Fragments

[Euan]

Etched memories, carved.
Into barren stone.
Slightly faint:
is meaning subdued and
battered.

Grinded stone
scattered.
Nestling
in the sand.
Glimmering bright,
illuminating the
shadows.
Casting darkness crescent.

The Moon is bleeding
the blood, a child's
it washes through my hair
drenching me
I am disgusted:
reminded of love.

A time of scattered pieces,
repressed.
Memories breaking free,
rising above the neglect.
The illusions,
decaying.
The flesh, its stench - stronger..

Cool mists settling
the water's surface a host.
Darkness, consistent.
Constantly concealing the pieces
to the puzzle plaguing your memory.
Still they glimmer!

[Todd]

Euan, just a very general comment: I think to do connected fragments well they have to be more clipped and shorter with less reaction and more immersion (that may not make sense). Let's just focus on your opening to illustrate:

Original

Etched memories, carved.
Into barren stone.
Slightly faint:
is meaning subdued and
battered.

First let's get it to the essentials (my take obviously):

Etched and carved are pretty similar words. So, I keep the cooler of the two (etched). Etched is a more evocative word for putting a design or words on a stone. Memories would seem to be etched not carved.

Memories etched
into barren stone.

That's the setup part of the fragment, and now you're looking to add the emotional content and/or the observation.

Slightly faint:
is meaning subdued and
battered.

These are the lines you need to work on. Okay this is not me rewriting what you have just illustrating how you could approach this (something like this):

Memories etched
into barren stone.
I have become
the mountain.

My suggestion is to build the image and let the image speak for you. They don't have to have the "I" construction but they need to be tight to work. If that makes sense.

Hope some of that ramble helps.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

Hello,
You have chosen to post this in the Serious Workshopping Forum. by simple implication you therefore wish to improve the piece. There are many aspects to writing poetry which you will either ignore or espouse according to your ethos or ability. Good grammar is, though, not an option. Grammatical inconsistency usually implies lack of ability. On that basis, and considering the chosen forum,here goes.

Etched memories, carved. This is not a sentence. The period is pointlessly and hopelessly located. You will say it is a typo. Then you will say that the line capitalising is also a typo. Then I ask....well, why did you not correct this basic error before posting? See forum rules
Into barren stone. "Etched memories carved into stone" is a massively overused cliche. Some cliches are more cliched than others. Find some other way of saying what you are trying to say
Slightly faint: This is not only NOT a sentence, it is not even an acceptable clause. The next line is bizarre, grammatically unlinked and because of basic errors means nothing. If English is not your first language I apologise. If it is, then you should apologise.
is meaning subdued and
battered.

Grinded stone "Grinded"????Huh???? GROUND!!!This is infant talk. Mummy, he eated my ice-cream. Mummy, he broked my car. Mummy, he grinded my stone
scattered. Not a sentence. Why the period. What do you think it means? What is it there for? Ah. Another typo.Sheeesh
To nestle You NEED to continue the line above. The period makes this a nonsense. You MUST read what you have written OUT LOUD. The pauses which you have introduced will then be heard to be ridiculously misplaced
into sand
glimmering bright,
illuminating the
shadows twisting,
casting darkness cresecent. The four lines above are just too away from rescue so I am calling off the operation. CRESCENT for goodness sake. Oh....a typo. CHECK YOUR WORK BEFORE POSTING.

The Moon is bleeding
the blood, a child's
it washes through my hair
drenching me
I am disgusted:
reminded of love. This is what you wrote:
"The Moon is bleeding the blood, a child's it washes through my hair drenching me I am disgusted:
reminded of love"

You put it right. This kind of nonsense must be nipped in the bud. Can you do it? If you edit to clarity and make some effort then the crits will be more inclined to help you. As it is, this whole piece will be moved to novice should the edit not materialise. Give it a go! You MUST see how nonsensical your grammar is.

A time of scattered pieces,
repressed.
Memories breaking free,
rising above the neglect.
The illusions,
decaying.
The flesh, its stench - stronger..

