The Thrill

[lachaser33]

The Thrill
When late nights turn into early mornings
Watching the sunrise with friends
I can’t think of anything more picture perfect

Drinking the poison until you’re practically preaching
Your philosophy to nobody and everybody

Drinking so much PBR
That the piss water taste doesn’t bother you anymore

I love the thrill
Of puking your guts out
Onto a piece of paper
Pen in hand, like a pistol
Trying to pump out a poem
Like your life depends on it

And when your head finally hits the pillow
It is practically dawn

[billy]

hi lachaser.

after reading there's some decent stuff and not so decent stuff. once a poem is finished, go over it to see if restructuring the line adds anything, who knows, a quick fiddle may give better presentation. the 1st three lines may show what i mean. i'll not change a word, just the line order.

I can’t think of anything more picture perfect
Watching the sunrise with friends
When late nights turn into early mornings.

only use words that add to the poem.

suggestions for edits below

The Thrill
When late nights turn into early mornings no need for late as late is a given
Watching the sunrise with friends a suggestion would be [a] instead of [watching the]
I can’t think of anything more picture perfect [nothing is], instead of [I can’t think of anything]

Drinking the poison until you’re practically preaching
Your philosophy to nobody and everybody

Drinking so much PBR i've no idea what PBR is, an alcoholic drink perhaps?
That the piss water taste doesn’t bother you anymore no need for [anymore]

I love the thrill
Of puking your guts out
Onto a piece of paper
Pen in hand, like a pistol
Trying to pump out a poem
Like your life depends on it i like this stanza though you could play around with the enjambment of the 1st two lines. it has a some decent pain in it

And when your head finally hits the pillow
It is practically dawn i also like the end, the tiredness and the dawn give an impression of the work put into the poetry. that said were you writing with your friends or was that a different dawn?

[lachaser33]

I can’t think of anything more picture perfect
Watching a sunrise with friends
When nights turn into early mornings.

Drinking the poison until you’re practically preaching
Your philosophy to nobody and everybody

I love the thrill
Of puking my guts out
Onto a piece of paper
Pen in hand, like a pistol
Trying to pump out a poem
Like my life depends on it

And when my head finally hits the pillow
It is practically dawn

The Thrill
When late nights turn into early mornings
Watching the sunrise with friends
I can’t think of anything more picture perfect

Drinking the poison until you’re practically preaching
Your philosophy to nobody and everybody

Drinking so much PBR
That the piss water taste doesn’t bother you anymore

I love the thrill
Of puking your guts out
Onto a piece of paper
Pen in hand, like a pistol
Trying to pump out a poem
Like your life depends on it

And when your head finally hits the pillow
It is practically dawn

[milo]

I think you should consider another title, thrill feels a bit "telly" to me.

I can’t think of anything more picture perfect
Watching a sunrise with friends
When nights turn into early mornings.

"Picture perfect" is a cliche. "I can't think of anything" is prosaic and inefficient. Just say it, we know it is your narrator thinking it - "There is nothing . . ." I don't think you need to explain "sunrise", anyone that is reading this surely knows that sunrise is when "nights turn into early mornings"

Drinking the poison until you’re practically preaching
Your philosophy to nobody and everybody

Once again, "practically" adds nothing. Actually, even "poison" weakens the whole. It could just be:

Drinking until you preach
philosophy to nobody and everybody

I love the thrill
Of puking my guts out

"puking my guts out" is a cliche as well

Onto a piece of paper
Pen in hand, like a pistol

"Between my finger and my thumb
the squat pen rests, snug as a gun" - Heaney

Trying to pump out a poem
Like my life depends on it

And when my head finally hits the pillow
It is practically dawn

I don't understand how it can be practically dawn now when sunrise occurred before the puking and writing (?)

Thanks for posting. Good luck!