the wrong word. L2 doesn't really parse properly. Everything else seems pretty good.

Once again, my attachment to before/behind may be misplaced. While I can change L2 to "paws mallet-like on tympanic boards" I think the whole line may not belong here at all, weighing down the poem with poetry.

Hear the barks that broke dawn's hush
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts, now shuttered.

Now I am down to 5 lines, which is how the tympani happened. It may be ill-advised, I don't look for it in other poems, but I feel mine need all the help they can get and that the continuity of line count pleases the reader whether they realize it or not. Thinking.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.

the rest of this is pretty good. You are pretty close to the end with this, a word here, a word there - it reads mostly finished. Salt-worn memories is definitely better than what were memories.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait, twelve months shredded,
for their autumn rakes.

I'm going to read through all the comments again to see if I'm missing anything now.
Again, so grateful for the help, and the fun of it.

[Truerenigma]

edit #1 (thank you Chris, Brendan, milo, chazz, true)

Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats. Conjure I'm not sure about conjure, it seems to be asking the reader a bit much.
the gleam of bicycles ridden bicycles ridden? hmm.. bicycles ridden is painful, bicycles being ridden? ridden bicycles? It would be much easier if we had Subject(s)+verb(ride/or pedal)+object(bicycles). I have no complaints about the rest of the stanza.
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Replay the barks that broke dawn's hush,
paw mallets on tympanic boards
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed ! nice
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts (now shuttered) behind. This line bothers me. I don't like "behind" at the end of a line just on principal, but after the parenthetical clause is even worse for me, I almost don't remember what behind is describing, and what is it behind? I suppose it's "them", but it just doesn't read very well, like ..uh..now shuttered behind?

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.

The final stanza is wonderful. Salt worn memories on the shoreline. Love it.


Original

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted
the splintered gray slats,
the bicycles pedaled
as mornings' rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


I'm not sure I'm settled on this. Any suggestions, particularly on punctuation changes, are of course welcomed. I keep adding the "the"s then cutting them again. Help please.

I think it's getting close to finished. You've got some interesting stuff going on here with your line breaks, it gave me some things to think about along the way.

[ellajam]

Thanks so much Tru, I am close to an edit that addresses your points. No problem with
"paw mallets on tympanic boards"? I'm thinking of a change to mallet-like or cutting the line altogether. Any opinion?

Thanks so much for your time and comments.

[Truerenigma]

Maybe cut it. And replace replay as well.

[ellajam]

Maybe cut it. And replace replay as well.

Agreed, thanks for your input.

[LanceRocks]

"Replay the barks that broke dawn's hush,"

Because I'm a poet rather than a scholar of poetry, I don't know how to teach someone to grasp a sense of cadence: when it works and when it doesn't.

Here, the rhythm falters by one beat, or semi-beat. Had you written:

"Play the barks that broke dawn's hush,"

...all would be well. But the "Re-" sets it akimbo.

You might check out Stephen Fry's "The Ode Less Travelled" for a lively discussion of rhythm, meter and and so forth.

Lance