Cool mists settling
the water's surface a host.
Darkness, consistent.
Constantly concealing the pieces
to the puzzle plaguing your memory.
Still they glimmer! What glimmers (twice)

This is very poor. You are trying far too hard to squeeze poetic plasma out of a sterile stone. Overall advice would be to rewrite the piece using a discipline (like, say, meter) to force you to remain within a structure.
Free-verse and free-thoughts are all very well and good but the technique only throws up errors and idiosyncratic nonsense verse UNLESS you have the skills to temper what you may believe is your red-hot profundity. You may also believe that calling a piece "Fragments" excuses you. It does not. If you had titled the piece "Disconnected bits of my addled mind" you may just have got away with it...but I doubt it. Cool down and write within your abilities. If you feel strongly that your mental peregrinations are poetry then I have to say good luck with that...but remember, if you POST IN SERIOUS WORKSHOPPING not everyone will agree with you. That is what the forum is here for. Do you want this piece moving to Novice? Please advise.
Best,
tectak

[Euan]

Thank you Tec, I posted it here intentionally. The Poetry may be novice, but my skin for critique suits serious. Cheers

Thanks for the comment Todd.
I will apply all of this critique

[tectak]

Thank you Tec, I posted it here intentionally. The Poetry may be novice, but my skin for critique suits serious. Cheers

Thanks for the comment Todd.
I will apply all of this critique

Good egg!
Edit and repost.
Best,
tectak

[milo]

The poem can be a little too wordy as times. Distracting the reader from your true intent of clipped fragments. Rewording is necessary in order for this poem to flow.

This is not even close to the level of critique considered acceptable for this forum. Please read the forum rules. Then go back and actually read this poem and make comments using specifics from the poem itself to support what you are saying.

/mod

[billy]

have a good check on the punctuation, it one of my many failing, as such it best to really give it a good going over. look out for double word use, always try and be fresh. try and make the poem more accessible, at present the poem feels fragmented.
i saw your comment in response to toms feedback :J:
thanks for the read.

Etched memories, carved. etched and carved follow a similar image. i'd suggest use one or the other
Into barren stone.
Slightly faint: what does slightly faint mean, does it mean faint?
is meaning subdued and is this a question or should read as its?
battered.
in general i'd try and work at least one solid image into the stanza. and an example would be;
memories etch with broken nails
into barren......
okay it's not the greatest of images but with thought you could come up with 1 or 2 to use

Grinded stone [Ground] would something other than stone work better as stone has already been used?
scattered. can you scatter 1 stone?
Nestling no need to use single word lines unless it warrants it, these words as they are don't have enough power on their own, create a sentence.
in the sand.
Glimmering bright, bright is sort of redundant
illuminating the no need for [the]
shadows.
Casting darkness crescent. needs to have more clarity, casting a dark crescent

The Moon is bleeding now this is an image.
the blood, a child's a child's blood.
it washes through my hair
drenching me it's a given unless you're at the hair salon
I am disgusted:
reminded of love.
if you put a semi colon after me;
you could tidy the rest up a bit
drenching me;
disgusted
I am reminded of love.

A time of scattered pieces, pieces of what?
repressed.
Memories breaking free, what memories (this word has also been used before) use an image when you can. here is the perfect place, (memories break like grouse from heather)( history breaks like flames from a fire)
rising above the neglect.
The illusions, we need to see what some of these intangibles are
decaying.
The flesh, its stench - stronger..

Cool mists settling
the water's surface a host.
Darkness, consistent.
Constantly concealing the pieces
to the puzzle plaguing your memory.
Still they glimmer!

[Euan]

Cheers Billy, I see what you mean. I've been working on it for some time now and I'm almost ready to post my revision

[bena]

Funny....normally I'd scream about the sentence fragments, but given the title, I thought they were intentional....
Both billy and tek have given you wonderful crits. What I would add is that you have a misuse of colons here---remember that colons are used to rephrase or list things after a clause. If you really are striving for fragments, a semicolon won't do either....so I would suggest a dash.

Can't wait for the revision. Remember always---try to be clear to your audience. It doesn't make you deep if they don't understand.


mel/bena