A Look at Cupid

[tigrflye]

Revision 1.2:
(Todd/Milo/Jan thanks)

In all my circling wondering,
I dared a glimpse of who we'd be,
my foolish Psyche hungering
for all the things she shouldn't see.
A flash-bulb quick epiphany,
I watched you fall in love with me
like children do in summer's sweet
humidity and though that heat
was dreamt, the electricity
infused my skin. So every day
I mourn your carnal spark and weigh
my longing for simplicity
in love. You felt it too, I know,
we glimpsed it one time years ago.

Original:

In all my circling wondering,
I dared a glimpse of who we'd be,
my foolish Psyche hungering
for all the things she shouldn't see.
A flash-bulb quick epiphany,
you loved the very heart of me
like children do in summer's sweet
humidity and though that heat
was only dreamt, I felt the eletricity
inside my skin. So everyday
I mourn your carnal spark and weigh
my longing for a rare simplicity
like love. You felt it too, I know,
we glimpsed it one time years ago.

[Todd]

Hi Jenn, a few comments for you below:

In all my circling wondering,
I dared a glimpse of who we'd be,
my foolish Psyche hungering--This opening is so nice when you take your title, and consider the myth (thanks for the capitalization to seal it).
for all the things she shouldn't see.--Again this ties closely to the story
A flash-bulb quick epiphany,--Best line to sort of modernize the story and make it the speakers and not just a retelling
you loved the very heart of me--These are the moments where I hate critiquing rhyming poetry. It isn't the poetry itself or even that it rhymes, it's just you know that any suggestion is going to throw the whole thing off. This line is too hallmark. I like the content of it, but the phrasing has to go.
like children do in summer's sweet
humidity and though that heat --by contrast, I love these lines
was only dreamt, I felt the eletricity
inside my skin. So everyday
I mourn your carnal spark and weigh--Again, this is I looked to close, I succumbed, and I lost it all. carnal spark and weigh (awesome)
my longing for a rare simplicity--love this phrasing
like love. You felt it too, I know,--Much more powerful as a simile
we glimpsed it one time years ago.--solid ending, and has a tragic element to it.

I thought this was a very good slant on a myth. I need the hallmark line to be gone, but beyond that I enjoyed the piece.

Best,

Todd

[Polar Bear]

Hello! I thoroughly enjoyed this sonnet, and feel disqualified to critique, being new both here and to writing in general, but I did however have one hitch reading, and that was the full stop on line 10. It just didn't flow good to my ear. However, the full stop on line 13 had great rhythm when combined with the last line of the couplet.

Take this with a grain of salt; I'm not versed well!

Thanks for the experience!

In all my circling wondering,
I dared a glimpse of who we'd be,
my foolish Psyche hungering
for all the things she shouldn't see.
A flash-bulb quick epiphany,
you loved the very heart of me
like children do in summer's sweet
humidity and though that heat
was only dreamt, I felt the eletricity
inside my skin. So everyday - This full stop derailed my rhythm a bit.
I mourn your carnal spark and weigh
my longing for a rare simplicity
like love. You felt it too, I know, - the couplet, however, was scrumptious to read!
we glimpsed it one time years ago.

[milo]

Seems like.an extra 2 feet on l9.and a foot on l12.

[tigrflye]

Todd, thanks for reading it. You give great feedback. You may still be unhappy with the hallmark line. But Im still open to suggestions.

Milo, thanks - hope that fixed it.

Polar bear-thanks for reading and commenting.
I like the stop there.. right now. We'll see.

[Todd]

Okay this may not get you there, and I don't want to be too leading with a suggestion, in the myth what caused the problems were Psyche's sisters were overcome with envy. I notice that envy has a similar sound, and may be a suitable thing to think on.

---

You know I can't make envy work yet with the lines you have following. I think I like the you lead in on the line I have issues with more than the I. The you just has a softer transition to my ear.

I'm rambling. I'll give it some more thought.

---

Okay, thinking out loud here. The revelation of Psyche occurred when she saw cupid, and accidentally was nicked by one of his arrows. So, in some ways assuming L3 is from the Psyche perspective. The love that happened was psyche exploding in passion for cupid. You've reversed the roles.

That's fine, but it may present some opportunities for the line.

[tigrflye]

Todd, just my take on the story
Psyche no doubt exploded in passion for cupid. He did too. He was nicked first.

[jdvanwijk]

There are some things that could be improved in my opinion, though. Hope my comments can be of any use to you!

Revision 1:
(Todd/Milo thanks)

In all my circling wondering, I like the circling, both Cupid's motion and being trapped in a thought.
I dared a glimpse of who we'd be,
my foolish Psyche hungering
for all the things she shouldn't see. "things she shouldn't see" doesn't roll off the tongue very well (s-sh-sh-s). Also the rhyme be/see feels a bit simplistic.
A flash-bulb quick epiphany,A flash-bulb as an image for an epiphany I find somewhat clichéd. Maybe find another image?
I watched you fall in love with me
like children do in summer's sweet
humidity and though that heat
was dreamt, the eletricityTypo: electricity.
infused my skin. So everyday every day instead of everyday?
I mourn your carnal spark and weigh
my longing for simplicity
in love. You felt it too, I know,Though I like the way "weigh my longing for simplicity in love" sounds, I can't really make sense out of it. This could be just me of course, but maybe you could be more clear here. "I know" feels like filler, to rhyme with "ago".
we glimpsed it one time years ago.


Original:

In all my circling wondering,
I dared a glimpse of who we'd be,
my foolish Psyche hungering
for all the things she shouldn't see.
A flash-bulb quick epiphany,
you loved the very heart of me
like children do in summer's sweet
humidity and though that heat
was only dreamt, I felt the eletricity
inside my skin. So everyday
I mourn your carnal spark and weigh
my longing for a rare simplicity
like love. You felt it too, I know,
we glimpsed it one time years ago.